Blog Guy, I’m hosting a super-glitzy dinner party and I’m hoping you can come. The guest list includes Barack and Michelle Obama, Nelson Mandela, Angelina Jolie, Tina Fey, Bob Dylan, Pope Benedict, J.D. Salinger…

Can I sit next to Tina?

Sure, I guess. So you’ll be there? Great! It’s tonight at 8 p.m.

Are you INSANE? Tonight is the two-hour season premiere of House! Like I’m gonna be anyplace other than right in front of my TV at 8 p.m., with a very dry martini and a big bucket of fried chicken!

Let’s be reasonable, Blog Guy. What if I promise to put a big-screen television in my dining room so you can watch the whole thing while you eat?

No thanks, I’ve watched TV with the pope before. He talks all the time….

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Famous people, REUTERS photos…

Right: The stars of the television series “House” cut a cake at the 100th episode celebration in Los Angeles, November 3, 2008. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

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Hey Blog Guy, it’s ME again! I’m the dude with the photo collection of really rich people eating ice cream. You helped me out last year with a shot of Warren Buffet.

I do remember. How’s that coming along?

Not too well. It turns out that theme is kind of limiting, so I’ve started a new collection, of Oscar-nominated actresses under umbrellas.

Yeah, that definitely makes more sense.

But I don’t have any photos in my new collection, and I thought…

Sigh. Okay, here are some of the nominees for tonight’s awards, to get you started.

Thank you! You’re the greatest! Um, do you happen to have any of Oscar-nominated actresses eating ice cream under umbrellas?

Once again, I am SO happy my home address doesn’t appear on this blog.

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Brad Pitt holds umbrella for Angelina Jolie at the Cannes Film Festival in 2008. REUTERS/Fred Dufour/Pool

Kate Winslet arrives for 2009 BAFTA awards ceremony in London February 8, 2009.
REUTERS/ Luke MacGregor

Meryl Streep arrives for the BAFTA ceremony. REUTERS/Stephen Hird

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Blog Guy, I’m really pumped for the Oscars - I love all the glamour and razzle-dazzle. Don’t the Brits have something like that, too? I’d love to see it.

They have BAFTA. You’d hate it. It’s not nearly as glitzy.

Really? How is it different?

The actors and actresses don’t really show up. They just send pictures, which are placed around the Royal Opera House to look like an audience.

I don’t believe that!

See for yourself. Here are Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and Kate Winslet enjoying themselves at the event.

That’s just lame. What happens if Brad Pitt wins an award?

A trained chimp takes his poster up to the podium and waves it around.

But don’t they at least have presenters?

Sure, if you count sock puppets.

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Place markers are arranged during preparations for the BAFTA (British Academy of Film and Television Arts) awards ceremony at the Royal Opera House in London February 7, 2009.
REUTERS/ Luke MacGregor

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It’s time for this blog’s top five Most Popular Posts for January, measured by reader traffic. So look at the results, and collect your bets.

I should point out that there’s nothing here about the Super Bowl or Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt, but I’m not above mentioning those things to attract readers. Here they are, and good luck to all.

5. Who’s messing with Obama’s mind?

4. My gold lamé macramé résumé!

3. “Official” Barack Obama doughnuts!

2. And the worst driver on Earth is…

1. From hightops to flipflops in seconds

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Aactors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in Tokyo, January 29, 2009. REUTERS/Toru Hanai

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Quick quiz: You’re superstar Brad Pitt. Let’s say you are going to have an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction in the vicinity of your trouser fly. When would you want it to happen?

a) Right when you’re breaking up with Gwenyth Paltrow

b) Right when you’re breaking up with Jennifer Aniston

c) Right when you’re breaking up with Angelina Jolie

d) While you are posing for 620,000 press photographers to promote an Oscar-nominated movie.

I’m guessing his answer wouldn’t be d), but that’s what happened.

Thankfully, he came prepared with a long scarf - maybe this happens to him a lot.

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U.S. actor Brad Pitt poses for photographers during a photocall for the film “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” in Paris January 22, 2009. REUTERS/Gonzalo Fuentes

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Blog Guy, I heard about some awesome new software that automatically makes you look better in photos than you do in real life!

Yeah, I know all about it. It was developed by computer scientists, and it works! The software applies a formula to turn original shot of this woman, on the left, into the more attractive version on the right.

Of course my blog team put it to the test in our lab, with impressive results.

Look at these original photos of Nick Nolte, Teri Hatcher and Angelina Jolie, compared with their “improved” versions on the right. This amazing software even puts them in better clothes, and added sunglasses for Nolte. How does it know?

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Above: Two pictures of a woman’s face, one modified (R) and one unmodified, are seen on a computer monitor in Jerusalem, November 18, 2008. REUTERS/Baz Ratner

Below:Combo of REUTERS photos and police booking photo handout of Nolte.

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Blog Guy, I’m the one who asked a lot about Angelina Jolie and her twins at the hospital in Nice recently. You can’t ignore me, because you’ve sworn the Bloggers’ Oath.

What do you want this time?

If people send gifts to Angelina and Brad and the twins, who delivers them? Are those French postal workers attractive? What should the packages look like?

Yeah, I guess the postal workers are pretty nice in Nice. After all, they’re French. And the packages should be very big, so they can be easily photographed by the media.

Hmm. Okay, now about the store where Angelina buys her diapers…

That’s it! I hereby renounce the Bloggers’ Oath!

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A postal worker is followed by media as she brings presents for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s twins at the Nice Lenval hospital in Nice, France, July 19, 2008. REUTERS/Chris Serrano

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Blog Guy, my friends and I don’t think there has been enough coverage of the whole Angelina Jolie twins thing, over in Nice. That’s in France, you know. Can you answer some questions for us?

I’ll sure get what I can for you from our recent photo file.

Great. What kind of hat does Brad Pitt wear?

Um, it’s a white one, I guess maybe you’d call it a fedora? Here’s a photo of it on his head.

That settles that. And this hospital where she gave birth. Who’s in charge there?

A director. You can see him here in the middle photo.

Fascinating! And this hospital, does it have a parking garage entrance?

Yep. Picture on the right.

Thanks, you’re doing great. Now this hospital director, does he have a niece?

I get it. A niece in Nice? I don’t think you really need to know that, so I’m not running her picture.

Slideshow of even less important Jolie stuff

REUTERS photos by Chris Serrano

It’s time again for that annual event reminding all of us that some people have way, way too much money. 

Of course I’m talking about the unveiling of this year’s ”Neiman Marcus Christmas Book,”  that holiday catalog that gives journalists a chance to gush over gifts they can’t afford, for readers who can’t afford them either, while a department store gets free publicity beyond belief. 

Anyway, I haven’t seen this year’s catalog, but I’m going to take a wild guess.  You can buy immortality (one billion dollars), a toilet made entirely of  diamonds (one billion dollars), or a dinner date with Angelina Jolie (one billion dollars).
                                                                 

 From the 2004 “Neiman Marcus Christmas Book.” Suit of armor for $20,000. REUTERS/Jeff Mitchell 

Dear Blog Guy,
If there are aliens from space spying on us, do you think they fully understand everything we do?
Really Curious

Well, Curious, I know for certain they don’t understand why we make lifeless wax figures of our celebrities, put them in a museum, and then go shoot pictures of them as if they were actual humans. What is the news value in showing a waxy Angelina Jolie, a waxy Brad Pitt and a little bitty waxy baby? Maybe some reader can wax lyrical and explain that to us.  Meanwhile, maybe I’ll get their autographs — anybody got a stylus and some wax paper?                                                  

Wax figures of actors Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt sit on display with a figure of their infant daughter Shiloh Nouvel  at Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in New York, July 26, 2006. REUTERS/Keith Bedford