Fashion staff, this new push-up product of ours is going to turn the beauty business upside down!

Look at this pathetic Victoria’s Secret model showing off their push-up bra. Who needs that? Bosoms are SO last year. Just ask any guy.

Which is where our product comes in. Get ready for the age of the CLAVICLE! That’s right, collar bones ARE the new breasts!

See the hot model in the photo below? See how sensuous her clavicles look when they’re pushed up by our new miracle garment?

Now, for under $30, every woman in America can look like she’s had expensive Clavicle Enhancement Surgery, just like the movie stars have.

It’s a new ballgame, guys. Second base now starts at the neck!

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Above: Victoria’s Secret Angel Miranda Kerr introduces their new line of Dream Angel push up bras in New York April 7, 2009. REUTERS/Brendan McDermid

Left: A model presents a creation from Teca’s 2010 spring/summer collection during Fashion Rio Show in Rio de Janeiro June 7, 2009. REUTERS/Alex Carvalho

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Oh my God!

Ralphie, what’s wrong?

That chick coming this way. That’s my Internet date! I recognize her from her picture, and I think she’s really pissed!

No! Nobody uses their real picture online! What does she think YOU look like?

I may have sent her a shot of Hugh Jackman. What the hell am I going to say to her? What if the OTHER stuff she told me about herself is true, too?

Like what?

Like she’s a Supreme Imperial Goddess from another galaxy and she’s here to meet guys to see if her people will let us live! She says she has SUPERPOWERS! Do you think she does?

Are you out of your mind, Ralph? Look at her! How could she NOT have superpowers? You think maybe she’ll just kill YOU and spare the rest of us?

Hamana-hamana-hamana

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A model presents the latest collection by Larisa Katz of the Netherlands at a show during Bahrain Fashion Week in Manama, May 30, 2009. REUTERS/Hamad I Mohammed

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Great news for you chicks who want someone using razor-sharp scissors on your neck and head while balanced upside-down!

Meet Wang Xiaoyu, who has more years of experience at kung fu than at barbering, something I myself look for in a stylist.

Wang is trying to attract more customers by cutting hair while doing a headstand. I’m not making this up.

I happen to think he’s onto something smart, judging from the stuff I hear women saying to each other.

“Hey Ann, you still going to Jean-Pierre?”

“No, he stands upright all the time and just styles hair. What’s the fun in that?”

“I hear you! I’m looking for a guy to cut my hair while riding a unicycle, or maybe while sitting in a vibrating chair.”

“I know, girlfriend! I’m looking for a stylist who’s blindfolded, or at least upside-down. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“Yes! Wang! Wang! Grab your head-bandages and let’s go!”

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Wang Xiaoyu, 35, gives a model a haircut while standing on his head near his barbershop in Changsha, Hunan Province May 22, 2009. Wang, a barber of 15 years, has had 18 years of training in kung fu. REUTERS/ Stringer

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Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Drinking red wine by the case
Along came a spider who sat down beside her,
And said, “Let me crawl on your face!”

People who want to be on the cutting edge of fashion ask me, “Bob, what’s the next big thing after carrying around tiny chihuahuas in purses, and they seem surprised when I tell them it’s a face-full of tarantulas.

We’re already seeing it in trendy places like California. It’s only a matter of time until Paris Hilton shows up at some event with a big honking tarantula covering her face, and then watch out!

There are plans to open a chain of shopping mall fashion spider outlets called “Arachnids off the Rack,” and I don’t even need to mention the most logical place to sell spiders: the Web.

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Above: Paris Hilton and her dog in 2005 file photo. REUTERS/ Shannon Stapleton

Below left: A tarantula walks over the face of owner Cody Wil in Concord, California, April 25, 2009. Arachnophiles met at the San Francisco Tarantula Society Spring Sling Fling.

Below right: A tarantula walks over the face of Al Wolf, director of the Sonoma County Reptile Rescue.

REUTERS spider photos by Kimberly White

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Blog Guy, my mom is turning 60 next month. My sisters and I want to give her something really special. Any ideas?

Sure. Do what many families are doing these days. Have Mom tattooed.

You mean a cute little tattoo just to show she’s still hip? Like on her back?

No, like all over. Look at this lady. She’s over 70 and Guinness says she’s the most senior tattooed woman in the world.

What the hell does that mean? What happens to all the other chicks with tattoos when they turn 70?

I guess we’re not supposed to ask.

I don’t know about this. What does this full-body tattoo thing cost?

That depends on how many guys you have to hire to hold her down.

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Isobel Varley, of Britain, poses during ‘II Expotatoo’ tattoo fair in Gijon, Spain, May 15, 2009. Varley is the most senior tattooed woman in the world according to The Guinness Records Book. REUTERS/Eloy Alonso

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A reader named Kelli, in Texas, writes, “Bob, I’m starting to enter serious beauty pageants, and I’m looking for something to perform in the talent portion. I was planning to twirl a baton while whistling ‘The Yellow Rose of Texas… ‘”

Well Kelli, that’s fine. But as we’re no longer living in the 1950s maybe you should be a bit more edgy.

Take this contestant in the Miss Universe Japan competition. Either her talent is cardiopulmonary resuscitation, or else she did an actual lap dance onstage. There’s something you don’t see all the time.

I wasn’t sure this would be seen as proper, but I went to a site that tells about choosing your talent, and it said, “…anything you can perform onstage is acceptable.” If you’ve seen “Miss Saigon,” you know that doesn’t rule out very much.

The site also advises, “Take your talent public. Look for opportunities to perform in recitals, church or community groups.”

It looks to me like this woman has rehearsed plenty, though I’m not sure it was at church groups. So rethink the baton, and let me know if you want to follow in the stiletto heels of this contestant.

Oh, and did I mention? She won.

Pageant slideshow

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Winner of Miss Universe Japan 2009 Emiri Miyasaka performs during the Miss Universe Japan finals in Tokyo, May 11, 2009. REUTERS/Toru Hanai

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Hey Blog Guy, it seems like you’re always sort of making fun of fashion models. Why don’t you just once listen to what they have to say, and learn something?

That’s good advice. It so happens we have a video report on supermodel Bar Refaeli, who was the cover model for this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. She must have something to say, right?

I watched the entire two-minute report, so you don’t need to, and here are the best quotes - the ones that really made me stop and think:

“I’m always on the go. I travel a lot.”

“People have a tendency when they shoot me to put me in very little clothes.”

“I’ve tried on thousands of bikinis.”

“I will make my dream come true and find the perfect little bikini.”

So there you have it, a supermodel with a dream. And by God I bet she finds it, and I bet she sells it for $120.00. At least that’s what the video says.

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Above: Israeli model Bar Rafaeli in screen grab from video report.

Below: Rafaeli in 2007 file photo. REUTERS/ Alessandro Bianchi

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Let’s face it, the human skeleton is a sexy thing. You take a bunch of bare bones, add a bikini, and you’ve got the makings of a beauty queen, right?

No, I don’t think so either, I just wanted to prepare readers for a controversy in Australia, where a contestant in the Miss Universe Australia pageant was 5′11″ tall but weighed only 108 pounds.

You can see Stephanie Naumoska on the left, compared with a human skull, believed to be the look she was going for.

Stephanie didn’t win the title - that went to a woman with actual flesh - but she got close enough to ignite a scandal. Our story mentions the “glittering” finals of the event, although in fairness Stephanie collapsed when a piece of the glitter actually landed on her, and couldn’t get up until it was lifted off.

The pageant director says Stephanie is of Macedonian heritage, thus accounting for her extreme thinness, but a nutritionist told an Australian newspaper there’s no such thing as a fricking Macedonian body type, and so the controversy continues.

Our handout from the pageant warns that Stephanie’s photo can’t be used for advertising. Call me crazy, but I don’t think they’re going to have a problem with that.

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Sydney model Stephanie Naumoska poses in a bikini in Sydney, April 21, 2009. REUTERS/ Miss Universe Australia/Handout FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

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Is it just me, or does anybody else notice something disturbing about these photos?

These shots are from a “wellness” fair in Romania, and sure, I have to make fun of the hairstyles because it’s the right thing to do. And no, the word “wellness” doesn’t seem to apply here at all.

But what really jumps out at me is the stylist herself in the bottom photo. She’s very cute, she has lovely hair, and yet here she is applying yellow paint and a slut cut to some helpless model.

What is the unspoken message here? “I have a psychotic hatred of models, so I’m going to make you look like inmates in the jaundice ward at an asylum off of Gin Lane!”

I mean, if you were this model wouldn’t you say to the stylist, “Make me look like you. In fact honey, I think I’ll just go to the stylist who did YOUR hair and makeup!”

Romania fair hair slideshow

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A hairstylist works on the hair of a model during a contest at Romania’s Estetika & Wellness fair in Bucharest, April 11, 2009. REUTERS/ Bogdan Criste

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Earlier this week I did an item about a hot new fashion trend, dresses that leave one you-know-what exposed, so a woman has to cover it with her hand. I pointed out many flaws in this design, like if you’re left-handed it’s hard to take notes in algebra class and stuff like that.

But some readers were like, “Bob, that’s just one dress, it’s not a trend, so shut up.”

Well skeptics, you heard it here first. Behold a similar creation from a fashion show yesterday, in MIAMI! Unless this model is just wearing her dress backwards, the trend has arrived on our shores and we have to accept it.

Women, I guess it’s time to get out ahead of the curve, so to speak, and start practicing. Take one of  your old dresses and some scissors, do your own design, and wear it out to a restaurant this weekend. If anybody objects, send them to my blog.

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A model displays a creation designed by Kimya Glasgow on the first day of Miami Fashion Week in Florida March 19, 2009. REUTERS/Carlos Barria

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