Herb, Lonnie, we need to talk.

See, when I invited you to meet me here at the beach to cruise for chicks, and I told you to wear hats because of the bright sun, well…

Let me put it this way. You see this baseball cap I’m wearing? Well, that’s okay. Or maybe a straw hat or some such.

But guys, I just don’t see a lot of hot babes flocking around dudes wearing hats like yours, except maybe to take snapshots with their phones and roll in the sand laughing until beer comes out of their nose.

What? Well, I don’t CARE if you bought the hats in the Dominican Republic. If that’s what the guys wear over there, the beach scene must be a lot different.

Okay guys, now, a word about your stiletto heels…

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Models display creations by Dominican designer Robert Flores during Republica Dominicana Fashion Week 2009 in Santo Domingo June 2, 2009. REUTERS/ Eduardo Munoz

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Hey Blog Guy, it seems like you’re always sort of making fun of fashion models. Why don’t you just once listen to what they have to say, and learn something?

That’s good advice. It so happens we have a video report on supermodel Bar Refaeli, who was the cover model for this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. She must have something to say, right?

I watched the entire two-minute report, so you don’t need to, and here are the best quotes - the ones that really made me stop and think:

“I’m always on the go. I travel a lot.”

“People have a tendency when they shoot me to put me in very little clothes.”

“I’ve tried on thousands of bikinis.”

“I will make my dream come true and find the perfect little bikini.”

So there you have it, a supermodel with a dream. And by God I bet she finds it, and I bet she sells it for $120.00. At least that’s what the video says.

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Above: Israeli model Bar Rafaeli in screen grab from video report.

Below: Rafaeli in 2007 file photo. REUTERS/ Alessandro Bianchi

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Let’s face it, the human skeleton is a sexy thing. You take a bunch of bare bones, add a bikini, and you’ve got the makings of a beauty queen, right?

No, I don’t think so either, I just wanted to prepare readers for a controversy in Australia, where a contestant in the Miss Universe Australia pageant was 5′11″ tall but weighed only 108 pounds.

You can see Stephanie Naumoska on the left, compared with a human skull, believed to be the look she was going for.

Stephanie didn’t win the title - that went to a woman with actual flesh - but she got close enough to ignite a scandal. Our story mentions the “glittering” finals of the event, although in fairness Stephanie collapsed when a piece of the glitter actually landed on her, and couldn’t get up until it was lifted off.

The pageant director says Stephanie is of Macedonian heritage, thus accounting for her extreme thinness, but a nutritionist told an Australian newspaper there’s no such thing as a fricking Macedonian body type, and so the controversy continues.

Our handout from the pageant warns that Stephanie’s photo can’t be used for advertising. Call me crazy, but I don’t think they’re going to have a problem with that.

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Sydney model Stephanie Naumoska poses in a bikini in Sydney, April 21, 2009. REUTERS/ Miss Universe Australia/Handout FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

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Ladies, it’s been years in the making, but thanks to genuine Midwestern Storm Cellar Door Technology, we’re proud to unveil the miracle Trashy Flashy dress!

How many times has this happened to you? You’re walking along on a sunny June day, and you’re like, ‘D’oh! It’s so nice out, if only I could get some sun!”

Well, the Trashy Flashy lets you catch the rays with the flick of your wrists!

But wait, there’s more!

You know how you suddenly see a real cute guy, and you’d like to flirt but he looks too fricking dimwitted to notice a wink?

Here’s the answer! The Trashy Flashy lets  you give him a a quick preview. You flash those doors, and before you know it, he’ll be telling his wife he has to work late!

And STILL there’s MORE! The Trashy Flashy lets you have abdominal surgery, without even disrobing!

Gals, we couldn’t call it a miracle unless it really was one. And remember, the bikini underneath is purely optional!

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A combination picture shows a model displaying a creation as part of the Agatha Ruiz De La Prada Fall/Winter 2009/10 women’s collection during Milan Fashion Week March 3, 2009 REUTERS/ Alessandro Garofalo

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Blog Guy, I’ve noticed Reuters uses the word “reveler” quite often. I don’t know what that means.

Reveler is a useful noun with a variety of meanings:

1. Somebody who spills a jar of toothpicks on her head

2. A person who has difficulty eating corn-on-the-cob

3. A dude who is eaten alive by a crocodile

4. A guy who for some reason, possibly involving a lot of rum, thinks getting painted green is just a heck of a good idea

5. A chick who is carried away by a large white bird as she’s heading for the beach in her bikini

Thanks! It must have been difficult finding specific illustrations for each definition.

No, not really.

Happy birthday to Dr. Doll, a regular commenter here.

Revel without a pause, slideshow

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Above: A reveller of Portela samba school dances during the Carnival parade in Rio de Janeiro’s Sambadrome, February 24, 2009. REUTERS/Sergio Moraes

Below:Reveler in La Vega, Dominican Republic. REUTERS/Eduardo Munoz

Reveler in Barranquilla, Colombia. REUTERS/John Vizcaino

Reveler in Rio de Janeiro, REUTERS/Bruno Domingos

Reveler in Port-of-Spain, Trinidad and Tobago REUTERS/Jorge Silva

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Congratulate me, Blog Guy!

Why?

I enlisted in the Navy!

Awesome. Which one?

There’s more than one?

Sure. There’s the regular U.S. Navy, and then there’s the Victoria’s Secret Navy.They’re both recruiting now.

And the difference? I’m afraid to ask.

Well, you know about the regular navy. Ships, planes, attacks, torpedoes, surface-to-air missiles…  But in the OTHER navy, you mostly ride around on yachts filled with Victoria’s Secret lingerie supermodels, taking them to different places in the Caribbean, opening champagne, slathering tanning oil on them, stuff like that.

Jeez Louise! Is it too late for me to…

Yep.

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Victoria’s Secret models arrive on a yacht to the Fontainebleau resort in Miami Beach November 14, 2008. REUTERS/Carlos Barria

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Memo to fashion show staff: Well, clearly I was wrong. I admit it was my bright idea to fire the backstage dressers and just have the models dress themselves for our show.

What a disaster that was! Herb forgot to wear trousers, he didn’t button his shirt, and his tie looked like the work of a serial strangler.

As for Mona,  well… Let’s just say she wore THREE pairs of underpants, and her bikini top looked great except she put it on over a t-shirt!

And while we’re on the subject of Mona, doesn’t she know she’s NOT supposed to purge her lunch out on the runway? We lost the entire front row of fashion editors! I’ll tell you, they won’t be back.

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Model display a creation at the GUT’S DYNAMITE CABARETS 2009 Spring/Summer collection fashion show during Japan Fashion Week in Tokyo, September 4, 2008. REUTERS/Michael Caronna

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Memo to sales staff: Okay, what do we do when our swimwear business is slow? We invent a brand-new piece of clothing that people never even knew they needed.

So, I’m proud to unveil the SHOULDER DOILY! Every woman is going to want one. These thick woolen garments will have you sweating like a pig under the hot sun, sending attractive rivulets of flop sweat cascading down your stomach. All the fun of a sauna, all day long!

And, they send a playful message: “Hey, Big Boy! I bought a bikini to expose a lot of flesh, and now I’m covering it up with this thing, so maybe I’m conflicted. Are you feeling lucky today?”

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A model walks the runway wearing Custo Barcelona creation by designer Custo Dalmau of Spain during ColombiaModa fashion show in Medellin July 31, 2008. REUTERS/Fredy Amariles

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Okay, you’ve had plenty of time to place your bets - which we don’t condone - so it’s time to reveal this blog’s most-read posts for July. There is no common thread except weirdness in general. It appears my readers have a healthy range of interests, from Hitler decapitations, to bikinis, to stupid fashions.

If you’re reading these results on a sandy beach using a wireless device, stand up now and shout, “Is everybody here a member of the Oddly Enough blog network?

5. I can text-message with my bosom!

4. Suddenly she recoiled in horror…

3. Attack of the 50-foot bikini model!

2. Just pull the trigger - aiming is overrated!

1. Big furore over waxy fuehrer

Most popular from past months

A model shows a creation from the label ‘Susanne Wiebe’ during ‘Fashionweek Berlin Spring Summer 2009 ‘ in Berlin, July 17, 2008.  REUTERS/Tobias Schwarz

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“See a female colossus… her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs, giant desires!”

The year was 1958, and the big schlocko summer B-movie was “Attack of the 50-Foot Woman,” about this wife who grows to enormous size and goes after her cheating  husband. It was not a true story.

Fast-forward exactly half a century to 2008, and what I gather must be a remake of that movie, judging from the photo below. But unlike all those other stupid movie remakes I complain about, the time could be right for this one.

For women movie-goers it offers a tale of empowerment, social justice and vengeance against a pig husband. For guys, it offers, well, a hot Amazonian chick in a bikini and stiletto heels. Where are the drive-in movies when we really need them?

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Above: 1958 movie poster

Below: 6′5″ tall model Iwona poses with spectators in front of Potsdamer Platz square in a bikini by German designer Torsten Amft to promote his show at the upcoming Berlin Fashion Week in Berlin July 12, 2008.  REUTERS/ Hannibal Hanschke

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