Oddly Enough Blog

A post-Thanksgiving image booster

Blog Guy, I’m afraid I really pigged out yesterday at Thanksgiving, but I understand a few extra pounds are considered attractive these days.

Can you please find recent photos of some of the beautiful people who have let themselves go, so your readers can feel better about themselves after Turkey Day?

You betcha. Here at the top is a shot of Spain’s crown princess this week, and you can see her extra weight doesn’t seem to be slowing her down any.

Are you crazy, Blog Guy? She looks like a skeleton! They should be force-feeding her this very minute! Go back to your photo file and look again, and this time find a voluptuous, zaftig fashion model. Let’s see some curves!

Okay, here you go, a model from a recent Fashion Week in Madrid. Look at those gams, va-va-va-voom!

OMG! Put her in a wheelchair before her legs snap! I don’t… Oh, wait. I get it, Blog Guy. You’re a genius!

Get whiter teeth, with twice the pain

Blog Guy, I read about a place in France that has made great strides in whitening teeth. Can you tell me more?

You’re in luck. I don’t actually read French, but then again I can make up stuff from looking at photos no matter where they were taken.

It scares me to death that that makes any sense to me at all, Blog Guy. So how does this method work?

I believe the technique involves biting on a gel-filled mouthpiece, which reacts to ultraviolet light.

Jeez Blog Guy, if you’re going to invent outrageous stuff, try to make it believable!

I’m so sorry, let me try it again. It looks to me as though the technique involves pulling ALL your teeth, mounting them on upright posts, bleaching them all to the same shade, and then painfully screwing them back into your mouth, one excruciating twist at a time.

Looking for love? Raise the bar higher!

Blog Guy, I know you are very good at beauty tips. I’m a young woman who would like to meet some guys, and I wonder what I’m doing wrong.

First, you need to figure out the angle that makes your best first impression. Left side, right side, upside-down, whatever. Then, you should…

Excuse me? Upside-down? How would I just casually be upside-down when I meet a guy? And who looks good that way, anyhow?

Never under-estimate the impact of being upside-down. It is playful, yet confusing, and it’s a guy-magnet. That’s why so many women are taking up high jumping.

But don’t just take my word for it. Here, on the right, is a high jumper from Croatia, just looking normal.

Now, look up at the top photo. The very same woman, upside down. Pretty glamorous, huh? Guys are probably lining up with their pickup lines when she hits the ground.

Cocktails with Miss Universe, sir?

Blog Guy, I don’t see how you can cover Miss Universe year after year. It’s so boring, it never changes!

That’s where you’re wrong. Compared with the old days, the modern pageant is much more complex and demanding.

Really? Like how?

Look at this top photo. Contestants have security drills, learning to leave the stage gracefully in an emergency. These women are being chased by a deranged man with a chainsaw, but they’re just holding on to each other and dancing off the stage. THAT’S poise!

That is impressive. What else do they have to do these days that is so difficult?

Well, here are some good examples. One contestant is selecting the best possible melon, and she will be graded on her choice.

Why is our waitress twirling a baton?

Blog Guy, I love going out to restaurants, but I enjoy being surrounded by beautiful women. I find standards are falling in that area lately.

You don’t sound like a terribly evolved person.

No, I’m as shallow as they come. So is there someplace I can go where my sensitivities won’t be offended?

You’re in luck. It turns out a bunch of beauty pageant contestants have opened a restaurant staffed by nothing but beauty queens. It’s called “Panache with a Sash.”

Wow, that’s just what I’m looking for! Do the waitresses dress well?

Of course. You may request the Ballgown Section or the Swimsuit Section.

Reading in bed just got a lot better…

Okay Lamar, your memo said you’ve come up with a  totally new fashion concept in women’s apparel. I’m very excited, so show me what you’ve got.

Okay, Boss!  Presenting, ta-da, The Linger-Read!

The what?

It’s lingerie that you can read, Boss. So if you get bored with your partner, you can at least read what she’s wearing for entertainment.

Are you a total moron, Lamar? What guy gets BORED looking at a woman wearing lingerie?

It’ll be a real turn-on for smart guys, Boss. It’s like, “Wait here, Big Boy, I’m gonna slip into something more educational…”

A skeleton crew of bikini models?

Ah, this is the life, right Lamar? Fashion Week in Brazil, where the women are gorgeous and shapely and we can really show off our most daring bikinis.

I hope you’ve gone all-out to get us some great-looking… OMG! What do you call THAT?

That’s our bikini model, Boss. Too fat?

Lamar, you dimwit! No woman is going to buy one of our swimsuits to try and look like that bony twig! Cripes, I’m afraid she’ll have a wardrobe malfunction when her shoulder blade cuts through the bra strap!

Don’t be so negative, Boss. Give me a couple of days of feeding her doughnuts and milkshakes nonstop, and we can bulk her up to a size zero. Trust me, she’ll be up to 70 pounds by Monday.

And besides, how was I supposed to know she was too thin?

Great legs, nice calves…

Blog Guy, I have a huge complaint.

I started reading your blog for your great coverage of German farming news, but here lately you’ve written very little about it.

You’re about to lose me and many of my friends, who are also German farming enthusiasts.

No, wait, I can’t afford to lose any readers! Look, here are some fresh photos for you showing German cows and tractors and stuff.

Well, okay, that’s better. Say, what kind of German farm IS this?

I don’t know, I suppose they probably grow sauerkraut and hasenpfeffer and stuff. The usual.

She flew in on Hair Force One?

Come on into Air Force One, sir. You’re the new hairdresser here to style the first lady’s hair for the big trip?

Yes, I am. I must admit I was a little surprised to be called in for such a big job.

We don’t have many options left. Ms. Obama is VERY particular about her hair, and often if she’s unhappy with the results, the stylist…

Gets fired?

No. Totally disappears from the face of the earth. So, what is your name again?

I’ve got your back, Renee…

Hey Blog Guy, can you please settle a bet with my haberdasher’s fishmonger?

Oh sure, even when I’m on vacation, which I am now, I’m always happy to take time out to settle bets with folks from randomly obscure professions.

Great, thanks! So we were wondering, who has the most deformed back in the history of entertainment?

She says it’s Quasimodo,  from “The Hunchback of Notre Dame,”  but I think it’s the actress, Renee Zelwigger.

You win that one, hands down. I mean, just look at this photo.  I don’t even know what some of those bones are called.

OMG, I’m going to be sick! That’s even worse than I’ve heard! But isn’t there some chance that’s a front shot, and she just has that dress on backwards?