Oddly Enough Blog
News, but not the serious kind
Attention! Everything has been recalled!
Blog Guy, I guess you’ve been reading about the huge recall of cantaloupes because of that deadly listeria outbreak?
Yes, but recalls in general are coming too fast to count. In the past month, we’ve had stories about recalls of lettuce, candy, ice cream, pine nuts, brewers yeast tablets, prawns, soy burgers, kale chips, spinach, organic eggs, frozen tuna…
Oh, I know all about that tuna recall. I’m piling my supply in my Chevy Equinox right now and driving it right back to the supermarket…
Your Equinox? Did you see that GM just recalled 36,000 of those and GMC Terrains to fix the tire pressure monitoring system?
No! Okay, I’ll return the tuna on my motorcycle, then.
I hope it’s not one of the 308,000 motorcycles that Harley-Davidson just recalled because of rear brake light switch problems.
Bear number four, step up and growl…
Here’s something you don’t find every day. My Washington Post tells me a guy drove his car off a road and into a canal here in the nation’s capital. The man, who was charged with driving under the influence, told police he had seen a bear.
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Mr. Johnson, we’re gonna have to ask you some questions. It’s just routine.
But Offisher, I’m cold and wet and I’ve had a few…
Now, Mr. Johnson, you say you saw a bear and then you drove into the canal. Can you describe it?
Um, it was big, and real scary.
Oh, no, no,, no…. Not old and grizzled, er I mean crusty, at all. Just mature, not easily swayed, inflexible, obstinate, insensitive, unresponsive – Drat, I knew this Thesaurus would get me in trouble one day….
Farewell to the Gaddafi Goof-O-Rama
Blog Guy, have you been crying? What’s the matter?
Oh, you know, I just hate to see Muammar Gaddafi go.
Are you nuts? He was a brutal dictator, overthrown by his own people!
Sure, but he was a madcap, zany goofball, too. He was in a class all by himself, and my blog was richer for him.
So it’s all about you and your blog and your goofy stuff, Blog Guy? Everything in the world?
Sure, now that you mention it. All I had to do was search our photo file for his name, and there he was. Meeting a foreign leader next to his ornate Kleenex box…
Hah..glad you like that! Shra, you should have said it’s fan-tase-tic. Would be more in character.
Then, with flames licking at her heels…
Okay, Lamar, I put you in charge of designing our whole new line of women’s shoes, so show us what you came up with.
Here you go, Boss, behold the new Feet of Fire collection.
It’s everything the young professional woman needs. These flaming tail fins send the message, “Watch out, world, my feet are on fire and I’m stopping for nobody!”
Those things look like a 1959 Cadillac Eldorado, Lamar. And not in a good way.
The dorsal fins help stabilize a chick when she’s running for meetings, Boss, and the flames actually light up as she runs!
Why would you want that, Lamar?
*SPOILER WARNING*
Fast and Furious 6 will be featuring women in these shoes, both modding and driving the cars…
Classic Scenes:
Macho Guy: “You should stick that shoe to the passenger door. Would make a cool sticker.”
Lady in shoes: “Or, I could stick it up your and give you heartburn…”
Two guys, commenting on a lady driving whilst wearing these shoes.
Guy 1: “wooh, she’s burning rubber for good here…”
Guy 2: “…and by the looks of those shoes, she’s probably burning her throttle pedal as well…”
And the Sportsman of the Century was…
It’s a vintage Rolls Royce convertible, bristling with firepower. A mounted machine gun, a Lantaka swivel cannon, a double-barrel high-caliber Howdah pistol. And it used to belong to James Bond, right?
Nope, it just belonged to some dumbass.
Readers of this blog know I’m always amazed that people will spend tons of money to own stuff touched by a genuine dumbass. A Jesse James autograph, Lee Harvey Oswald’s coffin, Bernie Madoff’s underwear.
Well now, for $1,000,000 or so you can bid on the car that the Maharaja of Kotah hunted Bengal tigers in during the last century.
I’ll just let that sink in for a minute. The man hunted tigers from the comfort of a Rolls Royce.
Oh, and it gets worse. When I say hunted tigers, according to our story on the upcoming auction, the maharaja would take the car to a place where his servants, who had already captured the tiger, were holding it so he could shoot it. I am not making this up.
Other than the Maharajah of Kotah, who the hell hunts (executes) wild animals with a machine gun?
I can fix this one up real good, Duchess!
Blog Guy, I know you have close ties to Britain’s royal family, so maybe you can answer a question. Why are Prince William and Catherine, the Duchess of Cambridge, spending so much time in Canada?
I’m really not supposed to say.
Look, we’ve been through this before. If you put it in your blog, nobody will even see it.
Okay. William is shopping for a used car.
Are you kidding me? He can’t find used cars in Britain?
Sure, but he thinks he can get a better deal in Canada. He likes to inspect the vehicles, kick the tires, that sort of thing.
I know what you mean, Spin. Every so often we’ll have a story about some fairly backward country “dissolving parliament,” and the mental image I get is… Oh, never mind.
Boy, this comes as quite a surprise…
I am in the wrong damned business. I need to get one of those sweet gigs doing scientific “studies.”
But it has to be just the right “study,” where the results back up what everybody already thinks. If your “study” rocks the boat, then people take a closer look and find out you spent your whole grant on remodeling your guest bathroom, and you’re in trouble.
A recent study by Texas researchers has found guys who wear expensive clothes and drive flashy cars are more successful at having flings and staying single. Right. Hold on to your hats.
“Women seem to understand that when they see a man who has chosen to spend money conspicuously, they think he would be more interesting as a date,” the researcher said.
I gather “interesting as a date” is a euphemism meaning the chick won’t have to climb on a city bus and go eat at a White Castle.
This shocking news is a lot for me to absorb. It may explain why, years ago, it took six months for me to find out the passenger door in my brown Chevy Nova didn’t even open.
lol, i would actually like to eavesdrop on this conversation… ::p
Could you resist the temptation?
Blog Guy, you seem to be dropping the ball on Stupid Sports, which used to be one of your main coverage areas. Come on, there must be SOMETHING goofy going on among the world’s athletes!
You’re right, this is the season for Traction Distraction Racing, and I have to say…
Sorry, back up a minute. What is Traction Distraction Racing?
Oh, as race cars speed around the track, drivers face sudden distractions. Like this drag racer in the photo above, going 116 miles per hour when he sees hot models in stiletto heels.
Looks like he made it past them without rolling over or crashing or anything, huh?
Well, just until their tops came off. Then there was a flaming six-car pile-up.
A rouble for your trouble, my good man…
Blog Guy, how much does Vladimir Putin earn?
You mean as Russia’s prime minister? Not very much, I’m afraid. Why do you ask?
Well, my wife and I were on a trip recently and I’m pretty sure Putin drove our taxi in from the airport. I was just a little surprised, is all.
Yes, Putin does odd taxi shifts when things are quiet. Were you satisfied?
Oh, for sure. He drove us straight to the hotel and got our bags out of the trunk and smiled a lot. I gave him a few extra roubles.
So you would recommend his taxi to other tourists?
Hey, you missed a spot by the Porsche!
Okay people, as you know, our exhibit at the Shanghai Auto Show is all about glamor and luxury. Class, sumptuousness and style. Lamar, you were in charge of our display, let’s see what you’ve come up with.
The cars look great, gorgeous models in sexy dresses and shoes, and… Um, Lamar?
There seem to be people cleaning the floor next to our display. Some with brooms, some down on their hands and knees. What’s that about?
That was my idea, Boss. I thought it would underscore the luxury more if there were people doing menial labor nearby.
You know Boss, it will kind of remind our customers they can afford something those other workers can’t have.
I was talking about the shoes, Mr.Pilot…
but yeah, the car isnt bad either… 
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Resident Oddly Enough blog Expert
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Thank goodness I haven’t had to return anything yet. I don’t think that many people are really hurt by the recalls, it is a very very very small percentage in comparison to the billions of working (or decently working) items in the market.