Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Wouldn’t hanging them be more humane?

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Blog Guy, I read somewhere that you’re an authority on prisoner rehabilitation programs.

Well, yes, but only the really wacky ones that make no sense at all to me. For instance, here’s one where they teach prisoners to play bagpipes.

No way.

It’s true. They take hardened criminals, who are already a not very popular group of people, and teach them to be even more irritating. And it isn’t just bagpipes. Some of them learn to play large drums.

What’s the theory behind this program?

According to our photo caption, the idea is to “involve them in various social functions so as to change their mindset.” As we all know, annoying people until they snap is a great way to make useful contacts in the outside world.

Hot motorcycle chicks lookin’ for bald guys

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Blog Guy, will you please set up one of your famous fantasy photos for me?

What do you have in mind?

Well, I want to be in it myself. I’ll be in a train station…

Already I don’t like where this is going.

See, this gorgeous brunette – like Kate Middleton, only much prettier – dressed all in black, with stiletto boots, roars up on a big red BSA Spitfire and stops to let me on the back…

I’m gonna stop you right there, Ace. Let me take a wild guess. You’re over 60, you’re losing your hair and you’re no Brad Pitt. Am I right?

She’s armed with a good quote…

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Quick quiz: The tattoo on the arm of actress Emily Browning, seen here at the Cannes Film Festival, says…

a) I’d like to thank my agent and manager…

b) When I’m 80, this will be a flabby, blurry smear…

c) If you can read this, you’re too close….

d) Note to self: never drink ouzo again…

e) A blessed unrest that keeps us marching…

Yeah, sorry about that, I wish it could have been wackier, but it’s the last choice.

Creepy just got creepier…

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Blog Guy, are you still setting up fantasy photos for your readers?

Yes, when I’m in the mood. What do you have in mind?

I want a hotel suite with chocolate furniture, chocolate art and a chocolate wall, with a chocolate guy reclining in bed, wearing only his underpants and eating ice cream on a stick.

Say, you’re kind of strange, aren’t you?

No, I like to think I’m just a normal reader.

Yeah? I like to think I’m the President of Honduras. So apart from this nasty chocolate guy, could you possibly make the scene any creepier?

Museum gets a goofy facelift?

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goofy antonio this 490

Blog Guy, you haven’t told us anything about seasonal plans for your Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop. Are you gearing up for something huge?

goofy new combo 340We are indeed, but right now, Washington, DC is overflowing with tourists here for that Cherry Blossom Festival.

The worst wax job in the world?

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Blog Guy, I need to make use of your legendary travel advice. I really enjoy visiting bad wax museums, but I fear I’ve exhausted the list.

Bad? I think that pretty much describes all wax museums.

wax iran hitler 340Nonsense, some are much worse than others. Have you been to Lonnie’s House of Wax, in Beech Grove, Indiana? Their latest figure is either Mamie Eisenhower or Justin Bieber, you take your pick.

And this is from my dumbass collection…

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Blog Guy, recently you wrote about an upcoming auction where they were going to sell a rare signed photo of the outlaw Jesse James for an expected $20,000 to $30,000. When is that auction?

pope alexander 240It’s over. It was this week, and they had autographs of Somerset Maugham, Pope Alexander VII…

This shore isn’t much of a school….

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Blog Guy, it’s been three whole weeks since you spotted the most recent sign of that onrushing Apocalypse. Can I bring my family out of the panic room now?

snooki vertical 220Not just yet. Were you aware that Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, from “The Jersey Shore,” spoke at Rutgers University recently and the school paid her $32,000?

Two and a Half Morons?

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Faithful readers of this blog know that I have pitched some high-concept ideas for movies and television shows in the past, stories like The Love Market! and that extra bonus season of “24.”

NBA/Surprisingly, Hollywood has kept me at arm’s length, mostly through restraining orders, but that will change when they see my latest treatment for a TV sitcom.

Cleopatra? Who died and made YOU queen?

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Blog Guy, I see there’s a very popular new biography of Cleopatra. Have you read it?

cleopatra book 220Indeed I have. “Cleopatra: A Life,” by Stacy Schiff. It’s a fascinating read. Cleopatra was part of the Ptolemaic dynasty, you know.