Blog Guy, I want to buy a really good bicycle. Who makes the very best?

Boy, are you behind the times! The best bikes are no longer made, they’re GROWN, mostly in Asia.

Indeed, Indonesia’s famous bicycle trees are bearing fruit right now, and the bikes are being hand-picked, ripened and shipped.

I had no idea. Count me in for one of those tree bikes. And a tree tricycle for my daughter, too.

Tree TRICYCLE? What planet are you from? Tricycles come from factories. Tree tricycles indeed! Sheesh!

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Indonesians try to grab prizes hung on top of greased poles during a game locally known as “Panjat Pinang” in Jakarta, August 17, 2008. REUTERS/Dadang Tri

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Blog Guy, your blogs about the lesser-known Olympics events have been eye-opening. Thanks for being the only one to write about Bare-Knuckle Self-Fighting, while the Mainstream Media just crams swimming down our throats. What else aren’t we seeing?

Well, I’m a huge fan of the Equestrian Jump-Over-it-Yourself event. This is where a horse gallops up to the fence, stops suddenly, and throws its rider over. It’s a very complex maneuver, and to get the most points, the riders have to look like they’re not expecting it.

Sheesh! I’m e-mailing NBC to demand coverage! Is there more stuff they’re hiding?

Absolutely. For instance, the so-called television coverage ignores my very favorite event, Women’s Stiletto-Heel Lingerie Slap-Boxing. You be sure to mention that in your e-mail to the network, and tell ‘em you saw it here.

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New Zealand’s Katie McVean falls off Forest after he refused to jump a fence during the equestrian jumping individual first qualifier at the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games in Hong Kong August 15, 2008. REUTERS/ Caren Firouz

Models play a game on the catwalk during “Hot in The City” lingerie collection in Sydney, August 15, 2008. REUTERS/Daniel Munoz

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Blog Guy, you mentioned advertising deals for some of the Olympic athletes. Any idea who will be the first one to do a commercial?

There’s a lot of secrecy of course, but I have spies at the big ad agencies. It seems a number of women weightlifters are already trying out for a laxative commercial, and I’ve even obtained some of the audition photos.

Eeewww! A laxative commercial? Why weightlifters?

See for yourself.  They have that constipated look, and then the camera will pull back to show them lifting weights, as a voice says “Don’t be a dumbbell, use our laxative…” It’s Madison Avenue at its most creative.

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REUTERS photos by Yves Herman

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Blog Guy, what’s it like when you win at the Olympics? I mean, do athletes go through physical changes?

For sure. Sports doctors say most athletes totally lose control of their tongue. You’ll see photos of winners with their tongues flopping like they just had a quart of Novocaine. This can last for months.

I had no idea! I always thought that was just because they’re obnoxious!

No, it’s involuntary. When the really big superstar Olympics winners are in TV commercials, they shoot them from behind or wearing ski masks, or sometimes they use a tongue stunt-double. Surely you’ve noticed that?

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REUTER photos: above, Arkady Vyatchanin by Jerry Lampen

below, clockwise, Stephanie Rice by Jerry Lampen, Arkady Vyatchanin by David Gray, Deborah Gravenstijn by Kim Kyung-Hoon and Leandro Guilheiro by Dylan Martinez

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Hey Blog Guy, I know you’re completely on top of movie remakes and sequels. I’ve heard there is going to be another Jurassic Park sequel. Is that true?

Yeah, I’m afraid so, and as so often happens with sequels, this franchise has run out of steam.

The premise of this one is that a beauty pageant is held at Jurassic Park, which supposedly has been cleared of dinosaurs, but of course there are some left. The special effects for “Jurassic Park: Beauties and the Beasts” are the cheesiest yet, as you can see from these studio promotional photos. Are we just supposed to not notice some guy’s fingers?

I don’t recommend this one unless you’re really into vapid, half-naked blonde chicks being terrorized and dismembered by scaly green reptiles. Oh, never mind - I see you’re already in the ticket line.

Barbie Slideshow

A piece by LaVonne Sallee titled “Z-Warrior Barbie in Battle with an Iguana” sits on a display at the “Altered Barbie” exhibition in San Francisco, August 11, 2008. REUTERS/Kimberly White

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Blog Guy, Thanks for covering Olympics sports like the Human Slingshot. Are there other sports the mainstream media hide from us?

Sure. There’s a whole dark underbelly of Olympics sports they don’t put on Wheaties boxes. Like Bare-Knuckle Self-Fighting, shown here. You should see how this guy looked after he defeated himself. If he wakes up, he’ll get a gold medal.

I had no idea! I’d love to watch that! What else?

Well, Olympic Dog-Boxing should get more attention, because dogs can beat the best human boxers. This year’s gold went to Chela. She could really give our human team some pointers.

Are you just saying that because Chela is a pointer?

Yeah, maybe. But I haven’t even mentioned the really violent event, Javalin Throwers vs. Synchronized Swimmers…

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Above: Spain’s Victor Tomas celebrates scoring during their men’s preliminary round Group A handball game against China at the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games August 14, 2008. REUTERS/Hannibal Hanschke

Below: Chela, a German Shorthaired Pointer, prepares to fight with boxing gloves before a demonstration in Lima, Peru, August 13, 2008. REUTERS/Pilar Olivares

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Chad Ruble, our collector of bizarre video clips, continues his nostalgic Odd Look at World War II Foes today, with more stuff from Germany and Japan.

Among other things, he shows the explosion of some cooling towers at an energy plant. Heck, just by itself that’s all the entertainment you need for the weekend.

Here’s Chad and here is Chad’s And Finally archive…

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Blog Guy, it seems like all your VIP shots from the Olympics are of President Bush. You know, there are other important people there as well.

I’m from The Netherlands. I happen to know our Crown Prince William-Alexander is there, but you haven’t even mentioned him in your so-called blog!

Hey, calm down, Dutch Dude! When you’re right, you’re right. I asked our photo team in Beijing to get some pics - or maybe picks is a better word - and here is your prince multi-tasking at the Games.

Let me know if you want more.

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The Netherlands’ Crown Prince Willem-Alexander (R) and Crown Princess Maxima watch swimming events at the Beijing Olympic Games August 14, 2008. REUTERS/Kai Pfaffenbach

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Blog Guy, I know those Olympic athletes subject their bodies to a lot of torture. Which sport do you think is the most abusive? Weightlifting? Javelin? Discus?

None of those. It’s the often-underestimated Human Slingshot event.

The what?

It’s that one where swimmers stretch their rubber cap out as far as they can, then let it snap back to hit themselves in the head. They do it repeatedly, until only one is left standing. There’s no mistaking those big red welts on their ears and cheeks.

Wow, that’s harsh! What do they do to relax after THAT?

Well I’ll tell you, they sure don’t listen to an iPod!

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Jakob Johann Sveinsson of Iceland pulls off his swimming cap after competing in his men’s 200 meters breaststroke heat at the Beijing Olympic Games, August 12, 2008. REUTERS/ Wolfgang Rattay

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Quick quiz: You find graphic evidence that your husband has been unfaithful. You…

a) toss his cheating butt out on the street with the evidence close behind

b) hand the evidence over to your lawyer and take hubby to the cleaners

c) put the evidence up for sale on eBay

Pay attention, folks! If it’s humiliating, tawdry or tacky, you can make money out of it, which is what a wife is doing with the lacy black panties and condom wrapper she found in her bed.

Adding insult to injury, her ad stresses the condom is small, and the panties are very large.

But here’s the really scary thing. She’s only selling a PHOTO of the panties, because it turns out eBay prohibits selling used underwear . Now, this is news! If it’s necessary for them to make a rule like that, then this counts as another genuine sign of the upcoming Apocalypse!

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Screenshot of eBay listing taken on August 13, 2008.

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