Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

That’s why they call it Killing time…

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What’s up, Blog Guy? You look annoyed.

Yeah, I hate being suckered. I see the programming chief for AMC now says the murder that was the central crime in his network’s Emmy-nominated series, “The Killing,” will be wrapped up in the SECOND season.

Wait. Didn’t that show just finish its first season? You mean they didn’t solve the crime?

Nope. Oh, they toyed with us and invited us to their Website to discuss who would be revealed, but then they hit us in the face with a big cream pie in the last two minutes of the season closer.

Even the AMC exec admits his network “should have managed expectations better.”

Fashions for a more forgettable you…

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Blog Guy, I need some of your famous fashion advice.

I’m in a business I’d rather not name, but it’s in my best interest for certain people not to be able to find me. Am I clear so far?

I’ve seen nothing, I’ve heard nothing.

Good, I guess you’re smarter than you look in your photo.

So anyway, I like to look fashionable, just like anybody on the run. Where can someone like me go for low-profile high fashion?

‘Tis the season to be Charlie….

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Blog Guy, you used to give us a lot more news about what those British people are up to, what with the royal wedding and everything. How about an update?

Well, they’re up to their knickers in celebrating Christmas now, of course, and they…

You’re kidding me, right? Right?

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Blog Guy, everybody knows you give the best travel advice. I’m out of my mind, like totally nuts, and I’m looking for a good vacation spot.

Have you been to that viewing platform I wrote about in the Bavarian Alps?

Of course. Opening day.

How about The Ledge at the Sears Tower in Chicago?

Been there.

That walkway over the Grand Canyon?

Done it four times.

Jeez. Hmmm. Are you willing to go to Canada?

Sure! I did mention that I’m nuts, right?

Then you should try this new tourist attraction at the CN Tower in Toronto, where you can traipse around an open-mesh metal walkway almost a quarter of a mile above the ground. There’s no guard rail.

For dummies who read this blog…

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Blog Guy, you run a fairly low-tech operation, right? I mean, there’s nothing complicated about doing a humor blog.

You couldn’t be more wrong. We do consumer testing, focus groups, FDA monitoring, all that stuff.

The importance of…Have I used this headline before?

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It’s summer, Blog Guy, and that means lots of funny local competitions. I hope you’re monitoring those for your readers.

I’m all over it. Looks like they just had some kind of “Plump Old Coot” contest in Key West, Florida, open to guys with big guts, white beards and Boy Scout uniforms. I have a photo of six of them.

And the Sportsman of the Century was…

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It’s a vintage Rolls Royce convertible, bristling with firepower. A mounted machine gun, a Lantaka swivel cannon, a double-barrel high-caliber Howdah pistol. And it used to belong to James Bond, right?

Nope, it just belonged to some dumbass.

Readers of this blog know I’m always amazed that people will spend tons of money to own stuff touched by a genuine dumbass. A Jesse James autograph, Lee Harvey Oswald’s coffin, Bernie Madoff’s underwear.

If Lego made shoes for women…

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Lamar, you said you had a hot new fashion design to show me. I’m skeptical after that nutty lingerie thing a few days ago, but I’m listening.

Here it is, boss, behold the future!

This is just a pile of crap, Lamar. Plastic lumps and rubber bands and stuff.

To the untrained eye, sure. But it’s actually a flexible modular shoe design which allows a woman to make 256 different footwear combinations!

Can I borrow your toothbrush for my feet?

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Great news. We have another one of those serious etiquette columns that appear to be aimed at folks who were raised by neanderthals. Early neanderthals, not the more evolved ones.

This particular column tells you how to behave if you are a house guest. If you still need to be told this stuff, then good luck ever getting invited anyplace.

Hardware store? Send more wingnuts!

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Blog Guy, I need some of your famous career advice. I recently graduated from college, and Mom gave me a brochure called “The Exciting World of Wing Walking.” I was wondering if I should pursue this?

I guess everybody goes through that phase, including me… We all want to be like Ormer Locklear, the first great daredevil wing walker. THERE was a barnstormer!