Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Salmon-chanted evening…

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salmon-horiz-180.jpgFrom Scotland comes news that a fashion designer is selling bikinis made from salmon skin. I’m serious. I have to ask whether this is a great idea.

For starters, there’s the smell. No matter how sexy a bikini is, the lingering scent of Evening on Fisherman’s Wharf is not a turn-on for most guys.

There is also the danger factor, when a chick takes the bikini for a test run in the ocean. You look up salmon predators online, and up pop things like sharks, lamprey eels and 700-pound sea lions. Watching a woman emerge from the water with a big, sucking, lamprey dangling from her stomach is not a vacation highlight in my book.

But there just may be an upside. Salmon predators also include large, persistent birds who swoop from nowhere and won’t take no for an answer. “My God, Tiffany! That condor is pulling at your bikini – for your own safety, just let him have it!”

Remember to feed the fish, dear!

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beautyworld-hand-120.jpgWe’re back again at Beautyworld Japan, the same event that brought us the Pink Bedpan Necklace yesterday, because we wanted to see if they had anything more ridiculous than that to offer. And guess what?

“Okay, Mr. Sherman, loosen up. We’re just gonna jam your face underwater in this aquarium and let these little bitty piranha babies nibble your skin. They’ll cleanse your face and, you know, maybe expose a little skull.

Who loves you, baby?

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Blog Guy, I know you like to stop being obnoxious every so often and show a soft side, with cute animal pictures and stuff like that. How about doing something nice for Mothers Day, so I can e-mail it to my mom instead of buying a card?

Well, maybe just this once. In fact, I tucked away this wonderful photo back in March, with exactly this occasion in mind. But don’t worry, the Express Train to Hell will stop here bright and early on Monday, as usual.

Doberman Gang, move over!

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dortmund-bulldog-1-160.jpgBlog Guy, I know you’ve written about those crazy German highways with no speed limits. I recently heard that they even let dogs drive. My friend saw one smoking a big cigar and driving 140 miles an hour!

Sounds like he saw the Stogie Doggies of Dortmund, among the worst of the dog gangs.

Head for a beach, and reach for a leech!

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We have a photo slideshow of leech therapy at some hospital. Now, I know leeches have been used in medicine for centuries, but I keep wondering who was the first guy to try them? And how drunk was he?

Ernie: I’ve got an awful pain in my mouth that just won’t go away!

Hmm. If I can’t move, but they can, then…

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snakes-guy-160.jpgSt. Domenico was the patron saint of people bitten by snakes, see, so every year these townspeople thank him by covering his statue with writhing, slithering, fang-showing, tongue-darting snakes.

Then everybody jams themselves so close to the snake-draped statue that they can’t move at all.

Only a model? That’s a crock!

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crock-140.jpgMemo to senior zoo management: The crocodile show opens soon, and we need to be ready. I’ve noticed that our big crocks are pretty dirty, so we really need to spiff them up.

I know our workers don’t like to get inside those jaws and clean out old body parts and crud, so here’s my idea. Tell them these are only MODEL crocodiles, not real ones. Crocks sit really still for long periods, so it could be HOURS before the cleaners find out the hard way…

Felines, woo-o-o felines…

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tiger-crop-160.jpgBlog Guy, I saw your Cute Animal Showdown between pandas and polar bears a few days ago. Our family voted and we await the results. Meanwhile, there are other adorable animals. Can you toss us some variety?

I guess you’re right. Would three six-day-old tiger cubs do the trick? The usual bit of advice that comes with these pictures: If you can’t think of anybody who would love to get these guys in an e-mail from you, then you need some new friends.

Have you theen my thnake?

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snake-arm-160.jpgBlog Guy, you’re great at giving advice on careers. Should I consider letting venomous snakes bite me for a living?

You know, that’s not as much fun as it sounds. In fact, here’s a pretty good litmus test. If you have a hard time saying the word snake because there’s one hanging from your tongue, you may wish to consider a pro Russian roulette career, instead.

So the bulls really die laughing?

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Hey, Blog Guy! I was wondering, in a real bullfight, what is it that gets the bull to attack the matador? I’m assuming it’s the red cape, right?

Well, that’s what some people think, but not me.

Have you ever looked at the faces these matadors make in the ring? If you were face to face with one and you had two big sharp horns with you, what would YOU do with them? I mean, it’s not even a close call!