Oddly Enough Blog

News, but not the serious kind

Back to work! That tank ain’t gonna pull itself!

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tank-crop-160.jpgBlog Guy, I’m enlisting in the Army. They say they will guarantee I’ll become a “tank-puller.” You’re the expert on careers. Does that sound like a good deal?

No, it does not. Do the guys in this photo seem to have a dream job? And it can get a lot worse – sometimes tanks have to go up steep hills.

I never thought of it that way! I’m gonna insist on just being a downhill puller!

Hang on. If you are very clever, you may be able to figure out why pulling a big honking tank DOWNHILL might pose hazards, as well.

Joey, where’s the roof of my car?

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roll-300.jpgBlog Guy, I just graduated from college and I’m looking at careers. Any suggestions? My degree is in English literature. 

In that case, the exciting field of stunt driving may be one of the few careers open to you.

High fashion – a shot in the dark?

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fashion-dark-160.jpgBlog Guy, you give great career advice. I want to enter the glamorous and exciting field of fashion photography.

I understand that there must be quite a lot to learn before I could actually produce pictures that do justice to the creations of the designers. Do you know how much training is required?

Life is swell in our cartel!

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kaibil-skull-120.jpgLife a struggle? Help us smuggle!

Let’s say your business requires you to transport certain items quietly, without much attention. I believe the technical word for it is smuggling. Where do you get guys to do that for you? The local pool hall?

If you’re in Guatemala, it turns out you just advertise on radio, as if you were selling Buicks or something. The ads, aimed at recruiting elite Kaibil ex-soldiers, offer work “securing vehicles transporting merchandise to Mexico,” and then, naturally, they give a contact phone number!

Have you theen my thnake?

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snake-arm-160.jpgBlog Guy, you’re great at giving advice on careers. Should I consider letting venomous snakes bite me for a living?

You know, that’s not as much fun as it sounds. In fact, here’s a pretty good litmus test. If you have a hard time saying the word snake because there’s one hanging from your tongue, you may wish to consider a pro Russian roulette career, instead.

I saw you in the Brooks Brothers catalog!

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I get what happened here. This young gentleman looked at the wrong end of his Assault-Ready Heavy-Duty Atomic Super-Pneumatic Staple Gun, to see if it was loaded, which it turns out it was. I get that, and I certainly have to admire the professional-quality results.

But now he has a problem. Unless he wants to spend his life working as a human cake decorator – not that there’s anything wrong with that – he needs to find a plastic surgeon who is really, really, really good at filling out pesky insurance forms!

Professor Vomit, I need more fire!

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coney-4-160.jpgBlog Guy, I really need your famous career advice. I got into Harvard, but now I can’t find the courses I need to prepare me for the lucrative field of carnival sideshows. Help!

You’re not the first to make that mistake, but you caught it in time. One word for you: Vomit. As in  Professor Donny Vomit, of the famous Coney Island Sideshow School, where you can study sword swallowing, fire eating, sleeping on nails - everything you need to see why the word sideshow is synonymous with glitz and glamour.

We who are about to eat cheese salute you!

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gladiator-face-160.jpgIf you’re thinking of a public relations career, watch and learn. Italy recently did a recall of some mozzarella cheese linked to dioxin contamination. Okay, so how do they restore public confidence in the product?

a) Trot out scientists to say how safe it is
b) Trot out doctors to say how safe it is
c) Feed it to gladiators to show it doesn’t kill them

My sword is at home on the sofa!

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bullfight-face-160.jpgOh, what have I done? Mom wanted me to be a chiropractor, but no! I knew better! Mister Smarty-Pants just HAD to be a matador!

So here I am, dressed like Elton John, in front of all these boobs who came to see blood. They expect me to take my sword and… Caramba! I left my sword at home, on the sofa! Under my CAPE! Can anything ELSE go wrong today?

Meester bool, you are SO ugly!

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bullfighter-face-160.jpgBlog Guy, I know you’ve said bullfighting isn’t a wise career choice for college seniors, but the profession still intrigues me. Isn’t there anything in the pointless animal torture field that might suit me?

Look, there’s more to a career than silly outfits. You might consider becoming a creepador. As you can see in this photo, this furtive fellow works in the shadows, irritating the bull with whispered slurs and insults, mostly recycled Don Rickles material.