Oddly Enough Blog

Today’s reading is from Shooteronomy

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written about any new signs of that onrushing Apocalypse, so I foolishly thought things might be getting better.

Let’s see here. Roman Catholic bishops in Wisconsin are urging their parishioners not to bring weapons TO CHURCH, now that a new law permits state residents to carry concealed firearms and electric weapons such as stun guns or tasers.

Uh-oh. Does it SOUND like it’s getting better?

I mean, states have been competing to pass the nuttiest weapons laws recently. There was the Florida law limiting what doctors can say to their patients about guns, and both Utah and Arizona voted to create official state firearms.

Maine lawmakers voted to legalize switchblade knives, but only for one-armed residents, while Ohio approved a law allowing folks to carry guns into  bars.

But here’s the kicker in Wisconsin. Bishops are urging people not to bring weapons, but they say the decision on whether to ban weapons is up to individual churches.

Let’s do something spontaneous, Baby!

Hey Blog Guy, how come you’re sitting in that huge tub of ice cubes up to your neck?

That’s my new “home.” I eat, sleep and blog here, under constant monitoring.

Um, that’s a little strange, Blog Guy. You want to explain what’s going on?

Sure. A coroner in Ireland has officially ruled that a man who burned to death in his home died as a result of spontaneous combustion. The coroner said it’s the first time in 25 years of investigating deaths that he has recorded such a verdict.

So you’re saying a human can actually just burst into flames?

Yes, unless they’re smart enough to sit in a tub of ice cubes night and day, as I’m doing.

Why are you still yammering?

Okay, I have a serious bone to pick with the news media.

It is being widely reported that the evangelical Christian broadcaster whose Judgment Day prophecy went embarrassingly unfulfilled on Saturday has explained that he miscalculated, and the actual Apocalypse will happen later.

So my question is, why are we even still quoting this man? Why are we spreading his hogwash?

In my book, he’s moved to the very, very bottom of the list, under every other person on earth, when it comes to credibility about Apocalypses, yet here we are running stories about his newest prediction.

Really? How many chances does he GET?

Six ways I know the world isn’t ending

Okay, everybody I know has asked me about these nutjobs who say a huge earthquake will shake the world today, sweeping true believers to heaven and leaving others behind to be engulfed in the earth’s destruction over a few months.

It isn’t happening, trust me, and here are the six ways I know that for a fact:

6. My DVR is still letting me record “The Borgias” tomorrow evening.

5. That broadcaster who is predicting this rapture thing owes me money, and this is just his sneaky way of getting out of it. True believer, my big butt!

4. Regular readers know I archive my own signs of the Apocalypse, and I’m not done yet.

3. Open your eyes. You can still leave comments on my blog, can’t you?

How much for the Unabomber’s chemistry set?

Blog Guy, I’d really like to own something that belonged to a famous dumbass, but I couldn’t afford that autograph of Jesse James that went for $51,000. Is there a more affordable dumbass sale going on?

I’m sorry, but genuine dumbass stuff is expensive. For example, the U.S. Marshals Service, the folks who sold Bernie Madoff’s underwear a few months ago, is auctioning off personal stuff belonging to Ted Kaczynski.

The Unabomber?

Yep. Kaczynski, who killed three people and injured many others, doesn’t need the stuff anymore, what with serving a life sentence in prison.

The online auction still has two more weeks to run, and bidding is already very competitive. A hand-written copy of his nutjob “Manifesto” has offers of over $15,000, and his hoodie and sunglasses have 19 bidders so far, with a top offer of over $20,000.

Wait a minute. There are at least 19 people who want the Unabomber’s hoodie and sunglasses?

Sorry Mr. Trump, I thought you were someone else

Blog Guy, you look very upset. What’s wrong?

I’ve just seen the clearest sign yet of that onrushing Apocalypse I keep writing about.

That’s just a photo of possible candidate Donald Trump. We’ve already established that you wouldn’t vote for him. So what’s the new sign?

Look what he’s doing. According to the caption, he’s signing an autograph. The fact that somebody might want Trump’s autograph is…it’s just not natural.

Couldn’t there be some other explanation?

Well, that’s what I’m hoping for. I’m thinking maybe the guy asked for it as sarcasm, and Trump fell for it.

Are they high-caliber lawmakers, or what?

Those signs of the onrushing Apocalypse that I like to chronicle here are coming so fast I can barely keep track of them these days.

It turns out, the Arizona Legislature has just voted to make the Colt Single Action Army Revolver the state’s official firearm.

If you wonder why a state needs an official firearm, you could ask Utah, which last month designated the Browning M1911 semiautomatic pistol as its official gun.

“Anytime you see a Western movie, the revolver in John Wayne’s hand is a Colt single action,” the sponsor of the Arizona bill told us.

I am not making up that John Wayne quote. The sponsor went on to say the Colt revolver “is a historic firearm and it fits well with the story of Arizona.”

An opponent of the bill, a Navajo, pointed out in debate that the revolver did indeed fit in with the general history of killing a lot of Native Americans in the old west.

This shore isn’t much of a school….

Blog Guy, it’s been three whole weeks since you spotted the most recent sign of that onrushing Apocalypse. Can I bring my family out of the panic room now?

Not just yet. Were you aware that Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, from “The Jersey Shore,” spoke at Rutgers University recently and the school paid her $32,000?

Wow, that’s a butt-load of money!

Yeah, it’s $2,000 more than Rutgers is paying author Toni Morrison to speak at their graduation next month, and Morrison has won the Nobel Prize for Literature.

Snooki hasn’t?

Snooki reportedly told the Rutgers brain trust that came to see her, “Study hard, but party harder.” In case you don’t watch the show, here’s a photo of Snooki with her book.

You’re kidding! Somebody from “The Jersey Shore” has read a book?

So if a dumbass just signs his name…

Here we go again.

Having recently blogged about people willing to spend lots of money for stuff like Lee Harvey Oswald’s actual coffin and Bernard Madoff’s actual underwear, I now learn that a very rare autographed photo of Jesse James will be auctioned, probably for something north of $20,000-$30,000.

I just don’t understand stuff like this.

This is the same Jesse James whose Wikipedia entry calls him an “outlaw, gang leader, bank robber, train robber and murderer.”

But because he took a break from those activities for long enough to sign this one photo of himself well over a century ago, it’s now a hot item?

How do you suppose that lone autograph even came about, anyhow?

* * * * * *

Is this the express line?

Blog Guy, it’s a couple of days before the end of February and there hasn’t been a single sign of the onrushing Apocalypse this month. I’m feeling much better already.

Then you’re living in a dream world, buddy. I just saw one of the clearest signs ever. It turns out a specialist ice cream parlor plans to serve up breast milk ice cream.

OMG! Where are they getting the milk for that?

From mothers who answered an online ad.

Ewwwww! Now I understand the headline you put on this blog item. I have to agree this is definitely a sign of the Apocalypse.

No it’s not. The actual sign is, the place plans to charge $23 a serving, so they expect to find customers who are nuts AND rich!