Blog Guy, I’m contacting you because I think you have an open mind about conspiracy theories. Am I right?

You betcha. Every nutjob is welcome here. As long as you’re reading me, it keeps you off the streets.

Yeah, I had you figured as…hey, you’re not making fun of us, are you?

Gosh no! Send me your goofball ideas! Just a sec, Charlie Sheen is knocking on my door…

Well then, are you aware of the White Hat conspiracy?

There are a number of prominent people who wear white hats as a secret sign that they’re part of the plot. Some elected leaders, that Dalai Lama guy, Brad Pitt…

I think you’re right. I’ve been looking through our photo archives, and I’m pretty sure I’ve found their leader. He was wearing his white hat all the time, long before the others started to show themselves.

Wow! Who is it?

His name can’t be said out loud, but if you’ll look to the left…

Now, if I can just get your address, to make sure the Obama Death Panels leave you alone…

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Combo top left: Honduras’ ousted President Manuel Zelaya, October 8, 2009. REUTERS/Edgard Garrido

Combo top right: Peru’s President Alan Garcia, October 22, 2009. REUTERS/Enrique Castro-Mendivil

Combo bottom left: Tibet’s exiled spiritual leader, the Dalai Lama, September 30, 2009. REUTERS/Pool

Combo bottom right: Actor Brad Pitt, July 2, 2008. REUTERS/Chris Serrano

Lower left: Robert Burck, a street performer known as the “Naked Cowboy,” sings in
Times Square in New York, in a 2002 file photo. REUTERS/Peter Morgan

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Blog Guy, I’m really pumped for the Oscars - I love all the glamour and razzle-dazzle. Don’t the Brits have something like that, too? I’d love to see it.

They have BAFTA. You’d hate it. It’s not nearly as glitzy.

Really? How is it different?

The actors and actresses don’t really show up. They just send pictures, which are placed around the Royal Opera House to look like an audience.

I don’t believe that!

See for yourself. Here are Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and Kate Winslet enjoying themselves at the event.

That’s just lame. What happens if Brad Pitt wins an award?

A trained chimp takes his poster up to the podium and waves it around.

But don’t they at least have presenters?

Sure, if you count sock puppets.

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Place markers are arranged during preparations for the BAFTA (British Academy of Film and Television Arts) awards ceremony at the Royal Opera House in London February 7, 2009.
REUTERS/ Luke MacGregor

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It’s time for this blog’s top five Most Popular Posts for January, measured by reader traffic. So look at the results, and collect your bets.

I should point out that there’s nothing here about the Super Bowl or Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt, but I’m not above mentioning those things to attract readers. Here they are, and good luck to all.

5. Who’s messing with Obama’s mind?

4. My gold lamé macramé résumé!

3. “Official” Barack Obama doughnuts!

2. And the worst driver on Earth is…

1. From hightops to flipflops in seconds

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Aactors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in Tokyo, January 29, 2009. REUTERS/Toru Hanai

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Quick quiz: You’re superstar Brad Pitt. Let’s say you are going to have an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction in the vicinity of your trouser fly. When would you want it to happen?

a) Right when you’re breaking up with Gwenyth Paltrow

b) Right when you’re breaking up with Jennifer Aniston

c) Right when you’re breaking up with Angelina Jolie

d) While you are posing for 620,000 press photographers to promote an Oscar-nominated movie.

I’m guessing his answer wouldn’t be d), but that’s what happened.

Thankfully, he came prepared with a long scarf - maybe this happens to him a lot.

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U.S. actor Brad Pitt poses for photographers during a photocall for the film “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button” in Paris January 22, 2009. REUTERS/Gonzalo Fuentes

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I have GREAT news for guys!

There has been a big new survey to find out what makes men seem handsome, and you know what the top thing is? Smoldering eyes? Nope. Chiseled features? Nope. Good hygiene? Yep.

So, armed with that information, here are the sort of pickup lines you should be using:

• “Hey, babe, most of my underwear was washed fairly recently.”
• “You know, gorgeous, I hardly ever get big zits anymore!”
• “Look, I have a Q-tip dispenser on my iPhone case. You wanna use one?
• “Well, it’s December 1, time to brush my teeth again!”

It gets even better. After hygiene, the second thing on the handsome list was confidence! You don’t need to be smart or talented, you just need to THINK you are!

Who would have guessed that being handsome would come down to a large ego and a can of jock itch spray!

REUTERS photos of supposedly handsome guys…

Brad Pitt and George Clooney by Max Rossi

Matt Damon by Chip East

Hugh Jackman by Lucas Jackson

Denzel Washington by Joerg Sarbach

Robert Redford by Hannibal Hanschke

Now in four flavors! Join the Oddly Enough blog network!

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Blog Guy, I’m the one who asked a lot about Angelina Jolie and her twins at the hospital in Nice recently. You can’t ignore me, because you’ve sworn the Bloggers’ Oath.

What do you want this time?

If people send gifts to Angelina and Brad and the twins, who delivers them? Are those French postal workers attractive? What should the packages look like?

Yeah, I guess the postal workers are pretty nice in Nice. After all, they’re French. And the packages should be very big, so they can be easily photographed by the media.

Hmm. Okay, now about the store where Angelina buys her diapers…

That’s it! I hereby renounce the Bloggers’ Oath!

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A postal worker is followed by media as she brings presents for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s twins at the Nice Lenval hospital in Nice, France, July 19, 2008. REUTERS/Chris Serrano

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Blog Guy, my friends and I don’t think there has been enough coverage of the whole Angelina Jolie twins thing, over in Nice. That’s in France, you know. Can you answer some questions for us?

I’ll sure get what I can for you from our recent photo file.

Great. What kind of hat does Brad Pitt wear?

Um, it’s a white one, I guess maybe you’d call it a fedora? Here’s a photo of it on his head.

That settles that. And this hospital where she gave birth. Who’s in charge there?

A director. You can see him here in the middle photo.

Fascinating! And this hospital, does it have a parking garage entrance?

Yep. Picture on the right.

Thanks, you’re doing great. Now this hospital director, does he have a niece?

I get it. A niece in Nice? I don’t think you really need to know that, so I’m not running her picture.

Slideshow of even less important Jolie stuff

REUTERS photos by Chris Serrano

Dear Blog Guy,
I know you’ve helped many troubled people in the past, and I’m hoping you can do something for me.

I’m haunted by a recurring dream. I see a giant bumblebee flying around, but as it gets closer I see that it looks like the comedian Jerry Seinfeld! And people seem to be speaking French. What does all this mean?
Worried

Well, Worried, you need to confront this terror. We’ve done a simulation at great expense - Seinfeld doesn’t work cheap. I’m just glad the bee isn’t George Clooney or Brad Pitt in your dream. Anyway, see if it looks something like this:

Dear Blog Guy,
If there are aliens from space spying on us, do you think they fully understand everything we do?
Really Curious

Well, Curious, I know for certain they don’t understand why we make lifeless wax figures of our celebrities, put them in a museum, and then go shoot pictures of them as if they were actual humans. What is the news value in showing a waxy Angelina Jolie, a waxy Brad Pitt and a little bitty waxy baby? Maybe some reader can wax lyrical and explain that to us.  Meanwhile, maybe I’ll get their autographs — anybody got a stylus and some wax paper?                                                  

Wax figures of actors Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt sit on display with a figure of their infant daughter Shiloh Nouvel  at Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in New York, July 26, 2006. REUTERS/Keith Bedford

Regular readers know we just love stories about dimwitted criminals, and this is one of my favorites. This guy has been arrested for trying to fleece a money exchanger, by using an ID card bearing somebody else’s photo.  Oh yeah — did I mention that the guy, who is Jordanian, used a picture of Brad Pitt?

When he was caught, the man told police that he did not know whose picture he had downloaded from the Internet. Imagine his surprise when he sees “Fight Club” on movie night in prison. 
 

Brad Pitt arrives at the premiere of “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” in Los Angeles June 7, 2005. REUTERS/Michael Buckner