Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Ve haff vays to make you talk!

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torture miss america 490

Okay Blog Guy, tell us the location of the troops…

No way! You’ll NEVER make me betray my country!

Oh, so you’re a tough guy, huh? Suppose we cram brussel sprouts down your throat and make you watch “Jersey Shore?”

torture accordion this 320It won’t work. I won’t sell out my friends. There’s nothing you can do!

Is that right? Sergeant, bring out “Lonnie and his Yodeling Accordionettes.”

You unspeakabe savages! Push me to extremes, I shall not break!

Oh, and Sergeant, bring out Miss Arkansas and her dummies. Then we’ll see what Blog Guy has to say.

Five seconds more, I’m goin’ postal!

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dalai lama accordion 490

Blog Guy, I’ve noticed you often use pictures of the Dalai Lama in your blog. He’s always smiling, and he seems to have true inner peace.

dalai lama accordion 300Yeah, I suppose so. But that’s his job, isn’t it?

You’re SO cynical! I bet you’re constantly hoping something will push him over the edge and make him snap, but of course nothing will ever do that.

What the Hell is that sound?

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USA/

Blog Guy, can you answer a theological question for me?

I don’t see why not.

hell accordion 200Do you think there’s music in Hell?

I know for certain there is, and I have a very clear vision of what the big orchestra there sounds like. It’s not like anything you’d find on earth.

Oh! Tell me, tell me!

Well, let’s see. Looking at the stage, over on the left I see a huge accordion section, and on the right it’s bagpipes. Hundreds of them.

This just about clinches it, I’m in hell…

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SOCCER-WORLD/

Hey Blog Guy, let’s play a game. What’s the very, very worst thing you can imagine doing right now?

Um, I’d have to say, watching that World Cup thing. You know, in person.

Sure, I think most people feel that way, but surely you can be more specific. Say you WERE at the World Cup right now, couldn’t it get worse somehow?

Who’s the Jurk with the accordion?

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Blog Guy, please help settle an argument. My girlfriend says that in some countries, accordion players can actually run for public office. I think she’s wrong.  I know you have written about the accordion problem in the past, and thought maybe you could shed some light.

Your girlfriend is right. Through a loophole in Germany’s election laws, there is an accordion player currently campaigning for office over there.

Oh, the humanity!

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Quick quiz: The most horrific road hazard faced by Tour de France riders is…

a) snipers in the trees

b) oncoming 18-wheelers

c) rabid leg-eating wolverines

d) blatant accordion music

Yes, all other hazards pale by comparison to the shameless accordion players, who can step out of the tall grass with no warning whatsoever.

Rich guy forces ukes on helpless world?

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We have a heartwarming story today about billionaire Warren Buffett, and how selfless he’s been in helping to nurture ukulele music, donating instruments and lessons to young girls and stuff like that.

My readers, ever compassionate, are already writing in to ask, “Bobby, isn’t there any damned thing we can do to stop that guy?”

Make it stop! Please make it stop!

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Blog Guy, what’s the worst thing about being President?

Are you kidding me? The bagpipes.

Bagpipes?

Sure. Morning, noon and night. Shrill, unrelenting bagpipe music, until you want to rip your face off. Bagpipers follow you everywhere. The oval office, the limo, the bathroom.

I wasn’t aware. That’s barbaric.The fiends!

It is. For some reason the Secret Service agents won’t shoot them, so the President just has to listen.

Keep playin’ the squeezebox, money man!

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Blog Guy, all this economic meltdown stuff really has me upset! I blame the stock traders. Isn’t there any way to punish them?

I’m not sure if it would be legal here, but it looks like over in Germany they’re forcing traders to come to work in appropriate costumes, dressed as prisoners, devils, pirates, accordion players, prostitutes….

Mayday! We have a Santa situation!

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santa-solo-160.jpgOkay, Santas, now listen up, because this could save your life.

It’s not all milk and cookies out there. Sooner or later you’ll drop down the wrong chimney. For instance, you might find a family of accordion players in the middle of a recital. Or maybe a house full of telemarketers and they “just want you to take a brief survey.” Or maybe it’s a cult of reindeer-eaters.

Whatever, you’re so out of there, which is why you keep your taser at the top of your bag, and you go nowhere without your rope ladder. Now let’s try it again. This time, use those concussion grenades, even if they do turn the house upside down!