Blog Guy, my favorite actress is Marcia Gay Harden. Why isn’t she in more stuff?

Because Marcia divides her time between acting and her real love, working as the captain of a luxury cruise ship.

WHAT?

We caught up with her this week in New York City, aboard the Carnival Dream, tooting the horn, dropping the anchor and stuff, charting a course for Louisville or someplace like that.

Blog Guy, are you out of  your fricking mind? She’s just there to promote a new cruise ship. That’s it.

You know, that’s what I thought at first, too. But look at the caption. It has one of those NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS warnings on it.

So, why would they bring in a famous actress and then not be able to use the pictures for anything? No, I’m sticking with my original guess, that she’s the captain.

Blog Guy, do you always just “guess” at the so-called news you print here?

No, not always. Sometimes I just make it up completely.

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Actress Marcia Gay Harden dons Carnival Dream Captain Carlo Queirolo’s hat while touring the ship’s bridge in New York City, November 12, 2009. Harden presided over ship’s naming ceremonies for the new ship. REUTERS/Ray Stubblebine/ Carnival Cruise Lines/HO) FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

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Okay gang, you all know the deal. We’ve actually persuaded Prince Charles to endorse our brand of coffee for a TV commercial!

Yeah, he said it’s only Canada so nobody will see it anywhere important, and he can use a few extra bucks.

It’s a real advertising coup, but we only get one take, so it has to be perfect the first time.

Now, the prince is going to just be walking along doing prince stuff, and ask for a cup of our coffee. He’ll try it, and then give us a big smile of delight.

Oh my God! This is our one take? This is supposed to make people buy this crap?

Well, we’ve paid for it so we have to use it, but at least edit out that last few seconds where he drops to his knees and spews his lunch on the crowd.

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Britain’s Prince Charles samples naturally grown coffee in traditional farmer’s market, at the Evergreen Brick Works Restoration site, in Toronto November 6, 2009. REUTERS/Fred Thornhill

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Blog Guy, I represent the creative team of a big advertising agency, and we want to buy a photo for an ad campaign.

We need a poor-quality black-and-white photo of a guy standing in front of some pegboard. Preferably, he should be a suspected war criminal.

Money is no object if the photo is bad enough. We noticed you have a headshot of one of the four most wanted suspects from Rwanda’s 1994 genocide.

Sorry Ad Man, but read the fine print in the caption below: “NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS!” You think that doesn’t apply to you?

I’m sorry to hear that. What about shots of balding older guys pointing at each other and sharing a laugh? I know you’ve got some of those.

Boy, you just don’t learn, do you? No means no!

I GOTCHA! We don’t really want ANY of those, I just wanted to see what you’d say, since it’s beyond human comprehension what kind of ad campaign you think would want them.

Well, somebody must want them real bad, or else we wouldn’t use that dire warning.

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Undated U.S. State Department photo of Idelphonse Nizeyimana, one of the four most wanted suspects from Rwanda’s 1994 genocide, who was arrested October 5, 2009… REUTERS/ U.S. State Department/ Handout  FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

Okay, creative staff. Here’s another chance to prove we’re the best damn advertising agency around! Our client is an insurance company that is tired of competing with that  Geiko Gecko.

Amid great secrecy, they’ve groomed a genuine reptile of their own. No animation, no computer generation, just the real thing. Look at him in his lounge chair!

This guy is big and kind of nasty, so be careful. Herb, don’t get too close, or…. Ow! That’s unfortunate!

How many fingers did you have on that hand, Herb? Well, if people ask, just tell ‘em it’s a reptile dysfunction. Get it?

Anyway, instead of all that cuteness of the Geiko Gecko, our guy will be more threatening. He’ll have a deep, bellowing voice and just say, “Iguana insure you!!!!!”

I’m telling you, nobody’s going to want to irritate this guy. Especially when they see Herb’s fingers dangling out of his mouth!

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Above: The Geiko Gecko

Below: A one-year-old water dragon poses in a chair during training by her owner in the outskirts of Bangkok September 10, 2009. REUTERS/Sukree Sukplang

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Listen up, folks, let’s show everybody why we’re the best ad agency around. Now, we’ve been hired by this religious movement out of Bulgaria.

They’ve been around awhile, but they’re not well known, so they want us to promote their name a bit. Sounds like an easy one.

So, it says here these guy are called the…

Uh-oh. They’re called the “White Brotherhood.” How unfortunate. It seems they wear white outfits and walk kinda like zombies.

Okay, let’s brainstorm it a bit, throw some ad slogans at the wall and see who salutes. Here’s what I’ve got:

• The White Brotherhood! Don’t confuse us with those dudes in prison!
• The White Brotherhood! We don’t plan to eat your brains!
• The White Brotherhood! We only get ONE wife!
• The White Brotherhood! Hey, at least we’re not Hari Krishna!
  

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Members of a religious movement, the White Brotherhood, perform a ritual dance near Babreka lake, south of Sofia, Bulgaria, August 19, 2009, as part of celebration of their New Year. Their teaching is a synthesis of Christianity and Hinduism with a heavy emphasis on brotherly love, healthy diet and living in harmony with nature. REUTERS/Stoyan Nenov

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Okay group, the Rome Tourist Board hired us to crisis manage this horrible PR problem in the middle of tourist season. Their security guards are having a job action at one of the most popular attractions, the Colosseum.

Getting those protesting guards to leave the Colosseum could turn very ugly, but we’ve come up with a plan.

We’ve contacted some zoos in the area, and they are going to rent us some lions. Then we’ll send the lions into the Colosseum for a “historical reenactment” of those 2,000 year-old events we all know about.

If it’s as popular as we hope, it could be a regular attraction.

Earl, how are you coming along with the ESPN negotiations? They’re gonna have to pay through the eyeballs to show this one live, let me tell you!

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Above: A security guard demonstrates on top of Rome’s Colosseum, August 15, 2009. REUTERS/ Alessia Pierdomenico

Below left: Lioness at al Maglio zoo in Magliaso, Switzerland, in 2007 file photo. REUTERS/ Remy Steinegger

Below right: Guards shout slogans from top of Colosseum. REUTERS/Alessia Pierdomenico

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For those of you who are always badgering me for female Democratic Secretary of State gossip, do I have some juicy stuff for you!

The photos down below, from a party in Nairobi last night, show Secretary of State Hillary Clinton really cutting loose on the dance floor while hubby Bill was having no fun in North Korea.

But here’s the thing. Note the Hillary photo captions are carefully marked, NOT FOR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS!

What’s that about? Washington insiders know it’s a slap at former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, who now runs The Secretary of State Dance Studio and is desperate for pix to show the chicks who hold that position being hip and with-it.

Since these pictures are off limits until Hillary decides to open HER OWN dance studio, that leaves Madeleine scrounging for those shots of former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice doing the twist, and we’re already tired of those!

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Above: U.S. Secretary of State Madeleine Albright participates in a traditional dance in front of children in a 2000 file photo. REUTERS/Carlos Linares

Okay, advertising team, we seem to be striking out with our new client, that guy who wants to make a big splash with camel milk products - camel milk coffee, chocolates, what have you.

As far as naming his chain of stores, we proposed Dromedary Queen, but he decided he liked Camel-Lot.

Then we needed a catch-word, to attract the kids. We offered HUMPERRIFIC! but he’s going with “CAMELICIOUS!”

So now there’s the matter of a slogan. Now that we’ve we’ve had a chance to sample all this stuff, we’re presenting him with our very best idea:

“Camel Milk Treats? You’d have to shoot me first!”

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Above: Miniature chocolate camels are displayed at Al Nassma’s Camelicious camel farm store in Dubai, July 29, 2009. REUTERS/ Vivien Henderson

Left: A coffee machine dispenses various frothy camel milk based “Camelicious” drinks. REUTERS/ Steve Crisp

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Blog Guy, I visited your Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop last week, and I had a great promotional idea for you!

Hit me.

Well, I know the museum already sponsors lots of tennis players, but what if you were also to sponsor some other sport? Like say a men’s softball team.

That is a good idea, but I think it should be a team that somehow represents what our museum is about.

Oh, I think I have just the right one in mind, Blog Guy.

Wonderful. Can I also put the museum’s slogan on their uniforms?

Sure. What is it?

Doughnuts: They’re not just for dinner anymore…

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New Zealand Black Sox perform a ceremonial Haka dance before playing against the Philippines during the ISF XII World Men’s Softball Championship in Saskatoon July 19, 2009. New Zealand won the game 8-1 after 5 innings. REUTERS/David Stobbe

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Okay marketing team, we need an image for our new candy product.

We want to use a man’s name. It turns out Russell Stover is already taken, so we’re gonna have to go with our second choice, Osama bin Laden.

Heck, let’s call him SUPER! Nothing says “yummy, tasty, milk coconut kulfa balls” like Super Osama bin Laden.

I want a photo of him with his mouth open, holding up a finger like he’s saying, “Kids, they’re kulfa-licious!”

Lonnie, we’ll need a marketing plan similar to the ones for our Gummy Hitlers and Satan Brittle.

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A man holds a box of Pakistan-made “Super Osama Bin Laden, Kulfa Balls” milk and coconut flavor hard candies bought at a bazaar in Kandahar city June 10, 2009.  REUTERS/ Jorge Silva

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