Blog Guy, for a school assignment I have to write about a good deed done by a blog. I know your blog aims to improve the human condition. What have you done lately?

I’m glad you asked. Recently I published an item about Britain’s prime minister having to wait outside to greet guests, because he couldn’t see them coming. I suggested a good old-fashioned screen door, so he could watch from his living room.

He must read my blog, because voila, they now have a blue net at 10 Downing Street. It’s not quite as attractive as aluminum, but it does the job.

Thanks! So those British people really didn’t know about screen doors until your blog?

Well, it’s a known historical fact that a chief reason we won the American Revolution was our screen doors. British troops, not familiar with the concept, would just stupidly march up the sidewalk, unaware that every move was being watched.

Amazing! Good old yankee ingenuity won the day, huh?

Yes, and don’t even get me started on how many British troops were tricked by our automatic garage door openers.

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A policeman stands next to 10 Downing Street in London, April 20, 2009. Sports personalities went to Downing Street for the launch of a malaria initiative, and a blue malaria net covered the front door for the occasion. REUTERS/ Stefan Wermuth

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I’m not going to prolong it. The Worst Job in the World title came down to a number of factors - danger, grossness, fecalocitude, etc.

In the end, I had to choose the worst job I happen to have a photo of, and that brings us to the exciting field of elephant proctology.

Astoundingly, one person guessed it right in a comment on my Oddly Enough Facebook blog wall. They left no name, which I guess means they’re currently wanted by the law for something or other.

For those of you wondering what the doctor is saying here:

• “Damn Verizon! I’m getting no reception in here at all!”
• “Feels like he had egg salad and guacamole for dinner.”
• “Bring me the tree trimmers! He’s got hemorrhoids the size of a schnauzer!”
• “I found my lunchbox, Lonnie! Is it noon yet?”
  

Here is the job in real life, so you college grads looking at glossy brochures, pay attention! Got a degree in creative writing? The interview line starts you-know-where.

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A doctor cleans the rectum of Jamilah, a 29-year-old female elephant, before conducting a four-dimensional ultrasound exam, in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Tim Chong

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Blog Guy, my daughter hasn’t decided on a career. You give great job advice, and you’ve even named the worst job in the world. Could you remind me what that was?

Oh, I’ve written about so many bad careers. There’s crocodile dentistry, being a crew member aboard a homemade submarine, being a trolleybus driver’s assistant.

Yeah, yeah, those are all very bad, but I know you’ve had worse.

I’ve mentioned lots of jobs in the exciting field of fireworks. Firecracker tester, fireworks hauler, firecracker victim, confiscated fireworks gasoline soaker and burner.

Hey, those fireworks jobs sound pretty sweet!

Wow. Do you live in Texas?  What about bad jobs in the military? Like the dude who looks down rifle barrels to see if anything seems wrong.

No, worse than that.

The Osama bin Laden look-alike who patrols a slum with a toy rifle? The Semen-collecting fake cow driver? The women in skimpy outfits who have to sit right in the barf-path of Wing Bowl competitors and stare longingly at their greasy mouths?

That would a horrible fate for my Zoe Belle, but I know you have worse.

Look lady, I know what you want, but don’t make me use that photo. Please.

I’m writing to your editor. You’ll show the photo before this week is over!

I want guesses from readers. Go wild, because this photo has never been used here.

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Above: Fernando Aguirre, locally known as Osama Bin Laden, patrols Bogota slum, in 2008 photo. REUTERS/ Daniel Munoz

Below: Wing Bowl champion John “Super Squibb” Squibb wins the chicken wing eating contest in Philadelphia, January 30, 2009. REUTERS/Tim Shaffer

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Blog Guy, it’s me again. The guy you’re tutoring to be a photojournalist. Recently you told me about shooting auto shows, and how all people want to see are the chick models. But I presume motorcycle shows are different - surely readers want to see new motorcycles?

Yeah, and surely Bernie Madoff is looking forward to meeting his new roommate, too.

Cripes, kid. No matter what somebody is trying to sell, you want to get the female models instead, because that’s real news. If you have to include a muffler or wheel, sometimes that can’t be helped.

And here’s another tip. Compare the combo below, from the Tokyo Motorcycle Show today, with the photo on the right, from a 2008 show. If you can get the model ON the motorcycle, you’re on your way to a Pulitzer Prize!

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Model poses on a motorcycle at the Autocar Performance Show in Mumbai, November 13, 2008. REUTERS/Arko Datta

Models pose with motorcycles at Tokyo Motorcycle Show 2009, in Tokyo, March 27, 2009. REUTERS/Toru Hanai

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Today we have a video clip of a sword swallower who says - now prepare to be stunned - it’s a dangerous thing to do.

No way! Who the heck would have figured that giving yourself a colonoscopy with 30 inches of cold steel could be dangerous?

This guy even goes so far as to say sword swallowing is a “dying art,” which is kind of a masterpiece of irony. You have to listen carefully to understand him, because I believe he’s missing a tongue.

He also tells us that what he loves about it is watching the audience reaction. I’m guessing it’s good to remember not to take a bow in the middle of the act, though.

The reason I’m mentioning this is that I get a lot of questions from recent college grads asking about careers in this particular area of show biz, and my advice is always the same:

If you majored in creative writing or film studies, go for it. Otherwise, you can probably do better.

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I’m always amazed at the number of queries I get about careers in the exciting field of rattlesnakes.

Guys, having the word rattlesnake on your business card is a chick-magnet, trust me. But not all of those jobs are as glamorous as you might think.

Now, you take this photo, of a dude shining a flashlight into a snake den after pumping gas to it. Gas-Pumping Flashlight-Shiner is a bad job. It’s pretty far down the ladder, right under being the rattlesnake itself.

That brings me to you gals thinking of being a Live Rattlesnake Necklace Model. My advice, if you model snakes, the word DEAD should be in there, like Dead Rattlesnake Belt Model or something.

What snake job DO I recommend? I loved being the Rattlesnake Jokester, who carries an old rattle and shakes it right behind the Flashlight-Shiners. You should just SEE the expression on their faces as they run for the porta-jon!

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Above: A snake hunter shines a flashlight into a rattlesnake den after pumping gasoline into it as men with tongs wait to catch the snakes during a guided snake hunt at the World’s Biggest Rattlesnake Round-up, in Sweetwater, Texas, March 14, 2009.

Below: Sweetwater Jaycee drapes a snake around a woman’s neck as she poses for a picture at the Rattlesnake Round-up.

REUTERS photos by Jessica Rinaldi

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Blog Guy, you give great travel advice, and I need some. I just bought tickets on a budget Tibetan airline. They were very cheap, and now I’m wondering what to expect in the way of quality.

I guess it depends on how picky you are.

Um, why do you ask?

That airline doesn’t really own any planes. They use a more theoretical method of travel in which passengers get on a very fast horse, which gallops at breathtaking speed toward a mountain precipice. When it gets there, the horse stops suddenly.

And what happens to the passengers?

If you really don’t know, then rent some Looney Toons cartoons. I recommend Daffy Duck in “Himalaya Shmimalaya!”

So does this method of air travel actually work?

Yes. Briefly.

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Above: Tibetans ride their horses during a stunt performance to celebrate a traditional Tibetan New Year in Lhasa, Tibet Autonomous Region February 27, 2009. REUTERS/China Daily

Below: Participant in a Tibetan horse racing festival in Shangri-La, Yunnan province, China, in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/John Ruwitch

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Blog Guy, I really need some fashion advice! I’ve been dating a sailor for oh, 70 years or so, and I need help keeping him interested.

How about taking cooking classes?

No, he has very simple dietary tastes. I’m afraid I’ll have to do it with a “new look.”

Okay. Judging from your hair and figure, I’d suggest some of these creations from Fashion Week in Madrid.

Thank you! They’re great! How do you think I look?

Um, well… Have you thought of dating somebody else?

Sure, there’s always Bluto.

That dog from the Disney cartoons? Okay, go for it.

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Models present creations by Juanjo Oliva during the Pasarela Cibeles Autumn/Winter 09-10 Fashion Week in Madrid, February 23, 2009. REUTERS/ Andrea Comas

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Blog Guy, I really need social advice. I’ve been invited to what looks like a glitzy party, but the invite says BYOF. Is that like RSVP?

Cripes, you really DO need help! BYOF stands for Bring Your Own Falcon.

Falcon? You mean like the Ford car? I haven’t seen one of those for 30 years!

Calm down. No, I mean like the bird. Sits on your arm with a creepy little hood on.

What’s the point of bringing one of those to a party?

There will be professional buyers there, looking for the best-looking falcons.

Really? What are those buyers called?

Talon Scouts.

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Above: Zheng Jie of China attends a party during the WTA Dubai Tennis Championships on February 17, 2009.

Below left: Ana Ivanovic of Serbia.

Below right: Venus Williams of the U.S.

Photos REUTERS/ Handout/ Barclays Dubai

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Blog Guy, I’m ready! I’ve been studying all of your tips for aspiring photojournalists, and here is my portfolio for your critique. What do you think?

Bravo! Perfect, both of them!

Oh, come on, I need a LITTLE criticism. Surely there’s SOMETHING!

Okay. On the shot of the soccer team captain… Does he actually have a mouth?

I think so. Should that have been in the picture?

Well, very strictly speaking, some folks consider that to be part of the face.

Damn! I should have caught that! Is there anything wrong with my Hollywood-style celeb shot?

Oh, there are probably some old fuddy-duddies who think the subjects should face the camera.

Now I’m totally demoralized! So these shots would never make the Reuters file?

Hey, I didn’t say that!

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Above: England’s national soccer team captain John Terry at news conference in Seville, Spain, February 10. REUTERS/Marcelo Del Pozo

Below: Actors Woody Harrelson (L) Ben Foster (R) and director Oren Moverman pose at Berlin photocall, February 9, 2009. REUTERS/Tobias Schwarz

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