Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

So I should STRADDLE this thingie?

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To the Commander of Russian Cavalry:

Comrade, I’m not going to say I told you so, but it was your idea to cut out the training budget for our new cavalry recruits. “How hard can it be to figure it out themselves?” you said.

Well, here is your answer. The new horsemen put on a show this weekend, and it was pretty pathetic.

The riders were pelted by vodka bottles tossed from the parents’ seats, and most of the horses were laughing so hard they couldn’t make it back to the stables!

Surely we could  at least afford to show new recruits a fricking stick-figure DRAWING of a guy sitting on a horse? Or maybe buy an old Gene Autry DVD to give them a clue?

Waiter, a comb for my noodles!

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People, we need to brainstorm an advertising slogan for Acme Noodles, our newest client. We’re using photos of dogs lounging outside on big sheets of noodles being dried for sale to restaurants because, well, what goes together like noodles and dogs!

Here are the possible slogans we have so far:

Hey Shep, fetch me some more Acme!

Acme Noodles: trust us, you don’t want to know!

Acme: Not as disgusting as you’d think!

Acme: Our noodles aren’t yellow for nothing!

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Dogs recline on sheets of rice noodle being dried near a railway track in Phu Dien village outside Hanoi October 22, 2008. The village produces rice noodles, a staple breakfast meal, that are sold to restaurants in Hanoi. REUTERS/Kham

John, this place is a PIGSTY!

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I’ve written about all the ice cream that presidential candidates get to eat, and some readers got the idea that campaigning is a great gig, just flying around for free and eating treats.

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But wait. You also have to go to state fairs and stuff, and act like pigs are interesting, and take your rich wife along and even SHE has to act like they’re interesting, and say stuff like, “John, that’s SOME pig, isn’t it?” while she’s thinking, “I could REALLY use a porkchop about now!”

Razor-sharp gnashing teeth? What could go wrong?

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When we go to the multiplex and shell out $85 for a ticket and popcorn, the movie should teach us stuff we can use. Like, that this animatronic Tyrannosaurus in a show premiering this week is a bad idea.

dino-2-0911-200.jpgHaven’t these guys ever seen a movie? Don’t they know that by tonight their top parts will be one place, and their bottom parts someplace else? No, I guess first they have to scoff at warnings, and explain that an animatronic dinosaur could NEVER turn against people.

Find the nuclear warhead, Whiskers!

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Blog Guy, in this crazy world today, security is very much on my mind. Are any other countries making progress in protecting their people and property?

cat-security-crop-200.jpgYes. In the most promising advance I’m aware of, several governments have turned their security operations over to cats.

Here’s the President and his poodle, Fifi!

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It seems someone is playing a big practical joke on Barack Obama.

A few weeks ago, the American Kennel Club began a national poll where people could vote on what breed of dog Obama should get for his daughters. So 42,000 people voted, and the winner was the POODLE!

Excuse me? Do you want to see your President walking along behind a dog like this with a pooper scooper? Plus, in the famous Dogs Playing Poker series of genuine artwork, the poodles are just observers. What kind of signal is that?

Rat meat again? We’re not MADE of money!

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Blog Guy, I can’t believe what’s happening to the price of all the necessities! Is there ANY good economic news out there?

rat-taiwan-160.jpgSure. It turns out the price of rat meat has sky-rocketed in the past year.

I don’t see how that’s good news.

Well, the price of premium rat meat is up, but you don’t want to buy any, so you’re immune to that increase. We economists call that “good” news. It’s having an impact over there in Asia. Did you know Cambodia supplies a ton of live rats a day to Vietnam?

Snake snuff jocks hit the airwaves?

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rattlesnake-0808-full180.jpgHey Blog Guy, sometimes you offer helpful guidelines for people who want to know if they may have chosen the wrong career. Keep them coming!  

Sure. Here’s one litmus test. If you find yourself with a tube of glue in one hand and a live rattlesnake in the other, it may be time to put rabid bats in your guidance counselor’s car.

Trekking for beasts – are we there Yeti?

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half-human-120.jpgWelcome to another installment of Haven’t These Guys Ever Seen a Movie Before?

From Nepal comes a Reuters story about a bunch of mountain climbers heading off on a trek  to find the Abominable Snowman, or Yeti. Pathetically, they’re equipped with cameras and telescopes, instead of, you know, flame-throwers and hand grenades.

Jump over that thing your OWN self!

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Blog Guy, your blogs about the lesser-known Olympics events have been eye-opening. Thanks for being the only one to write about Bare-Knuckle Self-Fighting, while the Mainstream Media just crams swimming down our throats. What else aren’t we seeing?

Well, I’m a huge fan of the Equestrian Jump-Over-it-Yourself event. This is where a horse gallops up to the fence, stops suddenly, and throws its rider over. It’s a very complex maneuver, and to get the most points, the riders have to look like they’re not expecting it.