Lonnie! Where you goin’ with my good table?

Nowhere, Ma!

Lonnie, I’m not stupid! You’re strappin’ my good table to yer car!

Okay, Jeez! I’m takin’ it down to our protest today, to throw it at the police.

Yikes, Lonnie! Throwin’ a heavy table at the cops? What are you protesting?

Police brutality, Ma.

But I NEED my table, Lon! It’s canasta night!

Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure it’s a deductible political donation. Plus, I wrote your name and address on the bottom.

Oh, you’re a good son, Lonnie!

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A protester throws a table at the police during an annual march against police brutality in downtown Montreal March 15, 2009. REUTERS/ Christinne Muschi

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Hey Blog Guy,

I heard President Obama made his first trip out of the country since taking office. Wow, I bet it was someplace exotic. Italy? Mongolia? Bhutan?

He went to Canada.

Canada? That place up there where we go for cheap prescription drugs? What on EARTH did he do?

Oh, there’s plenty to do in Canada. Obama toured the famous “Really, Really, Really Long Hallway of Lots of Flags.”

I guess that could be neat. What else?

He visited the very popular “Really, Really, Really Long Line of Saluting Mounties.”

Wow, now I’m getting kind of interested! Did he eat any Canadian food?

Don’t go there. They eat something called poutine up in Canada, and there are some topics I just won’t write about in this blog.

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President Barack Obama (L) and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper walk down the Hall of Honour on the way to a news conference on Parliament Hill in Ottawa, February 19, 2009.

Obama walks past an RCMP honor guard.

REUTERS photos by Jim Young

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Blog Guy. I need your advice. I’m thinking of moving to Canada, because they all seem so happy and carefree up there.

Are you crazy? Here are some Canadian politicians. Do they LOOK happy?

No, they look pretty cheesed-off. What are they debating, anyway?

I think whether to order poutine for lunch.

What’s that?

A traditional Canadian dish. I can’t bear to write what’s in it, but you can find it here if nothing grosses you out.

Ick! ICK! Eewwww! Hey, why isn’t that one politician wearing a suit?

Oh, he’s not a politician. He’s an Austrian singer in an opera called Götterdämmerung.

What does that mean?

I think it means, “It hurts so bad, I’m moving to Canada!”

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Above: A singer performs during a photocall of a Richard Wagner opera in Vienna, December 3, 2008. REUTERS/Dominic Ebenbichler

Below: Canadian politicians, December 3, 2008, REUTERS/Chris Wattie

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“Trust me, lady, you look gorgeous in this!

“Sure, I know it seems expensive, but you’re getting 650 pounds of high fashion, straight from Budapest! Pound for pound, that’s a bargain.

“Look, lady, you said you’re moving to Canada! This is EXACTLY what the women all wear up there. This baby will let you fit right in up in Manitoba!

“Now, you’re gonna need a coat to wear over this thing, and I recommend… NO! DON’T TILT YOUR HEAD! Lady?

“Ernie? Did you hear that snap?  Oh, that can’t be good…”

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A model presents a creation from designer Barbara Leber during her 2009 “Dolce Vita” fashion show in Budapest November 26, 2008. REUTERS/Karoly Arvai

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Blog Guy, recently I was in Montreal, Canada, and I saw women’s brassieres hanging all over the place. You’re a sophisticated guy, so what’s up with that?

I think that must be the new Montreal flag. They didn’t want to use some variation of the maple leaf, because that’s already been done, and they liked the shape and variety of bras that are available. Also, I’m pretty sure the local hockey team is the Montreal Maidenforms.

You’re a moron. I don’t think you know anything about this at all. Plus, I believe you only ran this item so you could use that “C to shining C” headline!

Just shut up and salute the flag!

Related: Up to his ears in brazen brassieres?

Thousands of bras hang in the Old Port of Montreal, May 29, 2008. A local radio station collected 67,000 bras to raise awareness and funds for the Quebec Breast Cancer Society. REUTERS/Christinne Muschi

Blog Guy, I have a question about the Beijing Olympics, which I believe are being held in Peking.  How will they control the number of athletes? Is there some qualifying event to make sure millions of them don’t all show up in China?

Are you kidding? That would be WAY too complicated! No, each country just controls the size of their teams by making the athletes wear really goofy-looking costumes to the opening ceremony.

The French guys have silly hats and jackets that say FRANCE on the pockets. Don’t even get me started on what the French chicks are wearing. The Canadians have maple leaf pajamas, and so on.

Believe me, when self-respecting athletes get a load of those designs, there will NOT be a problem with too many of them showing up in Beijing!

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(above) Clothing Canadian athletes will wear at the Beijing 2008 Olympics is seen in Toronto, April 30, 2008. REUTERS/Mike Cassese

(below) Models present the official outfits French athletes will wear at the Opening ceremony. Paris, April 29, 2008.  REUTERS/Charles Platiau

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If I told you white powder was driving citizens to sudden violent acts, you’d probably picture guys fighting over cocaine someplace way south, as temperatures hit 100 degrees. Well, check your stereotypes at the door. This is Quebec City, one of the quaintest, most civilized places in North America, home of great food and cobblestone streets.

But with 210 inches of snow so far this year, and snowdrifts of up to 12 feet in some places. tempers are flaring. We have a story describing residents as being - and please excuse my language - “fed up.” Yes, “fed up.” One dude pointed a shotgun at the ground and looked at a woman “in a threatening way,” and another man produced a toy gun in a parking space argument.

The authorities fear it is only a matter of time before somebody says merde.

Related post: O Canada! Is this what you call nasty?

People walk in the street during a snow storm in Quebec City December 16, 2007.  REUTERS/Mathieu Belanger

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The screams and epic splashes coming from Toronto Wednesday were the result of the National Cannonball Championships. For those who can’t remember their childhoods, that was the name given to swimming pool dives designed to make the biggest possible splash, and to cause a bit of pain as well.

First place went to the guy in this photo from Alberta - they call him the “Hurtin Albertan” - who, according to one story said doing these dives felt like running into a wall repeatedly.”

And for those who relish outrageous pickup lines, it strikes me that the perfect approach to somebody competing in this event would be, “You come to displace often?”  Here is a slideshow from the event:

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Brian Utley of Calgary, Alberta, participates in a national cannonball championship in Toronto August 15, 2007. Utley went on to win the competition. REUTERS/Mark Blinch

Back in May, we noted an ongoing competition to determine the “Worst Canadian.” Early contenders for the honor included pop singers like Celine Dion and Shania Twain, and the former owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs. We suggested cartoon villain Snidely Whiplash, just to be helpful.

Well, we should have seen this one coming. Nobody can irritate the public like a politician, and the just-announced winner of the coveted title is former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau. The top-ten list features four prime ministers, including the current one. Indeed, if we can be honest here, there are more prime ministers than serial killers on the list, although it’s pretty close.

Sadly, Snidely didn’t make the top ten, but Celine did. Here is our story, and here’s the list:

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Former Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, in a 1982 file photo. REUTERS photo by Andy Clark

Okay, this story started out mildly funny and it’s rapidly improving. A Canadian history magazine is tired of everybody thinking all Canadians are nice, and is conducting a survey to determine “The Worst Canadian.”

So far, visitors to the magazine’s Web site have nominated pop singers like Celine Dion and Shania Twain, and the former owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs, showing that they really don’t quite seem to get the concept. Some guy is already campaigning for the title, and the names being suggested in the blogosphere are mostly people nobody has heard of outside Canada. How bad could they be?

At least one Website has suggested Joseph Willcocks, who - are you ready for this - helped the Americans during the War of 1812 and died as a Canadian traitor. Give that dude a medal.

All of this is heading for the ultimate humiliation. Yes, it could be that “The Worst Canadian” is Snidely Whiplash, a fictional cartoon villain. How very embarrassing. Here’s the story:

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Singer Celine Dion poses with a wax statue of herself before the 500th performance of her show “A New Day…” at The Colosseum at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas, May 7, 2006. REUTERS/Las Vegas Sun/Steve Marcus