Blog Guy, I heard there was some kind of financial disaster involving your Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop.

It’s horrible. We spent a huge portion of our 2009 acquisition budget for the photo on the right of comedian Jerry Lewis mugging in Cannes this week. We were told this was the only Jerry Lewis goofy face shot in existence.

And that isn’t true?

What do you think? It turns out that’s all this guy does. You lift a camera within a mile of him, his tongue flops out like he’s on Novocaine.

As far as I can tell, over the last decade he hasn’t made one serious face. Not at funerals, tax audits, not even at “Marley and Me.”

I’m so sorry. How are you going to make up your loss?

Don’t tell anyone, but we have an inside track on buying Jim Carrey’s only known goofy face photo. Our future is riding on this.

It’s not as bad as you’ve heard. join the Oddly Enough blog network

Tweat yourself to this blog on Twitter at rbasler

Above: Comedian Jerry Lewis arrives on the red carpet for the screening of the film “Bright Star” by director Jane Campion at the 62nd Cannes Film Festival, May 15, 2009. REUTERS/Eric Gaillard

Below: Assorted Jerry Lewis goofy faces by Reuters photographers.

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Photos courtesy of Goofy Face Museum and Doughnut Shop

It’s time again for our popular feature called Stuff Maybe We Should Have Explained in the Caption, but Didn’t. We’re told that this designated Swiss defense minister is in his hometown, being congratulated by chimney sweepers.

What? Cripes, I live in a whole neighborhood of Victorian homes festooned with fireplaces, and I’ve never seen this many chimney sweepers together at one time.

What did this guy do, go to a chimney sweeper bar? If you’re a bar owner, would you opt for an after-work crowd of guys with soot from head to toe, leaving their ashy imprints on the pretzel bowl and everything?

“Gents! It’s great to be home again! I’d have come sooner, but I had the flue! Get it?

“Bartender, make me a Burning Santa, and turn on the TV! It’s SWEEPS week!

“Yeah, I got a million chimney jokes! Stick around, boys!’

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Chimney sweepers congratulate designated Swiss Defense Minister Ueli Maurer during a visit to his hometown Hinwil, east of Zurich, December 18, 2008. REUTERS/ Arnd Wiegmann

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Quick quiz: The guy in this photo is saying…

“Hi! Looks like we’re seatmates all the way to Tokyo!” 

“You don’t mind if I fly naked, do ya Bob?

“You take the middle seat. Sometimes I have to get to the lavatory REAL fast!”

“Bob, those bloggers make me CRAZY! I’d love to get my hands on one! So what do YOU do?

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Meir Ezra prepares before competing in the Mr. Israel bodybuiding contest in Tel Aviv August 30, 2008. REUTERS /Sharon Perry

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Dear Patty, I’m afraid Mom has had another setback in the area of hallucinating.

She has been doing so well, but today at breakfast she dropped her fork, crawled over to the next booth to get it, and claimed she saw the Obamas and the Bidens. Like all they have to do with their time is have waffles and patty sausages here at the Yankee Kitchen!

You may disagree, Patty, but I consider this to be even worse than last month, when she saw all four Beatles over there at Applebee’s!

Anyways, we wouldn’t play along with her. Doc told us to just ignore her, and she’ll soon stop making up this hogwash!

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A woman kneels to get her picture taken beside the table of the Obamas and the Bidens at Yankee Kitchen Family Restaurant, during a campaign stop in Boardman, Ohio, August 30, 2008. REUTERS/Jim Young

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Blog Guy, I’ve heard there’s this town someplace that’s completely run by dogs. Could this possibly be true?

Yes, indeed. The dogs were given several acres of wooded land about five years ago, as an experiment to see what they could accomplish.

That’s amazing! So what was the result?

Well, it seems like eating and sleeping were the only things on their to-do list.

I don’t think you’re being fair. Show me some pictures of their downtown!

That’s what you’re seeing here. The rest of the town isn’t this up-market. Of course, the dogs say they’ve done a lot more than a bunch of cats would have. They also say they can make tourists very, very happy, if they ever get any.

Related, sort of: Mutt-mobile: can Spot design your car?

Rescue dogs rest before training as part of the Olympic Rescue Dog Team at a fire-fighting base in Beijing June 5, 2008. REUTERS/Claro Cortes IV

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Quick quiz: In this photo, a cadet is…

• playing the oldest practical joke in the book: “It’s for you, Mr. President!”
• helping Bush leave a voice mail drafting Scott McClellan.
• having Bush call his Latin professor a “big fat poo-poo head”
• dumping his fiancée by having Bush say, “I need Ernie for a secret mission!”

President George Bush talks on cellphone handed to him by a cadet during Air Force Academy graduation in Colorado Springs, Colorado May 28, 2008. REUTERS/Kevin Lamarque

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Recently I told you about Friedrich Schiller, the famous German writer. Folks dug up a skull they thought was his, and then 100 years later they dug up another and debated which one was really him.

Then they dug up the remains of his son and grandson for DNA comparisons, and dug up the grandson’s WIFE, because once you start digging up skulls, it’s so hard to stop.

Well. Scientists have finished testing, and I can tell you which was Schiller. NEITHER one! Yes, those dudes exhumed several generations of Schillers, their spouses, pets, neighbors and proctologists, just to amass a stack of skulls belonging to no one in particular.

So now they have a huge supply of Certified Nobody Skulls which I’m guessing will show up soon on eBay. I just hope they’ve learned a valuable lesson: when famous people die, decapitate them on the spot and save a lot of Sturm und Drang later.

One of the skulls that isn’t Schiller’s is tested. REUTERS/ Handout/MDR

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From Moscow, news that some billionaire is starting a magazine named Snob. I’m serious.

This is a turning point in publishing. If he can market directly to our worst character flaws, watch out! We’ll see slick, glossy magazines like Big Jerky Butthead, and Wanton Hussy.  Subscribe to Town Drunk, and get a year of Stupid Blabbermouth, free!

“Honey, has my April issue of Eternally Damned Adulterer arrived yet?”

“No dear, but your new copy of Slack-Jawed Yokel is on the coffee table.”

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Italian fashion designer Valentino at the Cannes Film Festival in 2007 photo.  REUTERS/Yves Herman

Once upon a time, Grandma sent her three grandchildren into the woods to gather blackberries, so she could make a fine dessert for dinner.

The first child returned with a pail of plump blackberries. The second came back with red holly berries, which happen to be poisonous. The third went into the city, pulled the Big Con Switcheroo on a bunch of dimwit business guys, and brought grandma a bucket of BlackBerry handhelds with high resale value.

Grandma tossed the plump blackberries out for the robins. She baked the holly berries into a festive pie which she sent to the IRS along with her tax check. Then she pawned the handhelds for a bundle, and tonight she’s eating at Cheesecake Factory. The children get their fine dessert, and granny is knocking back Tanqueray martinis like there’s no tomorrow.

And they all lived happily ever-after.

Trashed Blackberry phones in a bucket during the NBC Today Show in New York, April 21, 2008. REUTERS/ Lucas Jackson

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Blog Guy, Where can I buy used underpants belonging to a major drug trafficker?

Boy, I wish you had asked me that yesterday! Down in Brazil they had a huge sale of stuff confiscated from the mansions of a Colombian guy named Juan Carlos Ramirez Abadia.

You mean Lollipop?

Yes. I can see you really know your drug traffickers. Anyway, thousands of people clamored to buy his stuff. I’m not sure how smart that was, though. Sure, Lollipop is spending 30 years in prison, but what do you think he’ll do if he breaks out, which can happen in Brazil?

Uh, track down his underwear and the filthy pond scum who bought it?

Bingo. That’s what I’d do.

More underwear postings and Lollipop sale slideshow

(U.S. State Department handout)

Underwear that belonged to Juan Carlos Ramirez Abadia, alias Lollipop, for sale among  confiscated  items. April 8, 2008.  REUTERS/Rickey Rogers