Well, Madison Avenue gets screwed again!

Below, you can see photos of music legend Phil Spector released by corrections officials, without any of his numerous wigs, as he begins a sentence of 19 years to life for the 2003 murder of an actress.

But WAIT! The caption warns that these photos can’t be used for advertising campaigns.

Just suck it up, all you ad agencies champing at the bit to feature a bald, 69-year-old murderer to sell your Dentine or Lucky Charms or whatever.

Sorry, that goes for you guys with the Hair Club for Men advertising account, too.

But here’s what I really like about these photos. As if Spector doesn’t have enough trouble, they add insult to injury by releasing mugshots that show he barely covers the five-foot mark on the wall. Gee thanks, guys!

Spector’s wigs

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Above: Music producer Phil Spector in the Los Angeles Superior Court, for his sentencing for the February 2003 shooting death of actress Lana Clarkson, May 29, 2009. REUTERS/Al Seib/Pool

Left: Shots of Spector, dated June 5, 2009 and released June 10, 2009. REUTERS/California Department of Corrections/Handout. FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

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Okay, everybody here at the ad agency is really pumped that Barack Obama agreed to be in our Canon camera advertisements, and I think the creative team has turned out some great copy to go with the photo:

“You’re only President for a few years, and they go by so quickly. That’s why more of us Presidents trust Canon to capture our cherished Presidential moments than any other camera.

“Face it. If I don’t record my presidency, then who will, so I never set foot on Air Force One without my Canon EOS.

“Yes, we Canon…”

Bravo! That’s great stuff, team. Now, how are we coming along with the Obama Wheaties commercials?

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President Barack Obama takes aim with a photographer’s camera backstage prior to remarks in Mesa, Arizona, in this handout photo taken February 18, 2009 and later released by the White House. REUTERS/Pete Souza/The White House/Handout

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Blog Guy, I see they gave out an Ibero-American Hall of Fame award recently.

Yes, it went to Juan Valdez.

You mean that huge oil tanker that sank?

No, that was the EXXON Valdez. This is JUAN Valdez, the face of the Colombian coffee business.

Is he even for real?

He’s fictional. According to Wikipedia there have now been THREE Juan Valdez guys - four, if you also count a New York radio announcer who did the voice for one of the other Juans in commercials.

The point is, as an image promoter Juan is great. Look, what did you have first thing this morning? Perhaps something Colombia is famous for?

Shhhhh! Yeah, maybe I did snort a little coke.

Sigh. No, Something ELSE from Colombia?

Oh, right! Coffee. Rich, dark, piquant, flavorful, pure Colombian coffee!

You see? Score one for the Hall of Famer!

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Carlos Castaneda, who acts as Colombia’s fictional coffee icon Juan Valdez in advertisements for Colombia’s National Federation of Coffee Growers, is awarded with the first Ibero-American Hall of Fame prize in Buenos Aires May 7, 2009. REUTERS/Enrique Marcarian

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Let’s face it, the human skeleton is a sexy thing. You take a bunch of bare bones, add a bikini, and you’ve got the makings of a beauty queen, right?

No, I don’t think so either, I just wanted to prepare readers for a controversy in Australia, where a contestant in the Miss Universe Australia pageant was 5′11″ tall but weighed only 108 pounds.

You can see Stephanie Naumoska on the left, compared with a human skull, believed to be the look she was going for.

Stephanie didn’t win the title - that went to a woman with actual flesh - but she got close enough to ignite a scandal. Our story mentions the “glittering” finals of the event, although in fairness Stephanie collapsed when a piece of the glitter actually landed on her, and couldn’t get up until it was lifted off.

The pageant director says Stephanie is of Macedonian heritage, thus accounting for her extreme thinness, but a nutritionist told an Australian newspaper there’s no such thing as a fricking Macedonian body type, and so the controversy continues.

Our handout from the pageant warns that Stephanie’s photo can’t be used for advertising. Call me crazy, but I don’t think they’re going to have a problem with that.

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Sydney model Stephanie Naumoska poses in a bikini in Sydney, April 21, 2009. REUTERS/ Miss Universe Australia/Handout FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

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Blog Guy, I know you follow the advertising business. I was wondering if successful ad campaigns in the States work well overseas, as well?

Not always. You know those insurance commercials where that obnoxious duck keeps saying “AFLAC!” until you want to wring its neck?

Duck? I thought that was a goose.

Really?  I’ll take a gander at Google…

A gander?  So anyway, what happened?

They tried shooting that commercial in Hungary, and the duck did his AFLAC! thing near a line of riot police.

And?

Turns out the cops weren’t discussing insurance. They were talking about dinner, and Hungarian cuisine relies heavily on ducks and geese. You do the math. 

Is any of this true?

No, but it’s like that saying, ”If:it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…then let’s roast it in sauerkraut and caraway seeds and eat it!”

No animals were harmed in doing this blog

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A goose is seen in front of a police line after being released by anti-government protesters during a rally in front of Budapest’s parliament building April 14, 2009. REUTERS/Laszlo Balogh

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Okay design gang, as you know, when the fashion industry is out of fresh ideas we recycle old ones. Like when we claimed we invented sandals, for instance.

So I asked you all for something we could reinvent and sell. The concept should be at least 2,000 years old, so nobody still has them hanging in their closet from the last time they were in style.

Herb, your idea of a fig leaf was unrealistic. Where the hell are we going to get fig leaves today?

Kelli, I personally liked your suggestion of fresh-killed animal skins, but we’d have those PETA animal rights people breathing down our back.

That’s why I’m for going with Melanie’s idea of loincloths.

We’ll spin a bunch of advertising crapola about “liberation” and “freedom,” and it will be the hottest thing going!

How does this sound? Let’s say we want women to have “emancipation” from the tightness of conventional underwear!

Sure, I know you can also be emancipated from tight underwear by losing weight or buying bigger sizes, but where’s the money in that?

Roll the video of the new loincloth line!

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Confidential memo to Acme Tobacco Research and Development Team:

I think you guys have really come up with something great with your new product, Jumborettes.

Who wants to light up one cancer stick after another when you can have the nicotine equivalent of an all-you-can-eat buffet?

Of course, our tests of the massive cigarettes in selected markets show we do have a few kinks to sort out:

• Consumers need a wheelbarrow to haul a pack home.
• Today’s carmakers are NOT in the mood to redesign dashboard lighters for these puppies.
• Office workers will have to stand outside for a single eight-hour cigarette break before heading home at quitting time.
• Some young teenagers aren’t strong enough to hold Jumborettes. Jumborette Juniors, anyone?

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Participants smoke tobacco during the longest tobacco rolling contest, in a week-long celebration of the Tobacco Festival in Candon city, north of Manila March 27, 2009. REUTERS/ Stringer

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Over in Italy, they found the remains of a female “vampire,” buried with a brick jammed between her jaws to prevent her from feeding on plague victims.

Right. Apparently scientists have discounted the more obvious explanation, that maybe she just had one of those high shrill voices that really irritated people.

Our story says gravediggers reopening mass graves would come across bodies bloated by gas, with hair still growing and blood seeping from their mouths, and believe them to be still alive.

This explains not only the origins of vampire myths, but also why “Mass Grave Reopener” is often listed pretty far down among career choices, just above proctologist.

Why am I mentioning this? To point out that the caption on the handout photo below says you can’t use it for advertising campaigns.

So too bad! You guys over at Acme Long-lasting Bricks are just out of luck. Same goes for you, Acme Primitive Dental Supply Co. Just live with it!

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Above: A model presents a creation at Albania Fashion Week in 2008 file photo. REUTERS/ Arben Celi

Below: Undated handout photo from University of Florence shows remains of a female “vampire” from 16th-century Venice. REUTERS/Handout NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

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Okay, listen up, staff. If we want to grab the Michelin advertising account, we need to go in a bold new direction.

The world is in turmoil. Nobody wants to see some jolly inflated bozo, waving like an idiot.

So, our creative team has come up with Lady Skidmarks, designed to petrify folks at the very thought of riding on any other brand of tires.

Those familiar rolls in her dress represent not only tires, but Dante’s circles of hell, as well. Pure genius, eh?

Next, please turn your attention to our cutting-edge concept for changing the Pillsbury Doughboy to the “Pillsbury Artery-Clogging Death-Muffin Man.”

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Michelin Man hot air balloon in 1997 file photo. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

Model presents a creation from Japanese designer Junya Watanabe’s Fall/Winter 2009/10 women’s collection during Paris Fashion Week, March 7, 2009. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

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Okay, so this organization in India plans to launch a new soft drink made from cow urine. I am not making this up.

Which of course means that right now there’s a marketing firm brainstorming ways to sell this stuff.

Shhhh, let’s listen in:

Okay, gang, I think we’re making some progress here. Judy, your idea to name it “Mellow Yellow” is a work of genius!

Earl, your ad campaign targeting “The Wizz Kid Generation” is brilliant!

Herb, I’m not positive your idea of selling it in actual urine sample bottles and bedpans is quite right, so let’s refine that.

Well done, team! Let’s go take a refreshing break. As Kristin’s slogan says so well, “There’s no time like tinkle-time!”

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People look at a fibreglass sculpture of a cow in central Madrid, January 16, 2009. REUTERS/Susana Vera

A worker of Bharatiya Janata Party displays an antiseptic aftershave made of cow urine in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/B Mathur

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