Oddly Enough Blog

You’ve got till tomorrow to pay up, pal…

Blog Guy, I know you’re following the New Hampshire primary closely for your readers. All state primaries follow pretty much the same format, right?

Not at all. The New Hampshire race mainly involves a series of physical challenges between hopefuls and local voters. The one who wins the most fights wins the primary.

Wait just a minute, Blog Guy. Is that really true?

Sure. Here you can see former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney arm-wrestling a barber in Manchester. Romney beat the guy.

And here on the right is a photo of almost-candidate Donald Trump, picking a fight with a New Hampshire resident a few months ago. It’s a very brutal system.

Political paraffin-alia?

Blog Guy, this race for the Republican presidential nomination is getting pretty wild. First one candidate surges ahead, then another, then another. Now they’re saying former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is picking up support.

I think that’s probably true.

You really do? Is that based on your reading of the polls?

No, it’s based on pictures I just saw of new statues of Newt and his wife, at a wax museum.

Wax museums don’t mess around with losers, so when they unveil your statue, you’re going someplace, like these wax figures of then-candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama at a Madame Tussauds, back in 2008.

Our captions generally describe these figures as “lifelike,” even though they’re not.

A goofy Thanksgiving to all!

Happy Thanksgiving, Blog Guy!

Thanks, and the same to you and to all my readers.

So what are you thankful for This Thanksgiving?

Me? I’m feeling very blessed to be surrounded by my dear family and great friends.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course you have to say that, but specifically, what are you thankful for right now, this minute?

Oh. Well, I’m thankful that I live in a country where nobody can force me to watch Charlie Sheen or listen to accordion music or eat Brussels sprouts.

We need rhymers, not climbers!

Blog Guy, I know you’ve been following Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain and his campaign, complete with that Libya video meltdown and the “Cain train,” but what do you think about his latest comment?

You mean where he said, “We need a leader, not a reader.”

Yep.

Well, it is jolting to hear a candidate say something like that, but I know he loves those rhyming phrases. It’s sort of his trademark. Here are some examples from my own wide-ranging Cain interview, conducted in my imagination…

* * * * * * * * * *

Mr. Cain, could you comment on the Occupy Wall Street movement?

You got STUFF twirling in your head?

Okay, I’m sorry, I can’t even begin to improve on this video clip.

In an interview with the Milwaukee Journal Sentinal, Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain is asked whether he agreed with President Obama on Libya.

“Okay, Libya…” Cain says, like a sixth-grader pausing before spelling Mississippi. He adjusts a bottle of water for no apparent reason.

After making sure we’re all talking about the same Libya, Cain says, “I do not agree with the way he handled it for the following reason.” Then, amazingly, he stops himself, waves his hand and says, “No, that’s a different one.”

Libya, Herman. It’s been in the news, I’m pretty sure.

After that, it gets worse. “I got all this stuff twirling around in my head,” Cain says.

Voters are kept in the dark?

Johnson, get in my office! You call yourself a news photographer?

What is it this time, Boss?

It’s your pictures from that Republican debate! They’re too dark. I can’t even tell who these people are!

Oh. That one on top is Rick Perry, I think, or maybe Michele Bachmann. It’s not my fault, Boss. This was the debate they held entirely in the dark.

A whole debate in the dark?

Yeah, you know, some of the candidates wanted to debate on the radio, and some wanted television, so they compromised on televising it but with no lights.

Let’s see, governor, there’s Moe, Curly and…

It’s supposed to be the fourth thing that slips your mind. You know, you go to the store and remember the tuna fish and floor wax and avocados, but not the toilet paper.

But ANYBODY can remember three things.

Anybody but Texas Governor Rick Perry, that is. He declared at last night’s Republican debate that he planned to eliminate three government agencies but then could only remember two of them, Commerce and Education.

This left potential voters wondering if he would close the Defense Department, the State Department, or what?

“Oops,” said the governor.

How hard is it to remember three fricking things?”

Nobody gets off THIS train, pal!

Blog Guy, I know you’re closely following the race for the Republican presidential nomination. I’m a little surprised you haven’t chosen a Quote of the Week yet for last week.

It goes to candidate Herman Cain, who told reporters, “When people get on the Cain train, they don’t get off.”

Wait. He said what?

“When people get on the Cain train, they don’t get off.”

But doesn’t that make this so-called Cain train sort of like that Eagles song, “Hotel California,” where “You can check out any time you like but you can never leave”?

So you suppose the Cain train just keeps hurtling along at breakneck speed, with terrified passengers pressing grotesquely distorted faces against locked windows, wondering if they’re ever going to see their families again?

You can’t have a term, Herm…

So, Blog Guy, as a keen observer of the political scene, what’s your take? Can Herman Cain be elected president at this point?

No, he cannot.

Because of the….

Exactly. Because of his name.

Now I’m confused. His name?

Of course. What did you think I meant? Check out the U.S. Bill of Rights, and you’ll see that nobody named Lemuel, Enoch or Herman is allowed to become president.

Courting the goat vote…

Blog Guy, with the 2012 presidential campaign now underway, I’m surprised nobody is covering the goat angle.

Yeah, many political writers handle that group with kid gloves, but not me, not with all of the candidates actively courting the goat vote.

Are goats interested in the issues?

Are they! You go to any candidate’s events in New Hampshire these days, and you’ll find the goats bleating about something or other.

Four years ago they went for Obama, but this time around they’re listening to the Republican candidates and ruminating.

Ruminating, huh? You’re enjoying this, aren’t you? Do they tend to vote as a group?