News, but not the serious kind
Lose weight the Christmas Party way!
It’s time for more of our etiquette tips aimed at people who were raised by warthogs in the wild.
Our latest advice is on diet etiquette for the holidays. You know, getting through parties and dinners while keeping both your diet and your friendships intact.
Our diet etiquette piece starts by advising you never to go to a party hungry. What you should do, our writer suggests, is have an apple or cheese or nuts before you go, “and drink a full glass of water before you head out.”
Of course this water strategy makes it extra special when your host greets you at the door with, “Welcome to our home, I hope you don’t need to use the toilet, because ours is totally broken.”
Regarding festive wine and cocktails, our etiquette writer says she herself “stopped drinking alcohol at parties a long time ago, when I realized it clouded my thinking.”
Let’s move on. Our story says you’re at your boss’ house and the menu is baked brie in puff pastry, beef Wellington and chocolate mousse, a meal our writer refers to as “heart attack on a plate.”
What you DON’T do is slap your forehead and blurt out, “Holy crap! You’re serving heart attack on a plate!”
Instead, you should say, “I know a humor blogger who would love ALL this stuff, do you mind if I text him to come over? He’s probably right outside.” I would also point out here that I myself have no personal rules against drinking at parties, and I’m fine with clouded thinking.
Right. Like the host isn’t going to notice countless slabs of Gert’s fruitcake littering the block the next day. I mean, most people I know won’t even let that stuff touch their skin.
I’ll tell you this. If Aunt Gert gives you a fruitcake, eat it yourself or be prepared to watch me “discard it” right in front of you, in your grand piano or tropical fish tank.
So to sum up, what have you, as a potential holiday host or hostess, learned from this blog?
- Always invite me for the beef Wellington, baked brie and chocolate mousse.
- Keep Aunt Gert’s toxic fruitcake out of my face.
- Oh, and don’t seat me next to that clear-thinking etiquette writer who doesn’t drink booze. I’m here to have fun.
Top and right: Etta Richardson displays the type of cake that will be baked for the [forthcoming Royal Wedding of Britain's Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles], in Llansteffan, Wales, March 29, 2005. REUTERS
Left: A special dessert “Television de Chocolat,” featuring milk chocolate mousse and passion fruit juice, in the shape of a television set with antennas, made especially for the Primetime Emmy Awards Governors Ball, was previewed for the media in Los Angeles August 26, 2004. REUTERS/Fred Prouser
Bottom left: Monkeys eat a Christmas cake at the Ueno zoo in Tokyo December 19, 2004. Three fruitcakes, made specially for the monkeys, were given to them at the zoo during the annual Christmas season event. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao