Back off, everybody. I said, back OFF!

Yesterday I blogged about the “Best job in the world,” where you get to live in luxury on a paradise island and blog about the wonders of the Great Barrier Reef.

Who would have guessed so many people would be interested, it would crash the Website advertising the post?

Well, you’re all too late. The job is mine. I got confirmation today from the tourism folks. They said:

“Gidday, Mate! We’re thrilled to offer you the “best job in the world.” Your résumé was clearly better than 220 million others we received. We were most impressed that you are…

• More powerful than a locomotive
• Engaged to Nicole Kidman
• Recommended by four out of five dentists
• Heir to the throne of England

“The job is all yours, Chief Justice Basler, as soon as we check your references. Congrats, and we’ll see you in July, which of course is really February in Australia!”

So, there you have it. Everybody else just go away, unless you have some Buckingham Palace letterhead stationery I can borrow.

Get a grip! Join the Oddly Enough blog network!

Actress Nicole Kidman poses during photo call for her film “Australia” in 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Juan Medina

Diver plays with leopard shark during the opening of a Great Barrier Reef exhibit at the Sydney Aquarium in a 1998 file photo. REUTERS/ Mark Baker

More stuff from Oddly Enough

Blog Guy, I hear your readership is getting huge. I guess we can look forward to your Oddly Enough blog for some time, huh?

Fat chance, loser!

Excuse me?

I hope that didn’t sound rude. I just mailed my application for the greatest job in the world, and with my blogging experience I’m a shoe-in.

Really! What’s that?

Tourism officials in Australia want someone to explore the islands of the Great Barrier Reef and write a weekly blog with a photo diary and video updates.

Yikes! How much do you have to pay for that?

They pay YOU! Plus, there’s a luxury house and a pool and other stuff! Just go ahead and bookmark bob’sislandparadiseblog.com.

What happened to the last person who did it?

Who knows? Probably eaten by a shark or wallaby or barbie or diggery or something. That’s his problem.

Plus, it’s AUSTRALIA! That means I get to spend time in lovely Vienna! I pointed that out on my application.

Vienna Australia? Uh, Blog Guy, you may not want to quit your day job yet.

Okay. What day job?

Go into hiding! Join the Oddly Enough blog network!

More stuff from Oddly Enough

Quick quiz: The famous “Flying Doctor” service in New South Wales, Australia, which carries folks to medical help from remote areas, is getting larger airplanes because…

1. Their coverage area has grown

2. Bird flu is expected to take a huge toll

3. They need to fly to farther hospitals

4. People are getting too large to fit in the ones they’re using now

Yep, it’s that last thing. The planes now in use can only carry people weighing up to 308 pounds, but they’re getting new ones so they can handle jumbo patients up to 573 pounds. I am not making this up.

I don’t know about you, but if I lived in the outback and knew that my lifeline to medical help could only carry 308 pounds, then I’d put a fricking Magic Marker arrow on my bathroom scale, empty my deep fryer, and cancel my daily Cinnabons delivery.

Live large! join the Oddly Enough blog network!

Above: An airplane mounted above the ground at a museum in Alice Springs, Australia. The retired plane had been used as an air ambulance for citizens of the outback.

Below: REUTERS file photos of sandwiches and doughnuts.

More stuff from Oddly Enough

Blog Guy, I’ want a career that isn’t just routine.

Well, I was reading about this guy who tried rowing the Pacific solo, and we kept calling him an “adventurer.” If you could get people to call you something like that, you’d have it made.

But don’t you have to be really successful to earn that title?

No. This dude didn’t even make it all the way across, and STILL he gets to be an adventurer!

Wow! Are there any qualifications?

It helps if you have a wife who seems happy to see you even when your adventure tanks. People like that.

It sounds like a lot of work to me. Can you suggest some other titles I might try for?

Sure. Socialite hotel heiress, king of pop, heir to the throne, former presidential candidate, fugitive financier… You might go for one of those.

Fugitive financier! I love it! I’ll send you a postcard from the Bahamas.

Use your powers for good! Join the Oddly Enough blog network!

Italian adventurer Alex Bellini poses with his wife Francesca after arriving in the port city of Newcastle, Australia, in this handout picture December 13, 2008. Bellini was reunited with his family in Australia on Saturday after just failing to row solo across the Pacific from Peru, his wife said. REUTERS/Gino Nalini/Handout

More stuff from Oddly Enough

This blog’s travel section has kind of a cute twist. It caters to folks who want a good reason to stay home. That job just got lots easier, what with a new attraction in Australia.

Crocosaurus Cove, which is Australian for “Toss another tourist on the barbie,” allows you to be in a clear underwater container, face-to-face with a massive saltwater crocodile.

Right. I already see flaws in the design: the clear container has no toilet, which I think they’re going to need pretty damned quickly, if you catch my drift.

Another flaw is the illustrated, easy-to-understand opening instructions on the exterior of the cube. So simple, a reptile can do it!

Crocosaurus Cove slideshow

A tourist dives in a cage partially immersed in a crocodile pen in Crocosaurus Cove in Darwin, July 29, 2008. REUTERS/Wade Huffman

More stuff from Oddly Enough

Okay, if you personally know any Australian people, you need to read this.

A university in Australia says it needs to teach basic English grammar to its students after discovering the majority of them can’t even identify a noun. I am not making this up.

I personally suspected this noun problem when the Pope visited Australia this summer and a big headline there read, “*** Arrives In ***!”

Until this is corrected, please avoid using nouns - they will only embarrass your Australian friends. Try saying sentences like, “Hey, Sheila, your *** is on fire!” or ” I got my *** torn off by a giant *** today!”

And remember to show compassion. Take their hand and say, “I understand.” Say it slowly, and then repeat it.

Stand up for your rights!  Join the Oddly Enough blog network!

Nothing to do with this story: Dinky, a piano-playing singing dingo, entertains tourists at Jim’s Place, a roadhouse in Stuart’s Well in central Australia in an undated photo.  REUTERS/ Handout

More stuff from Oddly Enough

Blog Guy, you’ve covered just about every possible kind of fashion show. I’m not sure there’s anything new they can explore.

There is always something new. For instance, they just had the first-ever underwater fashion show.

Wow! What’s the advantage of that?

Well, you don’t have to pay the models because, well, you know… All you have to do is have a very big net to skim off the models when they eventually float to the surface before the next batch dives in.

But would anybody really watch very attractive, well-dressed drowning people?

Do I really need to answer that? Anyway, there is plenty more to come. There are plans for fashion shows inside an active volcano, in a lion’s den and in a giant shredding machine. Better make sure your cable bill is all paid up!

Underwater fashion slideshow

Australian celebrities pose during the first ever underwater fashion show in Sydney, September 10, 2008. REUTERS photos by Daniel Munoz.

More stuff from Oddly Enough

Okay guys, this action show concept is a guaranteed hit, so help me brainstorm it.

It’s called ”Police Pope!” See, this guy used to be a cop, and when he becomes the Pope he still misses police work. So they call him in on tough cases. You know, he’s out on that little balcony a lot, and when they need help they flash a signal. He puts on his cop hat, and he’s off!

We need fast-paced theme music played on a church organ. Are you with me? And he’s got to have a catch phrase. I know, when he’s onto something, he says “Bingo!” Is that too subtle?

Now, in the first episode, they show him a crime suspect and say, “We need a confession,” and he just winks and smiles knowingly. Is that great, or what!

Are you on Facebook? Join the Oddly Enough blog network. Admit you like this blog!

Pope Benedict XVI wears a police cap as he meets a former Australian police officer at the Kenthurst Study Center, in Sydney, July 16, 2008. REUTERS/Osservatore Romano/Pool

More stuff from Oddly Enough

Blog Guy, you’ve given good personal finance advice in the past, and I need some help. I’m falling behind. Here’s my monthly budget. Am I wasting too much money on books?

• rent $1,400
• food $600
• utilities $220
• gasoline $310
• beer $4,000
• books $40

Um, let me stop you right there. Budget planners with a sharp eye for detail might suggest that $4,000 is a lot for beer every month. Of course I do know there is a precedent, this guy in Australia who was spending $972 a WEEK on beer, but it didn’t work out so well for him.

Miss Universe 2004 Jennifer Hawkins, of Australia, poses for photo while visiting beer brewery in Pathum Thani province, Thailand, in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/Chaiwat Subprasom

More stuff from Oddly Enough

Many readers ask me, “Bob, what is life like in places where they don’t have cable TV, DVD shops, satellite dishes, Blu-ray and stuff like that?”

Well, it’s not so good, I’m afraid.

I am basing this answer entirely on 74 seconds of video showing a dingo named Dinky, who “sings” when people play the piano in this bar in Australia’s outback. He is the actual entertainment. I believe this is all the scientific research we need to do.

Oh yes, and we’re told that Dinky’s favorite tune is Beethoven’s ”Für Elise.” Get it? FUR Elise? I think someone may be having fun with us.

More outback news: I have a snake, and I’m not afraid to use it…

More stuff from Oddly Enough