Oddly Enough Blog

Join the army, and pamper yourself!

Now, if you just sign on the dotted line, son, it’ll be official. You’ll be a private in the U.S. Army.

I don’t know sir, I’m still not sure about this.

Look, I’m a professional recruiter, so I have to be totally honest with you. What’s holding you back, young man?

Well, I’ve seen a lot of movies about the soldier’s life, living in damp tents or slummy barracks…

Why didn’t you say so? Just look at this picture of a new recruit in his own room at basic training. These are the new barracks.

Wow, that’s a whole lot nicer than my room at home! What about the food?

When superstars shoot on location…

I can’t believe they have the nerve to call this dump a supermarket!

But Ms. Jolie, this isn’t America. Things are different over here.

Really? Things are SO different that I can’t even buy Budweiser or Velveeta for Brad? What the hell are we supposed to live on?

Well, maybe you and Mr. Pitt could try some other kind of processed cheese product while you’re working here, Ms. Jolie….

Right, like THAT’S gonna happen! They wouldn’t even take my newspaper coupons here, either.

You cut those out of the Schenectady Gazette, Ms. Jolie. They’re not going to take them over here.

Space alien plot to deny news to shoppers?

National Enquirer publisher files for bankruptcy

Boy, I did not see this one coming.

Who would have guessed you could lose, selling  stories like “Angelina, Jennifer Catfight at Arby’s,” “The Chocolate Mousse Diet,”  and “Homeless Oprah Lives in Packard” to a captive audience in supermarket checkout lines?

Sure, there were signs the tabloids were heading in an odd direction when some of their scoops started having some truth in them. I’m talking about you, John Edwards and Tiger Woods.

Plus, the fortunes of news tabloids took a slide when groceries expanded express lines and self-checkout terminals, giving customers less time to become well-informed citizens.

But there’s more to it than that. For a glimpse of what powerful force could unite to bring down the tabloids, take a look at this purported alleged transcript from a super-secret meeting held a couple of months ago at a Holiday Inn near Dayton:

Angelina and the Used Car Dealer?

What the hell is going on with this Angelina Jolie movie, Lamar?

Boss, that’s the one where she’s the director. It’s her first time…

I know that, you simpleton! But you’re supposed to be keeping an eye on her, and I’m getting no info on…what’s the movie called again?

There’s no title, Boss. We just keep referring to it as her “as yet untitled directorial debut…”

Cripes! What’s it about?

A Serbian man and Bosnian woman who meet on the eve of the Bosnian war, Boss…

Holy moly! Nonstop Jolie!

Blog Guy, you often write about Angelina Jolie. Has her new movie had its premiere yet?

Well, I can only speak for Berlin, Paris, London, Moscow, Seoul, Tokyo and Hollywood. I know it has premiered there because we moved photos of her at each place.

SEVEN cities? That’s very generous of Reuters, free publicity-wise. How does that compare with your coverage of the endless Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz odyssey recently to promote their new move?

So far, Jolie is one city ahead of them.

And why is it newsworthy every time she shows up in a different city to plug the same movie?

You don’t understand journalism. We never know if she might announce a new policy on global warming or the economy or the New York City mosque.

And the next Angelina Jolie is…

Blog Guy, I read your item on Angelina Jolie this week, and it made me wonder who the next “perfect” woman will be.

If you look at Angelina’s sensuous, supple lips, big eyes, mannish hands, and that smile that says, “I could kill you with a pencil,” and put them all together, who do we have?

Good question. Only one other actress has all that.

You mean?

Yes, it’s Mrs. Potato Head’s moment to shine. She is one hot potato!

A Farewell to Arms?

Quick quiz: This sinewy, tattooed arm and enormous hand belong to…

a) The 2009 national arm-wrestling champion

b) Popeye

c) Julius Caesar’s personal calendar slave

d) Actress Angelina Jolie

Your time’s up. It’s Angelina Jolie’s actual arm.

Honey, how do you spell RSVP?

Blog Guy, I’m hosting a super-glitzy dinner party and I’m hoping you can come. The guest list includes Barack and Michelle Obama, Nelson Mandela, Angelina Jolie, Tina Fey, Bob Dylan, Pope Benedict, J.D. Salinger…

Can I sit next to Tina?

Sure, I guess. So you’ll be there? Great! It’s tonight at 8 p.m.

Are you INSANE? Tonight is the two-hour season premiere of House! Like I’m gonna be anyplace other than right in front of my TV at 8 p.m., with a very dry martini and a big bucket of fried chicken!

Let’s be reasonable, Blog Guy. What if I promise to put a big-screen television in my dining room so you can watch the whole thing while you eat?

No thanks, I’ve watched TV with the pope before. He talks all the time….

Is statue under that umbrella?

Hey Blog Guy, it’s ME again! I’m the dude with the photo collection of really rich people eating ice cream. You helped me out last year with a shot of Warren Buffet.

I do remember. How’s that coming along?

Not too well. It turns out that theme is kind of limiting, so I’ve started a new collection, of Oscar-nominated actresses under umbrellas.

Yeah, that definitely makes more sense.

But I don’t have any photos in my new collection, and I thought…

Sigh. Okay, here are some of the nominees for tonight’s awards, to get you started.

Accepting Brad Pitt’s award is Zippy!

Blog Guy, I’m really pumped for the Oscars – I love all the glamour and razzle-dazzle. Don’t the Brits have something like that, too? I’d love to see it.

They have BAFTA. You’d hate it. It’s not nearly as glitzy.

Really? How is it different?

The actors and actresses don’t really show up. They just send pictures, which are placed around the Royal Opera House to look like an audience.

I don’t believe that!

See for yourself. Here are Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and Kate Winslet enjoying themselves at the event.