Dear Blog Guy, I have a fashion problem and I hope you can help. People tell me I have a very nice build, but I think I’d prefer to look like I have a huge butt. Does anyone design clothes that do that?

Wow, I have to say I don’t get that request very often. You should check out an outfit I tracked down for you at a Paris fashion show just yesterday. If this doesn’t protect you from bothersome compliments, nothing will.

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A model presents a creation by Italian designer Alessandra Facchinetti for fashion house Valentino as part of her Haute Couture Autumn-Winter 2008-2009 fashion show in Paris, July 2, 2008. REUTERS/Eric Gaillard

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As you may have read, a woman is suing Victoria’s Secret because she says she was hurt by her thong panties when a metal clip holding a rhinestone flew off and hit her in the eye.

Personal injury is a very serious thing. Still, if this comes to trial she’s probably going to have to show how it happened in court. I can see lawyers, jurors and the judge all wearing industrial goggles to protect their eyes while the woman pulls on thongs every which way, trying to duplicate the sharp zing of flying rhinestones.

As a dedicated consumer advocate, I’ve tested odd claims before. You may recall Help me, I’m in a grape jam!  If something bad happens, please explain to my family why I was found in a room full of extra large thongs, the walls pock-marked with staples and shards of imitation gems. They’ll want to know what happened.

More news about Victoria’s Secret

Model presents winged angel lingerie by Victoria’s Secret in 2000 file photo. REUTER/Fred Prouser

Brazilian model Adriana Lima poses with lingerie at a Victoria’s Secret store in 2004 file photo. REUTERS/Albert Ferreira

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Okay Hef, we get it. You can always scrounge up these three chicks to bring to big events, like this Hollywood thing yesterday.

Indeed, as you can see from the combo shot below going back three years, it’s the same smiles, just different dresses. They show up everywhere, sort of like on Bonanza if Pa Cartwright had daughters instead of sons. When I see these photos, I always have the same questions:

If you get invited to a big event, isn’t it kind of tacky to say “I’d like to bring THREE guests?” And how do they all fit in the same taxi? Does Hef have to sit in front with the driver? When they go to church do they like take up an entire pew? You know, I wonder stuff like that, just like every other guy.

Related: Who says the 1950s are over?

(above) Hugh Hefner (2nd L) poses with Bridget Marquardt (L), Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson (R) as they arrive at the taping of the American Film Institute’s 36th Life Achievement Award gala honoring Warren Beatty in Hollywood, June 12, 2008. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

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Welcome to a feature we call “Can I sue my freaking hairdresser?” Folks send us photos of God-awful hair, and we give legal advice.

We’re getting queries from soccer fans who went too far for Euro 2008. Sports-related bad haircuts are always thrown out, so these three below are out of luck. Oh, my mistake - the lady with red hair turns out to be an actual model, at a Hair Expo, so she can sue and will win big.

Just to show how complicated this legal stuff is, the woman with the black hair that looks like a matador hat, the dumbest hair style of them all, has no legal grounds. Why? Look at her. Incredibly, she seems to like it!

More posts about hair

Euro fans: REUTERS/Felix Ordonez

Hair Expo models: REUTERS/Daniel Munoz

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We’re back again at Beautyworld Japan, the same event that brought us the Pink Bedpan Necklace yesterday, because we wanted to see if they had anything more ridiculous than that to offer. And guess what?

“Okay, Mr. Sherman, loosen up. We’re just gonna jam your face underwater in this aquarium and let these little bitty piranha babies nibble your skin. They’ll cleanse your face and, you know, maybe expose a little skull.

“If you think you need air, just start struggling. Don’t panic. Most folks can go a lot longer than they think without breathing. Okay little fishies, LUNCHTIME!”

More stuff about beauty

Kazuhiro Aoki puts his face in an aquarium as Garra rufa, a fish used for skin treatment, nibbles his skin at the Beautyworld Japan trade fair in Tokyo, May 20, 2008. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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If you’re like me, you figure this is a Number Six Cylon being resurrected on Battlestar Galactica. But no, turns out it’s actually a photo from a beauty show underway in Japan.

Our caption calls this “carbonate skin care equipment.” Since I don’t know what that is, I’m guessing this gizmo sucks your old face out through the hose and shoots a new face back up the same tube. Thummp! That’s the sound of your old sucked face, heading down the toilet!

This looks like a textbook definition of low self-esteem. I’d basically say unless this contraption can turn Mamie Eisenhower into Angelina Jolie, then sitting with a pink bedpan necklace isn’t worth the damage to your ego, if you have one.

More beauty posts

Visitors try carbonate skin care equipment “Sparkle 1000″ at Beautyworld Japan in Tokyo, May 20, 2008. The mask is soaked in carbon and water which is believed to improve blood circulation and replenish the skin. REUTERS/Yuriko Nakao

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Ladies, how often have you said to yourselves, “Boy would I love to look more like a figure in an 18th century Russian religious icon!” Now, thanks to a new way of showing that you have way too much money, you can do just that.

At the Beautyworld trade show this week in Japan, they demonstrated 24-carat gold facial treatments. But some consumer warnings are in order:

• Gold melts easily, but pouring it on your face in a molten state probably isn’t smart.
• If three bears start following you from the spa, well, that’s a long story.
• When wearing your gold face, allow a little extra time to get through airport security.

More Oddly Enough Blog

Model demonstrates the use of 24-carat gold leaf “Gold Facial Treatment” at the Beautyworld Japan 2007 trade fair in Tokyo May 7, 2007. The treatment costs 30, 000 yen ($250). REUTERS/Toru Hanai

Something is getting lost in translation here.

One of our photographers took a bunch of pictures of the ‘Ugly Club’ in the town of Piobbico, Italy.

The club, with links to the town that go back to 1879, was re-launched 40 years ago as a marriage agency for the town’s single women who felt they couldn’t find husbands because they were ugly. This sign reads in Italian, “Ugliness is a virtue, beauty is slavery.”

Now, if these women are the town rejects, they need to hop on a bus to the next village, where they might find the world is a lot more hospitable.

Oddly Enough Blog

Giulia Chiuselli (C) poses with team mates of the ‘Ugly Club’ official volleyball team in the town of Piobbico, Italy March 18, 2007. REUTERS/Daniele La Monaca

It must be a sign of some kind when society reaches a point where you hear about something new, only you can’t tell whether it’s a) a diabolical torture scene from a new horror movie, or b) something you actually pay somebody to do to you for pleasure.

Welcome to a spa where you lie down on your stomach and they put snakes on your back to slither around and “massage” you. Whoa, not so fast, first you have to take off your shirt…

Spa owner Ada Barak gives a snake massage treatment, letting reptiles loose on the body of customer Liz Cohen, at her spa in the northern communal village of Talmey El’Azar February 1, 2007. REUTERS/Yonathan Weitzman

The time may come when getting 40 lashes isn’t just for pirates anymore. According to people in Los Angeles, where every beauty fad starts, the next big thing is eyelash transplant surgery.  Yes.

Using procedures pioneered by the hair loss industry for balding men, surgeons are using “plug and sew” techniques to give women long, sweeping lashes once achieved only by glued on extensions and thick lmascara.  

A doctor threads an eyelash transplant into an patient’s eyelid during surgery in Los Angeles October 23, 2006. REUTERS/Lucy Nicholson