Memo to zoo staff: Times are tough in the zoo business. It’s a jungle out there. Nobody wants to come and see plain old boring animals anymore, so we need a gimmick.

We’ve brainstormed it and decided to dress our animals in the latest haute couture fashions. We’ll promote it as “Vogue Meets Rogue!” Don’t you just love it?

We have buy-in from the biggest designers to do animal versions of their creations. I’m talking about the Lauren Lion, the Valentino Rhino… I see penguins in tuxedos, zebras in seersucker, maybe something nice in leopard skin for the leopard. I see alligators wearing Lacoste shirts with, you know, little alligators on them.

For publicity, I’ve sent a few of the more stylish animals over to the Sao Paulo fashion show today, including that really tame tiger. Oh. He’s not?

Related: Only a model? That’s a crock!

Models display creations from the Cavalera Spring/Summer collection during Sao Paulo fashion week in Sao Paulo June 20, 2008. REUTERS/Paulo Whitaker

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A phobic fear of dirt and filth is not something you expect to find in a pig.

Something like that could certainly hamper a pig’s lifestyle, what with all the mud-wallowing and slopping and troughing that are expected of you. Unless maybe…

Unless your personality disorder gets you your own pair of Wellington boots so you can stay clean, which makes people think you’re adorable and attracts attention. And that gives your owners the idea to keep you around as a mascot,  instead of using you for that other thing they do, at their sausage company.

If you want to know what really seems to be going on here, read a beloved children’s book called “Charlotte’s Web.” And then think about a real piglet named Cinders, her unlikely problem, and just maybe a pretty talented friend.

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Blog Guy, I’ve heard there’s this town someplace that’s completely run by dogs. Could this possibly be true?

Yes, indeed. The dogs were given several acres of wooded land about five years ago, as an experiment to see what they could accomplish.

That’s amazing! So what was the result?

Well, it seems like eating and sleeping were the only things on their to-do list.

I don’t think you’re being fair. Show me some pictures of their downtown!

That’s what you’re seeing here. The rest of the town isn’t this up-market. Of course, the dogs say they’ve done a lot more than a bunch of cats would have. They also say they can make tourists very, very happy, if they ever get any.

Related, sort of: Mutt-mobile: can Spot design your car?

Rescue dogs rest before training as part of the Olympic Rescue Dog Team at a fire-fighting base in Beijing June 5, 2008. REUTERS/Claro Cortes IV

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Oh what have I done? I just came here to wear a funny costume and torture poor animals, but now the KING is here! I’m SURE it’s the king, I’ve seen him on television!

I should give him something. He’s the king! I could hurl my shiny sword at him, but you can get in trouble for doing that… They would call me “The Stupid One.”

I could toss my Official Bullfighter Cap, but then my costume wouldn’t be complete… And what if he wants money, too? Why oh why didn’t I just go to the Flan Festival with the other guys today?

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Spanish King Juan Carlos tries to get the cap thrown by Spanish bullfighter Javier Conde during a bullfight at Madrid’s Las Ventas bullring June 5, 2008. REUTERS/Juan Medina

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Blog Guy, I’d like to take my kids on a nice safari to photograph animals. Any suggestions?

Yep, I just got back from Zebra Land. As you can see from my photos, exotic animals run wild.

Wait a minute. All of them are standing on green bases. They’re not real, are they?

Hmmm. They did stand very still, and they wouldn’t take food out of our hands…

As I suspected. Did you have to go on a long jeep ride to find them?

Nah, we rode a motor scooter up a city street. Four blocks, maybe.

Don’t you get tired of giving bad advice?

Well, you can’t get a leopard to change its stripes….

Hundreds of zebra statues at a shrine in Bangkok, June 4, 2008. Many Thais believe the zebra is the favorite animal of the deity that resides in the shrine. REUTERS/ Chaiwat Subprasom

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Blog Guy, a few weeks ago you had a post called Please bear with me… where you invited readers to help choose the cutest animal on Earth - polar bears or giant pandas. Was that ever resolved?

No, and don’t even get me started. Those pandas turned out to be, excuse me, overbearing. They sent their “committee” to meet with me, and they never left.

They just sit around in my front yard, drinking bamboo schnapps and ordering cheap Chinese carry-out, and then tossing the containers in my bushes. And I’m so tired of the bawdy limericks they make up! Trust me, guys, “panda” doesn’t rhyme with “Wanda” as well as you think it does!

I’m inclined to call the contest in favor of polar bears, who are clean and pleasant and enjoy classical music, but I’m afraid the pandas would trash my place. I guess it’s a stand-off at this point.

Please bear with me…

REUTERS/
China Daily

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We have a video report about how auto designers are shifting into neuteral, so to speak, fighting for the pet owner market by adding Fido-friendly features. I have a list of the options my own dogs are demanding:

- deluxe hamburger dispenser

- giant window control buttons 

- peanut butter dispenser

- big fans aimed at their face

- toast and jelly dispenser

- indoor tennis ball flinger

Come to think of it, that doesn’t sound like such a bad car, does it?

Video report:

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Blog Guy, can you please explain some of the more complex maneuvers a bullfighter uses?

Sure. For instance, say you find yourself on the ground, staring into the face of a bull who is pretty annoyed over being tortured for no reason. There are a number of clever comments  bullfighters use to bamboozle the animal:

“Can you please help me find my good luck charm?”
“Work with me. Two smart bulls like us should be able to find that dimwit matador!”
“Hey, at least you don’t have to come out here in pink stockings!”

Of course, as you can see in the photos, these don’t work all of the time. Tomorrow, hints for getting unsightly hoof marks off your face.

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Bullfighter Julian Lopez “El Juli” is tackled by a bull during a bullfight in Madrid, May 27, 2008. REUTERS/Juan Medina

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From Scotland comes news that a fashion designer is selling bikinis made from salmon skin. I’m serious. I have to ask whether this is a great idea.

For starters, there’s the smell. No matter how sexy a bikini is, the lingering scent of Evening on Fisherman’s Wharf is not a turn-on for most guys.

There is also the danger factor, when a chick takes the bikini for a test run in the ocean. You look up salmon predators online, and up pop things like sharks, lamprey eels and 700-pound sea lions. Watching a woman emerge from the water with a big, sucking, lamprey dangling from her stomach is not a vacation highlight in my book.

But there just may be an upside. Salmon predators also include large, persistent birds who swoop from nowhere and won’t take no for an answer. “My God, Tiffany! That condor is pulling at your bikini - for your own safety, just let him have it!”

Related post: News is skimpy on the bikini beat

A model poses in a salmon-skin bikini from Chilean fashion designer Claudia Escobar’s luxury clothing line in this undated handout photograph.

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We’re back again at Beautyworld Japan, the same event that brought us the Pink Bedpan Necklace yesterday, because we wanted to see if they had anything more ridiculous than that to offer. And guess what?

“Okay, Mr. Sherman, loosen up. We’re just gonna jam your face underwater in this aquarium and let these little bitty piranha babies nibble your skin. They’ll cleanse your face and, you know, maybe expose a little skull.

“If you think you need air, just start struggling. Don’t panic. Most folks can go a lot longer than they think without breathing. Okay little fishies, LUNCHTIME!”

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Kazuhiro Aoki puts his face in an aquarium as Garra rufa, a fish used for skin treatment, nibbles his skin at the Beautyworld Japan trade fair in Tokyo, May 20, 2008. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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