Blog Guy, you’ve written a lot in past years about your Christmas spirit and holiday mood, and this year I feel the same! Merry Christmas! What a joyous season! Eh?

Oh, I don’t know…

What are you talking about? It’s your favorite time of year! I thought nothing could dampen your spirit!

It’s just that I’ve seen something…. Something horrible. Something no human should ever have to watch.

I don’t care WHAT you saw, it shouldn’t douse the Christmas flame! Chestnuts on an open fire, sleigh rides, peace on earth…. Little children.

God bless us, every one! Buck up, Blog Guy!

Yeah, I suppose you’re right, friendly stranger. Say, would you mind clicking on this video below? Turn your volume way up….

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Blog Guy, you must be familiar with the works of the prophetic writer Nostradamus. What was the three-word phrase which he predicted would trigger the end of life as we know it?

You know very well what the phrase is.

Yeah, but I want to see it in your blog.

Fine. It’s “turd-shaped balloon.” Are you happy?

The only reason I’m willing to use it is that it showed up in a photo caption this week, so the cosmic chain of events has now begun. We are told in this actual caption that folks in a protest march are carrying a “turd-shaped balloon.”

Where on earth do you even go to BUY such a thing?

I suppose Turd-Shaped Balloons R Us.

“So this is the best turd-shaped balloon you sell, Mr. Johnson? Gosh, it looks more like one of those swirly chocolate cones from a frozen yogurt chain.

“I don’t mean to seem critical, I’m just not sure it’s completely obvious what it is. Could you perhaps, you know… You won’t? Oh. Well, is there any way we could make the balloon stink?”

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Above: People carry a turd-shaped balloon during a march to protest against the lifting of a U.S. beef ban by the Taiwan government, in Taipei November 14, 2009. REUTERS/Nicky Loh

Below: Nostradamus portrait

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When people have to be told not to do something that is obviously extremely stupid - like texting while driving, for instance - it’s a definite sign of the approaching Apocalypse.

And when you even have to make LAWS against the really stupid stuff, like banning folks from watching TV while they drive, that’s an even more threatening sign.

But when a court overturns one of those laws, and says the thing is actually legal no matter HOW stupid it is, well, bring in the patio furniture, Betsy, the Apocalypse is here!

That’s what happened in South Korea, where a court has ruled that watching TV while you’re driving IS legal.

This would be insane anywhere, but South Korea?

All you have to do is be watching an “I Love Lucy” rerun on your dashboard TV, and miss that big sign that says, “Last exit before North Korea,” and before you know it, you’re out of gas in the Axis of Evil.

And then you’ve REALLY got some ’splainin’ to do!

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Top: Reuters video screen grab

Bottom: “I Love Lucy” screen grab

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Blog Guy, it’s been a while since you spotted a new sign of the onrushing Apocalypse. I guess things must be getting a little better?

Hardly. The Apocalyptic story of the year is this week’s “One dead in ear-cleaning salon attack.”

To Apocalypse watchers it might as well say, “Enormous asteroid hurtles toward Muncie.”

I mean, gosh. what are the chances a place where men go to rest their heads on a woman’s lap and get their ears cleaned might attract some nutjobs?

Ah, I get you. You’re saying those places should be banned?

Heck no. I’m just saying the swabs they use should be six inches longer, red-hot and pointed at the end.

Don’t hold back, Blog Guy. You don’t think ear-cleaning salons are a good idea?

No. Why can’t those guys just go through a car wash with the windows down, like the rest of us?

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Right: A woman, complete with special gadgets, tends to a customer at a park in Changzhou, China, in a 2002 file photo. The practitioner renders ear-cleaning, head and body massage and acupressure services.
REUTERS/Claro Cortes IV

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If you weren’t convinced the world is going to hell from reading my post on the Heart Attack Grill, here’s an item that should put you over the top.

You know how, after a hard day of work, you really want to find somebody to belittle and demean and taunt?

Yeah, me neither. But now there’s this bar that actually encourages its customers to insult the staff, and even gives free drinks for really creative abuse. Seriously.

“When you come in after work, you can swear at them and call them bastard or imbecile,” said one happy customer.

Here’s what I think would be REALLY neat. I like to imagine that as this bar gets more publicity, people will come from farther away to try their abuse, and some of them will accidentally go to the bar across the street. The one owned and staffed by twisted psychopaths and recently released homicidal maniacs.

I’ll just sip my drink and watch the fun.

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Above: A boat sails past buildings at the coast line of Cullera, Spain, where the bar is located, March 27, 2009. REUTERS/Heino Kalis

Below: Co-owner Michal Lotocki (L) and a customer argue and insult each other in a friendly way at the ‘Casa Pocho’ bar in Cullera, June 18, 2009. REUTERS/ Heino Kalis

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We have this story today that says if you don’t know enough people to invite to your wedding, it turns out you can HIRE total strangers from this Japanese agency who will come and pretend to be your family and friends.

Surely this is another sign of that approaching Apocalypse. In addition to all the other runaway expenses of having a wedding, you can now add $200 a person so you don’t look quite as much like the total loser you really are?

The story says sometimes the marriage partner isn’t even aware of the deception. If you have to hire shills to fool your fiancée, doesn’t that border on fraud?

And doesn’t it lead to recurring expenses when you have to bring these people back for Christmas and birthdays and stuff?

What happens if your bride’s REAL friends find out that yours are only temps? They’ll feel like chumps for attending for free, that’s what!

I see so much potential for disaster here…

“Honey, I want you to meet my folks. Well, yes, now that you mention it, I guess they DO look Japanese, don’t they? Gee, I could ask them, but I don’t really understand what they’re saying…..

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A poodle models a wedding dress for pets in Tokyo in a 2003 file photo. REUTERS/Issei Kato

A model displays lingerie maker Triumph International’s new “Konkatsu Bra”, literally meaning “marriage hunting” bra, during an unveiling in Tokyo, May 13, 2009. The bra features a marriage countdown clock showing the marriage deadline set by the wearer and when an engagement ring is inserted between the cups the melody of “The Wedding March” is played to celebrate the engagement. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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Hang on just a dad-gum minute there, Blog Guy!

What’s wrong, stranger who talks just like Jed Clampett?

You had a purty good sign of the Apocalypse a couple days back, but I reckon you overlooked a better one. I saw some Reuters photos of…

Yes, yes, I know. I’ve had nightmares. You mean the dressed-up pigs?

Durn tootin’ I do!

Yeah, they dress pigs up like humans at this festival in the Philippines. I saw Zorro, a bride and groom, some boxers, then I passed out.

So you missed the piggy weddin’ song, “Days of Swine and Roses?”

Sigh. I’m getting up a petition objecting to this event. Want to sign?

Shore, but how do you send a big petition all the way to the Philippines?

I just use a Manila envelope.

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Above: A roasted pig dressed like Zorro is on a wooden horse during an annual Lechon (roasted pig) festival in Manila, May 17, 2009.

Left: A man fixes a wig of a roasted pig dressed as a bride and groom during Lechon festival.

REUTERS/Cheryl Ravelo

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For those of you still placing bets on the arrival of the Apocalypse, hurry up. It’s almost here.

These are police at “advanced motorcycle training.” I guessed it was a special squad trained to protect us from the growing threat of two-dimensional billboard art, but I was wrong.

The caption says it was a simulated incident of motorcycle police arriving at a high school with suspects shooting at them from windows and doors.

Excuse me? Jeez, isn’t this what SWAT teams are for? Or at least patrol cars?

So we’ve now reached a point where a dispatcher says, “We have reports of students shooting from doors and windows of Millard Fillmore High School. I need a motorcycle officer to drive by and see if it looks very serious.”

I’m no expert, but I would think “advanced motorcycle training” should stress getting the hell out of Dodge, and that firing INTO school doors and windows may actually introduce more danger for other students inside. But maybe that’s just me.

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James Armstrong of the Arvada, Colorado Police Department practices firing his weapon from a moving motorcycle during advanced motorcycle training in Golden, Colorado May 19, 2009. The class simulated motorcycle police arriving at a high school with suspects shooting at them from windows and doors as they rode up. REUTERS/ Rick Wilking

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Blog Guy, I’m a young woman who believes global war is coming soon and it will leave the world enshrouded in pendulous clouds of noxious fumes and toxic gases.

This pernicious haze will have humans choking in pain and gasping for every breath. I guess you can see where I’m going with this.

Er….. Maybe not.

Well, how’s a cute chick supposed to look fine and turn heads when that happens?

Oh. Sorry I didn’t pick up on that right away. Check out this design from a fashion show just today.

This rhinestone-studded gas mask will be the envy of other gals, especially ones that can’t breathe!

As an added bonus, this dress offers ample places to show off the medals and battle ribbons you earn during the war.

The whole saucy outfit says, “I planned ahead, suck it up!”

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A model displays a creation by designer Little Shilpa during the second day of Lakme Fashion Week in Mumbai, March 28, 2009. REUTERS/ Punit Paranjpe

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After paying for their aisle seat, blanket, food and a cocktail, air travelers may need to set aside a little cash for… well, you know…

There’s no delicate way to put this. The chief executive of Europe’s largest budget carrier said today that Ryanair might start charging passengers for using the toilet while flying.

An airline spokesman quickly explained that boss Michael O’Leary sometimes makes things up on the spot. Here is O’Leary’s photo, so you can decide for yourself whether he seems like the type to demand money for a bodily function.

Anyhow, I wouldn’t worry. The lavatory isn’t the only usable space on a plane, if you catch my drift. You’ve got large overhead bins, you’ve got your seatmate’s carry-on luggage when they’re not looking…

Heck, you’ve even got those big heavy metal exit doors with the levers on them. How hard can it be to open those, when you really need to go?

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Ryanair Chief Executive Michael O’Leary in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/ Susana Vera

Ryanair jet in a 2004 file photo. REUTERS/ Yves Herman/Files

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