Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
Happy Thanksgiving, Blog Guy!
Thanks, and the same to you and to all my readers.
Me? I’m feeling very blessed to be surrounded by my dear family and great friends.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course you have to say that, but specifically, what are you thankful for right now, this minute?
Oh. Well, I’m thankful that I live in a country where nobody can force me to watch Charlie Sheen or listen to accordion music or eat Brussels sprouts.
That’s good. And what else?
I’m thankful for bountiful gaffes, such as “Oops,” and the “Happy Birthday” to Elvis and “I got all this stuff twirling around in my head.”
Blog Guy, it’s me, the private detective you hired to track down your birth family when you found out you were adopted. I have great news for you!
I’ve found your family and I’m sending photos of your closest relatives, including your two brothers, in this picture at the top.
Okay Blog Guy, tell us the location of the troops…
No way! You’ll NEVER make me betray my country!
Oh, so you’re a tough guy, huh? Suppose we cram brussel sprouts down your throat and make you watch “Jersey Shore?”
It won’t work. I won’t sell out my friends. There’s nothing you can do!
Blog Guy, do you still arrange those fantasy photos for your readers?
Yeah, as long as my budget holds out. What do you have in mind?
Okay. I’m seeing, uh, Oprah….
Yikes, Oprah? She charges $30 an hour for fantasy shoots! What’s she doing in your fantasy?
Uh, she’s with that actor Russell Crowe, on a yacht. In Australia.
OMG that’s my whole fantasy photo budget for the year! Anything else?
Yes, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is playing a grand piano, see…
Jeez! It has to be a GRAND piano?
There’s more. I see actress Anne Hathaway, at a Nobel Peace Prize ceremony in Oslo, and…
Blog Guy, I’ve noticed you often use pictures of the Dalai Lama in your blog. He’s always smiling, and he seems to have true inner peace.
Yeah, I suppose so. But that’s his job, isn’t it?
You’re SO cynical! I bet you’re constantly hoping something will push him over the edge and make him snap, but of course nothing will ever do that.
Blog Guy, I was interested in your recent post about music in Hell. You painted a nightmarish picture of nonstop accordions and bagpipes droning everywhere. Anyway, I have a question. Is there adequate parking in Hell, or do you have to spend all your time looking for a space?
“All your time” is a relative term in Hell. Taking a few centuries to find a good space isn’t going to inconvenience you in eternity, after all. Having said that, as you can see there is ample parking at most places.
Blog Guy, can you answer a theological question for me?
I don’t see why not.
Do you think there’s music in Hell?
I know for certain there is, and I have a very clear vision of what the big orchestra there sounds like. It’s not like anything you’d find on earth.
Oh! Tell me, tell me!
Hey Blog Guy, let’s play a game. What’s the very, very worst thing you can imagine doing right now?
Um, I’d have to say, watching that World Cup thing. You know, in person.
Sure, I think most people feel that way, but surely you can be more specific. Say you WERE at the World Cup right now, couldn’t it get worse somehow?
Blog Guy, I want to enlist in the military, but I need to be sure I’m in the most bad-ass, macho, kick-butt outfit my country has to offer. So what should I ask for? Afghanistan? Iraq?
No, you should demand to join Hell Squad.
You know, the famed Hell Squad! Our elite unit that makes forays into Hades. Perdition. The Inferno. Across the River Styx. Like where Satan lives. Here’s a picture of them in action, although it only shows the nicer part of Hell.
Blog Guy, I’m graduating from college in May and I’m looking for an interesting career. Somebody gave me a colorful brochure on “The Exciting Field of Unexploded Ordnance Collecting,” and I wondered what you thought of that.
Look, I know it sounds glamorous, but I don’t recommend it.
See, the phrase “unexploded ordnance” is an incomplete thought. It really means ordnance that hasn’t exploded YET.