Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Join the army, and pamper yourself!

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Now, if you just sign on the dotted line, son, it’ll be official. You’ll be a private in the U.S. Army.

I don’t know sir, I’m still not sure about this.

Look, I’m a professional recruiter, so I have to be totally honest with you. What’s holding you back, young man?

Well, I’ve seen a lot of movies about the soldier’s life, living in damp tents or slummy barracks…

Why didn’t you say so? Just look at this picture of a new recruit in his own room at basic training. These are the new barracks.

When superstars shoot on location…

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I can’t believe they have the nerve to call this dump a supermarket!

But Ms. Jolie, this isn’t America. Things are different over here.

Really? Things are SO different that I can’t even buy Budweiser or Velveeta for Brad? What the hell are we supposed to live on?

Well, maybe you and Mr. Pitt could try some other kind of processed cheese product while you’re working here, Ms. Jolie….

Space alien plot to deny news to shoppers?

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tabloid jennifer 490

National Enquirer publisher files for bankruptcy

Boy, I did not see this one coming.

enquirer cover 280Who would have guessed you could lose, selling  stories like “Angelina, Jennifer Catfight at Arby’s,” “The Chocolate Mousse Diet,”  and “Homeless Oprah Lives in Packard” to a captive audience in supermarket checkout lines?

Sure, there were signs the tabloids were heading in an odd direction when some of their scoops started having some truth in them. I’m talking about you, John Edwards and Tiger Woods.

Angelina and the Used Car Dealer?

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What the hell is going on with this Angelina Jolie movie, Lamar?

Boss, that’s the one where she’s the director. It’s her first time…

jolie and pit top this 490

I know that, you simpleton! But you’re supposed to be keeping an eye on her, and I’m getting no info on…what’s the movie called again?

Holy moly! Nonstop Jolie!

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jolie combo 490

Blog Guy, you often write about Angelina Jolie. Has her new movie had its premiere yet?

Well, I can only speak for Berlin, Paris, London, Moscow, Seoul, Tokyo and Hollywood. I know it has premiered there because we moved photos of her at each place.

And the next Angelina Jolie is…

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USA/

Blog Guy, I read your item on Angelina Jolie this week, and it made me wonder who the next “perfect” woman will be.

JAPAN/If you look at Angelina’s sensuous, supple lips, big eyes, mannish hands, and that smile that says, “I could kill you with a pencil,” and put them all together, who do we have?

A Farewell to Arms?

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JAPAN/

Quick quiz: This sinewy, tattooed arm and enormous hand belong to…

angelina arm this 220a) The 2009 national arm-wrestling champion

b) Popeye

c) Julius Caesar’s personal calendar slave

d) Actress Angelina Jolie

Your time’s up. It’s Angelina Jolie’s actual arm.

No, Blog Guy! What are you saying! Angelina is every guy’s dream woman!

She’s the ideal! She’s perfect! She’s what actress Melanie Griffith used to be!

Oh, that reminds me, here’s Melanie’s arm, below on the right.

This is just horrible! My world is upside down. Nothing makes sense anymore!

melanie arm 240 thisSo you’re saying you wouldn’t want to go out on a date with Angelina?

Honey, how do you spell RSVP?

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Blog Guy, I’m hosting a super-glitzy dinner party and I’m hoping you can come. The guest list includes Barack and Michelle Obama, Nelson Mandela, Angelina Jolie, Tina Fey, Bob Dylan, Pope Benedict, J.D. Salinger…

Can I sit next to Tina?

Sure, I guess. So you’ll be there? Great! It’s tonight at 8 p.m.

Are you INSANE? Tonight is the two-hour season premiere of House! Like I’m gonna be anyplace other than right in front of my TV at 8 p.m., with a very dry martini and a big bucket of fried chicken!

Is statue under that umbrella?

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Hey Blog Guy, it’s ME again! I’m the dude with the photo collection of really rich people eating ice cream. You helped me out last year with a shot of Warren Buffet.

I do remember. How’s that coming along?

Not too well. It turns out that theme is kind of limiting, so I’ve started a new collection, of Oscar-nominated actresses under umbrellas.

Accepting Brad Pitt’s award is Zippy!

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Blog Guy, I’m really pumped for the Oscars – I love all the glamour and razzle-dazzle. Don’t the Brits have something like that, too? I’d love to see it.

They have BAFTA. You’d hate it. It’s not nearly as glitzy.

Really? How is it different?

The actors and actresses don’t really show up. They just send pictures, which are placed around the Royal Opera House to look like an audience.