Blog Guy, I’ve noticed that every time you offer career advice about the military, all you do is write about the jobs you consider crappy. Are there ANY good jobs?

Yes. These troops here are watching as tons of marijuana goes up in smoke, if you catch my drift.

They’re just standing there.

I presume they’re also inhaling, if you catch my drift.

So this would be a good assignment?

Absolutely, especially when the Big Snack Truck shows up, if you catch my drift.

And all they have to do is be in a straight formation?

More of a Zigzag, if you…

Yes, I DO catch your drift, Blog Guy.! The village idiot would catch your drift!

Oh. Now I’ve forgotten what I was saying, if you catch…

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Soldiers stand in formation as packages of marijuana are incinerated at a military base in Monterrey, northern Mexico, April 24, 2009. More than 9 tons of marijuana and drugs such as cocaine, heroin, methamphetamines and psychotropic pills were destroyed as part of efforts to crack down on the drug trade. REUTERS/Tomas Bravo

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Blog Guy, It’s me - the aspiring photojournalist you’ve been advising. know these are hard times in journalism, and I’m wondering if news organizations are cutting costs in the area of photography.

I’m afraid so. Many media outlets have shifted to hiring nuns for photo assignments. You see whole herds of nuns at all the big news events these days.

Nuns? Why nuns?

Do the math. They’re practically everywhere, they work cheap, they don’t cheat on their expenses, and they can carry tons of equipment in those outfits.

Their habits?

Good point. They do have better habits than most photographers.

Are they any good? How do they even judge the distance to their subject?

Many of them seem to have easy access to rulers and yardsticks. I don’t know why.

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Nuns take pictures as they attend the traditional Greek Orthodox Washing of the Feet ceremony outside the Church of the Holy Sepulchre in Jerusalem’s Old City April 16, 2009, ahead of Orthodox Easter. REUTERS/Darren Whiteside

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Quick quiz: The man in this photo…

a) is a professional aspirin tester, giving himself a routine headache at the start of his workday.

b) is a Kindle reader who just HATES the new John Grisham book!

c) is disappointed to realize he could’ve had a V8.

d) is killing flies by a method that isn’t doctor-recommended.

This item is for all you college seniors writing in to ask me about careers in the exciting field of iron sheet disposal. I can tell you from tough personal experience that it’s not as glamorous as it looks.

For one thing, you lose about twenty IQ points a year doing this, which means you can only work for… for… what was I saying?

A shaolin monk breaks an iron sheet with his head during a performance at a temple in Quanzhou, Fujian province, China, April 9, 2009. REUTERS/Stringer

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I’m not going to prolong it. The Worst Job in the World title came down to a number of factors - danger, grossness, fecalocitude, etc.

In the end, I had to choose the worst job I happen to have a photo of, and that brings us to the exciting field of elephant proctology.

Astoundingly, one person guessed it right in a comment on my Oddly Enough Facebook blog wall. They left no name, which I guess means they’re currently wanted by the law for something or other.

For those of you wondering what the doctor is saying here:

• “Damn Verizon! I’m getting no reception in here at all!”
• “Feels like he had egg salad and guacamole for dinner.”
• “Bring me the tree trimmers! He’s got hemorrhoids the size of a schnauzer!”
• “I found my lunchbox, Lonnie! Is it noon yet?”
  

Here is the job in real life, so you college grads looking at glossy brochures, pay attention! Got a degree in creative writing? The interview line starts you-know-where.

If you like this blog, become a community organizer. Comment on it. Send it to your friends and enemies. Link to it from  your blogs and Websites. Share it, Digg it, Mixx it, Twitter it. What’s the worst they can do to you?

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A doctor cleans the rectum of Jamilah, a 29-year-old female elephant, before conducting a four-dimensional ultrasound exam, in a 2007 file photo. REUTERS/Tim Chong

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It is gratifying to see the response to yesterday’s post about the Very Worst Job in the World. Guesses are still very welcome, and the actual job will be announced at 11 a.m. on Thursday.

With regret, I’ve disqualified all the folks who guessed their own jobs. That’s just too easy. One of those was the guy who edits this very blog. Sorry, I don’t think so.

I have to say the single most commonly guessed job was U.S. Secretary of the Interior. Good try, people, but that one is just too obvious.

There were some very creative suggestions. In Peoria, Ill., 76 pre-teen boys sat in a room for three hours, brainstorming the question. They sent me 462 guesses, not one of which can even be printed here. Way to go, boys!

So keep them coming - you have like 20 hours left. Just to help you along, here’s a small section of the real Worst Job person at work. Tomorrow, the entire photo. 

Remember to make your guess at the Worst Job in the World

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President-elect Barack Obama (L) hugs Colorado Senator Ken Salazar, his nominee for secretary of interior, at a news conference in Chicago, December 17, 2008. REUTERS/Jeff Haynes

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Blog Guy, my daughter hasn’t decided on a career. You give great job advice, and you’ve even named the worst job in the world. Could you remind me what that was?

Oh, I’ve written about so many bad careers. There’s crocodile dentistry, being a crew member aboard a homemade submarine, being a trolleybus driver’s assistant.

Yeah, yeah, those are all very bad, but I know you’ve had worse.

I’ve mentioned lots of jobs in the exciting field of fireworks. Firecracker tester, fireworks hauler, firecracker victim, confiscated fireworks gasoline soaker and burner.

Hey, those fireworks jobs sound pretty sweet!

Wow. Do you live in Texas?  What about bad jobs in the military? Like the dude who looks down rifle barrels to see if anything seems wrong.

No, worse than that.

The Osama bin Laden look-alike who patrols a slum with a toy rifle? The Semen-collecting fake cow driver? The women in skimpy outfits who have to sit right in the barf-path of Wing Bowl competitors and stare longingly at their greasy mouths?

That would a horrible fate for my Zoe Belle, but I know you have worse.

Look lady, I know what you want, but don’t make me use that photo. Please.

I’m writing to your editor. You’ll show the photo before this week is over!

I want guesses from readers. Go wild, because this photo has never been used here.

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Above: Fernando Aguirre, locally known as Osama Bin Laden, patrols Bogota slum, in 2008 photo. REUTERS/ Daniel Munoz

Below: Wing Bowl champion John “Super Squibb” Squibb wins the chicken wing eating contest in Philadelphia, January 30, 2009. REUTERS/Tim Shaffer

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Today we have a video clip of a sword swallower who says - now prepare to be stunned - it’s a dangerous thing to do.

No way! Who the heck would have figured that giving yourself a colonoscopy with 30 inches of cold steel could be dangerous?

This guy even goes so far as to say sword swallowing is a “dying art,” which is kind of a masterpiece of irony. You have to listen carefully to understand him, because I believe he’s missing a tongue.

He also tells us that what he loves about it is watching the audience reaction. I’m guessing it’s good to remember not to take a bow in the middle of the act, though.

The reason I’m mentioning this is that I get a lot of questions from recent college grads asking about careers in this particular area of show biz, and my advice is always the same:

If you majored in creative writing or film studies, go for it. Otherwise, you can probably do better.

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I’m always amazed at the number of queries I get about careers in the exciting field of rattlesnakes.

Guys, having the word rattlesnake on your business card is a chick-magnet, trust me. But not all of those jobs are as glamorous as you might think.

Now, you take this photo, of a dude shining a flashlight into a snake den after pumping gas to it. Gas-Pumping Flashlight-Shiner is a bad job. It’s pretty far down the ladder, right under being the rattlesnake itself.

That brings me to you gals thinking of being a Live Rattlesnake Necklace Model. My advice, if you model snakes, the word DEAD should be in there, like Dead Rattlesnake Belt Model or something.

What snake job DO I recommend? I loved being the Rattlesnake Jokester, who carries an old rattle and shakes it right behind the Flashlight-Shiners. You should just SEE the expression on their faces as they run for the porta-jon!

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Above: A snake hunter shines a flashlight into a rattlesnake den after pumping gasoline into it as men with tongs wait to catch the snakes during a guided snake hunt at the World’s Biggest Rattlesnake Round-up, in Sweetwater, Texas, March 14, 2009.

Below: Sweetwater Jaycee drapes a snake around a woman’s neck as she poses for a picture at the Rattlesnake Round-up.

REUTERS photos by Jessica Rinaldi

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I know a lot of you young readers come here for tips on jobs, and I have just become aware of a new career path which I simply cannot recommend.

It turns out, wildlife managers are seeing if they can keep crocodiles from returning to residential neighborhoods by taping magnets to their heads to disrupt their “homing” ability. I am not making this up.

Kids, if you’re at work and you find yourself sticking a magnet to the head of a toothy reptile with packing tape, maybe you should redo your résumé.

The grads I know who have tried this job say there are serious drawbacks. If you don’t believe me, just contact “Stumpy,” “Lefty,” “Hopalong,” “Elbow Willy” and “Scalpless Sutton.”

Of course, as always, if you majored in Creative Writing or Film Studies, you should ignore this advice. Croc-taping could be just what you’ve been looking for.

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Actual crocodile magnet photos courtesy of the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission

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Blog Guy, I’m a U.S. businessman who wants to outsource jobs to China. First, I need to build a big factory and office over there. Do you know a good building firm?

Wait just a minute. You’ll pay through the nose for a “good” building firm. I strongly recommend you put together a team of recent carpentry grads from someplace like Shanghai Tool School.

Is that a good school?

There you go again, with that word “good.” All of their grads take an intensive two-week carpentry program.

Two weeks? For professional carpenters? I don’t know.

Look, these guys are eager to learn on the job. You should go for the ones with severe head wounds. Salary-wise, they’re not in a great negotiating position.

Thanks! Anybody I should avoid hiring?

Yeah, the students who majored in power drills. You’ll spot them easily.

e-mail this guy to someone who irritates you!

Local performers dressed as villains injured by tools during a traditional “Kuaihuo” parade at Chisha, Shaanxi province, China, February 8, 2009. “Kuaihuo” is a local traditional performance which originated from an ancient story. REUTERS/Reinhard Krause

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