Blog Guy, you’re an expert on police operations around the world, right?

Okay.

So I was wondering, what are the very best and very worst police departments? I’m counting on you.

The worst may be these police in Mumbai.

Check out this photo. Looks like all of them are groping for bullets while balancing their rifles between their knees, with the barrels pointed up towards their faces.

It seems like a Deputy Barney Fife moment if ever there was one. I have another photo taken 20 seconds later, but it’s a bit grisly to use here.

And the very best unit?

I’d have to say the Dominican Republic Police Department, which appears to be made up entirely of models in skimpy bikinis. I believe the officer saluting here is a captain.

She’s a COP?  Man, I’d like to cop…

Stop right there! This is a sophisticated blog, Buster, so just keep those cheap pool hall lines to yourself!

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Above: Policemen prepare to fire their weapons to pay homage to their fallen colleagues on Police Commemoration Day in Mumbai October 21, 2009. REUTERS/Arko Datta

Below: A model displays a creation by Puerto Rico designer Ecliptica at a fashion show during the Dominicana fashion week in Santo Domingo, October 20, 2009. REUTERS/Eduardo Munoz

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It’s time to release this blog’s five most popular posts for August, and it underscores that every month I learn something new about my readers’ interests.

For instance, from the wildly popular item illustrated by this photo on the left, I learned that readers of this blog are very curious about special warfare in South Korea.

Who on earth would ever have guessed that?

Almost as baffling, it turned out readers are also quite interested in the nation of Iceland, and especially in the welfare of that country’s contestant in the Miss Universe competition.

So anyway, starting tomorrow this blog will deal in nothing but detailed reports on Iceland and the South Korean military. Go wild, readers!

Meanwhile, these were the top five for last month:

5. And, the ice is free here!

4. Presenting the butt-naked diet!

3. What could go wrong with a vasectomy?

2. Another chick with huge mugs

And the post with the most traffic for August:

1. These guys are special forces, huh?

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Above: South Korean special warfare command soldiers exercise before they conduct a sea infiltration drill, August 5, 2009. REUTERS/Choi Bu-Seok

Below: Ingibjorg Egilsdottir, Miss Iceland 2009, poses on Paradise Island, The Bahamas, in this August 2, 2009 handout photo. REUTERS/Miss Universe Organization L.P.,LLLP/Handout

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Blog Guy, I’m hoping you can help me out with a fashion dilemma.

I’m a gal who likes wearing a comfy bikini on a sun-drenched beach vacation. But if there’s a really hunky guy there, I want to look my natural best, which includes enhancing my swimsuit with padding to make my you-know-whats look big.

Your feet?

No. Think about it, Blog Guy. Anyway, of course by the time I spot the hunk it’s too late to run back to the changing room, so what am I to do?

Say no more. Check out the “Quickini,” from a fashion show today. It’s the answer to your problem.

This chick is listening carefully for the sound of other women laughing and flirting behind her, a sure sign that a muscle-bound hunk is coming up. A quick flip of the Quickini pads hanging on her shoulders, and they’re in place to make her look like she’s so top-heavy she can barely stand up!

That’s perfect! But what happens if the hunk still doesn’t notice me?

I wouldn’t worry too much about that as long as he’s breathing.

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A model presents a creation by Turkish designer Idil Tarzi during a fashion show at the Istanbul Fashion Days, August 27, 2009. REUTERS/Murad Sezer

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Okay, members of the Iceland Citizens Group, thanks for coming on such short notice. You all know the problem.

Ingibjorg Egilsdottir, Miss Iceland, is frolicking in the Bahamas before the Miss Universe Pageant, and - I’ll be very blunt - when it’s over, why in God’s name would she leave there and return to a place called Iceland?

So, we’ve made a great list of reasons she should come home when the pageant is over:

5. Our food! Two words: liver sausage!

3. You don’t know anybody. You’ll be lonely in The Bahamas.

2. Your clothes are back in Iceland. You’ll have nothing to wear!

And the number one reason for you to come home to Iceland:

1. It’s August! Any day now, a tourist will come!

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Ingibjorg Egilsdottir, Miss Iceland 2009, ahead of the Miss Universe 2009 pageant in the Bahamas. Miss Universe 2009 will be crowned on August 23. REUTERS /Miss Universe Organization L.P., LLLP/Handouts

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Welcome to my brand new feature which I call, What Don’t We Need, Bob?

The rules are fairly simple. I’ll list some stuff, and you figure out what we can do without. It’s fun, let’s try it!

1) World peace

2. Free first class upgrades

3) A cure for lupus

4) Outdoor air conditioning

5} Swimsuits that look like lederhosen

Very good! ALL of you were quick to identify traditional Bavarian leather trousers as something that we don’t really need in swimsuit form in our lifetime.

Of course, I wouldn’t completely discount the obvious physical humor in watching tight-fitting leather shorts get soaked and start to shrink, but still…

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Upper left: A model, wearing a bathing suit designed like traditional Austrian leather trousers, poses during the presentation of a new swimsuit collection in Vienna August 7, 2009. REUTERS/Leonhard Foeger

Upper right: Chinese President Jiang Zemin poses with a farmer wearing traditional Bavarian lederhosen during a visit to a Bavarian farmhouse in a 1995 file photo. REUTERS/ Wolfgang Rattay

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I have to admit July was kind of a goofy month for this blog, and I found that no matter how close I got to the edge, lots of you were right there with me, clicking and reading.

That’s right, you folks played along with the soldier and the melons, the nose-picker, the horrible swim-up bar, even, amazingly, the real honest-to-God snake oil salesman.

Here then, based on reader traffic, were my five most popular posts for July:

5. Who was that guy laughing during the memorial?

4. He’s pickin’ his nose in every shot!

3. Nice melons, soldier!

2. The WORST swim-up bar ever!

And the number one most popular post in this blog for July…

1. We found him! He really exists!

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A model presents a creation by designer Paraiso for Colombia’s brand Armonia in Cali, July 9, 2009. REUTERS /Jaime Saldarriaga

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Herb, Lonnie, we need to talk.

See, when I invited you to meet me here at the beach to cruise for chicks, and I told you to wear hats because of the bright sun, well…

Let me put it this way. You see this baseball cap I’m wearing? Well, that’s okay. Or maybe a straw hat or some such.

But guys, I just don’t see a lot of hot babes flocking around dudes wearing hats like yours, except maybe to take snapshots with their phones and roll in the sand laughing until beer comes out of their nose.

What? Well, I don’t CARE if you bought the hats in the Dominican Republic. If that’s what the guys wear over there, the beach scene must be a lot different.

Okay guys, now, a word about your stiletto heels…

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Models display creations by Dominican designer Robert Flores during Republica Dominicana Fashion Week 2009 in Santo Domingo June 2, 2009. REUTERS/ Eduardo Munoz

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Hey Blog Guy, it seems like you’re always sort of making fun of fashion models. Why don’t you just once listen to what they have to say, and learn something?

That’s good advice. It so happens we have a video report on supermodel Bar Refaeli, who was the cover model for this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. She must have something to say, right?

I watched the entire two-minute report, so you don’t need to, and here are the best quotes - the ones that really made me stop and think:

“I’m always on the go. I travel a lot.”

“People have a tendency when they shoot me to put me in very little clothes.”

“I’ve tried on thousands of bikinis.”

“I will make my dream come true and find the perfect little bikini.”

So there you have it, a supermodel with a dream. And by God I bet she finds it, and I bet she sells it for $120.00. At least that’s what the video says.

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Above: Israeli model Bar Rafaeli in screen grab from video report.

Below: Rafaeli in 2007 file photo. REUTERS/ Alessandro Bianchi

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Let’s face it, the human skeleton is a sexy thing. You take a bunch of bare bones, add a bikini, and you’ve got the makings of a beauty queen, right?

No, I don’t think so either, I just wanted to prepare readers for a controversy in Australia, where a contestant in the Miss Universe Australia pageant was 5′11″ tall but weighed only 108 pounds.

You can see Stephanie Naumoska on the left, compared with a human skull, believed to be the look she was going for.

Stephanie didn’t win the title - that went to a woman with actual flesh - but she got close enough to ignite a scandal. Our story mentions the “glittering” finals of the event, although in fairness Stephanie collapsed when a piece of the glitter actually landed on her, and couldn’t get up until it was lifted off.

The pageant director says Stephanie is of Macedonian heritage, thus accounting for her extreme thinness, but a nutritionist told an Australian newspaper there’s no such thing as a fricking Macedonian body type, and so the controversy continues.

Our handout from the pageant warns that Stephanie’s photo can’t be used for advertising. Call me crazy, but I don’t think they’re going to have a problem with that.

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Sydney model Stephanie Naumoska poses in a bikini in Sydney, April 21, 2009. REUTERS/ Miss Universe Australia/Handout FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

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Ladies, it’s been years in the making, but thanks to genuine Midwestern Storm Cellar Door Technology, we’re proud to unveil the miracle Trashy Flashy dress!

How many times has this happened to you? You’re walking along on a sunny June day, and you’re like, ‘D’oh! It’s so nice out, if only I could get some sun!”

Well, the Trashy Flashy lets you catch the rays with the flick of your wrists!

But wait, there’s more!

You know how you suddenly see a real cute guy, and you’d like to flirt but he looks too fricking dimwitted to notice a wink?

Here’s the answer! The Trashy Flashy lets  you give him a a quick preview. You flash those doors, and before you know it, he’ll be telling his wife he has to work late!

And STILL there’s MORE! The Trashy Flashy lets you have abdominal surgery, without even disrobing!

Gals, we couldn’t call it a miracle unless it really was one. And remember, the bikini underneath is purely optional!

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A combination picture shows a model displaying a creation as part of the Agatha Ruiz De La Prada Fall/Winter 2009/10 women’s collection during Milan Fashion Week March 3, 2009 REUTERS/ Alessandro Garofalo

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