Blog Guy, it’s that time of month again. What were the most popular postings in your blog? I have a lot of money riding on that one about using dead models in fashion shows. Am I right?

Car Pool Fool

You know, I still think you and your car pool pals should be betting on something other than this, or maybe even saving up in case your kids get into college. But I have to admit you may be pleased with the March results.

Here are the five most popular posts, starting with number five and working my way down to the top slot, like the big guys do it:

5. Why so crabby, Abby?

4. They don’t have enough problems?

3. When stupid guys try to deceive…

2. Proposing marriage not an outdoor sport

1. I wouldn’t be caught dead in that dress!

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Dear Mom and Dad,

Sorry it’s been so long since I last wrote. Madrid is still great! I love the people here! This morning on the metro there were a bunch of clowns, passing out brochures and joking with passengers. You know, doing the things clowns do.

Like, this one clown had a long white stick and he was going up some stairs acting like he was blind! Criminy! I laughed until I… well you know, actually I didn’t laugh. What on Earth is supposed to be funny about that, anyway? Don’t they get what clowns are supposed to do?

Clowns, the slideshow and related post: DON’T send in the clowns!

Don Ambrosio the clown jokes with metro riders as he gives out brochures with information about Madrid’s “Night of Theaters” March 27, 2008. REUTERS/Susana Vera

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Maybe he’s not quite the unluckiest guy alive, but he’ll do until Mr. Unlucky comes along. A shepherd in Russia is suing his country’s space agency after a 10-foot-long chunk of metal from a rocket fell into his yard, just missing his outdoor toilet.

He wasn’t in it at the time, but it’s still way too close for me. Would you want your obit to say you died when space rubble pulverized your outhouse? “Hold your horses, honey, I’m almost done! Can you toss in another roll of Charmin, so I can…”

That’s the kind of thing where the family makes up another story, like you went away to shoot an upcoming American Idol series or whatever. I’m pretty sure of one thing: every new outhouse they build there in the future will have a skylight…

Related post: No food? What kind of toilet IS this?

Royal flush? Britain’s Prince Charles walks out of a bush toilet during a visit to Australia in a 2005 file photo. REUTERS/David Gray

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It’s time once again for our regular feature, Things Maybe We Should Have Mentioned in the Caption, but Didn’t. The genuine caption for this news photo from Iraq tells us these police graduates are demonstrating their “skills.”

Huh? What skills are we talking about here? Since when is getting run over considered skilled labor?

“Ma, didja see me? Lookit these cool tread marks! Me and Biff are thinkin’ of goin’ pro! He wants to try the act with an 18-wheeler. Yeah, Biff’s always the driver and I’m always the ground man, why do you ask?”

Slideshow and related post: Just don’t make eye contact…

A policeman drives a motorcycle over police graduates as they demonstrate their skills during a graduation ceremony in Baghdad March 20, 2008.  REUTERS/Mahmoud Raouf Mahmoud

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Blog Guy, I’m graduating in May, and you seem to have slowed down your career advice at the very time we need it the most. What other tips can you give to college seniors?

Here’s something. If you answer a job ad looking for somebody to ride horses, look in front of the word horses. If you see the word wild there, hang up the phone.

I don’t understand.

Look. If you find yourself on a horse that is at a 180-degree angle and he’s not standing at the bar buying drinks for you and your buddies, your career counselor played a honking big practical joke on you. Good luck, and I care.

Enjoy the slideshow and really bad puns: Showing off gaucho marks…

A Uruguayan gaucho rides a wild horse during the celebration of the Creole Week in Montevideo March 18, 2008. REUTERS/Andres Stapff

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“Just a second there, private!

“You! Number 62,349 from the left, and 127,835 from the front! You’re peeking! I am telling you right now, we are not going to continue this game until everybody covers their eyes.

“That’s better. Now, Simon says use your little fingers to stretch your cheeks and stick out your tongues! Great! Does this army know how to have fun, or what? Okay, who’s up for some carry-out?”

Related: Soldiers fail to understand the concept of a hat…

Soldiers of People’s Liberation Army adjust hats during a gathering for a meeting at a military base in Hangzhou, China, March, 18, 2008. REUTERS/Stringer

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Blog Guy, I have an unusual fashion problem.  

I work in Hell. Oh, don’t seem so surprised. It’s a service industry just like anything else! We greet the newcomers, stoke the fires, cook the Brussels sprouts, and so on.

I want clothes that fit with the mood, but still let me have a social life. Outfits that say, ”Welcome to eternal damnation, do you know anybody looking for a fun time?”

Sure! I get the statement you want to make. It’s like, ”I’m Lady Death, but hey, I have a whimsical side, too!” I think some creations from this Paris show would be perfect for you.

Related post: Evening, Mrs. Vader. Darth is over there…

Model presents creations by Japanese designer Yohji Yamamoto as part of his Fall/Winter 2008/09 women’s ready-to-wear fashion show in Paris February 25, 2008. REUTERS/ Gonzalo Fuentes

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We have a story about a breeder of fighting bulls who  plans to clone his best stud. The stud sired two bulls that impressed a famous bullfighter named El Juli so much that we’re told he “keeps their heads mounted at home.”

Excuse me? Where I’m from, we don’t say, ”That’s a real impressive dog you have there, Judy! I’d like to hang its head in my rec room.” 

I’m guessing El Juli didn’t wait for those bulls to die of natural causes, either. It sounds like he has issues with expressing positive emotions in a healthy way. 

Maybe El Juli could try saying: ”What a wonderful bull! I will pay for him to spend the rest of his days sitting under a cork tree, just smelling the flowers.” For more details, refer to Ferdinand.

Spanish bullfighter Julian Lopez “El Juli” tries to get a bull’s attention during a bullfight in the northern Spanish town of Gijon, August 13, 2006. REUTERS/Eloy Alonso

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Blog Guy, I’ve put together a loose-leaf notebook of your very helpful career advice, but sometimes I’m not totally clear on what you’re saying.

Sorry, I will try to be more direct. Here is a tip for you: if your job allows you to see firsthand whether a tiger still has has its tonsils, then your guidance counselor may have let you down.

Nope, I still don’t get your point.

Okay. What I’m saying is, at NO TIME during the course of your working shift should you be in a position to lose your contact lens in a jungle animal’s throat. Let’s see, how else can I put it? If you can tell for certain that a tiger had garlic sauce on his gazelle for lunch, then take three steps backward and call in sick.

A trainer puts his head inside a tiger’s mouth during a performance at a zoo in Xiamen, Fujian province, February 16, 2008. Picture taken February 16, 2008. REUTERS/China Daily

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Blog Guy, I got a new lathe for Christmas, and it made me wonder. Are there instruction manuals for power tools in every single language?

No. In many places, local do-it-yourselfers just gather in public and experiment with their new tools until they figure them out. Much is lost in translation, and this scene here seems to be a catastrophe in the making. Sort of like that time they tried mastering their new blowtorches.

Stuntmen perform in a park to celebrate the new Chinese lunar year in Xiangfan February 9, 2008. REUTERS/Stringer

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