“Hello, I’m looking for a new bed for my six-year-old daughter.”

“Yes ma’am, I recommend this model, the Lolita…”

Excuse me? Yes, in my favorite ODD story of 2008, a shopping chain has stopped selling a child’s bed named Lolita after enraged parents pointed out that the name was synonymous with sexually active preteens. The retailer said its staff had not been aware of the connotation until, um, they looked it up on Wikipedia. 

“Oh, I’m sorry, Ma’am, I’m afraid the Lolita is no longer for sale. Instead, might I suggest some other popular models, Jezebel, Hussy, Strumpet, Trollop, N ymphet…”

Stars of the film “Lolita,” Dominique Swain and Frank Langella, at the Beverly Hills premiere in a 1998 file photo.  REUTERS/Fred Prouser

More stuff from the Oddly Enough Blog

Memo to fashion show staff:

I should have been more specific, I guess. I did say my vision for this creation required a model with color in her face and a flower in her teeth, but I meant fiery cheeks and a perfect red rose clenched in her inviting lips.

I did NOT want you to hire a model currently suffering from jaundice, and jam a freaking daisy in her mouth!

I am just so VERY grateful this communication problem was discovered before tomorrow’s show, where I requested a model with smoldering eyes and flaming hair…

A model presents a creation by Italian design house Gattinoni during a Rome Fashion Week Haute Couture Spring/Summer 2008 show January 27, 2008. REUTERS/Chris Helgren

More stuff from the Oddly Enough Blog

Blog guy, I know you’ve given a lot of good career advice, helping to steer recent college grads away from bad jobs, so I’m wondering if you’ve seen rock bottom. I mean, a career path that is worse than all the awful ones you’ve warned us about.

You mean, one where I think wow, if that dude took a job looking down gun barrels or putting snakes in his mouth it would be a promotion? Yes, that would be Fernando Aguirre, an Osama bin Laden look-alike.

Wow! I see what you mean! And where does he work?

He patrols the most dangerous slums of Bogota, Colombia, and reports small crimes to police.

He does what? Yikes! Still, I see in the picture he carries a pretty wicked rifle.

Yeah. It’s a toy. I’m not making this up. Here’s a slideshow of Fernando on the “job” and here is a video report…

Fernando Aguirre, locally known as Osama Bin Laden, patrols a slum in Bogota January 17, 2008. REUTERS/Daniel Munoz

More stuff from the Oddly Enough Blog

It’s time again to unveil the latest outfits that well-dressed police decoys will wear as they try to entice criminals. This one is ingenious, designed to set up this season’s opening line of choice:

“Good morrow, what say you? I hail from Elizabethan times! What year is it, good sir, and do people still value the gold sovereigns that overflow my pockets?”

For a look at other recent decoy fashions, check these out:

Say, can you direct me to the ruffians?
And, for the well-dressed police decoy…
“Hi, I’m your Internet date!”

Model presents a creation by British designer John Galliano as part of his Fall/Winter 2008/09 men’s ready-to-wear fashion collection at Paris Fashion Week, January 18, 2008. REUTERS/Benoit Tessier

More stuff from the Oddly Enough Blog

Welcome to today’s episode of “Fun With Statistics.” A widely-reported story tells us that two out of three Australian travelers are members of the Mile High Club, or would like to be members.

Pretty amazing, huh? Oh, wait. Doesn’t that cross the line between reality and fantasy, by lumping people who would like to have sex in a plane, together with those who actually have had it? If that’s how we’re going to play, prepare to be dazzled by my blog’s exclusive survey results:

• 72 percent of women have been the Queen of England, or would like to be.
• 62 percent of us have run a really bad driver off the road, or else said at some point, “Why, I ought to run that jerk off the road!”
• 84 percent of all Americans have walked on the moon, or enjoyed a Dilly Bar.

Hey, this is fun! And that Zogby polling guy makes it sound so darned complicated…

Journalist inspects double bed first class suite during media tour of the Airbus A380 superjumbo, in 2007 file photo. REUTERS/ Vivek Prakash

More stuff from the Oddly Enough Blog

We continue to scoop the entertainment blog competition, with the huge news that the long-awaited sequel to “The Sound of Music“ will be an action blockbuster!

To quote from top-secret movie studio promotional copy, “The von Trapps are back, and the hills are alive with the sound of lead! Hey, Nazis, how do you solve a problem like this Maria?”

I know, I was stunned, too, but it goes on… “Edelweiss isn’t nice, this time around! Watch as the von Trapp children, machine pistols blazing, give new meaning to ‘So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehn, goodnight!’”

Yikes. I think I may just pass on this one, and rent the original, the one where Julie Andrews doesn’t use a bayonet…

Huge flame comes from hand-cannon held by Bavarian Alpine mountaineer as he fires a salute to start a sledge race in the German town of Garmisch-Partenkirchen, January 6, 2008. REUTERS/Wolfgang Rattay

More stuff from the Oddly Enough Blog

“Dagnabbit! Looks like the engine’s stalled! We’re stuck here awhile.” Quick quiz: the place you least want to hear that sentence is…

• a commuter train
• an elevator
• a roller coaster, just as you’re at the top of a huge loop

Yeah, roller coaster has to be the answer. Some poor folks got stuck like that with their legs in the air for 30 minutes on New Year’s Eve. They were treated at a hospital for “dizziness,” which I think is a euphemism meaning plastic surgeons had to sandblast a look of pure horror off their insanely frozen faces.

“We’re sorry about that, people. Let us make it up to you with free tickets to the Skywalk or the gyrocopter.” Here’s the story and here’s a photo:

More stories from the Oddly Enough Blog

Not the one that stalled… Chinese soldiers ride on a roller coaster at a Beijing amusement park in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/China Newsphoto

Merry Christmas, Blog Guy! My family has several holiday stories and poems we read every year,  just to help get us in the mood. Do you have something like that? Maybe you could share them with us!

No, I’m kind of the opposite. I’m already in the mood, so I need seasonal tales that bring me back down to Earth.  I have a fine collection of downer Christmas items,  some of them going back as far as oh, Christmas, 2006!

Today, I’m starting a new tradition: “Yule Be Sorry - Oddly Enough Christmas stuff for when you’re feeling too darned jolly!” If anybody wants to turn these into a cute little illustrated Christmas book or maybe a calendar, I’m sure we can work something out…

Maybe Santa’s not chubby, he’s just wearing Kevlar 

Billy, when Christmas is over we’ll start your therapy! 

Don’t look up the chimney, kids…

For that certain sicko on your Christmas list…

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!” 

Got your Santa suit? No, the other kind…

Santa salutes Christmas…or something…

Christmas present a real hit…

When Santa can’t ho ho hold it… 

Protester dressed as Santa Claus is arrested by police in front of the official residence of Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper in Ottawa, December 12, 2007. REUTERS/Christopher Pike

“Cripes, Lonnie, you plannin’ on eating supper in your skivvies again, like some kind of a male model or whatever? Makes me so darn mad!

“Well as long as you’re living under my roof, if you want to show up for meals looking like that guy on the Roman Meal bread package, then you can at least have the courtesy to wear your good helmet! And I want to see your disco medallion, and your festive bracelet! And that gold ring you got for almost graduating from high school!

“And Lonnie, don’t forget your shield, there’s been Visigoths seen in the neighborhood!”
                                                                                        

A model presents underwear by Romanian designer Catalin Botezatu during Bucharest Fashion Week in Bucharest November 23, 2007.  REUTERS/Bogdan Cristel

More stories from the Oddly Enough Blog

Dear Dad,

Well, things are going okay here at basic training. The guys are swell. We do have a mean, nasty drill sergeant who isn’t too bright. He has this piece of exercise equipment he thinks is an accordion, and he throws himself into trying to play it. 

We all have to pretend to enjoy his “concerts,” or face consequences too awful to describe. This morning, Sarge almost busted a gut trying to play “Buffalo Gals,” and when he turned his back, me and my friends laughed.

I think we’re safe, though. Sarge spends every spare minute either practicing “accordion” or reading some dumb blog called ”Oddly Enough,” so how would he ever find out we made fun of him?

Paramilitary policeman exercises in training  session at army base in  Tianjin municipality   November 21, 2007. REUTERS/Vincent Du

More stories from the Oddly Enough Blog