Blog Guy, I’m a U.S. businessman who wants to outsource jobs to China. First, I need to build a big factory and office over there. Do you know a good building firm?

Wait just a minute. You’ll pay through the nose for a “good” building firm. I strongly recommend you put together a team of recent carpentry grads from someplace like Shanghai Tool School.

Is that a good school?

There you go again, with that word “good.” All of their grads take an intensive two-week carpentry program.

Two weeks? For professional carpenters? I don’t know.

Look, these guys are eager to learn on the job. You should go for the ones with severe head wounds. Salary-wise, they’re not in a great negotiating position.

Thanks! Anybody I should avoid hiring?

Yeah, the students who majored in power drills. You’ll spot them easily.

e-mail this guy to someone who irritates you!

Local performers dressed as villains injured by tools during a traditional “Kuaihuo” parade at Chisha, Shaanxi province, China, February 8, 2009. “Kuaihuo” is a local traditional performance which originated from an ancient story. REUTERS/Reinhard Krause

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A reader in Brooklyn writes, “I’m looking for a change of career, Bob. How can I enter the exciting world of having firecrackers thrown at my bare skin?”

I get that question a lot these days, thanks to late-night cable ads. Sorry, but I’m going to advise against this career.

Sure, the guy in these pictures SEEMS to be having a great time as real fireworks explode on his body, but after a few minutes the novelty wears off and the flames may actually become irritating.

One of the guys quoted in our story on this was in his 25th year of being burned in this annual ritual. He says he doesn’t go to the hospital - he just gets his wounds treated at friends’ homes.

“Hey Ralphie, stop knockin’ so loud! Do you know what time it is? Oh cripes, is it already Fireworks Night again? Lola, it’s just Ralphie. Bring the ointment and the fire extinguisher!

“Geez, Ralphie, don’t you have ANY other friends? Hey, watch the new sofa!”

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People throw firecrackers at a shirtless man acting as Master Handan during the Handan ritual on Yuan-Hsiao, the 15th day after the Chinese Lunar New Year, in Taidung, Taiwan, February 9, 2009. REUTERS/Nicky Loh

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I’m getting e-mails from recent grads asking for career advice. They should start with my previous posts, but I do have some new tips, as well.

These photos illustrate some common mistakes made by grads who jump at the first job.

Please remember two of Bob’s career rules:

1. A good job will not involve anything squirting out of your eyes except maybe a contact lens. Certainly not milk, as seen here. Milk is meant to squirt out your nose, when you see something funny.

2. A good job will not generally involve a pole with sharp blades attached. Think of it this way: If there is some chance that your fingers will reach the ground before the rest of you, avoid the job. Unless you majored in Film Studies.

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A performer squirts milk through his eyes during a performance to celebrate Chinese New Year in Beijing, January 29, 2009. REUTERS/ Christina Hu

An acrobat hangs from a pole with blades during a performance to celebrate Chinese New Year at an amusement park in Beijing, January 28, 2009. REUTERS/ Reinhard Krause

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Blog Guy, I hear your readership is getting huge. I guess we can look forward to your Oddly Enough blog for some time, huh?

Fat chance, loser!

Excuse me?

I hope that didn’t sound rude. I just mailed my application for the greatest job in the world, and with my blogging experience I’m a shoe-in.

Really! What’s that?

Tourism officials in Australia want someone to explore the islands of the Great Barrier Reef and write a weekly blog with a photo diary and video updates.

Yikes! How much do you have to pay for that?

They pay YOU! Plus, there’s a luxury house and a pool and other stuff! Just go ahead and bookmark bob’sislandparadiseblog.com.

What happened to the last person who did it?

Who knows? Probably eaten by a shark or wallaby or barbie or diggery or something. That’s his problem.

Plus, it’s AUSTRALIA! That means I get to spend time in lovely Vienna! I pointed that out on my application.

Vienna Australia? Uh, Blog Guy, you may not want to quit your day job yet.

Okay. What day job?

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Say, Roy, you got any kids?

Yeah, three. My daughter’s a professor at NYU, my son’s an economist, and my other son’s studying to be Satan. We’re real proud of…

Excuse me, Roy. Did you say Satan?

Yeah, they got a School for Satan over there someplace. It’s sort of like a Santa Claus deal - Satan has a lot of little helpers.

We’re talking about The Antichrist? Beelzebub? The Prince of Darkness?

Yeah, once they graduate they get jobs right away. The pay’s pretty good. Plus, they got a 666k retirement plan.

I had no idea. Did you get to see him over Christmas?

Nah, Christmas isn’t a big holiday for him. Plus, it’s hard for him to get through airport security. Turns out the name Satan is on a lot of lists, and what with that trident through his face and all…

I understand. And where did you say this school is?

You wouldn’t be familiar with it - it’s way out in the Styx.

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A man with syringes and a spike inserted through his skin performs during a show at a nightclub in Singapore, January 8, 2009. REUTERS/Vivek Prakash

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Blog Guy, you give great career advice. Can you suggest one for me?

I’ll try. What do you like to do?

I really enjoy cleaning my ears with cotton swabs. It gives me hours of enjoyment.

I see. Then you may want to train for a career of cleaning the barrels on military tanks. It’s pretty much the same principle.

That’s for me! But is there any downside?

Well, yeah, this does violate my number one career rule: “Don’t take a job where you have to stand in the path of something that could pulverize you.” As these photos show, Tank Barrel Cleaning and Tank Barrel Adjusting fit into that category.

I don’t care! This is a dream job for me!

Then follow your dream! And keep in touch if, you know…

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Above: An Israeli soldier adjusts the barrel of a tank near Kibbutz Sufa, December 28, 2008.

Below: An Israeli soldier cleans the barrel of a tank near Kibbutz Sufa. REUTERS photos by Yannis Behrakis

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Blog Guy, I’m very worried. Our teenage son seems to enjoy torturing animals, especially when lots of people are watching. Should we send him to a psychiatrist?

Hold on, it sounds like he may have natural talent as a bullfighter. Have  you considered sending him to a bullfighting school?

You mean they actually TEACH bullfighting to young people?

Of course! What did you think, they just grab grown-up sickos off the street and shove them into a bull ring?

Would he have to wear those silly outfits and dumb-looking bullfighter hats?

Sure. That’s what helps make bullfighting the great sport that it is.

Are you familiar with any of the schools?

No, but I have contributed heavily to a different school, to teach young bulls how to defend themselves. I hope your son grows up to meet one of our graduates.

Bullfighter school slideshow

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Bullfighting pupils perform at an international meeting of bullfighter schools at the Arruda dos Vinhos arena in Portugal, December 26, 2008.

REUTERS photos by Jose Manuel Ribeiro

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Blog Guy, now that the election is over I hope you’re not going to stop your advice for those of us who want to break into news photography. I’ve memorized your stuff on shooting luggage, shoes, handshakes and  stairs, but I’m wondering when we’ll get to the REALLY dramatic stuff.

Ah. You mean gift-giving and folks in chairs.

I do?

Sure! Who doesn’t love seeing a whole bunch of folks looking straight at the camera? This shot has 11 people, but ideally you should have at least 20. A good place to go for guidance on this kind of shot is your high school yearbook. Look up photos of the Student Council, and study them.

Oh. And what did you say about gifts?

Well, next to hand-shaking, guys giving unspecified presents to each other are always fun to see over and over. Just look at these dudes trying to pass this chunk of whatever it is back and forth. Now THAT’S the human condition, right there!

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Above: Chen Yunlin (bottom row 2nd L), Chairman of China’s Association for Relations Across the Taiwan Straits, Taiwan’s President Ma Ying-jeou (bottom row C) and Taiwan’s Straits Exchange Foundation Chairman P.K. Chiang (bottom row 2nd R) pose in Taipei, November 6, 2008.

Below: Chen Yunlin receives a gift from Ma Ying-jeou, November 6, 2008.

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The actual caption for this photo below says these workers are TESTING FIRECRACKERS at a firecracker factory. I am not making this up.

Herbie, welcome to your first day as a firecracker tester here at Acme. Any questions?

Um, what kind of stuff am I testing for?

Well, some of our firecrackers have wicks that are too short. So we need to test ‘em to see.

Is that all?

No, some of them seem to be too heavy to throw very far, so we want to identify those.

Anything else?

Yes, some of them have WAY too much gunpowder in them, so our lawyers say we really need to find those. Here’s your first book of matches, good luck!

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Laborers test firecrackers at a firecracker factory on the outskirts of the Indian city of Siliguri, October 21, 2008. REUTERS/Rupak De Chowdhuri

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I’m embarrassed for these guys. The photo captions say they are in the Air Force, and are displaying their “skills.”

But here’s a tip. If you find yourself slithering along the dusty ground with a bayonet on the end of your rifle, you may have joined the WRONG Air Force! There’s a chance you got drunk and signed up for that other branch, Dudes Who Crawl Along With Bayonets Until They are Strafed by the Air Force.

By definition, guys in the Air Force are supposed to see the enemy from way high up in the sky, not from the end of a bayonet.

I’ll go further. Any organization that defines using a bayonet as a “skill” probably isn’t where you want to spend your life.  I know that will get me in trouble with the Bayonet Jugglers and Snake Handlers Union, but I have to call ‘em as I see ‘em.

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Air Force personnel display their skills during the passing-out ceremony at their air force base in Trincomalee, eastern Sri Lanka October 18, 2008. REUTERS/ Stringer

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