Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Repent, for the end is near!

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Hey, Blog Guy! You used to warn us about signs of the coming apocalypse, but you haven’t mentioned that recently. Does that mean everything is getting better?

Far from it! In perhaps the most crystal clear sign yet that the end is near, we have photos today of pigs being tattooed in the name of art.

No you don’t.

I am not making this up. Some “conceptual artist” is having professionals tattoo the pigs.

What’s a “conceptual” artist?

I think it means not a real artist at all, and possibly not even a real human. Anyway, as if pigs don’t have enough problems in their sad lives, these guys will be displayed as part of art exhibitions, and their skins will be sold to collectors once they’re slaughtered. I’m pretty sure that’s called a lose-lose situation.

Make way for the cheater, eBay for the cheater!

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Quick quiz: You find graphic evidence that your husband has been unfaithful. You…

a) toss his cheating butt out on the street with the evidence close behind

b) hand the evidence over to your lawyer and take hubby to the cleaners

c) put the evidence up for sale on eBay

ebay-page-300.jpgPay attention, folks! If it’s humiliating, tawdry or tacky, you can make money out of it, which is what a wife is doing with the lacy black panties and condom wrapper she found in her bed.

This is fun, you must confess!

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Okay, here’s one that even Dante didn’t think of. It seems this couple in Italy had sex in a church confessional box, and that’s not even the worst part.

Did I mention that morning Mass was being said at the time?

Yes sir, yes ma’am, I believe the express train to Hell does stop right outside the cathedral here. It should be along any minute now… Can I get you some ice water?

When gamers go Wii Wii…

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pee-300.jpgBlog Guy, you don’t write about signs of the Apocalypse much lately. Is it no longer a threat?

Just the opposite. Signs are coming at us so quickly, it’s hard to keep up.

Your Holiness! We’re MELTING!

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wax-bush-160.jpgI have a deep fear that wax museums will totally confuse the future civilizations that discover them centuries from now. What will they think, finding a waxy Paris Hilton in prison stripes?

But I must say that a couple of days ago I had a brief flash of appreciation for this art form, upon seeing a tableau of assorted politicians, all grinning at a waxen Pope Benedict around his birthday cake.

Scan me with evil bars, Satan!

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bar-vert-160.jpgYou may have read about this cult in Russia, where members are gradually leaving their leaky, collapsing underground bunker even before Doomsday, which they reckon will come this month or next.

If you’re thinking of joining up, here is a statistic: nobody in the history of doomsday cults has ever died being right, and chances are far greater you’ll end up dying of embarrassment. Even if one of these cults DOES prove correct, they won’t be able to gloat about it. Where’s the fun in that?

Webbed feet lead to Web feat…

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duck.jpgBlog Guy, I’ve heard that most ducks are incapable of working as fashion models. Is this true?

No, that is a canard.

Hey! Did you set this up just to amuse your readers who know that a canard is both a false rumor and a duck?

Hold it, Joey, we’ll be home in two hours

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toilets-ladies-160.jpgQuick quiz: These lavatories, with mannequins in sexy outfits, are…

a) in the Playboy Mansion
b) at the Emperor’s Club escort service
c) in the lobby of the home office
d) at a regular shopping mall in Portugal

The answer is d. I missed it, too. Of course, the real question about these things is, what do you do when your five-year-old child needs to go? “Joey, Daddy doesn’t know why those silly ladies are dressed like that. Listen, can you just hold it in, and we’ll be home in a few hours?”

Apocalypse Wow

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Hey, Blog Guy, I liked your item about that Naked Cowboy, and I was wondering. Do you think that could be one of those signs of the coming Apocalypse you keep writing about?

Hmmmm. A very good question, and something I should have noticed myself! One sec, let me consult my Nostradamus. Let’s see. Underpants… Times Square… Yokels. Blue candy…$6 million… Yep, it’s all in there, so I think you’re right.

Wow, radical new hair style, Tiffany!

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tasers-close-160.jpgI collect carefully chosen signs of the coming apocalypse, as you know from past postings like The photo they didn’t want us to see… and Tight security for fancy potato heads…

The latest such sign is that tasers – those personal stun guns that zap an assailant with enough electricity to make him resemble a twitching skeleton – are now available in pink, red and leopard, with holsters that double as MP3 music players.