Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Nice job! What’s it pay?

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I’m always amazed at the number of queries I get about careers in the exciting field of rattlesnakes.

Guys, having the word rattlesnake on your business card is a chick-magnet, trust me. But not all of those jobs are as glamorous as you might think.

Now, you take this photo, of a dude shining a flashlight into a snake den after pumping gas to it. Gas-Pumping Flashlight-Shiner is a bad job. It’s pretty far down the ladder, right under being the rattlesnake itself.

That brings me to you gals thinking of being a Live Rattlesnake Necklace Model. My advice, if you model snakes, the word DEAD should be in there, like Dead Rattlesnake Belt Model or something.

Hey kid, welcome to Stupidville!

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I know a lot of you young readers come here for tips on jobs, and I have just become aware of a new career path which I simply cannot recommend.

It turns out, wildlife managers are seeing if they can keep crocodiles from returning to residential neighborhoods by taping magnets to their heads to disrupt their “homing” ability. I am not making this up.

What’s that on your forehead, Lonnie?

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Blog Guy, I’m a U.S. businessman who wants to outsource jobs to China. First, I need to build a big factory and office over there. Do you know a good building firm?

Wait just a minute. You’ll pay through the nose for a “good” building firm. I strongly recommend you put together a team of recent carpentry grads from someplace like Shanghai Tool School.

Does ma know you’re doin’ this?

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A reader in Brooklyn writes, “I’m looking for a change of career, Bob. How can I enter the exciting world of having firecrackers thrown at my bare skin?”

I get that question a lot these days, thanks to late-night cable ads. Sorry, but I’m going to advise against this career.

Climbing the career ladder one slice at a time

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I’m getting e-mails from recent grads asking for career advice. They should start with my previous posts, but I do have some new tips, as well.

These photos illustrate some common mistakes made by grads who jump at the first job.

My ticket out of this dump?

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Blog Guy, I hear your readership is getting huge. I guess we can look forward to your Oddly Enough blog for some time, huh?

Fat chance, loser!

Excuse me?

I hope that didn’t sound rude. I just mailed my application for the greatest job in the world, and with my blogging experience I’m a shoe-in.

Junior! Speak of the Devil!

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Say, Roy, you got any kids?

Yeah, three. My daughter’s a professor at NYU, my son’s an economist, and my other son’s studying to be Satan. We’re real proud of…

Excuse me, Roy. Did you say Satan?

Yeah, they got a School for Satan over there someplace. It’s sort of like a Santa Claus deal – Satan has a lot of little helpers.

Gimme another swab, Bob!

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Blog Guy, you give great career advice. Can you suggest one for me?

I’ll try. What do you like to do?

I really enjoy cleaning my ears with cotton swabs. It gives me hours of enjoyment.

I see. Then you may want to train for a career of cleaning the barrels on military tanks. It’s pretty much the same principle.

Send your kid to Cruel School!

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Blog Guy, I’m very worried. Our teenage son seems to enjoy torturing animals, especially when lots of people are watching. Should we send him to a psychiatrist?

Hold on, it sounds like he may have natural talent as a bullfighter. HaveĀ  you considered sending him to a bullfighting school?

Hold still! Everybody say China!

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Blog Guy, now that the election is over I hope you’re not going to stop your advice for those of us who want to break into news photography. I’ve memorized your stuff on shooting luggage, shoes, handshakes andĀ  stairs, but I’m wondering when we’ll get to the REALLY dramatic stuff.

Ah. You mean gift-giving and folks in chairs.

I do?

Sure! Who doesn’t love seeing a whole bunch of folks looking straight at the camera? This shot has 11 people, but ideally you should have at least 20. A good place to go for guidance on this kind of shot is your high school yearbook. Look up photos of the Student Council, and study them.