Okay, so maybe it’s a strange hobby…

November 11, 2011

Blog Guy, I hate to bother you, but I need your help with something.

Sure, that’s what I’m here for.

See, I maintain an extensive world map with color-coded pins showing everywhere Paris Hilton has been in the last 10 years, you know, day by day.

Really? Then I don’t think I can give you the kind of help it sounds like you need.

So anyway, due to some unfortunate binge drinking-related blackouts, I seem to be missing a few key dates. For instance, August 8, 2004.

Let’s have a look in my photo archive. Bingo! Here she is, driving a pickup truck in Los Angeles.

Thank you! Let me grab a yellow pin here… Uh, what about June 3, 2007?

That’s an easy one. She was in jail. Here’s her booking photo.

Jail, huh? Okay, that’ll be a blue pin for that one. I’ve got one more missing day. You got any info on last Sunday?

She was in Spain, at the Valencia Motorcycle Grand Prix. Look, pal, it’s not my place to say, but maybe you should either drop the Paris Hilton obsession or else stop the binge drinking?

I know, but they just seem so interconnected…

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Top: U.S. socialite Paris Hilton smiles at the ‘Blusens by Paris Hilton Racing’ team box during the Valencia Motorcycle Grand Prix at the Ricardo Tormo racetrack in Cheste, near Valencia, Spain, November 6, 2011. REUTERS/Albert Gea

Right: Hilton arrives in the pickup truck used on her reality program for the 2004 Teen Choice Awards at the Universal Amphitheater in Los Angeles, August 8, 2004. REUTERS/John Hayes

Left: Hilton in a booking photo released by Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department June 4, 2007.  REUTERS/Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department/Handout

Bottom right: Hilton walks by the pit lane during the Valencia Motorcycle Grand Prix. REUTERS/Albert Gea

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We welcome comments that advance the story through relevant opinion, anecdotes, links and data. If you see a comment that you believe is irrelevant or inappropriate, you can flag it to our editors by using the report abuse links. Views expressed in the comments do not represent those of Reuters. For more information on our comment policy, see http://blogs.reuters.com/fulldisclosure/2010/09/27/toward-a-more-thoughtful-conversation-on-stories/

Blog Guy, is the person in the conversation with you in this Blog Post perhaps a Reuters photographer?

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

Slow news day, eh, BG?

Posted by FriscoJohn | Report as abusive

I humbly offer a haiku:

More Paris Hilton
Many Reuters photographs
Because she is news?

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

last photo – nice silks. I didn’t know she was a jockey.

Posted by GeorgiaPeach | Report as abusive

Our BG just couldn’t have led
with Corduroy Appreciation Day instead?
Or something else linked to eleven
Something to get the juices a-revvin’
Enough about Paris has been said.

Posted by FriscoJohn | Report as abusive

In my part of the world, when the clock strikes 11:11 on 11/11/11, I plan to get funky (actions yet to be defined). What about the rest of you?

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

Paris Hilton, Style Setter. Pretty soon every Formula One Pit Crew Member will be wearing those shoes in the pits….definitely “in the pits,” if you ask me.

Posted by Moonshine | Report as abusive

Moon… if I am true to my inner shoe-loving-Shra, those are absolutely gorgeous boots..

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

@Spin – I plan to put the dogs in the truck and head out to the vet. Time for shots & annual exams.

they DO get to go to PetSmart on the way home, if they are good (they are ALWAYS good!)

Posted by GeorgiaPeach | Report as abusive

Monday, next week, I get my left eye decataractemized. Since the right eye has already been done, I will probably not be able to turn my head to defocus on such things as Paris Hilton anymore.

Please, Mr Blog Guy, don’t put a shot of Paris on this site on Tuesday! I don’t want to have to dig my eyes out of my head to escape seeing her on the first day of being able to see everything clearly out of both of my eyes! PLEASE!!! I beg you!

Posted by uncarastus | Report as abusive

I’d like to help you out, Unca, but I get requests every single day from people who don’t want to see her photos, and I ignore them, so I can’t give you special treatment….

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

Well, thanks for the heads up, Mr B! Right now I am sharpening the leading edge of my favorite teaspoon.

Does this blog come in Braille, by any chance?

Posted by uncarastus | Report as abusive

No, but you’re in luck, Unca. Remember the Blogs on Tape project….

http://blogs.reuters.com/oddly-enough/20 11/09/14/coming-soon-the-sound-of-stupid  /

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

I’m sorry, Mr. Porter, I couldn’t resist…

I laugh at Paris in the springtime
I laugh at Paris in the fall
I laugh at Paris in the summer when her abs she chisels
I laugh at Paris in the winter when her fitness fizzles

I laugh at Paris in every photo
Every photo in which she appears
I laugh at Paris, oh why do I laugh at Paris
Because her fall from grace seems so near

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

Eurgh! The hand in the pick up photo! And the bottom one. She has the world’s ugliest hands. And I speak as someone whose hands are about 40% scar tissue.

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

Your sudden focus on Paris Hilton is starting to get worrying Mr. B. You have been following her around the world, you have been ignoring request from readers to no longer show photos of her. Something is amiss here. Is she holding your goldfish hostage demanding you blog about her and give her exposure? What’s the deal? We are here to help.

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

She’s very pretty when she hides her face 😉

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

Hey are we doing Cole Porter again?!

Paris, you do nothing to me.
Your vacuous simper simply mystifies me.
Tell me, why should it be
You have the pow’r to hypnotize sheep.
Shove off your creep,
So I can sleep.
Nascar this
You narcissist.

Your fans,
You’ve got them under your spell
Screw that doodoo that you spew so well.
For you do nothing to me
That that Duchess of Cambridge can do.
Let me live ‘neath her spell!
If you stay around
I’ll make you my clown
Just give me Kate,
And clear out post-haste!
For you do nothing to me
That one smile from her can do
Yes, only Kate will do.

Posted by jclimacus081 | Report as abusive

I think we are back to Cole Porter:

My story is much too sad to be told,
But practically ev’rything leaves me totally cold.
The only exception I know is the case
Where I’m out on a quiet spree
Fighting vainly the old ennui
And I suddenly turn and see
Your ubiquitous face.

I get no kick from champagne.
Mere alcohol doesn’t thrill me at all,
So tell me why should it be true
That I get a laugh out of you?

Some get a kick from cocaine.
I’m sure that if I took even one sniff
That would bore me terrific’ly too,
Yet I get a laugh out of you.

I get a laugh ev’rytime I see
Your Reuters photograph before me.
I get a kick though it’s clear to me
You obviously don’t realize your stupidity.

I get no kick in a plane.
Flying too high on a BT-69 in the sky
Is my idea of nothing to do,
Yet I get a laugh out of you.

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

At words poetic, I’m so plagiaristic
And sometimes that Dean of Goof
Our own BG goes ballistic
But I can’t help it!
I’ve always found it best,
Instead of letting ’em rest unexpressed,
To get ’em off my chest,
And especially when
Paris enters my ken
I definitely shout, “When!”
Please Blog Guy
If “We’ll always have Paris”
Use those Salmon Bars!
Take pity on us.
And if this ditty is not pretty
At least it’ll tell you…

She’s a flop!
She’s the brainless teaser.
She’s the shlock!
She’s a Swanson’s dinner.
She’s a Bieber fan, a can of Spam
She’s a cheap tattoo, a print in the loo
She’s a Yugo
She’s a bounced check, a total wreck, a flop,
But if, Blog Guy, she’s the bottom, you’re the top!

Blog Guy, as a loyal fan, please don’t take this wrong
Please, please, please if we’ll always have Paris
Crop those photos, or there’ll be more songs
Give us her shoes, her clothes, even those skeleton hands
But on her head, crop a paper bag! …..

Posted by jclimacus081 | Report as abusive

@jclimacus: Brilliant!

As our own Blog Guy once said
to his readers,
“Hilton’s as dingy as a bell,”
As Cain announced when he knew he was trounced,
“It was swell, voters, swell,”
As the Blog Guy said to his readers with ease,
“Don’t forget make comments, please,”
As fwd cried in the duchess’s ear,
“Kate, why not choose me, dear?”

It was just one of those things
Just something that Ronald’s spam brings
One of those peaches or beaches from one of those kings
Just one of those things

It was just one of those blogs,
Just one of those things that leaves you agog
A trip to the moon on the BT-69’s wings,
Just one of those things

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive