Oddly Enough Blog

Get my cell phone, Hon, it’s in the toilet…

Blog Guy, like most of your readers, I come here for news about toilets, which you cover better than anybody else. I was wondering, are women’s bathroom habits any different from men’s, apart from the obvious?

They may be, judging from a new survey of women.  Among other things, the survey asked about items that women accidentally drop in the toilet. Money, jewelry, medicine, toothbrushes…

It turns out the most commonly dropped item is the cell phone, which gives me an idea for a million dollar app – a smart phone that automatically switches to Speaker Mode when submerged.

Wow! If you want investors, I’m in, Blog Guy! What else?

The survey found on average an item has to cost at least $75 before a woman will fish it out of the toilet. Fully 16 percent said that NO item was worth going after in the toilet. My own guess is, when that Xanax bottle drops, you’re going to see some fast splashing.

A substantial number of women say they always turn on the exhaust fan, even in their own home, which is probably the last sound you want to hear when you’re talking to them on the phone. Well, maybe the second-to-the-last sound.

Eugene, please have a seat…

Say, Blog Guy, I’ve been wondering about that guy who’s sort of a living legend in your blog. You know who I mean.

Of course. You’re talking about none other than Eugene “Toilethead” Johnson.

Is it true that there is only the one photo of him, and after that he just vanished?

Yes. I’ve used that single photo eight times in my blog, an all-time record. I have detectives out scouring the world for Eugene. That’s a lot of money down the drain.

Scouring? Down the drain? Really? Why don’t you just say eventually you’ll flush him out?

Because I do have some humor standards. There have been reported sightings. One in Romania this month, and one in Honduras last year.

This restroom ain’t for resting, pal…

Blog Guy, last year you wrote about a business that was putting timers in their toilets, so that the lights would turn off after 10 minutes, even if the employees weren’t finished.

I wondered if anybody else is experimenting with ways to get people to spend less time in the bathroom?

Yes, a number of researchers are looking into eliminating waste in the area of eliminating waste.

The focus is on making the bathroom experience so unpleasant that folks just want to get the hell out of there as fast as they can.

Uh-oh. What kind of things are they trying?

You name it. As you can see in the top photo, Australia is putting coed toilets right outdoors, with no stalls or anything. That should speed up the process.

Can I borrow your toothbrush for my feet?

Great news. We have another one of those serious etiquette columns that appear to be aimed at folks who were raised by neanderthals. Early neanderthals, not the more evolved ones.

This particular column tells you how to behave if you are a house guest. If you still need to be told this stuff, then good luck ever getting invited anyplace.

I mean, consider that among the first bits of advice is, “Don’t use or borrow without permission…and don’t snoop.”

Really? Good to know.

Look Honey, the Petersons are on heavy-duty Prozac! Think they’ll notice I replaced ‘em with aspirin?

No Dear, but judging from Judy’s diary, try not to mention herpes or the Dutch…

Have more beer and take your mind off it…

Lamar, can I talk to you over here for a minute?

Sure, Boss. I guess you’re pretty happy with the client beer party I set up. I think they’re having a great time.

Boy, they’re really knocking back the brews. They’ve been drinking for three hours solid and going through keg after keg. But it’s worth it to keep customers happy.

Lamar, you did good with renting the tent and the beer selection. The big dishes of grilled asparagus and the slices of watermelon and other natural diuretics are a nice touch, too.

Just one question, Lamar. Where’s the men’s room?

Another case of yellow urinalism?

You know, Lamar, I have to tell you, when we hired Acme Architects to design our new office building, we thought we were getting the very best.

You did? Really? We never said that. Actually, we’re down near the bottom. Is there some problem?

Er, yes, Lamar, we are not 100 percent satisfied with the way you designed the men’s rooms.

Um, vis-à-vis?

Are you serious? Vis-à-vis putting the urinals right up against the windows, which…do I really have to spell it out? We feel there should have been some plumbing involved.

That? Heck, wait’ll my big mistakes start to show up! Have there been any complaints about this urinal thing from the tenants?

Hit Man Camp? Pass the lime bag, slimebag!

Blog Guy, what are some things to watch for if you suspect you’ve chosen the wrong summer camp?

Good question. This would be one example. The photo caption here says these things are latrines at a “drug hit men training camp.”

So are they all booked up for June, Blog Guy?

You’re not paying attention.

I’m saying if your camp’s restroom consists of a log-covered pit and a communal lime bag, and you’re hurrying off to handicrafts like Make Your Own Silencer, you may not be a happy camper.

* * * * * *

Buddy, can you hand me some paper?

Lamar, where the heck are you? I told you to meet me at the Motor Show.

I’m here, Boss. I’ll find you in a few minutes. I stopped in the men’s room by the Renault display.

Really? I just went by there and I didn’t see a men’s room.

I’m not surprised, Boss, it turns out in Switzerland they just put the stalls right out in the open. Those crazy Swiss, huh?

Lamar, I saw a MASSAGE seat over by Renault. It says “TAKE CARE.” You’re not by any chance sitting in THAT, are you?

Oh. I thought that meant take care of business. I’m glad to hear it’s a massage thing. It felt like an earthquake while I was, you know…

Hey, save some ice water for us!

Blog Guy, I’ve noticed that as a travel blogger you write mostly about overseas toilet facilities for your American audience.

Yes, that’s the number one concern among folks planning trips overseas or to red states.

But couldn’t you broaden your travel advice a bit to write about something other than toilets?

Other than toilets? Like what?

Showers. I’m going to China in a week, and I want to be sure I can take nice long showers, just like I do at home.

All dressed up and no place to go…

Dammit Lamar, you’re hopeless!

What is it this time, Boss?

We’re supposed to be the best event planners in the area, and this is our biggest job yet, doing the 2011 convention for the International Stilts Association.

We’ve got 12,000 people walking around on 10-foot stilts, and what did you come up with for toilet facilities?

Porta-Johns, Boss….Oh…

Indeed! That’s 12,000 very uncomfortable people hobbling around like helpless storks with no way to get relief! And what’s the first event you planned for them?