Blog Guy, you’re known for your great career advice. I think I’d like something in the military - my girlfriend says I look GREAT in uniform!

Well, there’s plenty of military available these days.

Here’s the catch. I don’t fwant to be in any danger. Can you tell me the very, very, very safest military branch to join? It doesn’t have to be in the U.S.

Sure, that would be the Bolivian Navy.

Interesting. And why is that so safe?

Bolivia is a land-locked country. It does share Lake Titicaca with Peru, but when is the last time you read a reference to the bloody “Battle of Titicaca?”

Heh-heh-heh… Titicaca is a funny word….

Uh, yeah. Here’s a photo of Bolivian sailors. I’m sending you an enlistment form.

Hey, that’s real nice lighting on that photo!

Thanks, I’ll pass that along!

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Sailors from the Bolivian navy wait in a biometric registry center of the Bolivian electoral court, as part of the process to register themselves as voters, in Bolivia, September 18, 2009. REUTERS/ David Mercado

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Blog Guy, I can count and I like birds. What would be a good career for me?

Those are pretty strong qualifications in today’s job market. I would suggest a career in Swan Upping.

Swan what?

Swan Uppers count swans in the river Thames, over in England. For five days every July they put on red jackets and count swans for the Queen. The Queen watches, I guess to make sure she’s not getting screwed out of any swans.

Why do they want to know how many swans the queen has?

According to the official Website, Swan Upping began in the 12th century, because, and I quote, “At that time swans were regarded as a delicious dish at banquets and feasts.”

You’re just making that up.

No, you can read it here. I suppose it tastes like chicken.

What do Swan Uppers do the other 51 weeks a year?

Nothing, as far as I know.

Count me in! I’ll bring you back some neck meat!

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Above: Britain’s Queen Elizabeth poses with her team of Swan Uppers before watching the annual Swan Upping census on the river Thames, near Windsor, southern England July 20, 2009.

Right: The queen watches as Swan Uppers release swans back into the river.

REUTERS photos by Sang Tan/Pool

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Blog Guy, you’ve given lots of career pointers, especially warning people about jobs to stay away from. If I’m not mistaken, your advice is free?

Yes, my advice is totally gratuitous.

That’s just how it  seems to your readers. Any new jobs to avoid?

Yeah. This one in the photo.

I see what you mean!  He’s jumping from a helicopter into the water!

You don’t understand. That’s the easy part. He’s called a “mine diver.” After jumping from the chopper he looks for mines and attaches explosives to them, meaning there isn’t one single aspect of this job that appeals to me.

Pay attention, recent grads. Any job title that includes the words “underwater mine,” “diver,” “explosive” or “German Navy” means you’re better off unemployed.

Thanks. I just graduated with an Art History major.

Ah. Then you should go for this mine diver thing, if it offers dental.

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Above: German Navy mine diver jumps into water from helicopter during media exercise of the underwater diving branch of the German Navy, in the Baltic Sea off the coast of Eckernfoerde, Germany, July 1, 2009.

Right: A mine diver attaches an explosive charge dummy on a sea mine during the exercise.

REUTERS photos by Morris Mac Matzen

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Blog Guy, I recently graduated from college with a major in creative writing and a minor in film studies. What sort of job should I be looking for?

Can you juggle?

What? You mean like tennis balls?

No, more like chainsaws. Ones that are actually running. If you check out the photo below, I think there may be an opening when Stumpy here “retires.”

We already know that his assistant, Lefty, isn’t going to move up in the organization.

Maybe you didn’t understand me. I said creative writing and film studies. Shouldn’t I command something better than chainsaw-juggling?

Of course, my mistake. Do you think you could bend a horseshoe with your teeth?

Yes, thanks! That’s more like it!

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Above: Rainer Schroeder, 48, from Germany, bends a horseshoe with his teeth to set a new World Record during the Impossibility Challenger in Dachau, north of Munich June 21, 2009.

Left: Milan Roskopf, of Slovakia, juggles three motor saws during the Impossibility Challenger.

REUTERS photos by Michaela Rehle

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Welcome back to our popular feature, Stuff Maybe we Should Have Mentioned in the Caption, but Didn’t.

Now, the actual photo caption we put on these pictures tells us a man dressed as a friar is jumping off a 33-foot cliff at a restaurant in Peru, as a tourist attraction.

Huh? He’s doing what? In fairness, our caption also says the restaurant’s name is “The Jump of the Friar,” so either this is quite an amazing coincidence, or else the guy works for the place.

I suppose he’s just happy they didn’t decide to name it “The Beheading of the Friar” or the “Colonoscopy of the Friar” or something like that.

But anyway, here’s my point. You recent college graduates with difficult-to-market skills should pay attention. One of these days this guy won’t come out of the water, which is your opportunity to be the star attraction at Peru’s newest cliff-side eatery, “The Jump of the Creative Writing Major.” Hey, it’s a job.

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A man dressed as a friar jumps from a ten meter (33 feet) cliff at “The Jump of the Friar,” a local restaurant, as a tourist attraction in Lima, May 28, 2009. REUTERS/ Pilar Olivares

Blog Guy, you write a lot about military careers, and I could use some advice. I want to be able to wear a whole bunch of medals, to impress the chicks.

So you’re saying you want to see lots of combat and earn medals of honor and valor and purple hearts and stuff?

I don’t wanna see combat at all. I just want a butt-load of medals.

Ah, then move to Britain and serve there. Look at this photo. Prince Charles did five years in their military, and look at the medals and braid and geegaws he has.

Yes! That’s what I’m talking about! What did he have to do for those?

It says here he learned to fly a bunch of stuff, like a Chipmunk and a Nimrod…

I’m supposed to attract chicks by saying, “Wanna go up in my Nimrod, baby?”

There’s more. He’s also qualified on the Spitfire.

That’s a WWII plane. They stopped making ‘em 60 years ago! “Hey, cutie! Wanna come with me to get some Nazis?” I’m not Snoopy, for Lord’s sake!

Hey! You want trinkets all over your uniform, you need to fly some silly planes. I don’t make the rules.

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Britain’s Prince Charles and his wife leave after attending a Service of Thanksgiving to commemorate the 100th anniversary of Naval aviation, at St Paul’s Cathedral in London May 8, 2009. REUTERS/ Stefan Wermuth

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Blog Guy, I’m CEO of a struggling U.S. company. I need to reduce my Information Technology costs. My employees act like computers grow on trees, abusing equipment and stuff. Our geeky tech staff is too timid to crack the whip. Help!

Maybe you’re hiring your techies in the wrong place, sir. Send your recruiters to the Information Technology college, in Baghdad.

As you can see here, their grads won’t put up with crap from your whiny workers.

They’re pretty impressive, I must say.

Exactly. Imagine one of your employees shows up hung-over in the morning, spills coffee in his keyboard and calls Tech Support. Now imagine two or three of these guys answering his call. What sort of workers do you employ, if I may ask?

Um, journalists.

Oh. Then I’d hire several hundred of these dudes.

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Students of the Information Technology college dress in costumes during a celebration of their graduation ceremony in al-Nahrain University in Baghdad May 5, 2009. REUTERS/ Thaier al-Sudani

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Blog Guy, I took a vocational preference test and it said I should be a horticulturist. I’m embarrassed to say I don’t know what that is. Can you tell me?

Sure. A horticulturist is someone who takes care of dogs.

Really? That surprises me. I’ve never had a dog, and there were no questions about dogs on the test. Are you sure?

Absolutely. Look at these photos of the White House horticulturist with President Bush’s dog Miss Beazley, and President Obama’s dog Bo. I don’t think the White House would get something like that wrong. The word horticulture comes from the Latin root for pooper-scooper, and means  “You did WHAT in the Lincoln Bedroom?”

But this is awful! I’m all set to go off to an agricultural college in the fall!

It’s better to know now than to study for years and then wash out. You should cancel your college plans and see if this Haney guy needs any dog help.

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White House Horticulturist Dale Haney holds President George W. Bush’s dog Miss Beazley on the South Lawn of the White House, May 6, 2007. REUTERS/Yuri Gripas

White House Horticulturist Dale Haney walks President Barack Obama’s dog Bo at the White House, April 27, 2009. REUTERS/Jim Young

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This time of year I get lots of queries from college seniors asking for career advice.

Often they say, “Bobby, are there any signs I can look for that might indicate I’ve chosen the wrong career?”

Sure, there are quite a few, and you’d be smart to read my past CAREERS posts. But here are a couple of new thoughts:

• If you’re moving at a high rate of speed and there’s a huge fuming bull chasing you, and you’re not drunk and you’re not in Pamplona, then your career counselor owes you or your widow an apology.
• If the ground is moving under you and you seem to be  hanging onto a big sharp horn, and you can feel hot nostril snorts on your leg and there’s a hole in the butt of your fancy purple jammies, maybe you should have thought twice before majoring in Creative Writing and Film Studies.

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Above: Spanish bullfighter Rafaelillo runs after being tackled by a bull in Seville, April 20, 2009.

Below: Spanish bullfighter Sergio Aguilar is tackled by a bull in Seville, April 21, 2009.

REUTERS photos by Marcelo del Pozo

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Blog Guy, I’ve noticed that every time you offer career advice about the military, all you do is write about the jobs you consider crappy. Are there ANY good jobs?

Yes. These troops here are watching as tons of marijuana goes up in smoke, if you catch my drift.

They’re just standing there.

I presume they’re also inhaling, if you catch my drift.

So this would be a good assignment?

Absolutely, especially when the Big Snack Truck shows up, if you catch my drift.

And all they have to do is be in a straight formation?

More of a Zigzag, if you…

Yes, I DO catch your drift, Blog Guy.! The village idiot would catch your drift!

Oh. Now I’ve forgotten what I was saying, if you catch…

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Soldiers stand in formation as packages of marijuana are incinerated at a military base in Monterrey, northern Mexico, April 24, 2009. More than 9 tons of marijuana and drugs such as cocaine, heroin, methamphetamines and psychotropic pills were destroyed as part of efforts to crack down on the drug trade. REUTERS/Tomas Bravo

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