Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Nobody gets off THIS train, pal!

Photo
-

Blog Guy, I know you’re closely following the race for the Republican presidential nomination. I’m a little surprised you haven’t chosen a Quote of the Week yet for last week.

It goes to candidate Herman Cain, who told reporters, “When people get on the Cain train, they don’t get off.”

Wait. He said what?

“When people get on the Cain train, they don’t get off.”

But doesn’t that make this so-called Cain train sort of like that Eagles song, “Hotel California,” where “You can check out any time you like but you can never leave”? It seems to, although it reminded me more of that Roach Motel tagline, “Roaches check in, but they don’t check out!”  

Remember to bring protection, honey

Photo
-

Blog Guy, I’m worried sick! I heard there was some problem with protecting Paris Hilton. Is she okay?

She’s fine, but her bodyguards aren’t.

They were hurt while protecting her?

No, they were fired FOR protecting her. Our story, Elite Polish cops sacked for protecting Paris Hilton, says three police commandos were told to resign or they would be fired for serving as Hilton’s bodyguards during a recent appearance at a shopping mall opening.

$2,250? You’re off your trolley!

Photo
-

Blog Guy, has your Thanksgiving Williams-Sonoma catalog arrived yet? I can’t wait to see what expensive specialty gadgets we need to help us prepare the most traditional meal of all.

Indeed it did arrive, but I confess I stopped at the massive holiday cocktail section and got no further.

Say “I’ll be back,” Duchess….

Photo
-

Blog Guy, it’s me, the one you got hooked on pictures of Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge.

I’ve told you, I got a lot of people hooked on her, with my “first one’s always free” policy.

Space dudes come “home” from stupid trip

Photo
-

Okay, I thought this was a goofy idea 17 months ago, and I haven’t changed my mind.

Back in mid-2010, I made fun of a Russian science experiment where six guys were about to “simulate” a trip to Mars, by spending 520 days in a mock “spaceship” on Earth.

Think she’ll notice if we take her purse?

Photo
-

Lamar, where did you get the models for today’s fashion show?

From my psychiatrist. They’re all in therapy for various things, so they’re happy to have the work.

Therapy? Is it safe to have them here?

Oh sure, Boss, most of the ones with violent tendencies turned down the gig. My shrink says one of these chicks is being treated for narcolepsy.

Today’s reading is from Shooteronomy

Photo
-

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written about any new signs of that onrushing Apocalypse, so I foolishly thought things might be getting better.

Let’s see here. Roman Catholic bishops in Wisconsin are urging their parishioners not to bring weapons TO CHURCH, now that a new law permits state residents to carry concealed firearms and electric weapons such as stun guns or tasers.

Perhaps you recognize my large chest?

Photo
-

So, pal, what do you do for a living?

What do I DO? I am FABIO!

Sorry, I don’t understand. What is that?

I am an actor and a model!

Oh! Have I seen you in anything?

Probably. I played the Handsome Man in “Scenes from a Mall,” the Blind Date in “Boogies Diner,” and I have done numerous cameos.

Long cameos?

No. The short kind.

Hmmmm. You do look familiar.

I am also a spokesman.

Spokesman, huh? For what?

I can’t believe it’s not butter.

What, this stuff on our plate isn’t butter?

No. I am a spokesman for I can’t believe it’s not butter!

Ah, I don’t watch much TV.

Do you read? I write books and my bare chest is on the covers! Perhaps you have read “Rogue,” “Comanche,” “Viking…”

You can’t have a term, Herm…

Photo
-

So, Blog Guy, as a keen observer of the political scene, what’s your take? Can Herman Cain be elected president at this point?

No, he cannot.

Because of the….

Exactly. Because of his name.

Now I’m confused. His name?

Of course. What did you think I meant? Check out the U.S. Bill of Rights, and you’ll see that nobody named Lemuel, Enoch or Herman is allowed to become president.

Keeping away from the Kardashians

Photo
-

Blog Guy, I’m a fed-up, angry American. Enough is enough!

What can we do to protect our country from those tawdry, horrid people? I see them everywhere now. I think you know who I’m talking about.

You must mean the Kardashians?

Of course! They’re everywhere! Now the mother has written her “memoirs,” and that daughter that got married like a week ago has already filed for divorce. How many of them are there, anyway?