I am just SO danged proud of all you readers!

Despite my sacred vow that you will never learn anything from my blog, when you found out here that actress Megan Fox has a quote from “King Lear” tattooed on her back, you made it the most popular post of the month!

All’s I can figure is, all you crazy Shakespeare lovers wanted to memorize the full quote!

Not only that, you were sensitive enough not to point out that this unfortunate woman seems to have little control over her tongue, which simply lolls around in many photos.

You’ve made me so proud. Group hug, everybody!

And now, your five favorite posts for September:

5.Wanna come back to my place, human?

4.Them flip-flops ain’t makin it, honey!

3. Major movie star goes nuts?

2. That picture is too EXTREME!

1. Learing at super-hot actress

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Above: Actress Megan Fox attends premiere of movie “Eagle Eye” in 2008 file photo. REUTERS/ Mario Anzuoni

Bottom: Fox, star of “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”, poses at the film’s premiere in Los Angeles, June 22, 2009. REUTERS/Fred Prouser

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It’s time to release this blog’s five most popular posts for August, and it underscores that every month I learn something new about my readers’ interests.

For instance, from the wildly popular item illustrated by this photo on the left, I learned that readers of this blog are very curious about special warfare in South Korea.

Who on earth would ever have guessed that?

Almost as baffling, it turned out readers are also quite interested in the nation of Iceland, and especially in the welfare of that country’s contestant in the Miss Universe competition.

So anyway, starting tomorrow this blog will deal in nothing but detailed reports on Iceland and the South Korean military. Go wild, readers!

Meanwhile, these were the top five for last month:

5. And, the ice is free here!

4. Presenting the butt-naked diet!

3. What could go wrong with a vasectomy?

2. Another chick with huge mugs

And the post with the most traffic for August:

1. These guys are special forces, huh?

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Above: South Korean special warfare command soldiers exercise before they conduct a sea infiltration drill, August 5, 2009. REUTERS/Choi Bu-Seok

Below: Ingibjorg Egilsdottir, Miss Iceland 2009, poses on Paradise Island, The Bahamas, in this August 2, 2009 handout photo. REUTERS/Miss Universe Organization L.P.,LLLP/Handout

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Blog Guy, you’ve set up amazing fantasy photos for readers, and now it’s my turn. It won’t be easy. I want Miss Universe and Miss USA together, on top of a skyscraper.

I think I can manage that.

There’s more. They must be holding a box of fancy cupcakes.

Cripes, that’s tough. Beauty queens won’t go CLOSE to tempting desserts!

That’s your problem, Blog Guy. That’s why you make the medium-size bucks. One more little thing. I want them using a futuristic death ray, incinerating people for fun.

You want them smiling and shooting folks with a death ray?

I’m talking mindless bliss, as they obliterate unsuspecting tourists. I don’t want to see a single thought in their heads.

Here you go. Two gorgeous, grinning empty skulls, amid an orgy of sticky cupcakes and incinerated pedestrians. Zzzzzzst! Sizzle! Zzzzzzst!

This is FAR better than I ever dreamed! I’ll never doubt you again, Blog Guy!

Good. Hey, don’t point that thing at ME, ladies!

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Miss Universe, Stefania Fernandez, of Venezuela and Miss USA, Kristen Dalton (R), pose on the observation deck at Rockefeller Center in New York, September 2, 2009. REUTERS photos by Lucas Jackson

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Now don’t panic, readers. Appearances can be deceiving. I know it LOOKS like these folks have hooks piercing their skin, but in reality…

Oh, sorry. It turns out that IS what’s going on here.

“Bye Brenda, you have fun with your friends at the tattoo convention, and be careful!”

“Oh Ma, don’t worry! Before I let them touch me with a needle, I’ll make sure I’ve got razor-sharp steel hooks through my skin, so the ink won’t run all over.”

“Of course dear, but with that swine flu going around you can’t be too careful.”

“Jeez, Ma, it’s just hooks and cables and needles and ink! And besides, it’s COLOMBIA, for Lord’s sake, one of the safest places on earth!”

“I know, just remember to look your best, in case you meet a nice young man at the convention!”

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A man is suspended on hooks pierced through his skin during International Tattoo Convention in Bogota, August 16, 2009.

A woman has her chest tattooed as hooks are pierced through her skin during the convention.

REUTERS photos by Fredy Builes

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Okay, members of the Iceland Citizens Group, thanks for coming on such short notice. You all know the problem.

Ingibjorg Egilsdottir, Miss Iceland, is frolicking in the Bahamas before the Miss Universe Pageant, and - I’ll be very blunt - when it’s over, why in God’s name would she leave there and return to a place called Iceland?

So, we’ve made a great list of reasons she should come home when the pageant is over:

5. Our food! Two words: liver sausage!

3. You don’t know anybody. You’ll be lonely in The Bahamas.

2. Your clothes are back in Iceland. You’ll have nothing to wear!

And the number one reason for you to come home to Iceland:

1. It’s August! Any day now, a tourist will come!

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Ingibjorg Egilsdottir, Miss Iceland 2009, ahead of the Miss Universe 2009 pageant in the Bahamas. Miss Universe 2009 will be crowned on August 23. REUTERS /Miss Universe Organization L.P., LLLP/Handouts

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Blog Guy, it’s been a while since you spotted a new sign of the onrushing Apocalypse. I guess things must be getting a little better?

Hardly. The Apocalyptic story of the year is this week’s “One dead in ear-cleaning salon attack.”

To Apocalypse watchers it might as well say, “Enormous asteroid hurtles toward Muncie.”

I mean, gosh. what are the chances a place where men go to rest their heads on a woman’s lap and get their ears cleaned might attract some nutjobs?

Ah, I get you. You’re saying those places should be banned?

Heck no. I’m just saying the swabs they use should be six inches longer, red-hot and pointed at the end.

Don’t hold back, Blog Guy. You don’t think ear-cleaning salons are a good idea?

No. Why can’t those guys just go through a car wash with the windows down, like the rest of us?

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Right: A woman, complete with special gadgets, tends to a customer at a park in Changzhou, China, in a 2002 file photo. The practitioner renders ear-cleaning, head and body massage and acupressure services.
REUTERS/Claro Cortes IV

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Welcome back to our occasional feature called What Year is this Again? in which we offer up stories that may lack humor, but which cause us to question whether we have gone back in time.

Today, a couple of items make me fear yesterday’s solar eclipse may have warped us back a few centuries.

First, from a state in eastern India, comes news that farmers there have asked their unmarried daughters to plow parched fields NAKED, in a bid to embarrass the weather gods to bring some badly needed monsoon rain.

Don’t go back and read that sentence again, you got it right the first time.

But that’s not all. Turning our attention to Northern Ireland, it seems they held the first-ever Irish Wolf Whistling Championships yesterday.

A hotel offered online contacts for those who might like to participate by “parading down the street to be whistled at…” In fairness, that also included men dressed as women, which I guess is progress.

Please, somebody help me out with the current year? I thought it started with a “2.”

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Above: Women run for shelter during heavy rains in the northern Indian city of Chandigarh July 23, 2009. REUTERS /Ajay Verma

Left: Competitors stand on scaffolding as they take part in the Irish Wolf Whistling championships in Irvinestown, July 22, 2009. REUTERS/ Cathal McNaughton

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Fashion staff, this new push-up product of ours is going to turn the beauty business upside down!

Look at this pathetic Victoria’s Secret model showing off their push-up bra. Who needs that? Bosoms are SO last year. Just ask any guy.

Which is where our product comes in. Get ready for the age of the CLAVICLE! That’s right, collar bones ARE the new breasts!

See the hot model in the photo below? See how sensuous her clavicles look when they’re pushed up by our new miracle garment?

Now, for under $30, every woman in America can look like she’s had expensive Clavicle Enhancement Surgery, just like the movie stars have.

It’s a new ballgame, guys. Second base now starts at the neck!

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Above: Victoria’s Secret Angel Miranda Kerr introduces their new line of Dream Angel push up bras in New York April 7, 2009. REUTERS/Brendan McDermid

Left: A model presents a creation from Teca’s 2010 spring/summer collection during Fashion Rio Show in Rio de Janeiro June 7, 2009. REUTERS/Alex Carvalho

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Oh my God!

Ralphie, what’s wrong?

That chick coming this way. That’s my Internet date! I recognize her from her picture, and I think she’s really pissed!

No! Nobody uses their real picture online! What does she think YOU look like?

I may have sent her a shot of Hugh Jackman. What the hell am I going to say to her? What if the OTHER stuff she told me about herself is true, too?

Like what?

Like she’s a Supreme Imperial Goddess from another galaxy and she’s here to meet guys to see if her people will let us live! She says she has SUPERPOWERS! Do you think she does?

Are you out of your mind, Ralph? Look at her! How could she NOT have superpowers? You think maybe she’ll just kill YOU and spare the rest of us?

Hamana-hamana-hamana

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A model presents the latest collection by Larisa Katz of the Netherlands at a show during Bahrain Fashion Week in Manama, May 30, 2009. REUTERS/Hamad I Mohammed

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Great news for you chicks who want someone using razor-sharp scissors on your neck and head while balanced upside-down!

Meet Wang Xiaoyu, who has more years of experience at kung fu than at barbering, something I myself look for in a stylist.

Wang is trying to attract more customers by cutting hair while doing a headstand. I’m not making this up.

I happen to think he’s onto something smart, judging from the stuff I hear women saying to each other.

“Hey Ann, you still going to Jean-Pierre?”

“No, he stands upright all the time and just styles hair. What’s the fun in that?”

“I hear you! I’m looking for a guy to cut my hair while riding a unicycle, or maybe while sitting in a vibrating chair.”

“I know, girlfriend! I’m looking for a stylist who’s blindfolded, or at least upside-down. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

“Yes! Wang! Wang! Grab your head-bandages and let’s go!”

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Wang Xiaoyu, 35, gives a model a haircut while standing on his head near his barbershop in Changsha, Hunan Province May 22, 2009. Wang, a barber of 15 years, has had 18 years of training in kung fu. REUTERS/ Stringer

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