Blog Guy, I know you’re always making fun of bizarre fashion show outfits, but they can’t ALL be that bad. Is it fair for you to only show a designer’s strangest creations?

I guess you’re right. A few days ago I got a lot of traffic, and comments, on a post showing a creation by Pakistani designer Tayyab Bombal, which featured a model wearing only shoes and trousers.

I heard from the designer himself, who thanked me for showing his design and shared some of his other stuff with me.

As you can see in this combo shot above, Tayyab doesn’t ONLY create men’s clothes for The Shirtless Look.

For instance, there’s also the Red Vest and No Shirt Look. Close your eyes and picture Art Carney on “The Honeymooners.” “Hey there, Ralphie boy!”

Then there is this OTHER thing, sort of a half-shirt with straps. Tayyab tells me it’s supposed to represent the hardships of the Pakistani Army in war zones.

Now, that makes perfect sense to me. If I wore that thing in a war zone - or  heck, even to buy a Big Gulp down at my neighborhood 7-Eleven - I guess I’d expect hardships as well.

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Bottom: A model takes to the catwalk wearing a creation by Pakistani designer Tayyab Bombal during Fashion Pakistan Week in Karachi on November 7, 2009. REUTERS/Adrees Latif

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Blog Guy, you must be familiar with the works of the prophetic writer Nostradamus. What was the three-word phrase which he predicted would trigger the end of life as we know it?

You know very well what the phrase is.

Yeah, but I want to see it in your blog.

Fine. It’s “turd-shaped balloon.” Are you happy?

The only reason I’m willing to use it is that it showed up in a photo caption this week, so the cosmic chain of events has now begun. We are told in this actual caption that folks in a protest march are carrying a “turd-shaped balloon.”

Where on earth do you even go to BUY such a thing?

I suppose Turd-Shaped Balloons R Us.

“So this is the best turd-shaped balloon you sell, Mr. Johnson? Gosh, it looks more like one of those swirly chocolate cones from a frozen yogurt chain.

“I don’t mean to seem critical, I’m just not sure it’s completely obvious what it is. Could you perhaps, you know… You won’t? Oh. Well, is there any way we could make the balloon stink?”

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Above: People carry a turd-shaped balloon during a march to protest against the lifting of a U.S. beef ban by the Taiwan government, in Taipei November 14, 2009. REUTERS/Nicky Loh

Below: Nostradamus portrait

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Okay, I’m big enough to admit when I was wrong.

I’ve devoted several items recently to a wild conspiracy theory about a nefarious plot by prominent people who wear white hats to secretly identify themselves to each other.

Readers pointed out photos of everybody from Brad Pitt and the Dalai Lama to Madonna and boxer Jake “Raging Bull” LaMotta, and I poked fun at their theories.

Needless to say, that was before I saw a video clip on our own reuters.com of actress Salma Hayek in Cairo, spouting absolute gibberish about taking her kid to the Pyramids and crap like that.

The piece is so totally devoid of news value that it could ONLY have been filed for the conspiracy, to share a coded message from Hayek in her white hat.

Of course, since this clip was posted by one of my own colleagues, now would be the point in any slasher movie where I would learn that the call came from inside the house.

So now that I have no idea who I can trust, I’m going underground. I’ll blog from an undisclosed location and watch my back. Come to think of it, that’s not much of a change for me.

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Combo top left: Honduras’ ousted President Manuel Zelaya, October 8, 2009. REUTERS/Edgard Garrido

Combo top right: Peru’s President Alan Garcia, October 22, 2009. REUTERS/Enrique Castro-Mendivil

Combo bottom left: Tibet’s exiled spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, September 30, 2009. REUTERS/Pool

Combo bottom right: Actor Brad Pitt, July 2, 2008. REUTERS/Chris Serrano

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Blog Guy, I’m planning a trip to Russia soon and as a hotshot travel writer you know a lot about different cuisines. So like, in Moscow, is there anything I should avoid?

It all depends on your taste, but for the time being I’d steer clear of cheap kebab places.

Gosh, if you can’t trust a cheap kebab house in Moscow, what CAN you trust? Any special reason to avoid them?

Only that Russian police have arrested three homeless people suspected of eating a 25-year-old man they had butchered, and selling other bits of the corpse to a local kebab house.

Oh. But apart from that, no there’s no other problem with kebab houses there?

Uh, not apart from that human meat aspect, no.  Knock yourself out.

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Above: Russian President Dmitry Medvedev (C) shares food with Cuban leader Raul Castro (L) in the official residence Zavidovo outside Moscow January 29, 2009. Medvedev hosted Castro with kebabs, salted wild boar’s fat and vodka. REUTERS/Alexander Zemlianichenko/Pool

Below: A worker cuts meat from a spit in a Kebab restaurant in Dortmund, Germany, in a 2006 file photo. REUTERS/Ina Fassbender

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Blog Guy, prepare for your ultimate throw-down! You’re good at coming up with fantasy photos for your readers. Do you think there’s any limit to your archive?

None whatsoever.

Okay, I’m drawing random names from two different drums. One contains the stars of the old sitcom “Seinfeld,” and the other contains everybody else who ever lived. First, I’d like to see, uh, Jason Alexander, with, let’s see, U.S. Senator Richard Lugar.

Here you go. This one is from last Friday, unless you prefer one of their earlier pairings.

That’s stunning! Okay, now I want Jerry Seinfeld with - aha! - Shimon Peres, the President of Israel!

Okay, check this out.

My God! You’re diabolical! Next I want Julia Louis-Dreyfus, with former first lady Mamie Eisenhower.

Oh, sorry, only two requests per reader. I can’t make exceptions. It’s a shame, too, because that one is a real doozy…

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Above: Actor Jason Alexander (R) is greeted by Senator Richard Lugar (R-IN), ranking Republican on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, to discuss Israel and the Palestinian Territories on behalf of the ONEVOICE Peaceworks Foundation on Capitol Hill in Washington, November 13, 2009.  REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque

Below: Israel’s President Shimon Peres (R) meets comedian Jerry Seinfeld in Jerusalem, November 23, 2007, in this handout photo by the Israeli Government Press Office (GPO). REUTERS/Moshe Milner/GPO/Handout

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Blog Guy, you blogged several times about the missing skull of German writer Friedrich Schiller. I see there’s another famous missing skull now, belonging to Australian outlaw Ned Kelly.

Right. Ned, whose real name was Ed, was the son of Red. Ned was a bushranger and killer, whose gang wore body armor that made them nearly unstoppable.

Wow. What’s a bushranger?

It’s Australian for what we would call a big fat dumbass. Ned and his gang were finally stopped in an 1880 shootout at an Australian inn, I guess sort of like an Outback Steakhouse or something.

Ned was captured and hanged. His skull was stolen, but now it may have been found.

Do you think this really is his skull?

Probably. If you look closely at the video screen grab above, you can see “E. Kelly” carved in the skull. I can’t see anybody else doing something that painful to himself.

Geez, Blog Guy, couldn’t ANYBODY have just carved that into this skull, ANYTIME?

Hmm. I hadn’t thought of that! I like it, because it makes room for my own personal pet theory.

Which is?

This is really the skull of  Friedrich Schiller.

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Body armor of Ned Kelly, on display at the State Library of Victoria in Melbourne, March 13, 2008. REUTERS/Mick Tsikas

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Blog Guy, I read that Clint Eastwood got a major honor from France on Friday, presented by French President Nicolas Sarkozy himself. Awesome!

Yeah, but Sarkozy tried being an even tougher guy than Eastwood, and got all up in his face like he was gonna punch him. It wouldn’t surprise me if…

Blog Guy, you’re pathetic. Sarkozy and Eastwood got along great. If you read the caption, you’ll see the “tough guy” Sarkozy photo was from some other event, three weeks ago.

Okay, this is happening WAY too often, that readers are learning stuff from the real captions. I think it’s time for extreme measures on my part.

You’ll start reading them yourself?

Nah, I’ll just stop running them.

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Above: France’s President Nicolas Sarkozy chairs a meeting with health care industry managers at the Elysee Palace in Paris, October 26, 2009. REUTERS/ Jacques Brinon/Pool

Below: U.S. actor and director Clint Eastwood (L) reacts with France’s President Nicolas Sarkozy after he was named as a Commandeur de la Legion d’Honneur in Paris, November 13, 2009. REUTERS/Thibault Camus/Pool

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Blog Guy, my favorite actress is Marcia Gay Harden. Why isn’t she in more stuff?

Because Marcia divides her time between acting and her real love, working as the captain of a luxury cruise ship.

WHAT?

We caught up with her this week in New York City, aboard the Carnival Dream, tooting the horn, dropping the anchor and stuff, charting a course for Louisville or someplace like that.

Blog Guy, are you out of  your fricking mind? She’s just there to promote a new cruise ship. That’s it.

You know, that’s what I thought at first, too. But look at the caption. It has one of those NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS warnings on it.

So, why would they bring in a famous actress and then not be able to use the pictures for anything? No, I’m sticking with my original guess, that she’s the captain.

Blog Guy, do you always just “guess” at the so-called news you print here?

No, not always. Sometimes I just make it up completely.

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Actress Marcia Gay Harden dons Carnival Dream Captain Carlo Queirolo’s hat while touring the ship’s bridge in New York City, November 12, 2009. Harden presided over ship’s naming ceremonies for the new ship. REUTERS/Ray Stubblebine/ Carnival Cruise Lines/HO) FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

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On the topic of life imitating art, this guy in the bottom photo is straight out of one of my favorite short stories. I’ll be pretty impressed if any readers can identify it.

But enough of that. I hate to admit it, but I guess I just don’t get out enough.

We have a series of photos from something called a “sobering-up station,” which apparently they used to have a lot of over in Russia but now they don’t have so many because money is tight.

I’m not clear whether we have anything like those here, other than what we call our “homes,” unless you count the “drunk tank” at the jail. I suppose this Russian thing must be in-between those two extremes.

This particular “sobering-up station” is in Stavropol, which is the sister city of our own Des Moines, Iowa. I’m tempted to ask how drunk you have to be to need a sobering-up station, but I guess I already know the answer to that from the tattoos.

“Hi sweetie, I’m home! Yeah, I spent the night at the sobering-up station next door. Sorry I didn’t call, but I couldn’t remember what a telephone was.

“And by the way honey, you’re not even gonna BELIEVE what I found on my back this morning!”

Sobering up slideshow

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A sobering-up station in Russia’s southern city of Stavropol, November 12, 2009. Many of Moscow’s sobering-up stations, of which there were plenty in the days of the Soviet regime, have been closed due to lack of money. REUTERS/ Eduard Korniyenko

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Okay fashion staff, welcome to the future. This is our first test of a bold and radical new process for designing women’s clothing.

As you know, we fed tons of raw data about MEN into a massive new software program, and told the computer to design the perfect creation to appeal to the largest possible number of males.

We fed in detailed data on age, income, location, politics, religion, marital status, hobbies, personal values - you name it - and then punched the big red “CREATE” button.

After three crashes and reboots, here’s the first thing the computer gave us: a trashy-looking floozy with a cheap bleach job, wearing a short dress with several hundred beer bottles hanging from it.

YES! The rest is history - we’ve pre-sold 20 million of these dresses through this blog, and we haven’t even started making them yet! Is life great, or what?

Lamar, how are you coming with the prototype of that second item, the Swiss Cheese and Lunch Meat Blouse?

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A model presents a creation by Portuguese designer Vitor during the Lisbon Fashion Week in Cascais October 10, 2009. Reuters/Hugo Correia

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