Blog Guy, I know you like to stop being obnoxious every so often and show a soft side, with cute animal pictures and stuff like that. How about doing something nice for Mothers Day, so I can e-mail it to my mom instead of buying a card?

Well, maybe just this once. In fact, I tucked away this wonderful photo back in March, with exactly this occasion in mind. But don’t worry, the Express Train to Hell will stop here bright and early on Monday, as usual.

More cute animal babies and moms

A newborn baby orangutan rests in the arms of its mother Mona at the zoo in Aalborg March 18, 2008. REUTERS/Scanpix/Henning Bagger

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Blog Guy, I know you’ve written about those crazy German highways with no speed limits. I recently heard that they even let dogs drive. My friend saw one smoking a big cigar and driving 140 miles an hour!

Sounds like he saw the Stogie Doggies of Dortmund, among the worst of the dog gangs.

Uh, you mean there are more?

Oh sure. That country has a canine gang war problem like you wouldn’t believe. I’m talking about the Burger Kings of Hamburg, the Hot Dogs of Frankfurt, the Smelly Shi Tsus of Cologne, the Bad Bad Barkers of Baden-Baden…

Bad Bad Barkers of Baden-Baden? Now that’s just silly!

Yeah? I wouldn’t let a Barker hear you say that.

A French bulldog has a mock up of a cigar in its mouth as it sits in a toy car during a dog show in Dortmund, Germany, May 2, 2008. REUTERS/ Ina Fassbender

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We have a photo slideshow of leech therapy at some hospital. Now, I know leeches have been used in medicine for centuries, but I keep wondering who was the first guy to try them? And how drunk was he?

Ernie: I’ve got an awful pain in my mouth that just won’t go away!

Pete: Maybe you should hang one of these vile, disgusting,  blood-sucking leeches in your mouth! That might do some good!

Ernie! Ya know, I think I’m just hammered enough to try that! What could it hurt?

I made up that little exchange, but it probably isn’t far from the truth. Historians say many things we take for granted were first discovered by really dumb drunk guys with nothing to lose. Watch this, and thank Ernie and Pete. They took chances, so you don’t have to.

A leech hangs from the face of a Kashmiri patient Abdul Ahad, who suffers partial blindness, during a leech therapy session inside a hospital in Srinagar May 2, 2008. REUTERS/Fayaz Kabli

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St. Domenico was the patron saint of people bitten by snakes, see, so every year these townspeople thank him by covering his statue with writhing, slithering, fang-showing, tongue-darting snakes.

Then everybody jams themselves so close to the snake-draped statue that they can’t move at all. 

But anyhow, here’s the guy I love. He’s right next to the statue, hitting his head Homer Simpson-style. You can see him just starting to do the math. I figure the next photo in the sequence, which I sadly lack, is probably a masterpiece of physical comedy.

Slithering slideshow…    Video report:

Snakes cover a wooden statue at the beginning of the St. Domenico procession in Cocullo, Italy May 1, 2008. REUTERS/Max Rossi

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Memo to senior zoo management: The crocodile show opens soon, and we need to be ready. I’ve noticed that our big crocks are pretty dirty, so we really need to spiff them up.

I know our workers don’t like to get inside those jaws and clean out old body parts and crud, so here’s my idea. Tell them these are only MODEL crocodiles, not real ones. Crocks sit really still for long periods, so it could be HOURS before the cleaners find out the hard way…

“Hey, get way down in there with that Gator Floss, Tommy! He won’t bite you!”

“Stick my arm WHERE?” tourism…

A worker cleans a large model crocodile in preparation for a live crocodile show opening next month in Manila April 28, 2008.
REUTERS/Romeo Ranoco

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Blog Guy, I saw your Cute Animal Showdown between pandas and polar bears a few days ago. Our family voted and we await the results. Meanwhile, there are other adorable animals. Can you toss us some variety?

I guess you’re right. Would three six-day-old tiger cubs do the trick? The usual bit of advice that comes with these pictures: If you can’t think of anybody who would love to get these guys in an e-mail from you, then you need some new friends.

And for those who haven’t yet visited the big All-Star Adorable mega-match, stop by Please bear with me…

Unlimited cute animals

Amur tiger cubs sit in a wooden bowl at a private zoo in Ukraine, April 21, 2008. They were born on April 15. REUTERS/ Stringer

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Blog Guy, you’re great at giving advice on careers. Should I consider letting venomous snakes bite me for a living?

You know, that’s not as much fun as it sounds. In fact, here’s a pretty good litmus test. If you have a hard time saying the word snake because there’s one hanging from your tongue, you may wish to consider a pro Russian roulette career, instead.

While I’m at it, you also don’t want to be the guy who takes the venom out of the snakes, or the one who scotch-tapes teeny labels on the snakes so you can tell which ones still have venom in them.

But what you really don’t want to be is a customer at the tavern where the bartender stores the bottles of snake venom in the fridge right next to the mixers he uses for pina coladas…

Much more advice on careers:

A snake bites a snake charmer at Lohagara village, India, April 22, 2008. The snake charmer says the venom has been removed from the snake. REUTERS/Jitendra Prakash

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Hey, Blog Guy! I was wondering, in a real bullfight, what is it that gets the bull to attack the matador? I’m assuming it’s the red cape, right?

Well, that’s what some people think, but not me.

Have you ever looked at the faces these matadors make in the ring? If you were face to face with one and you had two big sharp horns with you, what would YOU do with them? I mean, it’s not even a close call!

More posts about bullfighting

REUTERS photos

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 I’ve been planning this heist for months, but now that we’re going in, I feel like maybe I overlooked some detail. I guess that’s natural.

Let’s see. I know for sure that $14 million worth of  flawless diamonds are in the mansion. I know this is the one day a year when they leave that titanium  vault open and the back door ajar so the appraiser can get in. This is the day they take their killer dobermans on a picnic and  leave two friendly, well-fed golden retrievers to guard the whole  shebang…

And for sure, this is the one day they leave that big iron gate unlocked, and turn off the lethal electrical charge that always surges through it… Wait! DID I check on that darned electricity thing, or not?  I’m not sure…

More posts about crime

A member of the Street Show PK Club shows parkour skills at a park in Hangzhou, China, April 9, 2008. Parkour is “the art of moving,” involving moving from one point to another as efficiently and quickly as possible. REUTERS/ Steven Shi

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Blog Guy, every now and then  you stop being sarcastic long enough to feature cute animals on your blog. But lately, they’ve all been polar bear cubs from Germany. One right after another. Are you on the German zoo payroll?

No way. I have ethical standards, and anyway, the Germans zoos haven’t offered. I’ve actually been working to choose the world’s cutest variety of animal, and I’ve narrowed it down to pandas and polar bears. I want as many opinions as possible, so check out these posts and get back to me.

Flake Slideshow
Polar bear slideshow
Panda slideshow
Tending their Flocke…
Knut the Cute…
More adorability than the average person can take…
Family portrait

Polar Bear and mother: REUTERS/ Alex Grimm  

Panda: REUTERS/Alfred Cheng Jin

Polar Bear: REUTERS/ Wilhelma Zoologisch-Botanischer Garten/Handout

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