Oddly Enough Blog

It’s only art, what’s the worst that can happen?

Here’s an actual true news item. Unionized art handlers have been picketing outside Sotheby’s after the auction house locked them out following a drawn-out contract dispute.

With the big fall auction season just a month away, the art handlers have been replaced by temps. Not surprisingly, the union says the temporary workers have had inferior training.

* * * * * *

Hey pal, you must be the new poorly trained temporary handler of priceless art, right?

Yeah, you can call me Lamar. Put ‘er there… Oops, well that vase was probably chipped anyway, right?

Yeah, nothing a little Crazy Glue won’t fix, Lamar. So, there’s no real training here, we just kind of fix stuff up so they can get more for it at the auctions.

Souvenirs: Selling Kate by the crate?

Blog Guy, I see they’re churning out all kinds of memorabilia in advance of Britain’s royal wedding next month.

I’ll bet it will really sell, considering Kate Middleton is so popular and beautiful. Have any artists done an especially unusual job of capturing the charms of this lovely young woman?

Yes, I’m intrigued by the way an Italian artist reproduced the engaged couple in a Christmas creche, casting Kate in a noble, classic visage from earlier times.

Really? Did he do her as a Greek or Roman goddess, or…

No, it looks to me like he’s done her as that dim-witted ventriloquist dummy, Mortimer Snerd, but with more than just the one tooth.

Wow, that is one way to go, I guess. If Kate looks that bad, how did this guy depict Prince William?

Earn a hundred million dollars at home

Johnson, get your butt into my office! You call yourself a news photographer?

What did I do wrong now, Boss?

I sent you out to take a picture of a hundred million-dollar Gaugin painting and there’s a woman in the shot!

She’s my girlfriend. She likes to be in news photos, and let’s face it. Without her, it’s just a bunch of dead flowers.

Johnson! You didn’t think a painting that is supposed to sell for $114,000,000 to $169,000,000 can stand alone in a photograph?

I’m just jerking your chain, Boss. Actually, we’re not allowed to to shoot copy-quality close-up images of artworks, because of copyright laws.

Quit Stalin, and show us the house!

Blog Guy, your readers have grown very fond of Lamar, who shows up in this blog frequently. I know he’s never photographed, but maybe we could get some kind of behind-the-scenes look at his lifestyle or whatever. He has a lot of fans out here.

Sure. Maybe you’d enjoy a tour of his elegant home. Welcome to Lamar’s living room…

Golly, I see he has quite a few portraits of Lenin. Is this some kind of radical chic thing?

No, it’s sort of a funny story. Lamar bought a crate of 244 Lenin portraits on eBay, apparently thinking they were Beatles memorabilia.

Lamar mistook Vladimir Lenin for John Lennon? Really? He’s THAT stupid?

Yes, but to be fair to Lamar, I can see how he got confused. The only John Lennon line he knew was, “You say you want a revolution…”

We NEED three more naked chicks?

Somebody please help me out here.

We have a story about how the Louvre, which is this really big museum in Paris, is asking the public to help raise the cash to buy it a 16th century painting deemed a “national treasure” by art experts.

The Louvre has scraped together $4.19 million for “The Three Graces,” an oil painting by German artist Lucas Cranach the Elder, but they still need another $1.35 million.

Here’s the thing. The Louvre already displays about 35,000 works of art. Now it turns out THIS is the one they needed all along?

Really? Then shouldn’t the person who bought the wrong 35,000 paintings get a verbal warning or something?

Also, does anybody else wonder how a painting by a German artist got to be a French national treasure?

You can see the painting on the right, with a few of those rectangular bars I am required to add for the protection of my readers. I mean, the Louvre needs three more naked chicks about as much as Charlie Sheen does.

Mind your manors, Blog Guy…

Blog Guy, I am enthralled by a little bit of history I stumbled upon in a Reuters story. Are you familiar with a royal palace built by King Henry VIII in the 1500s and named Nonsuch, because no other palace could match its splendor?

The story says a 16th century watercolor of Nonsuch, one of the very few detailed depictions known to exist, is expected to fetch nearly $2 million. Anything that sheds some light on the palace is worth a fortune.

Really! I mean sure, I know a lot about it because I watched “The Tudors” on Showtime, just like everybody else.

I’ve been researching Nonsuch for a while. That watercolor is nice, but I’ve uncovered other treasure troves of historical information, and found hitherto unknown pictures of the place.

Blog Guy, are you even allowed to say hitherto in your blog?

Now, on the left you can make out the grandeur of Nonsuch behind this hot chick. On the right you can see those magical spires in what must be one of the…

We’re the First Ladies, we’ll be here all week!

Blog Guy, you’re a Washington DC insider, so maybe you can clear up something for me. It sounds nutty, but I heard that many of our first ladies have professional lounge acts.

That’s true. Michelle Obama, for example, does a standing-room-only show called, “That Guy on the One-Dollar Bill.”

She virtually becomes George Washington before your very eyes. Here’s a publicity still from her act. Uncanny resemblance, huh?

Yeah, Blog Guy. Like twins separated at birth. Except, you know…

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, George Washington was taller than Michelle. I’ll give you that.

What about some of the others? What does Laura Bush do?

She’s a ventriloquist. She tells jokes through a little bobblehead doll.

A museum for the well-red?

Blog Guy, I need some of that expert travel advice that put this blog on the map.

I’m planning a trip to Britain, over there in England or wherever it is, and I want to make sure I see everything! At the top of my list is the world-famous British Museum.

Really? Yeah, okay, although some tourists find it less impressive than they expected.There have been cutbacks.

No! It’s THE British Museum! The Rosetta Stone! Priceless historic manuscripts!

Yeah, I guess they do have most of those Harry Potter books, although the kids have been stealing them.

My only fear is I’m just devoting three full days to the Museum, and that may not be enough to see everything.

If the shoe fits, hang it…

Blog Guy, I’m a woman in need of advice. I spend 82 percent of my income on new shoes, so naturally the old ones pile up quickly. I hate to just throw out all my pumps. How can I put them to good use?

Many women put their old shoes in picture frames and hang them on the wall. It’s very colorful. This one is in an actual art museum.

Interesting. So is that a collage or a montage?

If it’s made with your pumps, technically it would be a pumpage.

I don’t think that’s a word, Blog Guy.

Of course it is. You can take anything and add the suffix “age” and make up a new kind of art.

One picture is worth two or three words…

Johnson, get your butt in my office! You call yourself a news photographer?

What is it this time, Boss?

I sent you out to get a simple headshot of someone and here is your full, uncropped photo… I’m not making this up.

See, in journalism, headshot refers to the WHOLE head. Your photo makes her look like one of those “Kilroy Was Here” cartoons American soldiers used to draw.

Do you follow my complaint, Johnson?