I’m sorry sir, but you can’t drive that tow-truck full of beer onto the motor racing grounds, I’m afraid. It’s over the posted limit.

Limit? Limit? But it’s BEER!

I understand, sir, but this year, racing fans coming to the Bathurst 1000 will be limited to only 24 cans of beer a day. We don’t want folks getting drunk.

Just 24 cans? What am I supposed to do after lunch? Can I bring in wine?

Yes, four liters a day, INSTEAD of beer.

Four liters of wine? I go through that much at Communion! What about low-alcohol beer?

You may have 36 cans of that per day, sir!

Woo-hoo! Thirty-six cans! I beat the system! Out of the way, loser, I’m comin’ in!

You’re plastered already, aren’t you, sir?

Of course not! Say, can I bring in some wine?

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A forklift with a pallet of beer is seen at the Fosters Group brewery in Melbourne November 20, 2008. REUTERS/Mick Tsikas

Kangaroo grabs can of beer held by Kathy Noble as she stands behind bar at the 127-year-old Comet Inn in township of Hartley Vale, Australia, in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/David Gray

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Blog Guy, there was a really bizarre bank robbery in Australia today.

Yeah, two guys held up a bank in dinosaur masks. As you can see in this closed-circuit footage, they had Tyrannosaurus Rex masks. The bank tellers cooperated and no one was hurt.

“If it had just been a brontosaurus I’d have fought the bastard, but I don’t mess with T-rex!” said one victim.

But don’t the tellers know dinosaurs died out long before humans?

They said they saw this on “The Flintstones,” and it’s hard to argue with that.

“It was all very believable,” the chief teller said. “They had us put our money in a Trader Joe’s bag. That just seemed like a very dinosaur thing to do.”

Stunning! And the “dinosaurs” stayed in character the whole time?

Absolutely. They didn’t drop their guard, even as they got into their Hummer and drove off.

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Two men in suits hold pictures of dinosaurs during a protest on climate change in central Sydney August 13, 2009. REUTERS/ Daniel Munoz

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Blog Guy, I think you have been too hard on British people, what with those Twit Games and Funny Hat Day and stuff.

I agree. So to make up for it, I went to a cricket match in London a couple of days ago.

That’s better. Tell us about cricket.

They have tea, they have lunch, and mostly the players sit on a balcony, where they make phone calls.

That doesn’t sound like much action. Did you stay for the whole thing?

No, just until the first barf.

The first WHAT?

You know, after enough balcony time, eventually a player comes down and vomits on the pitch, and the inning is over.

And that’s all there is?

No, the Queen comes out too, but not until the dude is done puking.

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Above: Australia’s Peter Siddle bends over prior to leaving the pitch because of illness during the second Ashes test cricket match against England at the Lord’s Cricket ground in London July 17, 2009. REUTERS/Kieran Doherty

Left: Britain’s Queen Elizabeth is introduced to England’s Andrew Flintoff during the match. REUTERS/Kieran Doherty

Assorted players on balcony. REUTERS/Philip Brown

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Blog Guy, I read that Australia’s troops in Afghanistan are unhappy with their food. Apparently they don’t like the stuff that the Dutch-run mess hall is serving. Could Dutch food really be that bad?

No. The Dutch eat lots of great cheeses, and all kinds of chocolate and stuff.

That sounds yummy. Have you been to Australia? What do they eat there?

Yes, I have. They eat Vegemite, this dark brown food paste that they spread on everything.

Ewwww. What else do they eat there?

Things called witchetty-grubs, which are worms.

Hmmm. So it’s worms and icky veggie spread vs. Gouda cheese and Droste Cocoa? What are the Australians doing about it?

Our story says they’re rushing in a special team of Australian cooks. And, I would guess, planeloads of worms.

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Britain’s Prince Charles pretends to eat a witchetty-grub during a bush foods demonstration at the Desert Park in Alice Springs, Australia. REUTERS/David Gray

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Blog  Guy, I’m suspicious of my next-door neighbor. He doesn’t look normal. He dresses all in black.

Maybe he’s one of those Goths?

I don’t think so. I’ve tried talking to him, and he sounds kind of like that guy with the deep voice who used to say “Welcome to Bell Atlantic.”

Does he always dress in black?

Absolutely. When he mows his lawn, when he grills outside, even when he  washes his car. Always with the black helmet and cape.

Very interesting. Anything else that sticks in your mind?

His breathing is very heavy and labored.

I’m going to guess that he’s a Goth who suffers from asthma. Any other clues?

You know, through all the heavy breathing, I think I heard him say Darth. Does that help?

Yes! it fits with the black outfit! He’s that country singer, Darth Brooks!

You’re the king of the imbeciles, Blog Guy. Number one.

Thanks! It’s an honor just to be nominated!

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A man dressed as Star Wars character “Darth Vader” arrives for the launch of an exhibition in Melbourne, Australia, June 2, 2009. REUTERS/ Mick Tsikas

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Students, today we’re doing a class participation project in English class!

The book we’re reading involves a hanging, so we’re going to see what that would be like.

Now first we tie a noose, just like it shows in this knot book.

Great, this one is perfect! See how easily it slides when we put it around Joey’s neck?

Now Joey, get up on this table. Now if this was a REAL hanging, Joey would actually dangle and…  JOEY! That’s not funny! He’s turning blue! Students, cut that rope!

Damn! There’s the lunch bell. Wouldn’t you know it? You kids, come back here and help Joey!

Listen to me! Tomorrow we’re doing firing squads and guillotines!

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Above: An Alitalia worker holds up a noose during a protest in Italy in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/ Alessandro Bianchi

Right: Spanish artist Cuco Suarez simulates a hanging as he stages a protest in Spain in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Eloy Alonso Gonzales

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Let’s face it, the human skeleton is a sexy thing. You take a bunch of bare bones, add a bikini, and you’ve got the makings of a beauty queen, right?

No, I don’t think so either, I just wanted to prepare readers for a controversy in Australia, where a contestant in the Miss Universe Australia pageant was 5′11″ tall but weighed only 108 pounds.

You can see Stephanie Naumoska on the left, compared with a human skull, believed to be the look she was going for.

Stephanie didn’t win the title - that went to a woman with actual flesh - but she got close enough to ignite a scandal. Our story mentions the “glittering” finals of the event, although in fairness Stephanie collapsed when a piece of the glitter actually landed on her, and couldn’t get up until it was lifted off.

The pageant director says Stephanie is of Macedonian heritage, thus accounting for her extreme thinness, but a nutritionist told an Australian newspaper there’s no such thing as a fricking Macedonian body type, and so the controversy continues.

Our handout from the pageant warns that Stephanie’s photo can’t be used for advertising. Call me crazy, but I don’t think they’re going to have a problem with that.

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Sydney model Stephanie Naumoska poses in a bikini in Sydney, April 21, 2009. REUTERS/ Miss Universe Australia/Handout FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

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Do you ever wonder who’s at the very, very bottom of the human dignity chain?

Well, it turns out he was picked up at an airport with two live pigeons stuffed in his tights. I mean, the tights ALONE are embarrassing enough.

But that’s not all. Mr. Dimwit was also hiding bird eggs, and samples of EGGPLANT.

To recap this story: man, pigeons, tights, eggplant.

And finally, readers please note the caption warning against using this photo for ad campaigns. I am not making this up.

So, you folks looking for illustrations to advertise leg hair remover or poultry sleeping bags, you’re out of luck.

And Adidas, even though they appear to be your tights, you just FORGET about a product placement deal!

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Live pigeons, stuffed into the tights of a man, at Melbourne International Airport in a February 1 2009 picture released by Australian Customs. REUTERS/Australian Customs/Handout. FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS.

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Back off, everybody. I said, back OFF!

Yesterday I blogged about the “Best job in the world,” where you get to live in luxury on a paradise island and blog about the wonders of the Great Barrier Reef.

Who would have guessed so many people would be interested, it would crash the Website advertising the post?

Well, you’re all too late. The job is mine. I got confirmation today from the tourism folks. They said:

“Gidday, Mate! We’re thrilled to offer you the “best job in the world.” Your résumé was clearly better than 220 million others we received. We were most impressed that you are…

• More powerful than a locomotive
• Engaged to Nicole Kidman
• Recommended by four out of five dentists
• Heir to the throne of England

“The job is all yours, Chief Justice Basler, as soon as we check your references. Congrats, and we’ll see you in July, which of course is really February in Australia!”

So, there you have it. Everybody else just go away, unless you have some Buckingham Palace letterhead stationery I can borrow.

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Actress Nicole Kidman poses during photo call for her film “Australia” in 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Juan Medina

Diver plays with leopard shark during the opening of a Great Barrier Reef exhibit at the Sydney Aquarium in a 1998 file photo. REUTERS/ Mark Baker

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Blog Guy, I hear your readership is getting huge. I guess we can look forward to your Oddly Enough blog for some time, huh?

Fat chance, loser!

Excuse me?

I hope that didn’t sound rude. I just mailed my application for the greatest job in the world, and with my blogging experience I’m a shoe-in.

Really! What’s that?

Tourism officials in Australia want someone to explore the islands of the Great Barrier Reef and write a weekly blog with a photo diary and video updates.

Yikes! How much do you have to pay for that?

They pay YOU! Plus, there’s a luxury house and a pool and other stuff! Just go ahead and bookmark bob’sislandparadiseblog.com.

What happened to the last person who did it?

Who knows? Probably eaten by a shark or wallaby or barbie or diggery or something. That’s his problem.

Plus, it’s AUSTRALIA! That means I get to spend time in lovely Vienna! I pointed that out on my application.

Vienna Australia? Uh, Blog Guy, you may not want to quit your day job yet.

Okay. What day job?

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