I have a deep fear that wax museums will totally confuse the future civilizations that discover them centuries from now. What will they think, finding a waxy Paris Hilton in prison stripes? 

But I must say that a couple of days ago I had a brief flash of appreciation for this art form, upon seeing a tableau of assorted politicians, all grinning at a waxen Pope Benedict around his birthday cake. 

I thought surely the plan was to implant big honking wicks into their heads, and use the statues as  lifesize candles to surprise the real pope when he arrives in DC this week. What a sight!

Well, that was SO NOT THE PLAN, that it turns out I’m supposed to stick close to home for a few days, and be available for questioning. That’s the last time I say what I suppose everybody else is thinking!

Related post: Political paraffin-alia on display

Wax figures of Pope Benedict  and President George W. Bush are pictured “attending” a birthday party with wax figures of presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, and former President Bill Clinton in Washington, April 10, 2008. REUTERS/Jeff Snyder/Handout

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You may have read about this cult in Russia, where members are gradually leaving their leaky, collapsing underground bunker even before Doomsday, which they reckon will come this month or next.

If you’re thinking of joining up, here is a statistic: nobody in the history of doomsday cults has ever died being right, and chances are far greater you’ll end up dying of embarrassment. Even if one of these cults DOES prove correct, they won’t be able to gloat about it. Where’s the fun in that?

These folks do have some legitimate concerns. They oppose processed foods, and think credit cards and bar codes are Satan’s work. So if you go looking for them, don’t bother with the Velveeta aisle at Piggly Wiggly. “Dear doomsday cult member, congrats! You’ve been pre-approved for a platinum Visa…”

Related post: Comrade, come visit a U.S. supermarket…

More Apocalypse news. Doomsday: The Slideshow:

A woman with a child walks in front of a fellow member of a doomsday cult as they leave their bunker, followed by their leader Pyotr Kuznetsov (rear) and a previously departed believer, in Russia, April 2, 2008. REUTERS/ Denis Sinyakov

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Blog Guy, I’ve heard that most ducks are incapable of working as fashion models. Is this true?

No, that is a canard.

Hey! Did you set this up just to amuse your readers who know that a canard is both a false rumor and a duck?

Well, maybe that was part of it, but this video of a duck fashion show is stupid enough to use here even without the opportunity of awful humor. 

Related post: Use the puppy Dior, Precious!

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Quick quiz: These lavatories, with mannequins in sexy outfits, are…

a) in the Playboy Mansion
b) at the Emperor’s Club escort service
c) in the lobby of the Victoria’s Secret home office
d) at a regular shopping mall in Portugal

The answer is d. I missed it, too. Of course, the real question about these things is, what do you do when your five-year-old child needs to go? “Joey, Daddy doesn’t know why those silly ladies are dressed like that. Listen, can you just hold it in, and we’ll be home in a few hours?”

Public lavatories decorated with mannequins at Sao Joao da Madeira shopping centre in northern Portugal in a March 13, 2008 picture. REUTERS/Jose Manuel Ribeiro

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Hey, Blog Guy, I liked your item about that Naked Cowboy, and I was wondering. Do you think that could be one of those signs of the coming Apocalypse you keep writing about?

Hmmmm. A very good question, and something I should have noticed myself! One sec, let me consult my Nostradamus. Let’s see. Underpants… Times Square… Yokels. Blue candy…$6 million… Yep, it’s all in there, so I think you’re right.

Indeed, with a long weekend ahead of us, maybe it would be good for readers to study some of my other postings about the Apocalypse, so we’ll all know it when we see it. Here you go:

The photo they didn’t want us to see…
Wow, radical new hair style, Tiffany!
Tight security for fancy potato heads…  
Let’s celebrate Father’s Day! Not so fast, Emma!

Actress Milla Jovovich poses for photographers at a news conference to promote her film “Resident Evil: The Apocalypse” in Tokyo in a 2004 file photo. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao 

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I collect carefully chosen signs of the coming apocalypse, as you know from past postings like The photo they didn’t want us to see… and Tight security for fancy potato heads…

The latest such sign is that tasers - those personal stun guns that zap an assailant with enough electricity to make him resemble a twitching skeleton - are now available in pink, red and leopard, with holsters that double as MP3 music players.

I see problems in mixing personal protection with entertainment. It’s dark, you’ve had some drinks, you’re walking home with a taser in your holster, dancing to the music. Your cell phone rings, you mistakenly clap the taser to your ear and fumble for the talk button. What could possibly go wrong? 

Bari Yonkers of Taser listens to music from a holster with a built-in MP3 player at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, January 7, 2008. REUTERS photos by Steve Marcus

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Young men douse rags in gasoline and hurl fireballs in a blazing night-time inferno. You are watching:

a) Torch-waving villagers chasing Frankenstein’s monster
b) Spartans going after their enemies in the 2006 movie 300
c) An out-of-control 1920s Ku Klux Klan rally
d) An annual church-sponsored festival in El Salvador

Yeah, I got this one wrong, too. But reportedly serious injuries are kept to a minimum, and presumably somebody remembers to tell the small children they shouldn’t try this at home. I still think I’d feel safer with the torch-waving gothic villagers. Lindsay Claiborn reports:

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It’s time again for another installment of our very popular feature, “Truth, or Spoof?” in which readers have to guess whether a story is real news, or very clever satire.

It seems a planned Republican fundraising event in New Hampshire is inviting party members and their families to a Machine Gun Shoot, where they can spend a day trying out automatic weapons such as Uzi submachine guns and M-16 rifles. 

The organizer is quoted as saying, It’s a fun day. It’s a family day. Here’s the story:

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Tessa Green of Kalamazoo, Michigan shoots a Micro Uzi submachine gun during the Knob Creek Machine Gun Shoot near West Point, Kentucky April 8, 2005. REUTERS/Rick Wilking

Signs of the coming apocalpyse are increasing. For those keeping track, we recently had a Mr. Potato Head that needed security guards, and then there was the whole O.J. Simpson If I Did It book and TV show thing.

Now, from Amsterdam, comes news of a new reality show: a dating program for the visibly disfigured. A broadcaster is recruiting candidates for its Love at Second Sight show, due to be launched next month. ”Do you have a visible serious handicap and are you looking for a partner?” says an appeal on the Web site.

Understandably, this Grand Guignol sort of offering is attracting some criticism. The broadcaster’s spin is that the show will be “a platform for people with such problems to share experiences and feelings in a positive way…”

Ah, right. And what was the original title of the show, by the way? Uh, well, it was initially going to be called Monster Love. 
 

Actress Hilary Duff hugs the movie character Shrek during her visit to the Universal Studios Orlando Resort, Florida, in 2005. REUTERS/Sheri Lowen 

Quick quiz: Which of these are signs of the Apocalypse?

a) pestilence
b) wars
c) floods
d) dressing little bitty dogs in Christmas outfits and playing Mariachi music for them

If you guessed all of the above, you’re correct, although d) is the one people tend to forget about, until it’s too late.

A guest at the annual chihuahua Christmas party at a pet resort in New York, December 9, 2006. More than 60 chihuahuas attended the party with performances from a seven piece Mariachi band, numerous canine Christmas treats and Santa Claus.   REUTERS/ Erin Siegal