Blog Guy, I need Christmas gift shopping advice for my boyfriend. I want something really special. Help!

How about a new Beamer?

No, he already drives a Lexus and loves it.

Not a Bemer, a BEAMER! The hot new gadget this season is the Bikini Beamer 3000, which beams bikini-clad models right to his bachelor pad, in minutes.

LIVE women?

Sure. I think it would be pretty sick to beam in dead ones.

Gosh, I think my boyfriend would really like one of those. Bikini Beamer 3000, huh? Is it sold under any other name?

Well, since the photo caption says this model’s name is Virginia Labrador, I suppose it might also be called a…

No! Don’t go there, Blog Guy! Please!

A Labrador Retriever….

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Virginia Labrador as a contestant in the Miss Sevilla pageant, poses during a presentation in the Andalusian capital of Seville, Spain, November 17, 2009. REUTERS/Marcelo del Pozo

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Blog Guy, you’re known for your great career advice. I think I’d like something in the military - my girlfriend says I look GREAT in uniform!

Well, there’s plenty of military available these days.

Here’s the catch. I don’t fwant to be in any danger. Can you tell me the very, very, very safest military branch to join? It doesn’t have to be in the U.S.

Sure, that would be the Bolivian Navy.

Interesting. And why is that so safe?

Bolivia is a land-locked country. It does share Lake Titicaca with Peru, but when is the last time you read a reference to the bloody “Battle of Titicaca?”

Heh-heh-heh… Titicaca is a funny word….

Uh, yeah. Here’s a photo of Bolivian sailors. I’m sending you an enlistment form.

Hey, that’s real nice lighting on that photo!

Thanks, I’ll pass that along!

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Sailors from the Bolivian navy wait in a biometric registry center of the Bolivian electoral court, as part of the process to register themselves as voters, in Bolivia, September 18, 2009. REUTERS/ David Mercado

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Blog Guy, I’m about to leave on my dream trip to China, to see the famous terracotta warriors. Any advice?

Stop! Don’t go in September, that’s vacation month for all those guys. The statue places will all be closed!

Excuse me, Blog Guy? Vacation month? They’re fricking clay STATUES!

Please, you can’t be that naive. All those statues you see around China are just guys with makeup. On the right you can see an artist painting one of the “statues.”

Now hold on. You’re saying that whole terracotta army is just a bunch of guys who get painted and then stand still all day?

It’s not like it’s the same boring thing all the time. They also paint some of the statues to look like real people, like these ones done up to look like the Clintons.

If you slip them a few bucks they’ll paint one to look just like you - it’s a great travel souvenir.

Vanishing artist video report

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Above and top left: Artist Liu Bolin, also known as the ‘Vanishing Artist’, is painted by an assistant as he makes himself look exactly the same as the wall of an old temple in a Hutong in central Beijing, August 26, 2009. REUTERS/David Gray

Lower left: U.S. President Bill Clinton poses with his daughter Chelsea and first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton as they tour the terracotta warriors in China in a 1998 file photo. REUTERS/Gary Hershorn

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Blog Guy, you’ve given lots of career pointers, especially warning people about jobs to stay away from. If I’m not mistaken, your advice is free?

Yes, my advice is totally gratuitous.

That’s just how it  seems to your readers. Any new jobs to avoid?

Yeah. This one in the photo.

I see what you mean!  He’s jumping from a helicopter into the water!

You don’t understand. That’s the easy part. He’s called a “mine diver.” After jumping from the chopper he looks for mines and attaches explosives to them, meaning there isn’t one single aspect of this job that appeals to me.

Pay attention, recent grads. Any job title that includes the words “underwater mine,” “diver,” “explosive” or “German Navy” means you’re better off unemployed.

Thanks. I just graduated with an Art History major.

Ah. Then you should go for this mine diver thing, if it offers dental.

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Above: German Navy mine diver jumps into water from helicopter during media exercise of the underwater diving branch of the German Navy, in the Baltic Sea off the coast of Eckernfoerde, Germany, July 1, 2009.

Right: A mine diver attaches an explosive charge dummy on a sea mine during the exercise.

REUTERS photos by Morris Mac Matzen

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It’s me, Blog Guy, that aspiring photojournalist. I think it’s time I try some tougher shots. You know, the ones that only the pros can do. Like say you have some world leaders together and you want to show action?

Sure. The great shooters will do this by showing them buttoning their jackets. If you can get two of them to do it simultaneously, that’s solid gold.

Awesome! Is there lanything better than a double?

Well, there is… oh, never mind, it won’t happen again in your lifetime.

No! Tell me what it is! I can handle it!

Look, in theory there’s the trifecta - three jacket buttonings at once -  but that’s a shot we only dreamed of, until it really happened yesterday. We’ll be talking about it for years and years to come, so save a copy for your grandchildren.

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Above: President George W. Bush and Indonesian President President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono button jackets in 2007 file photo. REUTERS/ Jason Reed

Below: Britain’s Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Canada’s Prime Minister Stephen Harper and France’s President Nicolas Sarkozy at a D-Day commemoration at the U.S. military cemetery in Colleville-sur-Mer, France, June 6, 2009. REUTERS/ Chris Helgren

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Blog Guy, I could use some travel advice. I’m going to Israel tomorrow, and I need to know what clothes to pack. I want to blend in, and not take a lot of stuff I won’t wear.

Four words for you. Fruit of the Loom.

Huh?

I checked the last few photos we have showing people in Israel, and it seems all they wear this time of year is underwear.

Gosh, I had the impression they were a little more modest than that.

You’d be pretty embarrassed, showing up with all kinds of shirts and pants, only to find everybody else nearly naked.

I can’t thank you enough! I’m done packing, and I’ve got nothing but a carry-on with all my undies. I’m ready for the Holy Land! Oops, I almost forgot! I should keep out one pair of briefs for the flight over, huh? Boy, Israeli customs must be a breeze!

Yeah, that’s what people say. Send me a postcard.

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Israelis wearing underwear wait for a photo shoot organized by the underwear maker Sloggi in Tel Aviv’s Dizengoff Square, May 27, 2009. REUTERS/ Baz Ratner

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Blog Guy, my mom is turning 60 next month. My sisters and I want to give her something really special. Any ideas?

Sure. Do what many families are doing these days. Have Mom tattooed.

You mean a cute little tattoo just to show she’s still hip? Like on her back?

No, like all over. Look at this lady. She’s over 70 and Guinness says she’s the most senior tattooed woman in the world.

What the hell does that mean? What happens to all the other chicks with tattoos when they turn 70?

I guess we’re not supposed to ask.

I don’t know about this. What does this full-body tattoo thing cost?

That depends on how many guys you have to hire to hold her down.

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Isobel Varley, of Britain, poses during ‘II Expotatoo’ tattoo fair in Gijon, Spain, May 15, 2009. Varley is the most senior tattooed woman in the world according to The Guinness Records Book. REUTERS/Eloy Alonso

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Blog Guy, can you tell me some stuff about high wire?

You mean the 50th state, home to President Obama?

That is the worst pun I’ve ever read. I’m talking HIGH WIRE, like in the circus.

Well, I know that just PLAIN tightrope walking is for sissy weenies these days. These photos show guys competing in a high wire SPEED RACE.

Awesome! So that high wire speed racing is the new macho thing?

It is if you don’t think you can cut it in the MAIN event, Speed Racing Blindfolded on a Flaming Gas-Soaked Tightrope in a Lightning Storm Amid 2,500 Dive-Bombing Rabid Bats.

I see. Hey, what’s that thing left behind on the wire by the guy who dropped his bar?

I’m not sure. It could be some kind of adult diaper.

That’s what I was afraid of.

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Alfred Nock Jr. of Switzerland helps Ya Kefujiang Maimitili of China after Ya dropped his bar in the speed race of the 2009 Hangang High Wire World Championship in Seoul, May 10, 2009. REUTERS photos by Jo Yong-Hak

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Blog Guy, you write a lot about military careers, and I could use some advice. I want to be able to wear a whole bunch of medals, to impress the chicks.

So you’re saying you want to see lots of combat and earn medals of honor and valor and purple hearts and stuff?

I don’t wanna see combat at all. I just want a butt-load of medals.

Ah, then move to Britain and serve there. Look at this photo. Prince Charles did five years in their military, and look at the medals and braid and geegaws he has.

Yes! That’s what I’m talking about! What did he have to do for those?

It says here he learned to fly a bunch of stuff, like a Chipmunk and a Nimrod…

I’m supposed to attract chicks by saying, “Wanna go up in my Nimrod, baby?”

There’s more. He’s also qualified on the Spitfire.

That’s a WWII plane. They stopped making ‘em 60 years ago! “Hey, cutie! Wanna come with me to get some Nazis?” I’m not Snoopy, for Lord’s sake!

Hey! You want trinkets all over your uniform, you need to fly some silly planes. I don’t make the rules.

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Britain’s Prince Charles and his wife leave after attending a Service of Thanksgiving to commemorate the 100th anniversary of Naval aviation, at St Paul’s Cathedral in London May 8, 2009. REUTERS/ Stefan Wermuth

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Blog Guy, for a school assignment I have to write about a good deed done by a blog. I know your blog aims to improve the human condition. What have you done lately?

I’m glad you asked. Recently I published an item about Britain’s prime minister having to wait outside to greet guests, because he couldn’t see them coming. I suggested a good old-fashioned screen door, so he could watch from his living room.

He must read my blog, because voila, they now have a blue net at 10 Downing Street. It’s not quite as attractive as aluminum, but it does the job.

Thanks! So those British people really didn’t know about screen doors until your blog?

Well, it’s a known historical fact that a chief reason we won the American Revolution was our screen doors. British troops, not familiar with the concept, would just stupidly march up the sidewalk, unaware that every move was being watched.

Amazing! Good old yankee ingenuity won the day, huh?

Yes, and don’t even get me started on how many British troops were tricked by our automatic garage door openers.

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A policeman stands next to 10 Downing Street in London, April 20, 2009. Sports personalities went to Downing Street for the launch of a malaria initiative, and a blue malaria net covered the front door for the occasion. REUTERS/ Stefan Wermuth

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