Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Eat a little BLT, find out what it means to me!

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Some pig farmers have a problem. In what they call a last-ditch attempt to save Britain’s pork industry, they are releasing a song on the Internet, called “Stand by your Ham.” See, it’s a reworking of “Stand by your Man,” with a porcine theme.

I’m not sure their choice is quite catchy enough to get the job done. Why didn’t they go for one of the better-known songs from the pork genre? Johnny Cash’s iconic “I Walk the Loin,” Sonny and Cher’s 60′s anthem “I Got You Babe,” the sentimental barbershop quartet standard “Pig ‘o My Heart,” or that favorite from the musical “South Pacific,” “Dites-Moi, Pork-Qua,” just to name a few.

But then again, with photos like these floating around, maybe it’s too late for songs.

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Piglets in an undated file photo. REUTERS/University of Missouri-Columbia/Handout

Is this the age of runway rage?

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fashion-feather-160.jpgModels are seductive, pouty, playful… And this season we are seeing a new emotion: rage. Does this model make you want to buy the dress? She makes me want to crawl to the panic room and bolt the door. 

“Relax, Velma, it’s only hypnosis. Those people in the audience are all laughing at you. They wonder why you let some guy calling himself ‘Hannibal Laguna‘ send you out looking like Morticia  Addams. Why didn’t you get a pretty dress, Velma? And you know that Cinnabon you wanted at breakfast? Hannibal Laguna said, “Models don’t get Cinnabons,” and then he ate it himself.

Never the Twains shall meet?

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Blog Guy, I was so very interested in your recent Clone on the Throne? debate over whether the first  Queen Elizabeth may have a clone who is alive today.

I have written a similar book, about the cloning of author Mark Twain. It will be published this spring under the title “Making Your Mark,” and I expect it to ignite heated controversy.

Clone on the Throne?

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queen-portrait-180.jpgHey, Blog Guy – I know you’re a history buff and I’d like your opinion.

I’m reading that runaway best-seller, “Tudor in a Tube.” It speculates that England’s first Queen Elizabeth, who died in 1603, was cloned a few years ago, and that the clone is being raised to wrest control of the monarchy from the current queen, as part of a plot against Prince Charles. Could this be true?

Dude seeks attractive mystery women

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victoria-2-160.jpgDear Blog Guy: Help! Today in New York I spotted three nice-looking women. I was too shy to introduce myself, but now I wish I had. They seemed extremely natural and unaffected.

They laughed a lot, so I’m guessing they are quite witty. One poked her cheek like it was numb, and another tapped her teeth, so maybe they just came from the dentist, if that helps. They also blew kisses for no apparent reason, so they could be trying to overcome shyness.

You gals work for the Lone Ranger, or what?

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raccoon-140.jpgMemo to fashion show staff: I’m sorry, but times are hard. We need to cut costs any way we can.

We’re hiring a raccoon who studied as a make-up artist. Now, don’t be so negative! It’s only make-up, how hard can it be? Plus, when she’s not working, she can wash food in the cafeteria. We’re also getting a monkey to do hair. He only knows one style, but we can live with that.

Climb into The Floozy, and I’ll read you a story

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Hello, I’m looking for a new bed for my six-year-old daughter.”

“Yes ma’am, I recommend this model, the Lolita…”

Excuse me? Yes, in my favorite ODD story of 2008, a shopping chain has stopped selling a child’s bed named Lolita after enraged parents pointed out that the name was synonymous with sexually active preteens. The retailer said its staff had not been aware of the connotation until, um, they looked it up on Wikipedia

“Oh, I’m sorry, Ma’am, I’m afraid the Lolita is no longer for sale. Instead, might I suggest some other popular models, Jezebel, Hussy, Strumpet, Trollop, Nymphet…”

No! Haven’t you ever seen velvet art?

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Memo to fashion show staff:

I should have been more specific, I guess. I did say my vision for this creation required a model with color in her face and a flower in her teeth, but I meant fiery cheeks and a perfect red rose clenched in her inviting lips.

I did NOT want you to hire a model currently suffering from jaundice, and jam a freaking daisy in her mouth!

Hey, I know you! You’re that GUY!

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bogota-3-160.jpgBlog guy, I know you’ve given a lot of good career advice, helping to steer recent college grads away from bad jobs, so I’m wondering if you’ve seen rock bottom. I mean, a career path that is worse than all the awful ones you’ve warned us about.

You mean, one where I think wow, if that dude took a job looking down gun barrels or putting snakes in his mouth it would be a promotion? Yes, that would be Fernando Aguirre, an Osama bin Laden look-alike.

“Hey Boss! Check out the milksop!”

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It’s time again to unveil the latest outfits that well-dressed police decoys will wear as they try to entice criminals. This one is ingenious, designed to set up this season’s opening line of choice:

“Good morrow, what say you? I hail from Elizabethan times! What year is it, good sir, and do people still value the gold sovereigns that overflow my pockets?”