Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Get whiter teeth, with twice the pain

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Blog Guy, I read about a place in France that has made great strides in whitening teeth. Can you tell me more?

You’re in luck. I don’t actually read French, but then again I can make up stuff from looking at photos no matter where they were taken.

It scares me to death that that makes any sense to me at all, Blog Guy. So how does this method work?

I believe the technique involves biting on a gel-filled mouthpiece, which reacts to ultraviolet light.

After Total Recall, time for a fling?

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Blog Guy, recently you did an item about a lot of consumer products recalled in a short period.  Were you trying to scare us?

No! Whatever made you think that?

The headline on it was, Attention! Everything has been recalled!

Oh, right. You mean the post about recent recalls of cantaloupe, lettuce, candy, ice cream, pine nuts, prawns, soy burgers, kale chips, spinach, eggs, tuna, cars, motorcycles, gas range tops, recliner chairs…

The worst fashions? Manure couture…

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Blog Guy, I mainly come here for your coverage of really bad fashion. You do show us ALL the worst creations, right?

Of course I do. Except the stuff I need to protect my readers from, of course. But everything else gets…

So, you guys here on that Groupon deal?

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Blog Guy, wake up! Looks like you fell asleep at your computer.

Oh, yeah, thanks. I was going through the so-called “family photos” of finance ministers from the APEC Summit in Hawaii, and I keep falling asleep.

Can’t you get somebody else to do that?

Who? Who on earth is EVER going to look at these pictures, and yet they are a staple of every single summit. There are so many people, we don’t even bother to name them.

So I’m not the sexiest man alive?

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Boss, you got a minute for a private chat?

Sure Lamar, what’s up?

I’m kinda depressed. “People Magazine” just announced its “Sexiest Man Alive” choice for this year, and once again, it wasn’t me.

I can see where that would be a blow to somebody with your unusual looks, Lamar. Who got it this time?

You feelin’ fertile, Myrtle?

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Blog Guy, I’m hoping you can help answer a question for me. Where do babies come from?

Er, uh, you should probably ask your parents about that.

They told me to ask you, then they went off to work in their haberdashery.

Oh. Well, when a a man and a woman love each other very much, they pick up the phone and order a delivery from the Sperm Bike, which pedals over with a gallon of baby-starter.

You’re Putin that drill in my mouth?

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Blog Guy, you haven’t updated us on Ronald Basler recently. You remember, you keep getting his spam at your e-mail address?

Things seemed to be looking better for him the last time, what with getting a Russian bride and taking a Napa getaway and everything.

You got STUFF twirling in your head?

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Okay, I’m sorry, I can’t even begin to improve on this video clip.

In an interview with the Milwaukee Journal Sentinal, Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain is asked whether he agreed with President Obama on Libya.

“Okay, Libya…” Cain says, like a sixth-grader pausing before spelling Mississippi. He adjusts a bottle of water for no apparent reason.

Hey, I never said I’m proud of myself!

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Blog Guy, I’ve just started a new blog, and I could use some advice from a veteran like yourself. What do you do if you want to get a lot of traffic, but you don’t want to work very hard for it?

That’s called cheap pandering to readers with click-bait, and blogging professionals don’t do it.

Buy, buy Miss American Pie…

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Blog Guy, do you have a personal guiding philosophy of life? You know, three or four words that express your world view?

It’s funny you should ask. I didn’t until today, but now I do, thanks to the cover of a catalog that came in the mail.