Oddly Enough Blog

The King’s playin’ with his crotch again

Blog Guy, you seem to read a lot of history. I guess that’s to take your mind off the goofy stuff you see every day?

Are you kidding? History books are where I GET my goofiest stuff.  I find myself laughing out loud as I picture things I read. In his biography of William Shakespeare, author Bill Bryson tells us that King James I “was graceless in motion, with a strange lurching gait, and had a disconcerting habit, indulged more or less constantly, of playing with his codpiece.”

Think about that. A King of England who was known for walking like a zombie and fiddling with his crotch pouch in public.

Then there’s John Wilkes Booth, the man who killed President Lincoln. According to “Manhunt: the 12-day Chase for Lincoln’s Killer,” when Booth was injured and on the run after the assassination, he was turned away from the home of a Southern doctor.

I’ll bet Booth got the hell away from there as fast as he could.

Nope. With the entire Union army hot on his trail, Booth took time to write a note upbraiding the doctor for his appalling manners.

No! Did Booth actually send the note?

How about a greasy kebab, Your Majesty?

Blog Guy, I see Britain’s Queen Elizabeth just spent 11 days visiting Australia. That must be a huge logistical undertaking involving thousands of aides, security folks, drivers….

Nothing could be further from the truth. The queen is remarkably self-reliant, and instructed her staff “not to make a fuss over me.”

They gave her some MapQuest printouts and emergency contact numbers, and sent her on her way. Here, in this top photo, you can see her asking directions in Australia.

Wow, good for her! That’s very impressive!

* * * * * * * * * *

I say, madam, can you direct me to an institution where I may convert my travellers cheques?

Say “I’ll be back,” Duchess….

Blog Guy, it’s me, the one you got hooked on pictures of Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge.

I’ve told you, I got a lot of people hooked on her, with my “first one’s always free” policy.

So, do you have anything fresh? The quality doesn’t have to be great as long as it’s her and it’s new.

Hmmmm. What if she’s smiling like she’s in a religious cult, and she has glowing red Terminator eyes.

I can handle that.

And what if she’s performing in a hard hat with a Village People tribute band?

Class, get out your rulers…

Blog Guy, I’ve heard that the British Royal Family isn’t very well educated. That’s hard to believe, what with being the land of Shakespeare and everything.

Well, it turns out that when you spend all day changing into different costumes and hats and jewelry and stuff, your education can be neglected.

But to their very great credit, both Prince Charles and his wife, Camilla, have returned to what we would call grade school, to start over. I applaud them.

Here there are, on their first day, in a history class. Just think of it as Hogwarts, but with tighter security.

Do we have any idea what this history teacher is saying to Camilla in the photo?

I believe he asked her who won the American Revolution and she said, “The bad guys.” It’s going to be an uphill struggle.

Duchess, the sun never sets on the British vampire…

I’ll admit I was skeptical when I saw photos of the cast of yet another TV movie about Prince William and Kate Middleton. Did we really need this? I mean, I guess maybe if they found a dead ringer to play Kate… Nope, that’s not it…

Let’s see, according to IMDB, the movie was shot in ROMANIA? Huh? Well, that’s different. Now I get it! These clever folks have added an element of horror to the story:

* * * * * *

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

INTERIOR, DUSK, A GOTHIC CASTLE

LIGHTNING FLASHES AT THE WINDOWS

Mystery brunette with Prince William?

Blog Guy, I’m confused. I was walking past a toy shop in London and I saw a doll that looked like Prince William.

He was packaged with a female doll dressed as a bride. She looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t place her.

Ah, she looks like that Hollywood actress, Minnie Driver.

Jeez, Blog Guy, doesn’t it seem strange to sell Prince William and Minnie Driver dolls together, like they’re a couple.

I guess maybe he used to go out with her before his recent marriage. Wait. On closer inspection of those dolls, I’m not sure that’s Prince William at all! It may be Moose, from the Archie Comics.

By golly, I think you’re right. That’s Moose in his high school band uniform! But how does Moose know Minnie Driver?

You’re lacking in your hacking!

Lamar, get in my office!

What’s up, Boss?

Look, you’ve had enough time! I told you if you want to make it in journalism, you need to hack into some voice messages, and I want to see what you’ve got. We’re on deadline!

I think you’ll be pretty happy, Boss. Look at this one. “It’s me. Pick up tuna fish and vodka on the way home.”

That’s not very much to go with, Lamar.

Oh, I’ve got more, Boss. “This is Mom, why don’t you ever call?”

I guess that’s a little better. What else?

‘Tis the season to be Charlie….

Blog Guy, you used to give us a lot more news about what those British people are up to, what with the royal wedding and everything. How about an update?

Well, they’re up to their knickers in celebrating Christmas now, of course, and they…

Excuse me, Blog Guy. Christmas? In July?

Yes. You’re forgetting about the time difference between the two countries.

Oh of course. Sorry, go on.

Yep, they opened the Christmas shop at Selfridges yesterday, selling Union Jack ornaments and everything.

Staying longer with a monger?

Blog Guy, it seemed to me that Britain’s Prince William and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, really had to do some silly stuff on their long trip to Canada.

I mean, cowboy hats, a stagecoach, canoes, stuff like that.

Don’t worry about William and Catherine. At least they managed to avoid visiting fishmongers, which is the worst royal duty there is.

Prince Charles’ wife, Camilla, wasn’t so lucky yesterday, as you can see in the photo on top. Looks like she’s about to make a run for it.

Why are fishmonger visits considered so bad?

Because of the horrible smell. It takes weeks to get it out of their royal clothing.

Duchess? It has a certain ring to it…

Blog Guy, thanks for all your coverage of the royal visit by Britain’s Prince William and Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge. I guess it served its purpose, to raise their profile, huh?

Oh grow up. You think this visit was about them? The Brits have the single most famous piece of jewelry on earth, Catherine’s 18-carat sapphire and diamond ring, and they want to make sure it keeps circulating.

I gather market research and found there were a couple of people in North America who hadn’t seen it, so it was time to correct that.

They arranged a whole royal tour just to show off a ring?

Sure. It’s in almost every shot of Catherine on the trip, playfully sparkling for the cameras. You think that was an accident?