Nine ways to lose weight and live forever

December 8, 2011

People say to me all the time, “Bob, your blog is SO stupid, how do you get people to read it?”

These folks don’t understand how online journalism works. You can write anything you want, and if you put a good headline on it people will read it. Especially if you hint at immortality, easy weight loss or better sex.

If your headline offers a numbered list, that’s even better. The best thing of all is a moderately clever play on words, which will attract people who think they are smart, and improve your demographics.

Toss in a photo of a nice dog or the Duchess of Cambridge, and it’s a hit.

This is a very good deal, because it means I work about five minutes a day.

Looking back at the blog for this year, here are my favorite headlines. Smart people, come on down!

9. Let me regalia with a story…

8. The Rhymes they are A-Changin’

7. Along came a slider who sat down beside her…

6.  Rewriting Jane, an Austen-tatious move

5. The King’s playin’ with his crotch again

4. The strain on Cain is changing his campaign?

3. Shermanize me another burger, honey!

2. Who’s your crawdaddy now?

And my very favorite headline of 2011…

1, Cleopatra? Who died and made YOU queen?

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Top: Dylan, a Newfoundland dog, pulls Christmas trees from the forest to a customer’s car at Dalby, near Pickering, northern England December 6, 2011. REUTERS/Nigel Roddis

Right: Britain’s Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, arrives for a charity concert at the Royal Albert Hall in west London December 6, 2011. REUTERS/Toby Melville

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I feel like I just won the lottery. My favorite headline is #1 on this list. wooHOOO!

I can’t speak for my level of demography, but I can offer a haiku with humility:

The ten fave headlines
Not about sex or weight loss
But about word play

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

Why are they advertising Viagra on your blog page?

Posted by amkoppelman | Report as abusive

@amkoppelman: Good question. Since there is a picture of the Duchess (and her SHOOOOOES — or SHOOOOE) on this page, the fellas shouldn’t need Viagra.

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

When you’re trying to meet a deadline
And want to scan blog headlines
Look for numbered lists and health,
Sex and quick wealth
Or any headline in which they’re combined

Posted by 69Spinster | Report as abusive

When I read “The strain on Cain is changing his campaign?” headline, I called my wife in to admire it with me.

She was a bit miffed that I was wasting her time.

Posted by BartKing | Report as abusive

Number 2 is of a Crawdad! Which is a tiny Lobsteroid!

Now George is pouting. Thanks, BG. If you could just put one picture of a Crab in here, he will be happy for the rest of his life!

Posted by uncarastus | Report as abusive

BG, excellent sir, just excellent

Posted by jclimacus081 | Report as abusive

How do you get people to read your blog? Well there’s the problem right there – who said any of us could read that well?
Where else can you go to not be educated or otherwise learn anything (by order of Shra) and yet still come away with more than you started?
You Sir, Mr. Blog Guy, are an artist and have a genius beyond compare – life will be that much more empty without the daily OE dose.
BTW that’s one SERIOUSLY big dawg.

Posted by Nosmo_King | Report as abusive

Blog guy, I am distraught. How in the world am I going to find such a delightful way to waste 5 or 10 minutes of my day once you’ve stopped writing this blog?
Seriously, I will miss my daily trip into absurdity. Good luck in your future ventures…

Posted by BmwRider | Report as abusive

Un Chien Andalou!

Posted by DoctorDoll | Report as abusive

I read that as “Especially if you hint at immorality…” :)

Posted by CrowGirl | Report as abusive

@Spin, yes that is a great picture of Catherine and normally it would serve the eyes well but today I just can’t get into it. I mean why should I? It’s all going to go away soon anyway right? There doesn’t seem to be a point to it all anymore. Nothing to look forward to. No more Catherine. No more horrendous fashion shows. No more traveling and career tips. No more shaggy dogs pulling carts. Even my morning doughnut didn’t taste as good as it usually does. I couldn’t even bother to read todays list. Why should I even care? Perhaps it’s best to just go to bed and try to forget.

Fourth Stage of Grief: Depression

Posted by iflydaplanes | Report as abusive

I thought that Doc was referring to someone from China named Andalou.

Posted by uncarastus | Report as abusive

DOGGIEEEEE! What a gorgeous animal.

Lately, I’ve tried reading between the lines with my secret de-coder glasses. That or trying to read the lines with a glass of Guinness. Bit of a toast to the Blog.

Posted by Onedoor | Report as abusive

Has anyone heard from Shra? No comment on the SHOOOOOOEEEEESSSS?

I heard that there was a major storm hitting Scotland…

Posted by inebgreen | Report as abusive

As much as I would like to pretend that I survived a massive storm and all, well pooh pooh!
It was more of a storm in a tea cup in my part of Scotland..
Was told to take half the day off, so I went galivanting in the “storm”…
And now that I am back, I can see SHOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEESSSSSS!!!!

P.S. I have exactly the same kind, just with a smaller heel!!! :):):):):)
(doing a wee victory dance here)

Posted by Shra | Report as abusive

That dog looks just like Medo the bear, only a few years older. We’ll miss that bear too.

I will be having withdrawal symptoms soon. Maybe I’ll start blogging myself on facebook, and try to honour the BG’s spirit of blogging. Anyone else up for this? Maybe we should do a joint-blog together and give the throne to Mr. Bas himself.

Posted by Malteser | Report as abusive