Oddly Enough Blog

This train is bound for glory, this train

Whoa! Did you see that, Clancy? Looked like Pope Benedict on that train that just went by!

Nah, it couldn’t have been, Lamar.That’s an express and the Pope takes the local.

Couldn’t he take the express and change to the local at 72nd Street?

Yeah, I guess that would work. Maybe he’s running late this morning, or he’s got a sales call before he hits the office.

I seen him once on the F Train. Real friendly guy.

No way! He say anything to you?

Maybe the worst idea EVER?

People ask me where I get all the stupid stuff in this blog, and I have to say, honestly, the best of it is straight out of the news.

Here’s an example. According to an Associated Press story, officials in Georgia are considering saving money by putting prisoners in fire stations.

According to the story, the inmates would respond to all emergencies, including residential fires, alongside “traditional” firefighters.

I guess “traditional” in this sense means men and women who haven’t been convicted of a felony.

The story also says the “traditional” firefighters, who apparently don’t have enough to do in the middle of a roaring blaze, would be trained to guard the inmates working with them.

I am not making this up.

Creepy gets a whole lot creepier

Okay, this story is so disturbing I’m not sure where to begin.

A city in Turkey has equipped the local morgue with the latest gadgetry in case any of the bodies stored there have been declared dead by mistake.

It seems alarms and motion detectors in the mortuary will detect the slightest movement if one of the bodies emerges from a coma or unconsciousness.

The story says they took this precaution because the locals are afraid of being buried alive.

Well, who the hell isn’t?

But I think a more important point here is that the story says the town isn’t otherwise known for its modernity.

For dummies who read this blog…

Blog Guy, you run a fairly low-tech operation, right? I mean, there’s nothing complicated about doing a humor blog.

You couldn’t be more wrong. We do consumer testing, focus groups, FDA monitoring, all that stuff.

For a blog? What’s to test?

Everything. You see these dummies? We monitor their reactions to goofy photos, outrageous puns and other content in advance of using them in the blog.

Note this dude’s skull coming off his shoulders like a bobblehead. That’s not a good sign.

I can’t help noticing his pants are pulled down and he’s tied to a chair.

When life is just a beer commercial…

Advertising staff, today we’re here to honor Lamar, whose work on the Guinness Stout account has been pure genius!

Gosh, thanks, Boss. You’re much too kind…

Not at all, Lamar. Who would have thought you could get photos of Barack and Michelle Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip boldly showing Guinness Stout, all in less than a week?

That must be some kind of a world record, Lamar! Where could we check on that?

I think there’s a book, Boss, but I can’t remember the name.

I just have one question, Lamar. I know we spent $8 million on the celebrity ad campaign, but Obama and Elizabeth are the only ones we’ve seen so far.

Stilettos making a comeback?

I just can’t make up stuff like this. I sure wish I could, but I can’t.

Maine lawmakers have approved legalizing switchblades for people with one arm.

Our story says this will keep one-armed people from having to open folding knives with their teeth in emergencies. Really.

Do we need this law? There are scarcely over a million people living in Maine. How many of them could be one-armed?

Lord help me, I’m tempted to say only a handful.

No offense to one-armed Mainers at all, but if they need to use a knife at home they can open the drawer and take one out, just like people with numerous arms would do, right?

So now we’ve reduced the pool of impacted parties to one-armed Maine residents who are away from home and having some kind of knife emergency.

Name your poison, folks…

Good evening, folks, welcome to Snake & Shake, home of the Sssssssssizzling Cobra Burger! I’ll be your server tonight. Have you decided what you want?

Yes. My wife will have the broiled lobster, please.

Very good choice. Please walk on over to that tank and select your lobster, ma’am…

And, for me, I think I’ll try the Sssssssizzling Cobra Burger! That’s made with 100 percent fresh cobra meat, right?

It sure is, sir.  Now if you’ll just step into that glass booth filled with slithering cobras, you can select the snake you want and bring it out.

Hold on. I have to catch a live cobra, myself?

Buddy, can you hand me some paper?

Lamar, where the heck are you? I told you to meet me at the Motor Show.

I’m here, Boss. I’ll find you in a few minutes. I stopped in the men’s room by the Renault display.

Really? I just went by there and I didn’t see a men’s room.

I’m not surprised, Boss, it turns out in Switzerland they just put the stalls right out in the open. Those crazy Swiss, huh?

Lamar, I saw a MASSAGE seat over by Renault. It says “TAKE CARE.” You’re not by any chance sitting in THAT, are you?

Oh. I thought that meant take care of business. I’m glad to hear it’s a massage thing. It felt like an earthquake while I was, you know…

Don’t try any funny stuff

Blog Guy, I am foreign person you help in the past, learning English as second language. Good morning.

Good morning, foreign person. What can I do for you today?

Please explain American expression, “adding insult to injury…”

Ah, I guess that could be confusing.

Here’s an example. The man and woman in the photo above were detained when they were caught carrying stolen items.

Those Volkswagens are sure making good time!

U.S. Navy breaks railgun record

The U.S. Navy says it has shattered a record with its futuristic electromagnetic railgun by firing a projectile with enough force to launch 33 Volkswagen Beetles 100 miles all at once.

I guess I really don’t get out enough, because this video report, which I did NOT make up, is the first I’ve heard of the Navy’s so-called railgun project, with a logo and everything.

I hope they’ve thought this thing through properly. Only a few million Volkswagen Beetles were made, and if we’re going to shoot off 33 of them at a time, pretty soon we’ll run out.

And that’s not to mention a lot of old hippies are going to be pretty fricking surprised.

I also question the wisdom of the name they chose. Calling this something that sounds very much like “nailgun” could lead to some seriously injured Navy carpenters.