Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
The last huzzah?
So this is the end. The last post for this blog.
It’s a good thing we’ve said our farewells, because this is also the last day for new comments.
Today, this site freezes in time. You can always revisit it for a little nostalgia, like that old amusement park in the creepy part of town, with all the chains and cobwebs.
Former presidential candidate Herman Cain was fond of telling his supporters, “Stupid people are ruining America!”
Well, maybe that’s true, Herman, but stupid people also provide cheap entertainment, which is a useful service. We should thank them for it, without using any big words.
My readers, my commenters, my friends, you are the best. You can find me on Facebook. Some of you have even found me in person, so please remember I know how to get restraining orders.
She’s goin’ for your knee again, Ronald
Blog Guy, with your blog going away soon, we need some closure regarding Ronald Basler.
You mean that total stranger whose spam keeps landing in my rbasler e-mail account?
Yeah. Remember, the last time we looked at the spam Ronald seemed to be shopping for a Russian bride, but then it looked like he was being unfaithful to her, getting photos of single women. So what’s he up to now?
I’m still getting mixed signals from his spam. He may be worried about the future, going the tarot card route. He appears to be in a holiday mood, what with a letter from Santa AND personalized Christmas ornaments.
And his career?
He seems to be considering being an event planner, a school counselor or maybe even a marriage counselor, though I’m not sure I’d want marital advice from somebody with his personal track record.
Why do I have the feeling that the remark “Rubbish shoes” from @CrowGirl and the remark “Rubbish shoes” from @Shra have different meanings?
Nine ways to lose weight and live forever
People say to me all the time, “Bob, your blog is SO stupid, how do you get people to read it?”
These folks don’t understand how online journalism works. You can write anything you want, and if you put a good headline on it people will read it. Especially if you hint at immortality, easy weight loss or better sex.
If your headline offers a numbered list, that’s even better. The best thing of all is a moderately clever play on words, which will attract people who think they are smart, and improve your demographics.
Toss in a photo of a nice dog or the Duchess of Cambridge, and it’s a hit.
This is a very good deal, because it means I work about five minutes a day.
Looking back at the blog for this year, here are my favorite headlines. Smart people, come on down!
That dog looks just like Medo the bear, only a few years older. We’ll miss that bear too.
I will be having withdrawal symptoms soon. Maybe I’ll start blogging myself on facebook, and try to honour the BG’s spirit of blogging. Anyone else up for this? Maybe we should do a joint-blog together and give the throne to Mr. Bas himself.
Sorry, you’re not my type…
Hey Blog Guy, it’s me!
Who?
Me! The guy who talks to you in italics so you can carry on pretend conversations in your blog everyday.
You really EXIST? I always thought those conversations were just voices in my head.
I can’t believe you don’t even recognize me. I’ve been working for you for years, playing the dumb guy, acting the straight man in the comedy team while you got all the laughs, being annoyed by your misinformation and puns, and now that your blog is ending in a couple of weeks, you want nothing to do with me?
Jeez, what suddenly made you so bold?
Geez, earlier today I wrote I couldn’t pinpoint a favourite blog but I absolutely loved this one! I want to drive this point Home, this blog shouldn’t be Deleted, it’s a way for many of us to Escape the mundane routine of work and have a few laughs. Who’s in Control at Reuters? They should (caps)lock the dude and Ctrl+Alt+Del his system, this blog should stay, not End this way! I’d understand a Pause, or a Break, but not a Shift to a new direction. In case you’re keeping Tabs, I haven’t used all the keys on the keyboard yet, I’ll leave out a few to give the rest of you some Space to work. Oh, bugger, I didn’t meant to take that one too, Sorry.
Hey, I never said I’m proud of myself!
Blog Guy, I’ve just started a new blog, and I could use some advice from a veteran like yourself. What do you do if you want to get a lot of traffic, but you don’t want to work very hard for it?
That’s called cheap pandering to readers with click-bait, and blogging professionals don’t do it.
Yes, but just between you and me. If you wanted to pander, just once, what would you do?
I’d go for a wide audience. I’d anchor it with a really good new photo of Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge. A close-cropped face shot, just oozing with charm.
Very interesting. And then?
Then I’d raise the stakes with a panda sticking out his tongue or something very cute like that. Pandas are solid gold.
You make me head spin, Spinny!
I love the panda, but I agree with Georgia, none of them are Mr.Fab Abs!
As for the boots, they are quite nice, Dave, but me and thigh high boots just dont go.. might have something to do with my height.
WARNING: avert your gaze!
Blog Guy, as the proprietor of a very visual blog, can you tell me the easiest way to get people to look at a photograph?
Sure. Just tell them not to. It’s simple reverse psychology. For example, DO NOT look at the picture in this blog.
Okie dokie. You got it, Blog Guy.
Wait a minute! Hold on. You’re REALLY not going to look?
Of course not. I know you must have a good reason to tell me not to look, and whatever it is, that’s enough for this simple country girl.
Then you’re one person in a billion. Nobody else would…
Breitling jets fly past?
Just wear your red thong buddy
and pose for the shot!!
Coming soon, the Sound of Stupid…
Blog Guy, I just heard about an exciting project involving your blog. Can you confirm it?
Yes, the last two years of my blog postings are being released as Blogs on Tape, so folks can listen to them in the car, on dates, during court arraignments, whenever.
That’s great! I know it’s important to get the voices right on these audio things. Who are you using?
We assembled a stellar audio team. Actor George Clooney does Blog Guy. Here you can see him cracking up during a recording session, trying to deliver the line, “What do I look like, an ornithologist?” He just loved the material.
Wow, that’s quite a coup! And the all-important voice of your sidekick, Lamar?
That would be Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, seen here playing off of Clooney’s straight lines with his over-the-top wacky rejoinders.
You kids, cut that out!
Blog Guy, we all know you work with Lamar and your two dogs and two cats, but you hardly ever mention the rest of your blog staff. Give us some information about them.
There’s Ray, the typesetter, Duke, who runs the printing presses, there’s Wall Guy, there’s Kelli the photo editor, there’s Julie, our technical…
Wait a second. Stop. Wall Guy?
Sure, the goofy old guy who appears at the hole in the wall at our office and makes sure everybody’s working hard.
You have a hole in your office wall?
Of course. It would be pretty hard to see Wall Guy if we didn’t have the hole, now wouldn’t it?
Spin – if there IS a puppeteer, where did he put his hand?
WARNING: Contents may be too cute for some viewers
Blog Guy, I guess this is a tough time for you. I mean, it’s summer and people are doing other things, so your blog traffic must have dropped.
Yeah, it always plummets during the summer months.
Is there anything you can do to attract readers? You know, any little tricks?
Well, normally when it gets really bad I pay a chimpanzee to feed milk to a tiger cub. Then I get photos that are adorable beyond comprehension, and run them in my blog.
No way! Doesn’t that violate some kind of Blogger Code of Ethics or something?
Only if the blogging authorities catch me doing it. You won’t tell anybody, will you?
Your 40,000 comments are important to us…
Blog Guy, I see in the trade publications that your blog just hit a new milestone.
We have trade publications? Yes, I hit TWO milestones last week. I got my 30,000th follower on my Facebook Blog Network, and incredibly, I got my 40,000th reader comment, more than any of our other blogs.
You’ve had 40,000 comments? That’s amazing! Do you know your regular commenters personally?
No, I believe most of them are being held in secure locations for the good of society.
One of them comments mainly in haiku. One claims to be a swineherd, and another is a lawyer named Doc. One owns a pink pistol and a mandolin in Texas, and one sees his sister in almost every picture I post.
This is George, Daddy Tims favorite Rubber Crab Son, saying thanks to Malteser for referring to Dave and Papa, however they are retired from the United States Marine Corps, not the Army. Doc and Mr B are great Army type guys, but they are not retired from that bit of business.
Pa Rastus disappeared into the clouds on Saturday. Please, if any of you know where he was raptured off to, tell him that his son George wants to know where he hid the TV remote control, please!
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Resident Oddly Enough blog Expert
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It’s not pining, it’s passed on. This blog is no more. It has ceased to be. It’s expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late blog. It’s a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If they hadn’t nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It’s rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-blog.