Lose weight the Christmas Party way!

October 27, 2011

It’s time for more of our etiquette tips aimed at people who were raised by warthogs in the wild.

Our latest advice is on diet etiquette for the holidays. You know, getting through parties and dinners while keeping both your diet and your friendships intact.

Our diet etiquette piece starts by advising you never to go to a party hungry. What you should do, our writer suggests, is have an apple or cheese or nuts before you go, “and drink a full glass of water before you head out.”

Of course this water strategy makes it extra special when your host greets you at the door with, “Welcome to our home, I hope you don’t need to use the toilet, because ours is totally broken.”

Regarding festive wine and cocktails, our etiquette writer says she herself “stopped drinking alcohol at parties a long time ago, when I realized it clouded my thinking.”

Really? Clouded your thinking? For instance did you find yourself eating apples and cheese and drinking water just before going to a party?

Let’s move on. Our story says you’re at your boss’ house and the menu is baked brie in puff pastry, beef Wellington and chocolate mousse, a meal our writer refers to as “heart attack on a plate.”

What you DON’T do is slap your forehead and blurt out, “Holy crap! You’re serving heart attack on a plate!”

Instead, you should say, “I know a humor blogger who would love ALL this stuff, do you mind if I text him to come over? He’s probably right outside.” I would also point out here that I myself have no personal rules against drinking at parties, and I’m fine with clouded thinking.

Probably my favorite tip in our diet etiquette column is, “If someone absolutely insists you try Aunt Gert’s fruitcake, graciously accept a small slice ‘for later’ and discard it when you’re gone.

Right. Like the host isn’t going to notice countless slabs of Gert’s fruitcake littering the block the next day. I mean, most people I know won’t even let that stuff touch their skin.

I’ll tell you this. If Aunt Gert gives you a fruitcake, eat it yourself or be prepared to watch me “discard it” right in front of  you, in your grand piano or tropical fish tank.

So to sum up, what have you, as a potential holiday host or hostess, learned from this blog?

  • Always invite me for the beef Wellington, baked brie and chocolate mousse.
  • Keep Aunt Gert’s toxic fruitcake out of my face.
  • Oh, and don’t seat me next to that clear-thinking etiquette writer who doesn’t drink booze. I’m here to have fun.

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Top and right: Etta Richardson displays the type of cake that will be baked for the [forthcoming Royal Wedding of Britain’s Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles], in Llansteffan, Wales, March 29, 2005. REUTERS

Left: A special dessert “Television de Chocolat,” featuring milk chocolate mousse and passion fruit juice, in the shape of a television set with antennas, made especially for the Primetime Emmy Awards Governors Ball, was previewed for the media in Los Angeles August 26, 2004. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

Bottom left: Monkeys  eat a Christmas cake at the Ueno zoo in Tokyo December 19, 2004. Three fruitcakes, made specially for the monkeys, were given to them at the zoo during the annual Christmas season event. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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Be nutty as a fruitcake. Join the OE blog.

(At least you didn’t defame one of the culinary capitals of the fruitcake world, nearby Corsicana.)

Posted by FriscoJohn | Report as abusive

The world is full of people for whom a party is an ordeal. Mary “More Fun than a Couple of Colonoscopies” Mitchell is one of them. What would one expect from someone who writes about two of life’s most thrilling experiences: dieting and etiquette.

And I think she’s wrong, too. I don’t care how charming one tries to be, if you don’t touch a thing on your plate at a dinner party, the host will notice. That is why one of the most valuable skills one can acquire is how to make it appear that one has eaten a lot of what was (and still is) on one’s plate. But a truly clever hostess, like Mary, will no doubt weigh the plates back in the kitchen to see how much was actually consumed. She just seems the type.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

If I may say so myself, I make a pretty good fruitcake.. and it actually goes down pretty well with the folks here..
Would you like to try a slice?

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

shouldn’t the caption for that last picture be “OE Blog fans enjoy the GFM&DS Christmas party”? I think that’s Cam’s sister in the middle.

look at Cam’s grandma…she’s so proud of the fruitcake she made!

if you REALLY want to lose weight, BG is always willing to help http://blogs.reuters.com/oddly-enough/20 11/10/22/warning-avert-your-gaze/

Posted by GeorgiaPeach | Report as abusive

Gee Shra, if you’re giving away cake, sling some my way, please :)
Gotta say that the picture of the monkeys reminds me of my old office, only the monkeys appear to have better manners.

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

Good point, Frisco. I forgot.

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Recently, I was at my friend’s birthday brunch at a restaurant. Another guest had brought home-made cupcakes. As we waited for the other guests to arrive at the restaurant, we each ate a cupcake. My BF exclaimed, “Do you know how diet experts tell you to drink a glass or two of water before a meal so that you don’t eat too much? I think we just discovered the cupcake diet. Eat a cupcake before your meal so that you don’t eat too much!”

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

Law firm’s wallpaper:
monkeys throwing coconuts
at one another.

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

I have a fruitcake in the back of my cabinet that is at least 10 years old.

Posted by bigsusie | Report as abusive

I just L-O-V-E that Christmas fruitcake! We take home all we can get… It sure saves on clay pigeons for the Annual New Year’s Skeet Shoot and Resolution Breaking Ceremony at the Moonshine Family Farm. (It’s gonna happen sooner or later, so why not break those resolutions early and get it out of the way…?)

Posted by Moonshine | Report as abusive

@bigsusite: Anything else good back there?

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

“What have you … learned from this blog?” !?!
Shra! BG is teaching again! Make him stop, please? I dropped out of Vo-Ed just to avoid that kind of stuff!

Posted by AllThatJazz | Report as abusive

I would argue that that is monkey trifle, rather than monkey cake.

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

Don’t you monkey around with my sister! :-O

Now, Etta could be my grandmother. She looks nice. I will, however, insist on some fine Kentucky bourbon to wash down my fruitcake (none of that Tennessee stuff for me … well, maybe in a pinch).

Posted by justCAM | Report as abusive

My goat probably had better manners than Miss Etiquette. I wonder how old Elmer is doing…

I totally do not understand. Why would you go to a party except to drink alcohol? Does she even know where the word “party” comes from? I heard its root are old Greek (Omega Theta Pi, to be exact) and it is the shortened form of “partake”. As in “drink”. Or something. Not that I’m teaching, no way, no how. Back off Shra!!!

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive

@Shra: Yes, I’ll take a slice. I ain’t ‘fraid of no fruitcake. I’m a fruitcake aficionado.

Posted by FriscoJohn | Report as abusive

Don’t worry about Shra, Dave. Her taser doesn’t even work during Diwali…

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Yeah I bet you are right outside.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

Diwali is over, BG..
Now, for the zapps..
Dave, that was SOOO teaching! Zapppppppp!
BG, a girl’s gotta do her job, right? Zappppppp!

Happy Friday everyone! Fruitcake on me!

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

So, what’s Diwali Shra?

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

Nice try, Malt..
Aint breaking my own rules..
Would be glad to tell you about Diwali, maybe on FB?

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

OUCH! Wait a sec here! It’s only teaching if it’s got some basis in reality.

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive

Clouded thinking… fruitcakes… nutty… etiquette. Why does something seem out of place in this blog? I was feeling completely natural and back in stride with the first few expressions, and then I read something about etiquette. Am I in the right place? You know, after all this time away I cannot be certain!

Posted by justM | Report as abusive

Frisco – have you ever tried deep-fried fruitcake?

Posted by GeorgiaPeach | Report as abusive

@GeorgiaPeach: yes. Deeeeeee-lish.

Posted by FriscoJohn | Report as abusive

Don’t you have a taser-policy on FB too Shra? Thought it would be universal! 😉

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive

Nah, Malt. Taser belongs at work :)

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive