Welcome back to our regular feature, Stuff Maybe we Should Have Explained in the Caption, but Didn’t.

Our full caption for this photo, which you may read below and which I did not tamper with, tells us this pianist is performing during a concert in the middle of a rice paddy in Taiwan.

Huh?

Well we can SEE that, can’t we?

I mean, it’s not that I DOUBT those details or anything, but having grown up myself in an agricultural region seriously lacking in farm- based entertainment, I’m just curious about stuff:

• Is this guy like so bad, this is the only place he can play?

• 

  Is it really a “concert” if only a dog is listening?

• Is it Intermission? Are those people in the corner off to the concession stand for Milk Duds?

• Is it politically correct for him to play “Chopsticks” in a Taiwanese rice paddy?

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Taiwanese pianist Chen Kuan-yu performs during a concert in the middle of a rice paddy in Chishang Township, Taitung County November 7, 2009. REUTERS/Stringer

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Quick quiz: Prince Charles’ wife, Camilla, is seen here reacting violently upon learning…

a) The guy who “married” them was not an actor, but was in fact a real clergyman

b) “Duchess of Cornwall” is just sort of a sarcastic title

c) Her neighbor’s dog is sending her messages again

d) Their supposed two-hour stopover in Canada is actually an 11-day visit

Here’s a tip for readers who are easily confused. Please note our actual caption, below, indicates that the duchess is on the LEFT in this two-person photo, and is not the one in a dark suit holding an umbrella. I know, it surprised me, too.

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Camilla the Duchess of Cornwall (L) reacts as she waits for her husband Prince Charles to fire the gun on the HMCS Haida in Hamilton, Ontario, November 5, 2009. Prince Charles and Camilla are currently on an 11-day tour of Canada. REUTERS/ Fred Thornhill

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Blog Guy, I represent the creative team of a big advertising agency, and we want to buy a photo for an ad campaign.

We need a poor-quality black-and-white photo of a guy standing in front of some pegboard. Preferably, he should be a suspected war criminal.

Money is no object if the photo is bad enough. We noticed you have a headshot of one of the four most wanted suspects from Rwanda’s 1994 genocide.

Sorry Ad Man, but read the fine print in the caption below: “NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS!” You think that doesn’t apply to you?

I’m sorry to hear that. What about shots of balding older guys pointing at each other and sharing a laugh? I know you’ve got some of those.

Boy, you just don’t learn, do you? No means no!

I GOTCHA! We don’t really want ANY of those, I just wanted to see what you’d say, since it’s beyond human comprehension what kind of ad campaign you think would want them.

Well, somebody must want them real bad, or else we wouldn’t use that dire warning.

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Undated U.S. State Department photo of Idelphonse Nizeyimana, one of the four most wanted suspects from Rwanda’s 1994 genocide, who was arrested October 5, 2009… REUTERS/ U.S. State Department/ Handout  FOR EDITORIAL USE ONLY. NOT FOR SALE FOR MARKETING OR ADVERTISING CAMPAIGNS

Blog Guy, I saw a Reuters photo from Spain showing four guys together in silly outfits. What’s the story?

I think it’s a shot from a Spanish remake of “Bonanza.” From left, that’s Hoss, Ben, Adam and…

You’re a total moron, Blog Guy. You can’t bother to read your own captions? These are bullfighters. The gray outfit is an Armani.

It says this particular annual event involves costumes from “the era of Goya,” whatever that is.

Goya? They make canned beans and mango juice and stuff.

And there’s a hilarious shot of goofy matadors going around piggyback on the shoulders of some poor guys.

Yikes! If those matadors are full of Goya canned beans, I wouldn’t want ‘em sitting that close to MY nose! Hey, you think this is the “Bonanza” episode where the bank robbers shoot Little Joe?

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Above: Spanish bullfighter Cayetano Rivera in gray costume made by Italian designer Giorgio Armani, poses before a “Corrida Goyesca” bullfight in Ronda, Spain, September 5, 2009. In the annual fight the bullfighters wear costumes from the era of 18th Century painter Francisco Goya.

Left: Spanish bullfighters acknowledge the public’s applause.

REUTERS photos by Jon Nazca

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People say to me, “Bob, where do you GET those danged bizarre photos you use?”

I comb our daily photo file, but the weirdest ones are served up to me on a silver platter, in an “Extreme Monthly” selection of shots hand-picked by some really twisted minds on our photo desk. Here are some caption snippets from their latest batch:

Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders line up in the end zone… REUTERS/Tim Shaffer

The founder of a sex toy company uses a lighter to burn a rubber dildo to show her sales staff the quality of the product… REUTERS/David Gray

Hindu devotee gets his mouth pierced…

Reverend Jesse Jackson is symbolically crowned Prince Nana Aka Essoin… REUTERS/Luc Gnago

Military…experts inspect the body of a man killed outside a nightclub… handcuffed to a fence and shot…

A horse falls on its rider during a national sports competition…

Brawn GP Formula One driver Rubens Barrichello of Brazil drives in the pit lane with his engine on fire…

Here’s the thing. Despite years of reading “Extreme Monthly,” I still don’t quite get what they consider extreme. I do see that Jesse Jackson being crowned a prince next to a topless woman is a little odd, as is a devotee being harpooned like Moby Dick.

But it seems to me the cheerleaders photo above would be “extreme” only if you’re doing basic training with the Taliban and your drill sergeant catches you with it.

And then there’s the perplexing question of how an open flame shows the quality of a sex toy. Call me an old fuddy-duddy, but I don’t even WANT to know the answer to that one!

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Blog Guy, you know stuff going on around the world. I’m a zombie - where can a guy like me kick back and have some fun with other zombies?

Oooooh, sorry, bad timing. You just missed the zombie parade in Frankfurt. You could have met hundreds of German zombies, if that sounds like fun to you.

I missed that? Damn! That’s the story of my life. Or the story of my undeath, I should say.

Well, don’t feel too bad about it. I just reread our actual captions on these photos, and we went out of our way to say these were people “made up to look like zombies.”

If we didn’t make that clear, many readers would think these were REAL brain-sucking zombies lurching through the downtown area of a major European city, a news event which of course we would blow off with just a few photos and no story.

Zombie slideshow

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A woman made up to look like zombie takes part in zombie parade in Frankfurt July 18, 2009.

People made up to look like zombies take part in zombie parade.

REUTERS photos by Johannes Eisele

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Welcome back to our popular feature, Stuff Maybe we Should Have Mentioned in the Caption, but Didn’t.

The real actual caption on this photo on the right tells us “A man dances with his rifle on his head” during a festival.

Well, yeah, I can see that, and I’m sure nothing could possibly go wrong, but it still makes me wonder. Because where I grew up, dancing with a rifle on your head definitely went on your permanent high school record.

There’s more. Another caption, below, tells us a dancer is shooting his rifle during the festival.

This appears to be a religious festival, and since I live in a country that has very recently debated taking guns into church services I guess this is a sensitive subject, but… Maybe Morocco could spring for some NRA gun safety courses before next year’s festival? It’s just a thought.

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A man dances with his rifle on his head during the festival of Moulay Abdessalam saint near Tetouan July 1, 2009. Thousands of pilgrims from all over Morocco attend the  pilgrimage to the saint’s tomb.

A dancer shoots his rifle during the festival.

REUTERS photos by Rafael Marchante

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Welcome back to our popular feature, Stuff Maybe we Should Have Mentioned in the Caption, but Didn’t.

Now, the actual photo caption we put on these pictures tells us a man dressed as a friar is jumping off a 33-foot cliff at a restaurant in Peru, as a tourist attraction.

Huh? He’s doing what? In fairness, our caption also says the restaurant’s name is “The Jump of the Friar,” so either this is quite an amazing coincidence, or else the guy works for the place.

I suppose he’s just happy they didn’t decide to name it “The Beheading of the Friar” or the “Colonoscopy of the Friar” or something like that.

But anyway, here’s my point. You recent college graduates with difficult-to-market skills should pay attention. One of these days this guy won’t come out of the water, which is your opportunity to be the star attraction at Peru’s newest cliff-side eatery, “The Jump of the Creative Writing Major.” Hey, it’s a job.

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A man dressed as a friar jumps from a ten meter (33 feet) cliff at “The Jump of the Friar,” a local restaurant, as a tourist attraction in Lima, May 28, 2009. REUTERS/ Pilar Olivares

Well, THIS is a FINE mess!

We’re right on deadline for the Time cover story about Pope Benedict meeting Israeli President Shimon Peres in Jerusalem, and we don’t know which is which!

We’re losing money with every minute that goes by! Does anybody have the slightest idea who’s who?

That humongous cross dangling from the one guy’s white outfit COULD be a clue, but I’m not certain. And yeah, those Vatican and Israeli flags may mean something, but… I guess we’ll just have to flip a coin!

Wait! We’re SAVED! Here come some more specific photo captions! Look! The pope is on the left and Peres is on the right! Huzzah!

I can’t believe we came THIS close to getting it wrong!

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Above: Pope Benedict (L) embraces Israel’s President Shimon Peres (R) during a ceremony at the president’s residence in Jerusalem, May 11, 2009. REUTERS/ Ettore Ferrari/Pool

Left: Pope Benedict meets Israel’s President Shimon Peres (R) in Jerusalem. REUTERS/ Rina Castelnuovo/Pool

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Blog Guy, you seem to know a lot about real art. Can you please tell me what makes some old painting really valuable, like say one by Vincent van Gogh? Those sell for thousands of dollars, right?

Sure. Sometimes even tens of thousands of dollars. But what most people don’t know is, van Gogh didn’t put any hangers on the back of his paintings.

Um, so?

So a lot of what you’re spending goes to a permanent staff of strongmen to hold the painting up on your wall, as you can see. Manpower costs quickly start to mount.

I never knew that! Where do you get all of your behind-the-scenes inside info?

I make up a lot of it, but I also learn plenty from photo captions. For instance, the actual caption below says this painting is by ”late Dutch artist Vincent van Gogh.” See,  that word “late” before his name clarifies he is dead, for readers who might have thought that having produced this piece in 1888, the resilient artist remains alive and well, painting away in 2009.

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Employees Claude Bosch (R) and Dieter Marti fix the painting ‘Wheatfield with Sheaves’ from 1888 of late Dutch artist Vincent van Gogh (1853-90) to a wall at Kunstmuseum Basel in Basel, April 18, 2009. REUTERS/Arnd Wiegmann

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