Blog Guy, I’ve heard a very disturbing rumor about you. Please say it isn’t true.

It’s a complete lie! What is it, anyway?

That after a couple of years of blogging about stuff you dislike, you’re finally making your move.

Oh, that. Yeah, we’re starting out slow. The Odd Blog police are rounding up some bad clowns and some bad fashion designers. The photos must have gotten out.

My God! Oh, the humanity! Where do you go from here?

Figure it out. It’s all there if you go back through my old postings. Soon they’ll be picking up brussels sprout farmers, gyrocopter pilots, folks who put clothes on dogs, Barry Manilow…

But where will you even put all those people while they await trial?

Not a problem. I expect to have plenty of empty bullfighting rings to lock them up in….

You’re a madman! The people will rebel! They will resist you!

Not after they see now nice life is without brussels sprouts and bullfighters, they won’t.

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Above: Policemen stand guard near two of four detained men covered in hoods at the Sindh High Court Karachi, Pakistan, October 20, 2009. REUTERS/Akhtar Soomro

Below: A British police officer ushers away a demonstrator dressed as a clown after a climate change protest at Ratcliffe Power Station at Ratcliffe-on-Soar, central England, October 18, 2009. REUTERS/Darren Staples

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Blog Guy, I saw a Reuters photo from Spain showing four guys together in silly outfits. What’s the story?

I think it’s a shot from a Spanish remake of “Bonanza.” From left, that’s Hoss, Ben, Adam and…

You’re a total moron, Blog Guy. You can’t bother to read your own captions? These are bullfighters. The gray outfit is an Armani.

It says this particular annual event involves costumes from “the era of Goya,” whatever that is.

Goya? They make canned beans and mango juice and stuff.

And there’s a hilarious shot of goofy matadors going around piggyback on the shoulders of some poor guys.

Yikes! If those matadors are full of Goya canned beans, I wouldn’t want ‘em sitting that close to MY nose! Hey, you think this is the “Bonanza” episode where the bank robbers shoot Little Joe?

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Above: Spanish bullfighter Cayetano Rivera in gray costume made by Italian designer Giorgio Armani, poses before a “Corrida Goyesca” bullfight in Ronda, Spain, September 5, 2009. In the annual fight the bullfighters wear costumes from the era of 18th Century painter Francisco Goya.

Left: Spanish bullfighters acknowledge the public’s applause.

REUTERS photos by Jon Nazca

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Blog Guy, do you stand behind the info in your photo captions? Is there a chance anybody ever pulls a fast one on you?

We do our best to check information, but my own personal suspicion is that sometimes people in Spain are having a laugh at my expense.

Can you give some examples?

Well, for instance, every so often we have photos of a bullfighter named Enrique Ponce. Get it? PONCE?

Look at this guy’s sissy outfit, then look up “ponce” in the dictionary. In British slang, it means “a pimp” or a “campily effeminate male.”

Wow! You guys got taken! Give me another example!

Okay, look at these Barcelona fashion photos from this past week.

The models are in so-called “creations” showing their bare headlights - you know, their bongos. I had to censor the photos to keep readers from going blind. Now look at the name of the so-called collection: Bonache.

Ulp! Wouldn’t that be pronounced BONE-ACHE?

I think so. Do you think this is really the “Bone-Ache Collection of Hooter-Flashing Fashion Creations?” I think it’s safe to say somebody in Spain has it in for me.

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Above: Spanish bullfighter Enrique Ponce adjusts his montera before a bullfight in Seville, April 28, 2009. REUTERS/Marcelo del Pozo

Richt: Models present creations from the Cardona Bonache collection at the 080 Barcelona fashion show, September 3, 2009. REUTERS/Albert Gea

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Blog Guy, what’s the humane situation in Britain? They really love their animals, right? But so like what if you’re a Brit person and you really have this urge to be cruel to animals? Is that a problem?

You can go fox hunting, though that’s a little more difficult these days.

But what if it doesn’t satisfy my need to be cruel? What if I try that, and just have the urge to torture BIGGER animals?

Oh, then you become a bullfighter and go to Spain.

A British bullfighter? Come on!

There really is one. We have photos of him.

Wow! I bet he has to be REALLY fit for a sport like that. Isn’t that a very demanding skill?

Uh, this guy is 67 years old, he’s had quadruple by-pass surgery and a replaced knee.

My God! How does he survive in the ring?

You can see him here with his “assistants.” I believe they protect him in the ring with machine guns and flame throwers.

Do you have any pictures of him with an actual bull?

In the photo below it looks like he THINKS he’s touching a bull. Does that count?

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Above: British matador Frank Evans, 67, poses with his assistants before a bullfight in Benalmadena, Spain, August 30, 2009. Evans, known on the circuit as “El Ingles,” quit bullfighting in 2005, but came out of retirement last year after enduring quadruple by-pass surgery and having a knee replaced.

Right: Evans practices before the bullfight.

REUTERS photos by Jon Nazca

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Blog Guy, I’m back with more questions about the honorable sport of bullfighting.

Sure, but let me remind you, bullfighting isn’t a sport, it’s a “sport.” Big difference.

Sorry. So what is the essence of the matador’s code? I mean, what is foremost in  his mind as he enters the ring for the classic confrontation between man and beast?

That’s an easy one. It’s, “How can I get the hell away from this snorting behemoth as pronto as possible?”

Take the bullfighter in the photo below. He’s calculating how much gauze and medical apparatus his assistants should put on him so the crowd won’t expect him to go into the ring.

I believe in bullfighting parlance it’s called El Sicko Dayo.

Wow! And did it turn out that an arm sling and four rolls of gauze were enough?

No. Next time I bet he’s smart enough to bring crutches and a neck brace.

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Spanish bullfighter Cayetano Rivera gestures before a bullfight at the bull ring in Almeria, southeastern Spain, August 25, 2009. REUTERS/Francisco Bonilla

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Blog Guy, thanks for keeping that information flowing about the proud tradition of bullfighting, even though I don’t think you like it very much.

I thought I was hiding my feelings pretty well.

So does the bullfighter interact with the crowd at all during the event?

You bet. Here you can see what is called El Winkador. It’s the matador’s way of saying, “I’m midway through torturing a poor animal to death, wink wink. Aren’t I cute?”

That sounds kind of foolhardy. What if El Winkador is badly timed?

Ah, then you may see El Goreador, as in this photo.

Gasp! That’s shocking!

Nah, if you add cartoon-style sound effects in your mind, it’s kind of entertaining.

SNORT! BOIINNNG! WOO-HOOOO!!!! See what I mean?

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Spanish bullfighter Jose Tomas winks to the crowd during a bullfight in Malaga, Spain, August 20, 2009.

Colombian bullfighter Luis Bolivar is gored by a bull during bullfight in Malaga.

REUTERS photos by Jon Nazca

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Okay gentlemen, listen up. You’re all here because you were accepted at Fancypants University! Good old FU, the best school for waiters in all of Spain.

You look muy bueno in your festive outfits, with your tablecloths folded over your arms.

Now, in addition to proper order-taking, food presentation, wine-opening etc, we here at FU prepare you to entertain customers, as well.

What kind of entertainment, you ask?

Well, out that door there just behind the little-bitty guy in purple - no offense, Shrimpy - we have some farm animals. Chickens, sheep and oh yes, maybe a few pissed-off 2,000-pound steam-snorting bulls with big-ass pointed horns. Don’t worry, they’re harmless.

So let’s see, you three guys in front, head on outside and unfurl those flashy red tablecloths, and wave them at the bulls to get their attention, so we can get started.

By the way, Shrimpy, did you remember to fill out  your Next of Kin form? Oh, no special reason….

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Spanish bullfighter Miguel Angel Perera (C) waits for the start of a bullfight in Gijon August 13, 2009. REUTERS/Eloy Alonso

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Blog Guy, thanks for continuing to explain the majestic traditions of bullfighting. What’s the last thing that happens before the bullfighter enters the ring?

As you can see, “El Snapadoro” takes an official photo in case there’s a hole the size of a toilet seat going through him after the fight. Smile, Mr. Personality!

I see. And then after the fight, the bullfighters strut triumphantly around the ring, eh?

No. See, if the bull gets back up again, these dudes don’t want him to spot them, so they climb on the shoulders of Los Piggybackadoros Expendables for a ride.

That doesn’t seem too dignified to me.

Hold on. These guys just dressed up in beanbag hats, pink stockings and Lucky Charms suits to torture a poor animal to death, and NOW you’re worried about their dignity?

Well, when you put it that way….

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Above: Man takes a picture with Spanish bullfighter Jose Tomas before a bullfight in Gijon August 12, 2009.

Right: Tomas (R) and Cesar Jimenez celebrate after the bullfight.

REUTERS photo by Eloy Alonso

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Blog guy, you’ve had a lot of photos lately of Spanish bullfighters getting tossed around and trampled. So like, is there any chance they’ll run out of them soon?

That would be nice, but I’m afraid not. See, they’re importing them from Asia now.

You mean like cars?

Pretty much. Here are some photos of Taira Nono, an apprentice bullfighter from Japan in southern Spain over the weekend.

How do you suppose Japanese guys get interested in that?

I think it’s a mistranslation. thing. The Japanese have that word tora…

Like the Jewish scriptures?

No, that’s Torah. Tora means tiger in Japanese, and toro is bull in Spanish. You can see the confusion. So when a bull comes out instead of a tiger, it actually seems like a pretty good deal to this guy. Once he texts his fellow tiger-fighters back home, watch out!

But why would serious Spanish bullfighting fans come to see a guy named Nono?

I believe they thought they were coming to a Bono concert.

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Japanese apprentice bullfighter Taira Nono prepares to perform a pass to a bull during a bullfight in Torremolinos, Spain, August 2, 2009. REUTERS/Jon Nazca

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Blog Guy, what is Rod Blagojevich, that former Illinois governor, doing since he left office in disgrace?

Good question. That has been a real mystery, until very recently. It appears he took one of those two-week online matador courses, bought a silly outfit, and is now working as a bullfighter in Spain. I spotted him in a photo from Pamplona.

You’re right! I mean, the governor’s smirk has been replaced by a contemptuous sneer, but I’d recognize that trademark hair ANYWHERE! What was it that first tipped you off?

Well, for starters, this bullfighter goes by the nickname of “El Gobernador.” A coincidence? I think not.

Plus, I would imagine that working in proximity to Chicago’s stockyards must look pretty good on a bullfighter job application, don’t you think?

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Former Governor Rod Blagojevich, of Illinois, in a 2008 file photo. REUTERS/Jeff Haynes

Spanish bullfighter Juan Jose Padilla adjusts his montera (hat) before a bullfight at the San Fermin festival in Pamplona, July 12, 2009. REUTERS/ Susana Vera

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