Please help me think this through, because I could be all wrong. Last night, there was a grand and glittering celebration of the 200th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln’s birth, which is today.

President Barack Obama was there along with other big names, as befits a guy who is on our money even though folks don’t have much of it these days.

My problem is, guess where they held it? Ford’s Theater. Yes, the very place where Lincoln didn’t get to finish the play the last time he was there.

Is that poor taste, or what? Will we be celebrating John Kennedy’s birthday on that street in Dallas?

It gets stranger. They played a violin that was used at Ford’s Theater the night Lincoln was killed, and they had an actor dressed as Lincoln, which has got to be one creepy gig for that guy.

But what REALLY bothers me is that if we’ve reached a point where Blog Guy is the one pointing out other people’s bad taste, that’s a sure sign the Apocalypse is hurtling toward us at warp speed. Run for your lives.

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Above: President Barack Obama greets an actor portraying Abraham Lincoln, February 11, 2009.

Below: Television news anchor Katie Couric reacts after Obama kissed her.

REUTERS photos by Jason Reed

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Hey, Blog Guy! We’re five days into 2009 and you haven’t mentioned any signs of the coming Apocalypse. Does that mean we’re safe?

No, it just means I’m backed up. Here’s a clip of Motorcross rider Robbie Maddison ringing in the New Year with a spectacular jump in Las Vegas.

He catapulted off a ramp to the top of a 100-foot replica of the Arc de Triomph, and then he jumped off the replica, plunging 85 feet in a free-fall before landing on a ramp.

If you’re like I am about heights, this video will make you barf on your keyboard.

Ah, and you think the fact that somebody would do that jump is a genuine sign of the Apocalypse?

Are you crazy? No! I think just BUILDING a 100-foot replica of the Arc de Triomph in Las Vegas is a clear enough sign!

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I may as well not hide my feelings. I don’t know if you saw Britney Spears’ act on TV today, but it was another sign of the coming Apocalypse, an example of decaying moral values in this country.

I know you’re saying, “Shut up! She put on an awesome show, going through a ring of fire in a sexy outfit!”

Yes, but she did it about 8 o’clock in the morning! She had to get up at like 6 a.m., pull on fishnet stockings, load big cans of Napalm into her station wagon and drive over to set up the act.

Who does stuff like this at that hour, when decent folks are sucking back scalding coffee, watching Krispy Kreme doughnuts come down the conveyor, or calling in sick?

When I was growing up, we had only one firm rule in our house: NO rings of fire until noon, no matter what! So don’t come crying to me if your kid burns down the house early tomorrow, trying to be just like Britney.

Slideshow of Britney’s act

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Singer Britney Spears performs on ABC’s “Good Morning America” in New York December 2, 2008. REUTERS/Lucas Jackson

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Hey, Blog Guy! You used to warn us about signs of the coming apocalypse, but you haven’t mentioned that recently. Does that mean everything is getting better?

Far from it! In perhaps the most crystal clear sign yet that the end is near, we have photos today of pigs being tattooed in the name of art.

No you don’t.

I am not making this up. Some “conceptual artist” is having professionals tattoo the pigs.

What’s a “conceptual” artist?

I think it means not a real artist at all, and possibly not even a real human. Anyway, as if pigs don’t have enough problems in their sad lives, these guys will be displayed as part of art exhibitions, and their skins will be sold to collectors once they’re slaughtered. I’m pretty sure that’s called a lose-lose situation.

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A workers tattoo pigs in the “Art Farm” of Belgian conceptual artist Wim Delvoye at the outskirts of Beijing November 20, 2008. Delvoye has staff consisting of local farmers to raise the pigs and professionals to tattoo them with cartoons or symbols. REUTERS/Reinhard Krause

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Quick quiz: You find graphic evidence that your husband has been unfaithful. You…

a) toss his cheating butt out on the street with the evidence close behind

b) hand the evidence over to your lawyer and take hubby to the cleaners

c) put the evidence up for sale on eBay

Pay attention, folks! If it’s humiliating, tawdry or tacky, you can make money out of it, which is what a wife is doing with the lacy black panties and condom wrapper she found in her bed.

Adding insult to injury, her ad stresses the condom is small, and the panties are very large.

But here’s the really scary thing. She’s only selling a PHOTO of the panties, because it turns out eBay prohibits selling used underwear . Now, this is news! If it’s necessary for them to make a rule like that, then this counts as another genuine sign of the upcoming Apocalypse!

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Screenshot of eBay listing taken on August 13, 2008.

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Okay, here’s one that even Dante didn’t think of. It seems this couple in Italy had sex in a church confessional box, and that’s not even the worst part.

Did I mention that morning Mass was being said at the time?

Yes sir, yes ma’am, I believe the express train to Hell does stop right outside the cathedral here. It should be along any minute now… Can I get you some ice water?

Related stuff: Meet Rock Bottom…

A confessional, something like this one… A tourist poses inside a confessional in Saint Peter’s Basilica at the Vatican in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/Tony Gentile

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Blog Guy, you don’t write about signs of the Apocalypse much lately. Is it no longer a threat?

Just the opposite. Signs are coming at us so quickly, it’s hard to keep up.

For instance, some guys have turned relieving themselves into a video game. You aim at sensors in the urinal to fight aliens, etc. Folks are queuing up to try, hence the expression, “Mind your pees and queues.”

Ah, I guess that DOES sound like the Apocalypse is near!

Well, the actual sign here will be when there is a short-circuit in the electronics while somebody is playing the game. We will see the most embarrassing obituary in the history of the world. Here’s our video report.

Learn to spot the Apocalypse from home!

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I have a deep fear that wax museums will totally confuse the future civilizations that discover them centuries from now. What will they think, finding a waxy Paris Hilton in prison stripes? 

But I must say that a couple of days ago I had a brief flash of appreciation for this art form, upon seeing a tableau of assorted politicians, all grinning at a waxen Pope Benedict around his birthday cake. 

I thought surely the plan was to implant big honking wicks into their heads, and use the statues as  lifesize candles to surprise the real pope when he arrives in DC this week. What a sight!

Well, that was SO NOT THE PLAN, that it turns out I’m supposed to stick close to home for a few days, and be available for questioning. That’s the last time I say what I suppose everybody else is thinking!

Related post: Political paraffin-alia on display

Wax figures of Pope Benedict  and President George W. Bush are pictured “attending” a birthday party with wax figures of presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, and former President Bill Clinton in Washington, April 10, 2008. REUTERS/Jeff Snyder/Handout

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You may have read about this cult in Russia, where members are gradually leaving their leaky, collapsing underground bunker even before Doomsday, which they reckon will come this month or next.

If you’re thinking of joining up, here is a statistic: nobody in the history of doomsday cults has ever died being right, and chances are far greater you’ll end up dying of embarrassment. Even if one of these cults DOES prove correct, they won’t be able to gloat about it. Where’s the fun in that?

These folks do have some legitimate concerns. They oppose processed foods, and think credit cards and bar codes are Satan’s work. So if you go looking for them, don’t bother with the Velveeta aisle at Piggly Wiggly. “Dear doomsday cult member, congrats! You’ve been pre-approved for a platinum Visa…”

Related post: Comrade, come visit a U.S. supermarket…

More Apocalypse news. Doomsday: The Slideshow:

A woman with a child walks in front of a fellow member of a doomsday cult as they leave their bunker, followed by their leader Pyotr Kuznetsov (rear) and a previously departed believer, in Russia, April 2, 2008. REUTERS/ Denis Sinyakov

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Blog Guy, I’ve heard that most ducks are incapable of working as fashion models. Is this true?

No, that is a canard.

Hey! Did you set this up just to amuse your readers who know that a canard is both a false rumor and a duck?

Well, maybe that was part of it, but this video of a duck fashion show is stupid enough to use here even without the opportunity of awful humor. 

Related post: Use the puppy Dior, Precious!

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