We have some photos of President Barack Obama speaking at a middle school, where a member of the audience has the word OBAMA shaved in his hair.

Presidential haircuts are a time-honored tradition in this country, and today’s students don’t know how lucky they are to deal with a five-letter name.

Why, in my day, I didn’t think my hair would ever grow back from my John Fitzgerald Kennedy cut, which I unfortunately got a week before the assassination.

And don’t even get my grampa started on his President Franklin Delano Roosevelt haircut. Suffice it to say the last three letters actually had to be carved into his cheek, and never went away.

And speakin’ of the old days, did I ever tell you kids about the time….

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A student with an “Obama” haircut at Wright Middle School in Madison, Wisconsin, listens to U.S. President Barack Obama speak as he visits the area, November 4, 2009.   REUTERS/ Larry Downing

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Gather around, fashion show staff, I’ve found a new way to cut costs for the big show. It may be even better than our earlier measures, like using dead models, hiring dog groomers as stylists and raccoons to do makeup…

Now keep an open mind. You all remember that tragedy last year when they held a fashion show in a steam pipe factory, and there was an explosion, and the models ended up with big sections of pipe through their heads?

Well, those plucky gals want to return to modeling, but… How shall I put this? They’re not quite as attractive as models who DON’T have plumbing materials piercing their skulls.

These chicks will work for free, just to get back on the runway, so if we can just design outfits around them we’ll save a fortune!

Lonnie, check into getting the dressing room doors widened a bit for us, okay? Let’s give these poor girls another chance!

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Models present creations by Kazakhstan’s Kenje design house during Kazakhstan Fashion Week in Almaty, October 30, 2009. REUTERS/Shamil Zhumatov

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Boss, those models are back complaining again.

Boy, it’s always something with them. What is it this time?

They haven’t eaten since 2006. Look at that one on the runway, with the spindly legs and her pelvis protruding through her skin…

I don’t see anybody. Oh, wait, I do see a white bag and a headscarf. Look, if they want to be fashion models, they need to weigh less than 40 pounds. Them’s the rules.

Yeah I know, Boss, but they’re still afraid of the birds.

The birds?

You know, the birds that live in the rafters and swoop down on the runway to carry off size zero models and eat them.

Oh, whine, whine, whine! Okay, hire some damned bird-shooting snipers for the next show, but tell them to try not to hit so many people in the audience this time!

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Above: A model presents a creation from Indian designer Sanchita’s Spring/Summer 2010 collection at the Wills Lifestyle India Fashion Week in New Delhi October 26, 2009. REUTERS/Vijay Mathur

Right: Models display outfits from designer Nicolas Vaudelet’s Spring/Summer 2010 collection during Cibeles Madrid Fashion Week in Madrid September 22, 2009. REUTERS/ Susana Vera

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Okay fashion show staff, we’re bleeding cash here!

Our big cost-saving idea of hiring dog groomers to do our models’ hair helped a lot, but look at what we’re spending on lipstick! We can’t keep buying makeup this way!

What? Yes Judy, I guess you COULD say the lipstick problem has us “going down the tubes,” if you want to be really lame about it…

We have GOT to figure out something else to decorate the models’ lips, something we already have on hand. Think, think…

I’ve got it! Lamar, you remember when be bought 40,000 of those little Hitler mustaches, because we thought they were going to be the next big fashion thing, but then they weren’t?

Go root around in the closet and bring me some of them. I think I’ve just had a brilliant idea!

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Models present creations by Ukrainian designer Mavka Khome during Ukrainian Fashion Week in Kiev October 20, 2009.  REUTERS/Konstantin Chernichkin

Wax figure of Adolf Hitler in 2004 file photo. REUTERS

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Blog Guy, you’re an expert on police operations around the world, right?

Okay.

So I was wondering, what are the very best and very worst police departments? I’m counting on you.

The worst may be these police in Mumbai.

Check out this photo. Looks like all of them are groping for bullets while balancing their rifles between their knees, with the barrels pointed up towards their faces.

It seems like a Deputy Barney Fife moment if ever there was one. I have another photo taken 20 seconds later, but it’s a bit grisly to use here.

And the very best unit?

I’d have to say the Dominican Republic Police Department, which appears to be made up entirely of models in skimpy bikinis. I believe the officer saluting here is a captain.

She’s a COP?  Man, I’d like to cop…

Stop right there! This is a sophisticated blog, Buster, so just keep those cheap pool hall lines to yourself!

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Above: Policemen prepare to fire their weapons to pay homage to their fallen colleagues on Police Commemoration Day in Mumbai October 21, 2009. REUTERS/Arko Datta

Below: A model displays a creation by Puerto Rico designer Ecliptica at a fashion show during the Dominicana fashion week in Santo Domingo, October 20, 2009. REUTERS/Eduardo Munoz

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Blog Guy, I’m planning my wedding, and I need your advice. My four bridesmaids are very pretty, and I don’t want them to outshine me at my own event.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you seem like kind of a bitch.

Hey, thanks! So how can I make sure I’m the brightest star on my special day?

Oh, just do what every other bride does. Choose the most hideous outfits imaginable for your bridesmaids. They can’t stop you.

Check this combo shot, and pretend those are your four bridesmaids coming down the aisle, all skanked-up like the Queen of Uglytown…

I love it. It’s beyond HIDEOUS! Surely it doesn’t exist!

It’s real, and it was just presented at a genuine fashion show. I’m pretty sure it’s made from old car upholstery. Also note the shoes and a very special touch, a full shower curtain hanging from the hem and dragging on the floor.

THANK YOU SO MUCH! Years from now my friends and I will have such fun looking at the wedding photos!

You really are out of your mind, aren’t you, honey?

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A model presents a creation by Ukrainian designer Elena Burenina during Ukrainian Fashion Week in Kiev October 18, 2009. REUTERS/Konstantin Chernichkin

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Blog Guy, I’m curious about the psychology of fashion models. Do they just wear anything they’re given, or do they have strong personal feelings about the creations?

That is a very astute question. Usually, a model wears any piece of rancid garbage some nutjob designer wraps around her wispy body.

On the left here, you can see a couple of examples from yesterday.

One model doesn’t seem to mind having a black face with white spots, and a jacket with bat wings. Another seems fine with a blouse made from packing twine and coat hangers.

But models DO have feelings that accumulate, and may explode in what mental health experts call a “WTF moment.”

That’s interesting. What does it look like?

I think it looks like this.

In the middle of a Fashion Week runway, it looks to me like this model below suddenly got a mental image of herself, with what looks like bird crap smeared on her face and hair, looking down to see her breast fully exposed to every slobbering loser who could sneak into the show.

Notice her fiery eyes. I think she’s just reached her “WTF moment.”  Her hands are twitching, steam is about to shoot from her ears, and I bet she is trying to recall how many bullets are left in the .44 magnum she has in her purse backstage. The next five minutes are NOT likely to be pretty.

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Models present creations by Ukranian designers during Ukrainian Fashion Week in Kiev October 18, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Konstantin Chernichkin

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Blog Guy, you’re always making fun of fashion designers, acting like you think they are worthless, gangrenous canker sores on the buttocks of society.

Wait. You think I’m just acting?

You seem to be all talk and no action. Are you actually DOING anything to make things better?

In fact, yes. I’ve trained my dog as a fashion critic. I take her to the big shows, and she attacks the worst designs, but only when the situation is extreme.

So she doesn’t really LIKE attacking designs?

No. She’d much rather go after the designers.

How much can one dog do to improve things?

Maybe not much, but imagine dozens of trained fashion-critic dogs going wild at a spring/summer show in Paris. And dogs on the catwalk are only the first step.

I’m afraid to ask. What would be the next step?

In a perfect world? Dingos. Hyenas. Jackals. Wolverines…

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A dog chases a mock intruder during a function to celebrate the 25th Raising Day of the Indian National Security Guard in Manesar, south of New Delhi, October 16, 2009. REUTERS/Adnan Abidi

A model presents a creation by British designer John Galliano as part of his Spring/Summer 2010 women’s collection during Paris Fashion Week October 7, 2009. REUTERS/Jacky Naegelen 

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Lamar, you mark my words, tonight is a turning point in our luck with the babes.

But it don’t make sense, Clancy. Why would professional models date guys like us?

I don’t know, but my friend says they worked the Paris Fashion Week, and they’re coming here straight from the show. You don’t get to be a model unless you’re hot!  So just chill, Lamar, I’ll let you know when I see them coming… OH MY LORD!

Holy crap, Clancy! They’re zombies! And not the attractive kind! It’s a festering skankfest of brain-eaters!

Well Lamar, that’s just two of ‘em. There’s supposed to be a third, and she’s gotta be better than that. When she gets here, she’s MINE!

Forget it, Clancy, she’s MINE!

I swear I’ll kill you with this salad fork, Lamar! Number three is MINE!

Um, Clancy. Don’t turn around. Okay, you win, number three is all yours…

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Above: Models present creations by British fashion designer Vivienne Westwood as part of her Spring/Summer 2010 collection during Paris Fashion Week, October 2, 2009.

Below: A model presents a creation by British designer John Galliano as part of his Spring/Summer 2010 women’s collection for Cacharel house during Paris Fashion Week, October 7, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Jacky Naegelen

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I am just SO danged proud of all you readers!

Despite my sacred vow that you will never learn anything from my blog, when you found out here that actress Megan Fox has a quote from “King Lear” tattooed on her back, you made it the most popular post of the month!

All’s I can figure is, all you crazy Shakespeare lovers wanted to memorize the full quote!

Not only that, you were sensitive enough not to point out that this unfortunate woman seems to have little control over her tongue, which simply lolls around in many photos.

You’ve made me so proud. Group hug, everybody!

And now, your five favorite posts for September:

5.Wanna come back to my place, human?

4.Them flip-flops ain’t makin it, honey!

3. Major movie star goes nuts?

2. That picture is too EXTREME!

1. Learing at super-hot actress

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Above: Actress Megan Fox attends premiere of movie “Eagle Eye” in 2008 file photo. REUTERS/ Mario Anzuoni

Bottom: Fox, star of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”, poses at the film’s premiere in Los Angeles, June 22, 2009. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

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