Here is an uplifting, inspirational story. When children  make grotesque faces, all parents say: “Your face could freeze like that. It happened to a girl I read about today in the paper.”

Well, who knew? There really is a condition called “Ugly Frozen Face.” I know, because I read about it today in the paper. A victim of this syndrome, a plucky lass named Tiffany, battled her way up to  model in a major fashion show. The audience cheered her wildly. 

The thing is, she wore such repulsive designs that nobody even noticed her face! Backstage, our gullible Tiffany said, “I’m taking off this gross piece of barf outfit before it freezes to my body. That happened to a model I read about today in the paper.”

A model presents a creation by Honey mi Honey at the Kobe Collection Spring/Summer 2008 in Tokyo February 23, 2008.  REUTERS/Kiyoshi Ota

More stuff from Oddly Enough

Haute couture is my life, but I must admit I’m baffled at times.

For instance, the photo caption calls this “a creation,” but to me, it just looks like some chick having a butt. Is smoking a cigarette with black gloves and red lipstick the creative part, or what?

Was this lady supposed to stop and light up on the runway, because I have to say that will make fashion shows pretty tedious. Perhaps the designer should have looked for a slightly less addicted model?

I’m telling you right now, if I start seeing fetchingly attired models festooned with nicotine patches, that’s going to detract from the fashion show aesthetic. And once they start hacking up yellow phlegm on the audience, well, that’s a little more glamour than I can stand….           

A model displays a creation as part of DSquared2 Fall/Winter 2008/ 09 women’s show during Milan Fashion Week February 21, 2008. REUTERS/Alessandro Garofalo

More stuff from Oddly Enough

Some pig farmers have a problem. In what they call a last-ditch attempt to save Britain’s pork industry, they are releasing a song on the Internet, called “Stand by your Ham.” See, it’s a reworking of “Stand by your Man,” with a porcine theme.

I’m not sure their choice is quite catchy enough to get the job done. Why didn’t they go for one of the better-known songs from the pork genre? Johnny Cash’s iconic “I Walk the Loin,” Sonny and Cher’s 60’s anthem “I Got You Babe,” the sentimental barbershop quartet standard “Pig ‘o My Heart,” or that favorite from the musical “South Pacific,” “Dites-Moi, Pork-Qua,” just to name a few.

But then again, with photos like these floating around, maybe it’s too late for songs.

Piglets in an undated file photo. REUTERS/University of Missouri-Columbia/Handout

More stuff from Oddly Enough

Models are seductive, pouty, playful… And this season we are seeing a new emotion: rage. Does this model make you want to buy the dress? She makes me want to crawl to the panic room and bolt the door. 

“Relax, Velma, it’s only hypnosis. Those people in the audience are all laughing at you. They wonder why you let some guy calling himself ‘Hannibal Laguna‘ send you out looking like Morticia  Addams. Why didn’t you get a pretty dress, Velma? And you know that Cinnabon you wanted at breakfast? Hannibal Laguna said, “Models don’t get Cinnabons,” and then he ate it himself.

“But Velma, you won’t remember any of this until a small black feather drops onto your elbow. Then, Velma, it’s payback time…”

Model displays a creation by Hannibal Laguna during the Pasarela Cibeles Autumn/Winter 08-09 fashion week in Madrid February 15, 2008. REUTERS/ Susana Vera

More stuff from Oddly Enough Blog

Blog Guy, I was so very interested in your recent Clone on the Throne? debate over whether the first  Queen Elizabeth may have a clone who is alive today.

I have written a similar book, about the cloning of author Mark Twain. It will be published this spring under the title “Making Your Mark,” and I expect it to ignite heated controversy.

Good to know. The Elizabeth post really did attract interest and comments, so if this is something my readers are interested in, I’m there.

Please, everyone, be on the lookout for signs that folks from the history books may have clones walking around today. In addition to Elizabeth I, Mark Twain and Mamie Eisenhower I now have a reported sighting of Genghis Khan showing up as a weekend TV weatherman in Indianapolis.  Keep ‘em coming!

More stuff from Oddly Enough Blog

Cast member Donald Sutherland poses at the premiere of “Fool’s Gold” at the Grauman’s Chinese theatre in Hollywood, California January 30, 2008. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni

Hey, Blog Guy - I know you’re a history buff and I’d like your opinion.

I’m reading that runaway best-seller, “Tudor in a Tube.” It speculates that England’s first Queen Elizabeth, who died in 1603, was cloned a few years ago, and that the clone is being raised to wrest control of the monarchy from the current queen, as part of a plot against Prince Charles. Could this be true?

That is a very good question and of course this is the subject of several recent books.

I personally prefer the more scholarly work “Clone on the Throne?” but the basic idea is the same. I don’t know for sure if it’s true, but my own thinking is that a real Elizabeth clone won’t be hard to spot if she shows her face in public, so keep your eyes wide open.

A model presents a creation for Anna Sui’s 2008/2009 Fall/Winter collection during New York Fashion Week February 6, 2008. REUTERS/Brendan McDermid

More stuff from the Oddly Enough Blog

Dear Blog Guy: Help! Today in New York I spotted three nice-looking women. I was too shy to introduce myself, but now I wish I had. They seemed extremely natural and unaffected.

They laughed a lot, so I’m guessing they are quite witty. One poked her cheek like it was numb, and another tapped her teeth, so maybe they just came from the dentist, if that helps. They also blew kisses for no apparent reason, so they could be trying to overcome shyness.

Why oh why did I let them out of my sight! Can you help?

Sorry, I need more to go on. New York City is a big place. Do you happen to remember if you saw them in a particular store?

Victoria’s Secret Angels (L-R) Selita Ebanks, Izabel Goulart and Karolina Kurkova pose together during a store appearance in New York February 7, 2008. REUTERS/Brendan McDermid

More stuff from the Oddly Enough Blog

Memo to fashion show staff: I’m sorry, but times are hard. We need to cut costs any way we can.

We’re hiring a raccoon who studied as a make-up artist. Now, don’t be so negative! It’s only make-up, how hard can it be? Plus, when she’s not working, she can wash food in the cafeteria. We’re also getting a monkey to do hair. He only knows one style, but we can live with that.

If this works we’ll save a fortune, and I have other good ideas, as well. Two words for you to think about: haute couture and chimpanzees!

Related: Models in witness protection and You’ve never done makeup?

Models present creations for Monique Lhuillier’s 2008/2009 Fall/Winter collection during New York Fashion Week February 5, 2008. REUTERS/Brendan McDermid

More stuff from the Oddly Enough Blog

“Hello, I’m looking for a new bed for my six-year-old daughter.”

“Yes ma’am, I recommend this model, the Lolita…”

Excuse me? Yes, in my favorite ODD story of 2008, a shopping chain has stopped selling a child’s bed named Lolita after enraged parents pointed out that the name was synonymous with sexually active preteens. The retailer said its staff had not been aware of the connotation until, um, they looked it up on Wikipedia. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, Ma’am, I’m afraid the Lolita is no longer for sale. Instead, might I suggest some other popular models, Jezebel, Hussy, Strumpet, Trollop, Nymphet…”

Stars of the film “Lolita,” Dominique Swain and Frank Langella, at the Beverly Hills premiere in a 1998 file photo.  REUTERS/Fred Prouser

More stuff from the Oddly Enough Blog

Memo to fashion show staff:

I should have been more specific, I guess. I did say my vision for this creation required a model with color in her face and a flower in her teeth, but I meant fiery cheeks and a perfect red rose clenched in her inviting lips.

I did NOT want you to hire a model currently suffering from jaundice, and jam a freaking daisy in her mouth!

I am just so VERY grateful this communication problem was discovered before tomorrow’s show, where I requested a model with smoldering eyes and flaming hair…

A model presents a creation by Italian design house Gattinoni during a Rome Fashion Week Haute Couture Spring/Summer 2008 show January 27, 2008. REUTERS/Chris Helgren

More stuff from the Oddly Enough Blog