Hey, Blog Guy! You used to warn us about signs of the coming apocalypse, but you haven’t mentioned that recently. Does that mean everything is getting better?

Far from it! In perhaps the most crystal clear sign yet that the end is near, we have photos today of pigs being tattooed in the name of art.

No you don’t.

I am not making this up. Some “conceptual artist” is having professionals tattoo the pigs.

What’s a “conceptual” artist?

I think it means not a real artist at all, and possibly not even a real human. Anyway, as if pigs don’t have enough problems in their sad lives, these guys will be displayed as part of art exhibitions, and their skins will be sold to collectors once they’re slaughtered. I’m pretty sure that’s called a lose-lose situation.

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A workers tattoo pigs in the “Art Farm” of Belgian conceptual artist Wim Delvoye at the outskirts of Beijing November 20, 2008. Delvoye has staff consisting of local farmers to raise the pigs and professionals to tattoo them with cartoons or symbols. REUTERS/Reinhard Krause

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Quick quiz: You find graphic evidence that your husband has been unfaithful. You…

a) toss his cheating butt out on the street with the evidence close behind

b) hand the evidence over to your lawyer and take hubby to the cleaners

c) put the evidence up for sale on eBay

Pay attention, folks! If it’s humiliating, tawdry or tacky, you can make money out of it, which is what a wife is doing with the lacy black panties and condom wrapper she found in her bed.

Adding insult to injury, her ad stresses the condom is small, and the panties are very large.

But here’s the really scary thing. She’s only selling a PHOTO of the panties, because it turns out eBay prohibits selling used underwear . Now, this is news! If it’s necessary for them to make a rule like that, then this counts as another genuine sign of the upcoming Apocalypse!

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Screenshot of eBay listing taken on August 13, 2008.

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Okay, here’s one that even Dante didn’t think of. It seems this couple in Italy had sex in a church confessional box, and that’s not even the worst part.

Did I mention that morning Mass was being said at the time?

Yes sir, yes ma’am, I believe the express train to Hell does stop right outside the cathedral here. It should be along any minute now… Can I get you some ice water?

Related stuff: Meet Rock Bottom…

A confessional, something like this one… A tourist poses inside a confessional in Saint Peter’s Basilica at the Vatican in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/Tony Gentile

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Blog Guy, you don’t write about signs of the Apocalypse much lately. Is it no longer a threat?

Just the opposite. Signs are coming at us so quickly, it’s hard to keep up.

For instance, some guys have turned relieving themselves into a video game. You aim at sensors in the urinal to fight aliens, etc. Folks are queuing up to try, hence the expression, “Mind your pees and queues.”

Ah, I guess that DOES sound like the Apocalypse is near!

Well, the actual sign here will be when there is a short-circuit in the electronics while somebody is playing the game. We will see the most embarrassing obituary in the history of the world. Here’s our video report.

Learn to spot the Apocalypse from home!

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I have a deep fear that wax museums will totally confuse the future civilizations that discover them centuries from now. What will they think, finding a waxy Paris Hilton in prison stripes? 

But I must say that a couple of days ago I had a brief flash of appreciation for this art form, upon seeing a tableau of assorted politicians, all grinning at a waxen Pope Benedict around his birthday cake. 

I thought surely the plan was to implant big honking wicks into their heads, and use the statues as  lifesize candles to surprise the real pope when he arrives in DC this week. What a sight!

Well, that was SO NOT THE PLAN, that it turns out I’m supposed to stick close to home for a few days, and be available for questioning. That’s the last time I say what I suppose everybody else is thinking!

Related post: Political paraffin-alia on display

Wax figures of Pope Benedict  and President George W. Bush are pictured “attending” a birthday party with wax figures of presidential candidates Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, and former President Bill Clinton in Washington, April 10, 2008. REUTERS/Jeff Snyder/Handout

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You may have read about this cult in Russia, where members are gradually leaving their leaky, collapsing underground bunker even before Doomsday, which they reckon will come this month or next.

If you’re thinking of joining up, here is a statistic: nobody in the history of doomsday cults has ever died being right, and chances are far greater you’ll end up dying of embarrassment. Even if one of these cults DOES prove correct, they won’t be able to gloat about it. Where’s the fun in that?

These folks do have some legitimate concerns. They oppose processed foods, and think credit cards and bar codes are Satan’s work. So if you go looking for them, don’t bother with the Velveeta aisle at Piggly Wiggly. “Dear doomsday cult member, congrats! You’ve been pre-approved for a platinum Visa…”

Related post: Comrade, come visit a U.S. supermarket…

More Apocalypse news. Doomsday: The Slideshow:

A woman with a child walks in front of a fellow member of a doomsday cult as they leave their bunker, followed by their leader Pyotr Kuznetsov (rear) and a previously departed believer, in Russia, April 2, 2008. REUTERS/ Denis Sinyakov

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Blog Guy, I’ve heard that most ducks are incapable of working as fashion models. Is this true?

No, that is a canard.

Hey! Did you set this up just to amuse your readers who know that a canard is both a false rumor and a duck?

Well, maybe that was part of it, but this video of a duck fashion show is stupid enough to use here even without the opportunity of awful humor. 

Related post: Use the puppy Dior, Precious!

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Quick quiz: These lavatories, with mannequins in sexy outfits, are…

a) in the Playboy Mansion
b) at the Emperor’s Club escort service
c) in the lobby of the Victoria’s Secret home office
d) at a regular shopping mall in Portugal

The answer is d. I missed it, too. Of course, the real question about these things is, what do you do when your five-year-old child needs to go? “Joey, Daddy doesn’t know why those silly ladies are dressed like that. Listen, can you just hold it in, and we’ll be home in a few hours?”

Public lavatories decorated with mannequins at Sao Joao da Madeira shopping centre in northern Portugal in a March 13, 2008 picture. REUTERS/Jose Manuel Ribeiro

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Hey, Blog Guy, I liked your item about that Naked Cowboy, and I was wondering. Do you think that could be one of those signs of the coming Apocalypse you keep writing about?

Hmmmm. A very good question, and something I should have noticed myself! One sec, let me consult my Nostradamus. Let’s see. Underpants… Times Square… Yokels. Blue candy…$6 million… Yep, it’s all in there, so I think you’re right.

Indeed, with a long weekend ahead of us, maybe it would be good for readers to study some of my other postings about the Apocalypse, so we’ll all know it when we see it. Here you go:

The photo they didn’t want us to see…
Wow, radical new hair style, Tiffany!
Tight security for fancy potato heads…  
Let’s celebrate Father’s Day! Not so fast, Emma!

Actress Milla Jovovich poses for photographers at a news conference to promote her film “Resident Evil: The Apocalypse” in Tokyo in a 2004 file photo. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao 

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I collect carefully chosen signs of the coming apocalypse, as you know from past postings like The photo they didn’t want us to see… and Tight security for fancy potato heads…

The latest such sign is that tasers - those personal stun guns that zap an assailant with enough electricity to make him resemble a twitching skeleton - are now available in pink, red and leopard, with holsters that double as MP3 music players.

I see problems in mixing personal protection with entertainment. It’s dark, you’ve had some drinks, you’re walking home with a taser in your holster, dancing to the music. Your cell phone rings, you mistakenly clap the taser to your ear and fumble for the talk button. What could possibly go wrong? 

Bari Yonkers of Taser listens to music from a holster with a built-in MP3 player at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, January 7, 2008. REUTERS photos by Steve Marcus

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