Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
Pretty amazing, huh? Oh, wait. Doesn’t that cross the line between reality and fantasy, by lumping people who would like to have sex in a plane, together with those who actually have had it? If that’s how we’re going to play, prepare to be dazzled by my blog’s exclusive survey results:
72 percent of women have been the Queen of England, or would like to be.
62 percent of us have run a really bad driver off the road, or else said at some point, “Why, I ought to run that jerk off the road!”
84 percent of all Americans have walked on the moon, or enjoyed a Dilly Bar.
Hey, this is fun! And that Zogby polling guy makes it sound so darned complicated…
We continue to scoop the entertainment blog competition, with the huge news that the long-awaited sequel to “The Sound of Music“ will be an action blockbuster!
To quote from top-secret movie studio promotional copy, “The von Trapps are back, and the hills are alive with the sound of lead! Hey, Nazis, how do you solve a problem like this Maria?”
“Dagnabbit! Looks like the engine’s stalled! We’re stuck here awhile.” Quick quiz: the place you least want to hear that sentence is…
a commuter train
a roller coaster, just as you’re at the top of a huge loop
Yeah, roller coaster has to be the answer. Some poor folks got stuck like that with their legs in the air for 30 minutes on New Year’s Eve. They were treated at a hospital for “dizziness,” which I think is a euphemism meaning plastic surgeons had to sandblast a look of pure horror off their insanely frozen faces.
No, I’m kind of the opposite. I’m already in the mood, so I need seasonal tales that bring me back down to Earth. I have a fine collection of downer Christmas items, some of them going back as far as oh, Christmas, 2006!
“Cripes, Lonnie, you plannin’ on eating supper in your skivvies again, like some kind of a male model or whatever? Makes me so darn mad!
“Well as long as you’re living under my roof, if you want to show up for meals looking like that guy on the Roman Meal bread package, then you can at least have the courtesy to wear your good helmet! And I want to see your disco medallion, and your festive bracelet! And that gold ring you got for almost graduating from high school!
Well, things are going okay here at basic training. The guys are swell. We do have a mean, nasty drill sergeant who isn’t too bright. He has this piece of exercise equipment he thinks is an accordion, and he throws himself into trying to play it.
We all have to pretend to enjoy his “concerts,” or face consequences too awful to describe. This morning, Sarge almost busted a gut trying to play “Buffalo Gals,” and when he turned his back, me and my friends laughed.
Blog Guy, you’re always saying to be careful in choosing a career. I just got a brochure inviting me to check out the world of homemade submarines, and I just don’t see the downside.
See, the words homemade and submarine don’t naturally belong together. Kind of like chainsaw and dentistry, or gyrocopter and, well, whatever. I know Colombia just found a “rudimentary” sub built to smuggle tons of cocaine, but that part actually makes the deal even less attractive! Are you following any of this?
I think you might be talking about this course. It’s supposed to be self-defense training, but I guess it might qualify as a fantasy camp for some beleaguered flight attendants, who I imagine could perform the jabs and kicks while hissing stuff like:
It can be awkward when you go pick up a blind date you met online, and she comes to the door with garlic hanging from her hair. You start wondering what a nice, sensitive guy would say, and you come up with stuff like:
“Yeah, I smelled you from the street, but I’m desperate!”
“I see you’re all ready to try out that new vampire bar.”
“Ah, when you said your hair smelled of cloves, I pictured something else.”
“Awesome blouse, you reeking stinkfest garlic goddess!”
Quick. If I asked you for a word to describe a primitive, ignorant, grunting, unenlightened barbarian, you’d say “Neanderthal.” Imagine our surprise, then, at hearing the stunning news that some researchers think Neanderthals may have been capable of sophisticated speech.
Yes, they actually may have said stuff like, “Stop pounding me with that club,” or “Who borrowed my fire and didn’t return it?” or “What the heck happened to all the dinosaurs?”