Hey, I never said I’m proud of myself!

November 15, 2011

Blog Guy, I’ve just started a new blog, and I could use some advice from a veteran like yourself. What do you do if you want to get a lot of traffic, but you don’t want to work very hard for it?

That’s called cheap pandering to readers with click-bait, and blogging professionals don’t do it.

Yes, but just between you and me. If you wanted to pander, just once, what would you do?

I’d go for a wide audience. I’d anchor it with a really good new photo of Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge. A close-cropped face shot, just oozing with charm.

Very interesting. And then?

Then I’d raise the stakes with a panda sticking out his tongue or something very cute like that. Pandas are solid gold.

You can pander with a panda?

Oh yes, a panda is a dandy way to pander.

That’s easy for you to say. What else?

I’ve been known to dress a dog up. You know, red nose, sunglasses. Maybe a little hat. I’m not proud of it. But it’s worth it when people start sending the blog to each other, and everybody goes up to the top of the item and clicks the “recommend” button, like they should be doing now.

So, Blog Guy, what if you use the duchess, the panda and the dog, and it still doesn’t work?

Ah. Well, that’s what Victoria’s Secret fashion shows are for, isn’t it?

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Top: Britain’s Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, talks to guests at a reception in aid of the National Memorial Arboretum Appeal at St James’s Palace, London, November 10, 2011.  REUTERS/Lefteris Pitarakis/Pool

Left: Panda Po sticks out its tongue inside its enclosure at the Madrid Zoo & Aquarium November 11, 2011. REUTERS/Sergio Perez

Right: A dog dressed for carnival is pictured in the streets at the start of the carnival in Cologne November 11, 2011. REUTERS/Ina Fassbender

A Victoria’s Secret model presents a creation during the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show at the Lexington Armory in New York November 9, 2011. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

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the panda and the dog are cute, but Mr. Fab Abs they are not.

how do you pander to your female fans, BG???

Posted by GeorgiaPeach | Report as abusive

3rd photo: Well, now we know what Muammar Gadafi was re-incarnated as.

Hey, Shra–how about them boots in #4?

Posted by FriscoJohn | Report as abusive

Aw Georgia, don’t get yer dander up, I’m sure the BG will pander to the female crowd soon enough. Shra may even like the thigh-high boots in the last pic – I know I do :).

Posted by Dave_not_dave | Report as abusive

@Dave, the boots are nice, but as far as what I REALLY like in the pic, they fall a little short…

Posted by AllThatJazz | Report as abusive

@Jazz: Are you saying that he cape should have been longer?

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

A panda is a dandy way to pander, but liquor is quicker. Or something like that.

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

I humbly offer a haiku:

No pandering here
And no learning or teaching
Just the facts, of course

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

I was contemplating your Zen koan (“A panda is a dandy way to pander”) when I sprained my frontal lobe. So thanks, Blog Guy. Thanks a lot.

Posted by BartKing | Report as abusive

@BartKing: At least he didn’t say that a panda is a dandy way to pander when clapping as a one-hander. Then it might have been a double koan, and you could have sprained your medulla oblongata, too.

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

Pandas = yay from this girl!
BTW my boyfriend is now my fiance! Yay for me!

Posted by Funkyk | Report as abusive

Congrats from all of us, Funkyk!

Posted by rcbasler | Report as abusive

@spin – Exactly!

Posted by AllThatJazz | Report as abusive

@69Spinster: The more I say it, the more I’m convinced that “medulla oblongata” is the most sublime phrase that could roll off a panda panderer’s tongue.

Posted by BartKing | Report as abusive

A good blogger always starts and finishes nicely, doesn’t matter what comes in between :)

Posted by fwd079 | Report as abusive

Congratulations, @FunkyK!

@BartKing: Thanks for making me laugh out loud at my desk so that my co-workers are questioning the functionality of my medulla oblongata.

BTW, I am positive that we commenters could create a fantastic rap using the words “medulla oblongata.” It’s kind of like “Funky Cole Medina.”

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

I take a gander that “a panda is a dandy way to pander” except when one is, I say with candor, allergic to panda dander. Then one could sneeze, and the panda could be a sender into a fender bender, maybe in Denver.

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

You make me head spin, Spinny!
I love the panda, but I agree with Georgia, none of them are Mr.Fab Abs!
As for the boots, they are quite nice, Dave, but me and thigh high boots just dont go.. might have something to do with my height.

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive