Blog Guy, I’m hosting a super-glitzy dinner party and I’m hoping you can come. The guest list includes Barack and Michelle Obama, Nelson Mandela, Angelina Jolie, Tina Fey, Bob Dylan, Pope Benedict, J.D. Salinger…

Can I sit next to Tina?

Sure, I guess. So you’ll be there? Great! It’s tonight at 8 p.m.

Are you INSANE? Tonight is the two-hour season premiere of House! Like I’m gonna be anyplace other than right in front of my TV at 8 p.m., with a very dry martini and a big bucket of fried chicken!

Let’s be reasonable, Blog Guy. What if I promise to put a big-screen television in my dining room so you can watch the whole thing while you eat?

No thanks, I’ve watched TV with the pope before. He talks all the time….

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Famous people, REUTERS photos…

Right: The stars of the television series “House” cut a cake at the 100th episode celebration in Los Angeles, November 3, 2008. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

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“Hello? What? Yes, this is Mr. Obama speaking.

“No, it’s not pronounced like the bama in Alabama, it sounds like… I’m kinda busy, what’s this about?

“Well, I’m in a parking garage now, and I am getting good reception.

“Huh? You’ve noticed my roaming charges are high? Yeah, I guess I’d be interested in a cheaper plan…

“Wait a minute! So I can’t qualify for your ‘Home or Roam’ plan because I don’t live in a residential neighborhood?

“I don’t CARE if your records show my house is zoned for office use! Do I own or rent? Look, I just live there for free!”

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President Barack Obama talks on a phone in the parking garage before a rally on health insurance reform at the University of Maryland in College Park, Maryland, September 17, 2009. REUTERS/ Larry Downing

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Quick quiz: In these photos, President Barack Obama is…

a) illustrating how his new death panels will work.

b) abruptly ending a promising political career.

c) pretending to be Luke Skywalker, like every other guy on earth.

d) about to provoke the Secret Service marksmen on the White House roof.

Actually, the best thing about these lawn fencing photos is first lady Michelle Obama’s expression. It’s perfect….

“Oh dear God, who gave a toy sword to that fool? Honey, come over here, I need to talk to you for a minute about dinner! It’s IMPORTANT, sweetie-pie!”

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President Barack Obama uses a plastic saber to stab U.S. fencer Tim Morehouse during an Olympic Games event on the South Lawn of the White House in Washington, September 16, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Larry Downing

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In the past, I have solemnly vowed to my readers that they will never learn anything from this blog, and that though they search the entire blogosphere, they will never find anything less relevant.

So imagine my embarrassment now that bloggers are writing about whether President Barack Obama called that jackass Kanye West a jackass.

What can I possibly do to match that? I got nothin’ less relevant. I don’t know which is most disturbing:

• That anybody might think West ISN’T a jackass
• That the president would have time to form an opinion on this
• That Obama is the only person on earth whose Jackass List is off-the-record

Wait! I’ve got it! I will be the only blogger NOT to include links to the VMA clip, the audio of Obama saying “jackass,” the screen-grab of the Twitter message, the video of Obama killing that fly, the audio of Obama mentioning PETA…

I have now invented Linkless Irrelevance, and the world will thank me for it. Okay, what the heck, here’s the jackass audio…

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Recording artist Kanye West drinks from a liquor bottle at the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards in New York, September 13, 2009. REUTERS/Eric Thayer

West takes the microphone from best female video winner Taylor Swift as he praises the video entry from Beyonce at the awards. REUTERS/Gary Hershorn

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Readers have asked what I thought of Friday’s national Day of Service, in which President Barack Obama helped paint a house to show his strong support for volunteer work.

It’s great that the first family set such a fine example, but I noticed all these people standing outside the house where the president was working, holding signs saying how much they love Obama…

That made me wonder, what with Barack and Michelle working so hard inside, if these folks maybe could have found a better use of their own Day of Service time than just standing around with signs.

I also found a curious Reuters photo from the event. Since I don’t know what was going on, I’m going to pretend I’m with CNN and just imagine it:

“Yo! Skinny! You with the roller! Is that what you call painting?”

“Well, I’m doing my very best…”

“That isn’t good enough, Slick! Look, there’s a hole in the wall now! What do you do in real life, Buddy?”

“I work in government.”

“Hah! That explains a whole lot!”

“I’m sorry about the hole. Uh, can I have your name? I want to schedule you for an early death panel visit”

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Above: Washington, DC residents wait to catch a glimpse of President Barack Obama and first lady Michelle Obama, September 11, 2009.

Left: Obama paints a room at a home being constructed by Habitat for Humanity in Washington, DC, September 11, 2009.

REUTERS photos, Jason Reed

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Blog Guy, you’ve got great sources for news of President Obama. Is it true he loves to fish?

Yeah. He did some trout fishing in Montana recently, but he confided that his true passion is Office Fishing.  In the Oval Office he loves to pull out the old fishin’ poll and see what he can reel in. Of course, lots of it has to be thrown back.

Because it’s too small?

No, too valuable. He’s already snagged the Lincoln Bible, Jefferson’s diary, Clinton’s cigar box and other priceless bits of Americana.

Does he ever get any fish?

Yes. His staff likes to keep him happy, so they sneak fish products onto the hook for him to find.

You know, it’s like, “Oh Look, Mr. President, you got some Mrs. Paul’s Frozen Fish Sticks! And a bottle of tartar sauce, too!”

Or like, “Wow! A can of Bumblebee Solid White Albacore, two-for-one! Way to go, sir!”

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President Barack Obama hooks a trout in this official handout photo taken August 14, 2009 and later released by the White House.

Obama tries out the fly fishing rod given to him by a group of fisherman on his staff.

REUTERS/Pete Souza/The White House/Handouts

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Quick quiz: Former president Bill Clinton is saying to President Barack Obama…

a) I’m not kidding you, Barack, at Quiznos they’ve got a Primo Meatball sub THIS long, full of seasoned meatballs and zesty marinara!

b) PLEASE act like you’re listening to me, Barack! I don’t wanna have to talk to Hillary and George!

c) So that Kim Jong-il dude has a pumpkin head this big! It’s SO gross!

d) Psssst! Barack, this is a Catholic service - I’m pretty sure it’s time to applaud!

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Former president Bill Clinton talks with President Barack Obama during funeral services for Senator Edward Kennedy in Boston, August 29, 2009. REUTERS/ Brian Snyder

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There’s no point keeping you in suspense any longer.

Our week-long scientific reader poll is over, and by overwhelming majority you selected Britain’s Prince Charles as the Coolest Leader Dude, beating U.S. President Barack Obama and Russia’s Prime Minister Vladimir Putin.

Here you see an emotional Charles hearing the good news today and letting it sink in. Actually these may be photos of some other events, but I imagine he looked pretty much like this.

To quote from a few of the reader ballots:

• 
• Charles was our paperboy when we lived in El Paso. A fine lad!
• I like the looney ones. I bet he laughs like Woody Woodpecker.
• I had all of Prince’s CDs before he changed his name.
• It takes a real man to wear a kilt. My dad wears a skirt, but it’s just not the same.
• It’s so cool not to have a last name! Wait. Is Charles his last name?
  
• I’m voting for Charles, Blog Guy, just to spite you for trying to ‘fix’ the poll results!

To see the whole week’s Coolest Leader posts

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Above: Assorted REUTERS photos of Prince Charles.

Right: Britain’s Prince Charles dances carimbo, a traditional dance of the Brazilian Amazon region, on his visit to the jungle town of Maguari March 14, 2009. REUTERS/ Paulo Santos

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If you wanna know
If he loves you so
It’s in his kiss!
(That’s where it is!)

Yesterday was supposed to be the last day of voting in our Coolest Leader Dude reader poll, comparing U.S. President Barack Obama, Britain’s Prince Charles and Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin.

However, the Online Polling Commission has ordered us to accept votes through this weekend on the grounds that with Charles ahead, there must have been irregularities.

So now I’ve got Jimmy Carter on my sofa going over polling data. The winner will DEFINITELY be announced on Monday, even if God forbid it turns out to be the British guy.

Meanwhile, today we take a look at the guys showing off their charisma by planting big romantic kisses, the kind women expect before you get to the other stuff.

Here’s Obama kissing his wife, Charles kissing his mum and Putin kissing a horse.

Ladies, look at the photos, close your eyes and decide if you’d rather be Michelle, the Queen, or, um, Nelly.

Ya want some more coffee, Jimmy?

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U.S. President Obama kisses his wife Michelle as they dance at an Inaugural Ball in Washington, January 20, 2009. REUTERS/Jim Young

Left upper: Britain’s Prince Charles kisses the hand of his mother, Queen Elizabeth, during a visit to the Chelsea Flower Show in London, May 18, 2009. REUTERS/Sang Tan/Pool

Left lower: Russian President Putin nuzzles a horse in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/Itar-Tass

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Blog Guy, you seem to have the inside track on everything the president does. I heard a rumor that there was some kind of embarrassing glitch during his vacation at Martha’s Vineyard. Dish us the dirt!

Oh boy, it was a doozy! Obama’s handler said, “We’re going to the lighthouse now, Mr. President.”

It seems he thought they said “White House,” so when they got to the lighthouse, Obama pointed to the round part and said, “Yep, there’s the oval office!”

Wow! He didn’t notice the difference?

He did say he remembered the Oval Office as being larger, but he quickly forgot about that when he saw the huge beacon light. He was thrilled by that.

Thrilled? Why?

It turns out he thinks it’s the Bat Signal. He turned it on immediately and won’t leave until the Caped Crusader shows up. It’s gonna be an interesting few days.

Please vote in the Coolest Leader Dude poll

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Above: President Barack Obama watches as the Gay Head Lighthouse’s beacon spins around in Aquinnah on Martha’s Vineyard, August 27, 2009.

Right: Obama waves from the lighthouse balcony.

REUTERS photos by Jason Reed

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