Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
A skeleton crew of bikini models?
Ah, this is the life, right Lamar? Fashion Week in Brazil, where the women are gorgeous and shapely and we can really show off our most daring bikinis.
I hope you’ve gone all-out to get us some great-looking… OMG! What do you call THAT?
That’s our bikini model, Boss. Too fat?
Lamar, you dimwit! No woman is going to buy one of our swimsuits to try and look like that bony twig! Cripes, I’m afraid she’ll have a wardrobe malfunction when her shoulder blade cuts through the bra strap!
Don’t be so negative, Boss. Give me a couple of days of feeding her doughnuts and milkshakes nonstop, and we can bulk her up to a size zero. Trust me, she’ll be up to 70 pounds by Monday.
And besides, how was I supposed to know she was too thin?
Maybe they’re just grimacing in pain?
People, we know why we’re here. Our public relations firm has been hired by a bodybuilding association to improve their image, since focus groups tend to describe bodybuilders as freakish, grotesque, disgusting and hideous.
So. Who’s got some ideas. Lamar, you raised your hand?
Yeah Boss, I’ve got a suggestion. I think if we just got them to smile all the time while they’re onstage, people wouldn’t notice the rest of it.
Smile?
Sure. Think about it. Everybody loves seeing a happy person. Look, let me prove it to you.
Okay, send that grinning creep show out here! Amazing, huh Boss?
Drinking in bed, in an ocean of red…
Blog Guy, what happened? You kind of left us hanging. You were about to crown a new Queen of the Entire World a couple of weeks ago, and it was down to two candidates.
Remember? One was in a giant feathered headdress and the other was just back from the longest Ash Wednesday service in history.
Yes, I do remember. We interviewed both of them and it turned out they didn’t have the three things we look for in a Queen of the Entire World.
Really? What are they?
Red satin sheets, red bikini, red wine.
Maybe it would help if you made those assets clear to all the contestants.
Hey Mr. B! You could move back to that city and start a herb-growing business.
Imagine it – Basler’s Basel Basil, by the bagful.
Give us a big smile, your majesty!
Say, Blog Guy, whatever happened to that coveted position you used to write about, the Queen of the Entire World?
I remember you used to tell us whenever someone new got the title, but that motorcycle chick in the gold lamé swimsuit and stilettos seems to have reigned for some time now.
Yeah, we’ve all been busy with other things, so thanks for reminding me. It turns out there is a very good new candidate for the title.
Do tell!
How does this sound? Blue knit bikini, billowing aqua cape and a giant feathered headdress….
What about her shoes?
Seriously BG, thats a huge number… Ok, you are given one day… I want to see the 200,000 applications on my desk tomorrow morning… and NO excuses…
If you dont…then you have to show up at an University of Wisconsin Alumni convention in your goofy museum regalia…
What say, OE commentators?
Count me in! Do you take plastic?
I guess I don’t get out enough. I admit there is lots of stuff I don’t understand.
But please. Here we have photos from the Miss Plastic Hungary beauty pageant, an event aimed at honoring people “who have had some type of aesthetic surgery.”
First of all, really? We’ve now sunk so low as a civilization that we give tiaras to folks who have done the best job of altering their natural appearance?
Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for the new Miss Plastic! Isn’t she incredible? She doesn’t look like herself at all, does she?
Or, to borrow some synonyms for plastic from the thesaurus: false, phony, pseudo, synthetic, unnatural… Stop me if you hear a word you consider a compliment.
Now that we know this pageant is a sure sign of the onrushing Apocalypse, let’s move on to the next obvious question. If honoring plastic is what it’s all about, then how did they overlook some of the GIANTS of plastic?
Not another polish joke!
Get your butt in my office right now, Lamar! What’s going on out there? The fashion show starts in 30 minutes!
Boss! You told me to make sure all the girls had bikini waxes. I bought a whole case of Kiwi wax and some rollers. We got oxblood, dark brown, black….
Guess you could say I’ve taken a shine to the girls, heh heh heh…
Lamar, you simpleton! You bonehead! A bikini wax is…. Oh, never mind!
Now I’ve got two dozen models that look like penny loafers! Oh, this is a disaster! And how come some of the girls are screaming?
Oh, that. Well, you said to make sure the models could have a Brazilian wax if they wanted.
This is one REALLY goofy hobby!
I know it’s only November 2, but I am confident that we have found the “Euphemism of the Month” already.
The photo captions say we’re seeing these women “prepare” for an amateur bodybuilding tournament. Excuse me?
“Hulga, will you help me ‘prepare’ by writing ‘good luck’ on my butt with a Magic Marker?”
“Girls, it’s tanning oil time! Wrap your bikinis in cellophane and grab those paint rollers! Let’s prepare!”
I know I don’t get out enough, but I don’t think I want a hobby that requires this sort of “preparation.” I do have a couple of thoughts about this, though.
First, it seems these photos were taken backstage. If I were planning this thing, I’d figure the audience would pay extra to watch this stuff onstage.
What the hell is my hand doing up here?
There it is again.
The lady in the photo above is Jimena Navarrete, who was crowned Miss Universe just a couple of days ago. The one on the right is another contestant, Miss Brazil.
Both of them are doing this wacky glam pose that I guess somebody thought was sexy 100 years ago, and it just never went away.
You know the one I mean, where a woman puts one hand behind her head for no apparent reason whatsoever?
Somebody help me out here. Apart from picking head lice out of her scalp, which for all I know may be how the pose began, what possible reason is there for that hand to be there?
My basic working theory, based on no research whatsoever, is that there is a spot in a female’s skull which, when pressure is applied, cuts off all thought waves and allows her to appear totally mindless.
A little west of Budapest?
Yo Blog Guy? You know how you crowned a new Queen of the Entire World about a month ago? Is she still the Queen?
Of course. She has done a wonderful job, considering virtually nothing is expected of her. Why do you ask?
Because I’ve been reading the works of Nostradamus, that 16th century seer who could predict the future, and according to him, there will be a new Queen of the Entire World.
Oh yeah? And just where are we supposed to find this new so-called Queen.
Nostradamus says she will be found “a little west of Budapest.”
Did he give any other clues?
Biker weddings are odd Doc; I went to one on the Millennium New Year’s Day – fancy dress, in church. Groom in colours, bride in an ice queen outfit. I was dressed as a lion. Most people had come straight from the pub to the wedding. One of my friends propositioned me and I panicked and moved to Wales. Weird, WEIRD day.
Action hero bounces a Czech…
Blog Guy, you know those elaborate fantasy photos you set up for readers? It’s my turn.
Well, you know I only set them up if they’re really weird. Otherwise, they bore me. So what’s your fantasy? You have about 20 words to engage my interest…
Mine involves that actor, Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Okay, that’s TOO weird. What’s he doing?
Using his martial arts skills to kick a bottle of wine off the head of this Czech guy.
I guess that’s pretty bizarre, let me get started on it.
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Resident Oddly Enough blog Expert
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Seeing this again I realise that my haiku (above) starting “Five and Five” was not, really, a haiku. Hehehe