Blog Guy, I’m very worried. Our teenage son seems to enjoy torturing animals, especially when lots of people are watching. Should we send him to a psychiatrist?

Hold on, it sounds like he may have natural talent as a bullfighter. Have  you considered sending him to a bullfighting school?

You mean they actually TEACH bullfighting to young people?

Of course! What did you think, they just grab grown-up sickos off the street and shove them into a bull ring?

Would he have to wear those silly outfits and dumb-looking bullfighter hats?

Sure. That’s what helps make bullfighting the great sport that it is.

Are you familiar with any of the schools?

No, but I have contributed heavily to a different school, to teach young bulls how to defend themselves. I hope your son grows up to meet one of our graduates.

Bullfighter school slideshow

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Bullfighting pupils perform at an international meeting of bullfighter schools at the Arruda dos Vinhos arena in Portugal, December 26, 2008.

REUTERS photos by Jose Manuel Ribeiro

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Hello, and welcome back to a popular feature we like to call, “Things Maybe we should have Explained in the Caption, but Didn’t.”

The photo caption below says these guys are assistants, “preparing for a bullfight.”

It looks to me like they’re just guys in dumb hats chewing on fancy capes.

Oh, excuse me. I’ve just been informed they are positioning the capes so that if their boss gets the grande fling from the bull, they can disappear and not have to go in after him.

They instantly turn into two cape-covered dudes getting the hell out of Dodge without looking back. That makes perfect sense to me! Why didn’t we just say that in the first place?

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Mexico’s Lulu De La Vega is tackled by bull during bullfight in Lima, November 1, 2008.

Assistants prepare for bullfight in Lima, November 1, 2008.

REUTERS photos by Pilar Olivares

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I’ve posted items recently on the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. And while I don’t think there is anything very macho about that activity - unless by macho you mean pathetic - I admit it does have some cachet when compared with another event this week.

Toro de Cuerda!! In English, that is “Bull on rope.” Yes. A bull restrained by a rope is allowed to “run” through the mean streets of Grazalema, Spain, while folks hide on handy structures above him. 

I’m not sure, but I believe the participants wear gore-proof clothing and have four-inch-thick safety glass between them and the animal, who for all I know may just be two guys in a bull costume.

Go ahead, try saying this in your most MACHO voice: “Oh, Si! I climbed above the tethered old arthritic bull who wears bifocal glasses!” Not exactly straight out of Hemingway, is it?

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People hold on to a window to avoid a bull during an event entitled ‘Toro de Cuerda’ (Bull on Rope) where a bull restrained by a rope is allowed to run through the streets in Grazalema, southern Spain July 21, 2008. REUTERS/Jon Nazca

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Oh brother, can I pick ‘em or what? On the Internet, this guy seemed so normal, but then I meet him in person…

He told me online he “works with animals.” Yeah. Turns out he tortures them to death!

He also said he’s a snappy dresser. Jeez Louise, he’s got a jacket decorated with 6,000 pieces of unpopped popcorn beaded together! It’ll be fun to see what happens when the intense July sun heats up those kernels out in the bull ring.

At least I had a chance to slather grease all over his sword handle when he wasn’t looking. When he tries poking that thing into some poor bull, Señor Jiffy Pop is in for quite a surprise. 

Spanish bullfighter Jose Prados “El Fundi” adjusts his costume before a bullfight on the eighth day of the San Fermin festival in Pamplona July 13, 2008. REUTERS/Dani Cardona

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Goodness gracious, now I’ve done it! I should have stayed with the tour, but no, I knew better!

So I guess this place must be one of those gigolo bars. Sheesh, every man in here is dressed better than I am. They all have those fancy things on their shoulders like they’re colonels or something, but I bet they’re not. They even have CAPES for cripes sake, and here I am in a plain dress!

They all look so smarmy, but they’d be offended if I left without an escort. I’ve gotta break the ice. How do you suppose you say “Do you want some flan?” in Spanish?

French bullfighter Juan Bautista (2nd R) waits for the start of the fourth bullfight of the San Fermin festival in Pamplona, Spain, July 10, 2008. REUTERS/Susana Vera

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Dear Mama and Papa Bull, it’s exciting here in Pamplona! I can sure see why us bulls love the annual Running of the Tourists!

I feel a little guilty, though. Face it. If these people had any brains they wouldn’t be out jogging with huge honking bulls. Then they drink gallons of wine, just to give us even more of an edge!

Yesterday I suddenly just sat down, Ferdinand-style, and that really confused them. I sneered at this guy in a red shirt, and I think he soiled his pants right there!

The trick is to poke and toss the tourists just for fun, but not hurt ‘em enough to get into trouble. Today we might just squash the whole bunch of them, then go for paella. I tell you, it’s just a shame we don’t know which ones are studying to be matadors!

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Above: Runner falls on top of a bull during the running of the bulls in Pamplona, July 9, 2008. REUTERS/ Susana Vera

Below: Bull stops in the middle of the street in Pamplona,  Spain, July 9, 2008.  REUTERS/ Joseba Etxaburu

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Oh what have I done? I just came here to wear a funny costume and torture poor animals, but now the KING is here! I’m SURE it’s the king, I’ve seen him on television!

I should give him something. He’s the king! I could hurl my shiny sword at him, but you can get in trouble for doing that… They would call me “The Stupid One.”

I could toss my Official Bullfighter Cap, but then my costume wouldn’t be complete… And what if he wants money, too? Why oh why didn’t I just go to the Flan Festival with the other guys today?

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Spanish King Juan Carlos tries to get the cap thrown by Spanish bullfighter Javier Conde during a bullfight at Madrid’s Las Ventas bullring June 5, 2008. REUTERS/Juan Medina

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Blog Guy, can you please explain some of the more complex maneuvers a bullfighter uses?

Sure. For instance, say you find yourself on the ground, staring into the face of a bull who is pretty annoyed over being tortured for no reason. There are a number of clever comments  bullfighters use to bamboozle the animal:

“Can you please help me find my good luck charm?”
“Work with me. Two smart bulls like us should be able to find that dimwit matador!”
“Hey, at least you don’t have to come out here in pink stockings!”

Of course, as you can see in the photos, these don’t work all of the time. Tomorrow, hints for getting unsightly hoof marks off your face.

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Bullfighter Julian Lopez “El Juli” is tackled by a bull during a bullfight in Madrid, May 27, 2008. REUTERS/Juan Medina

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Hey, Blog Guy! I was wondering, in a real bullfight, what is it that gets the bull to attack the matador? I’m assuming it’s the red cape, right?

Well, that’s what some people think, but not me.

Have you ever looked at the faces these matadors make in the ring? If you were face to face with one and you had two big sharp horns with you, what would YOU do with them? I mean, it’s not even a close call!

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REUTERS photos

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Clancy was mortified. WHY had he believed that salesman who said sissy clothes would be THE LOOK for the beach this season? Liar, liar, pants on fire!

So now, endless miles of Caribbean sand, and Clancy is the only one wearing gold braid and fuzzy epaulettes. The other guys are wearing flip-flops, not fuschia socks and dancing shoes like his.

The stockings made his legs sweat and there was sand in his shoes. He covered his face with his hands. He could hear laughter from towel to towel. Oh no! He remembered he had paid extra to have CLANCY embroidered on the back of his jacket. D’oh!

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Spanish bullfighter Javier Valverde prepares for a bullfight at in Seville, April 13, 2008. REUTERS/Javier Barbancho

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